Sometimes
#8 of A Taste of Something Else [Patreon Novel]
Sometimes I wonder what it'd be like if you were still around.
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You'd like Daniel. That much I know. And I know that he'd like you, too. Whenever you happen to come up in conversation and I find myself floating back across old memories and sweet thoughts, I always notice that he gets this quiet little smile on his face, as if he's holding my paw and walking with me through those memories. It's gotten easier, you know, thinking about you and talking about you. There's still that hole, that gash, that'll never be filled nor healed, but it is easier. You were a stepping stone across a rushing river, or the handrail of a bridge across a vast gap. I may have been able to get there myself, to the other shore where I'd find stability and love, but you certainly made it easier. And I can never forget you for that.
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Sometimes I think it'd be easier, too, if I could. But then those memories come back, or Daniel says something that reminds me of you, or he pushes his nose up under my chin like you used to, and I realize that even with everything that happened, even with you being so far from my grasp, that you were still such a positive thing. The best to have ever happened to me, I think, the light of the sun coming in and clearing away the clouds so that new life can grow.
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Cheesy things like that. You always loved when I talked like that, didn't you? It was hard to make you laugh, but that hardly ever failed.
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You would be so proud of me now. Remember how I always slacked off and procrastinated in high school? Daniel and I have both graduated college now and gotten jobs, and if I can secure a certain scholarship, I'm aiming to head back for grad school. That was something that I bet even you doubted I could do.
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It's been a rocky road for all of us on the way there, though, I think. You and I especially. Daniel's had his ups and downs as well. He managed to settle things with William a while back, something you and I could never do. Talk about what went right, what went wrong... what we wanted, what we missed. What we expected and never got. What we wanted to say, what we meant to say, but never had the chance. I think you know. I told you, and I don't think you were listening, but you still knew nonetheless. That's one thing that brings me comfort, that I hold close to my chest on the nights when Daniel's away for whatever reason. Every now and then it feels like there ought to be two in our bed, two other than me.
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I mean, more often than not there actually are two others, now. There's the matter of Zoey, too, who I think you'd either get along with better than you and I, or whose throat you'd try to slit in her sleep. I really can't tell, and it's been so long that I think my ideas of your opinions have been skewed a bit. That always happens. But she's nice enough, and she knows what she's talking about... usually. And Daniel likes her just fine, so I do too. He likes her more than just fine, that is. I don't mind. In fact, it's starting to grow on me a bit, the unspoken idea between the three of us... it used to be that the queen size bed in our apartment was too big for just me and him, but now with her as well, it seems to fit just fine.
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I like the way she smells. Usually when she stays the night she's on the far side of Daniel, but every now and then she squeezes her way between us, and I nuzzle down against the back of her neck or in between her little panther ears, and... you know, she wears the same type of perfume that you used to. You can bet that that gave me a massive shock when I realized it, suddenly punched in the nose by this... memory I'd nearly forgotten, this raw emotion condensed down into something palpable, something I can identify and feel. When I told Daniel about it, he seemed shocked as well, and asked if I'd like her to change it. So I told him no.
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That was another thing that you taught me, though it took me the better part of nine years to figure it out. All these things you gave to me, things I can hold in my paw and things that still stir only in my mind, were not given under the guise of belonging only to you, locked to your memory and essence. You gave them to me so that I could open them up and learn. For some five years I thought that my heart belonged only to you, and with you so did my ability to love die - and then there was Daniel. He held my paws and bumped his nose against mine, and kissed my lips and nuzzled under my chin... and there was you, inside of all those, yet no stronger than there was him. Both of you holding my paws. And now there's Zoey, too.
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I'm still not sure how to approach that, other than just... let it come as it comes. It all started out as a fling, I think, a continuation of a friends-with-benefits arrangement she'd had with Daniel for a bit. Those two have history, and even though that's my degree, I don't poke my nose into it unless the opening is offered. I know how that is; I know how that feels. But there's him, and now there's her, too, worming her way into my chest, into that same little box that I thought used to be locked with a key I'd long since lost.
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Of course it started out slowly. We were classmates, sure, and I knew she was a good friend of Daniel's, but there was nothing there between the two of us, Zoey and I. And then Daniel started taking extra shifts at work, or he'd go out of town to visit his dad, or any number of other things, and it would be her and I sitting there on the couch, first at opposite ends, then coming together, and now we lean against each other. When Daniel's there we lean against him. He likes the attention, I think, though he won't say it.
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There's also no way that he doesn't give us time alone on purpose. I've heard the two of them talking, and I can tell he's been building up the confidence to approach me about it and put it to words, but... just like you knew without me saying, I know without him saying. I'd ask if you would believe it, but that might be a sore subject, right? Me, with both a boyfriend and a girlfriend, at the same time? Unbelievable. Absolutely unheard of.
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I never got the chance to truly apologize for that. I tried, and it never worked. I think I know why, now, though. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I bumped into you somehow, out on the street or at work, or in the grocery store. Like these past several years were all - not exactly a dream, but just... misinformation. How would we act? How would you react, and how would I? I could tell you all about Daniel. You could tell me about the things you've seen and where you've been. We could remember together. We could live, just for a while.
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God, I miss you. That's one thing that will never change. I miss you so much.
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I'm learning, though. That was what you always wanted me to do, wasn't it? Learn from my mistakes and move on, ever onward. This whatever-it-is we have had a rocky start from my... past experiences, as I'm sure you understand, but the two of them have been wonderful in holding my hand and helping me along. Zoey might come off as rough and tough, as you always used to, but just the same she's got that undeniable look in her eye whenever she pushes me down to the bed, or climbs up on top of Daniel while I'm watching, or settles in between the two of us. That silent question, 'are you okay?' that you always had. Always thinking of the other.
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I can still remember, and I don't think I'll ever forget, one night when Daniel was home but up late, and Zoey and I had already climbed into bed together. She usually stays weeknights, and goes and does her own thing on weekends - but that was a Friday, and she had a flight out to visit family the following morning. It's a little hard to explain where the two of us were, in relation to each other - and to Daniel, I mean. Of course she and I weren't as close as I was to him, as I am, but there was still something there, definitely. It had started out as a tiny little seed and had steadily grown and strengthened, and now flourished. I could spend time alone with her and still feel that same happy warmth that you gave me, and that he does.
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That night we did our usual, talking and bantering before bed - that's another thing you'd either love or hate about her, the mouth she's got - before we each stripped down and climbed in. Again, we did our usual, back to back, a bit of a space between us. My arm started getting sore, which is the excuse I'll stick by, so I turned over a few minutes in and draped it across her... and then another few minutes, and she turned over, too, and let her arm come down around my waist, fingers tracing over that spot that always made my tail flick and gave me goosebumps. You found it early, and she did, too.
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I just don't know what it was about that night. It was almost like the first night I really connected with Daniel, when the two of us curled up on his bed and held each other tight. Zoey looked up at me, and I looked down at her, and I could feel her breath against my upper chest, slow and steady. No nervousness, not the slightest hint of hesitation or anything other than confidence and surety. She wiggled her other arm underneath me and brought it up my back, and pulled me closer - and then my lips were on hers, and my arms around her as well, and we were pulling each other closer, closer together. Wrapped in your scent - in her scent.
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And I wouldn't have had it any other way, I think. She loves like you do, too, you know. Like you did: less with words, more with action. Deliberate, intense action. She bit and tugged at my lip and tongue, moved from there down to my neck, then to my shoulder. I think she likes a bit of rough treatment: instead of squirming and gasping at the way my claws naturally tried digging into her skin, it only seemed to goad her on further. From my shoulder she came back up to my muzzle, just so she could spend a few moments trying to suck my own tongue out of my mouth... and, somewhere along the way, Daniel showed up.
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It was dark so I couldn't see his face, but I bet you - I bet you - he had that big stupid grin on, the one that just looks so fitting on him. He could probably tell that something had changed, right then. Usually I only kissed Zoey if it was right after she'd gotten to him; I always liked the idea of being able to taste him on her tongue and lips. Sometimes she'd bounce back and forth between the two of us, but that night, it was all her and myself. Although, Daniel did climb up into the bed, slide the covers down, and made sure that his muzzle still fit under her tail. He does that every now and then.
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That just led to claws pricked out of sides and backs so that paws could wander, of course. Zoey pressed herself against me and squeezed around my arm, holding it down between her thighs while Daniel just continued to give her that five-star spitshine that he'd so often practiced on me. Somewhere along the way she ended up on top of me, her claws - panther claws; cat claws, ouch - sunk into my shoulders and pushing, grinding, riding against me while he still kept her tail hiked and tongue working underneath.
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You get the idea. The thing was, though, Daniel stayed on the side throughout it. Sure, he volunteered his tongue and his paw, and two or three fingers, but it was mostly just Zoey and myself. Hips against hips, bed creaking and lurching and squeaking beneath our rhythm, her with her muzzle either buried against my shoulder or with her lips tight on mine, gasping and moaning practically into my mouth.
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There was something new there, too. A richer, sharper peak and satisfaction, the kind I always got from Daniel and from you, yet never from any of the hookups in between. The kind that makes me curl my lip and first tense every single muscle in my body, then relax all of them, and then tense them right back up. The kind that makes me squeeze my eyes shut and curl my toes. Zoey felt it too, and got it herself as well; that much I could hear on her, and feel in her body. Afterwards, still hilted, she just kind of slumped forward over me and kissed me again, then lapped at my muzzle to get all of the little strings and drips of saliva, the hungry drool that had ended up there in the middle of the action.
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Then she laughed. A quiet, tired laugh, though fully genuine and brimming with - with appreciation, with satisfaction. With love. Then I started laughing, too, and I threw my arms around her and pulled her back down to me, and I breathed deep of her scent.
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Her scent. All hers. Then there was Daniel there, too, on the other side of me with his arm coming down around both of us, keeping us close.
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For a bridge you need three parts, right? A handrail, a path, and the supports. I'd now found all three.
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I don't know if you'd changed me. Sometimes I wonder if things would be better if you were still around; sometimes I wonder if that means I never would have taken those steps to cross that bridge. I used to think, I'll never be able to feel that again. I'll never be able to love, and be loved. I'd never have another real kiss, would never be able to hold someone's paw, would never wake up alongside someone.
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Now, though, there's so much more. Kiss Daniel before he leaves for work, then Zoey before she leaves for her flight. Give him a hug and a kiss when he gets home, give her a hug and several more kisses when she comes back. When we head out to the mall or to see a movie, sometimes I'm on one end and I'm holding his paw, or hers... and then sometimes I'm in the middle, holding both. And then at night, if I start out on one end, I'll doubtless end up in the middle or on the clear other end by the time morning comes. Again, she's a cat: she likes climbing over the people she loves when they're trying to sleep. Finding a new, comfortable position, whether it's on Daniel's other side, or facing me and nuzzled up under my chin, just like him, just like you.
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I wonder if you would like them. Hell, I wonder if you would like me, still. But that doesn't matter. I know that I will always love you, and I'll never forget you and the things you did for me.
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But still, sometimes, I wonder about you. I think, and remember, and I miss you. And I wonder.