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On his way back to his car Eli gnawed his lip so fiercely that he could taste blood by the time he got there. No small feat of self-control to keep himself from turning back around the entire way, to not go and call for her, to see if she would accept one more hug... and when he did get there he first yanked the door open, climbed in, then slammed it shut so that the car rocked back and forth a moment. The gathered heat of the summer sun boiled all around him and stung his paws when he wrapped them around the wheel, but if anything, he just squeezed harder.

What the fuck was that?

The wild dog thumped his head back against the headrest, stared up at the grey-upholstered roof, squeezed his eyes shut and thumped his head again. The swirling warmth against his bubbling frustration made it a bit hard to breathe.

Why did that happen? Why did I say all of that? Or - any of that? What was I thinking?

_ _

How long have I been like this?

_ _

Seeing the hurt flash through her eyes, the disappointment, the concern, when... when he'd gotten so used to seeing warmth, joy, pleasure, appreciation. Love, even. Eli swallowed and gritted his teeth, this time swinging forward to bump his forehead against the wheel - love.

_ _

"I never asked to fall in love with you."

Had that really meant what he'd though? He could still feel his own words on his tongue: And... and I never asked to fall in love with you. His heart pounded in his chest. But I did. And here we are. In that moment, all of that stirring darkness in the hyena's eyes had dissipated, and Eli thought he could see the side of her that he treasured so much... but then it came back, cold and solid. "But here we are." And nothing more. Was that recognition, or refusal?

Does it matter?_Inhale, exhale. Swallow, sigh... growl, snarl, choke back a cough. Reach up to wipe at his eyes. The heat had made him start to sweat. _"I'm with Marlin now. We have to stop this." Jesus fucking Christ. That's not at all what I want. That's not what I meant to say.

_ _

But it's what came out. It's what I'm used to saying. "I'm with Marlin now". That's what I'd wanted since - since we last broke up, isn't it? More than anything. I'd thought about it, fantasized about it, dreamt about it. More than anything.

_ _

More than...?

The wild dog reached up and rubbed the heel of his paw at his eye again... then the other, and both. He drew in a sharp breath through his nose, held it, nearly choked on it, let it shakily out.

"I expected better!"

_ _

-and then his muzzle was buried in the crook of his arm as he leaned forward over the steering wheel, entire body shaking with half-suppressed sobs. That look in her eyes, the sound of her voice, that horrible sharp edge to her words. Truthfully, Eli hadn't lied - he hadn't said anything, hadn't promised anything, hadn't told her anything of the sort. But she assumed, and she thought, and...

And I hurt her. It wouldn't be right for him to take that defense, anyway. "Be careful," Richard had told him that one night, when he'd gone out after the wild dog. "Please. She deserves your best, and better. Be careful, and love her. Really, really love her."

Eli leaned sideways against the car door and window, then partially recoiled at the simmering heat of the glass. Again he wiped at his eyes, again he swallowed, again he sniffled, and again the sobbing wouldn't let up.

"I can do that", I said. "I will." It wouldn't be right, since I did lie - to Richard. "Be careful and love her". I did one of those, but not the other.

He slumped back in the driver's seat, muzzle in his paws, no longer fighting the tears.

~ ~ ~

His actual house - the one he'd actually signed a contract on, the one he actively rented, the one that he'd have to move out of for good here in about a month's time since the renewal period had come and gone - felt empty when he returned to it later in the afternoon. Both a disconcerting, cold type of empty, as well as a welcoming, comfortable empty: so quiet and still; no rich, acrid stench of fox clinging to the furniture and hovering on the air; a bit stuffy and humid from him having turned the AC off; and decorated and furnished, yet just short of enough to be convincingly livable. A nearly-empty refrigerator; a conspicuously empty study, the carpet still dented from the weight of his desk; a master bedroom with a bare mattress and no pillow.

I could just break up with him, he told himself for the twentieth time since finding the strength to turn his car on and come back here. I've done it five times before. It'll be easy. It'll be fine. And then, as he strode to the hall closet to pull a pillow from there: But I'll need time to take my stuff back here. I bet he'll try to hang on to a lot of it, like he did last time. The fabric smelled of mildew; he'd forgotten to get a pillowcase for it, yet didn't bother going back for one. It thumped lightly against the bare mattress at an angle when he tossed it to the bed. And then this damn lease... I thought I still had half a year on it, and then I checked when he asked me to move in with him, and there's hardly a month left. So I'd have to move right back out anyway. To where? And... and then...

The wild dog turned away from the window, the drawn curtains leaking the warm yellow glow of mid-afternoon. He had stopped by a drive-through on the way home and ordered a burger, but had left it untouched in the passenger seat of his car.

Then I have to apologize to Lynn. I fucked up, real bad. I broke her trust, I as bad as lied to her, I... disappointed her. I let her down.

Really, that last had been the worst part. Eli swallowed, feeling the now-familiar straining of his throat and pressure on his eyes, and tugged the pillow tightly into his arms against his chest. If he really, really concentrated, he could pretend that that flat, wet odor of mildew was instead the bright floral spice of clary sage. But, every time he thought about her...

Who am I kidding? She won't want to hear it from me. I just... I just became one of her shitty flings. Another horror story for her to tell to her future boyfriends. Will there be any of those? Richard said...

The wild dog clutched the pillow against him until he felt his claws poke into the material. He curled his legs up against it, the bare surface of the mattress feeling just slightly wrong on his body.

God, I'm a fucking idiot. How did it go so wrong so quickly? I've never felt regret so strong, so soon after doing something. What was I thinking? Was I thinking at all? Or just... relying on routine, on what I'd gotten used to?

Slowly, time continued to pass. Again and again the wild dog checked his phone, noting the way the minutes gradually went on by, the way they turned into one hour, a second, a third. Back and forth he rolled across the mattress, each time noticing the light coming through from behind the curtains had dimmed a bit; near five his stomach started to rumble at him, but he didn't particularly feel like getting up to get anything. He had forgotten to take the milk with him to Marlin's, so now it sat expired on the top shelf of the fridge with a few other things around - half of an onion loosely bound in plastic wrap, a wedge of parmesan that had started sprouting greyish spots, a container full of what had to be the last time he'd made fried rice for himself, a cheap wine he'd bought on a whim the last time he had visited a grocery store in this house.

As expected, never once when he checked his phone did he see a new message notification. Deep down he hoped, he wished, but never did he expect it. Still, though, his thumb brought him to the chat with Lynn, and again and again when the little icon flashed to Status: Online he hovered over the keyboard... but never typed anything. Part of him wondered if she knew, if she felt him waiting there, trying to say something - anything - but being unable to do so.

That's always been my problem, hasn't it? I just... can't do what I need to.

Somehow, at least, the rest of the night passed more steadily than the evening had. Eli found himself drifting off and then jerking awake again and again, staring up at the ceiling or across the room at the drawn curtains, phone either clutched lightly in his paw or just out of reach along the mattress. Hadn't done a thing today and yet he was exhausted, nearly unable to keep himself awake for longer than it took to check his phone for the time again. Still, though, a peaceful sleep evaded him.

7:45 PM. 8:27 PM. 9:49 PM. 11:32 PM. 1:17 AM. 3:22 AM. 5:18 AM. 5:42 AM. 5:58 AM. 6:00 AM. The alarm on his phone yanked him awake that last time, and after letting it go for a couple seconds, the wild dog sat up, reached over, turned it off. He sighed, wiped at his muzzle with his paws, slumped over... and pulled himself to his feet. Still had to work today, at least. Maybe that would take his mind off of everything.

On his way to the bathroom, his phone vibrated in his paw. One new message.

[Photo] Missing you this morning, and this is too. Everything ok?

_ _

Eli looked at that for a moment, thumb hovering over the photo message, then sighed. He knew full well what Marlin's dick looked like; why should he bother opening that in full?

"Yeah. Off to work. See you later"

Hopefully that would be the end of it. Eli drove to work in silence, having to catch himself after a moment - I'm coming from my house, not his - and once there, was thankful for the warm familiarity of the library just before opening. His mood improved somewhat over the day, though every time he minimized the main window on his work computer, the little _imperia.docx_caught his eye and dragged it back down a little bit.

The entire story was hardly longer than ten or twelve paragraphs, now, but he had _just_introduced the main character's love interest: a tall, strong ex-captain of the space military, a woman who had seen more than her fair share of shit and came through all the stronger for it. A sea otter - he'd wanted her species to be somewhat close to the main character's, a tiger, while still being distinctly different - with smooth chocolate-brown and soft creamy-tan fur.

And a sharp, _beautiful_gaze that could punch a hole through a concrete wall at fifteen feet. He had made sure to get that part in.

It did feel strange, though, sitting there at work with his phone resting near his keyboard, for once silent instead of near-constantly buzzing with incoming messages. That's right, he realized just before lunch,it's her finals week. She wouldn't be talking with me anyway. There was the issue, though, of Marlin, the thought hanging heavily over his head and around his shoulders once he'd gotten back to his place after lunch.

His roommate. His boyfriend. His partner. The person over whom he'd basically broken things off with Lynn. That hadn't been his intention, of course, but that was how it turned out - just like how it hadn't been his intention to say those words, "I'm with Marlin now, so..."

That was what he wanted. To be with - this goddamn fox, who only ever wanted sex and rent money. Eli returned to Marlin's place after work that night, for once finding he had it to himself. That gave him some more time to think, of which he'd had an excess since yesterday. This is what I wanted.

_ _

Past-tense. Wanted. When did that change? And why didn't I notice until after? I just...

_ _

Took everything for granted.

_ _

When Marlin did show up later that night, Eli didn't even turn from the TV to greet him - and earned a hundred forty pounds of dense fox on top of him for that, Marlin nuzzling up under his chin and peppering his muzzle with little kisses. Of course, there was a wandering paw in there, too; when Eli batted it away the fox pulled himself half-up, kissed him one more time, and asked "Hey, what's for dinner tonight?"

Eli sighed again. He had only managed to finish half of his lunch at work today, and had decided to save the rest for his dinner. "Whatever you want."

"Fuckin' sweet. Can we have beef stew?"

"Sure." He hit the back button on the remote to bring up the menu. "There's one of the microwavable things in the pantry. I'm not cooking." Then, intentionally half-under his breath: "You wouldn't eat it anyway."

Marlin remained there for long enough that Eli expected he'd get some lip back for speaking like that, but then the fox rose and headed to the kitchen without another word. Hopefully he could tell that something was bothering the wild dog - he seemed to avoid opening many more conversations throughout the night - but, being himself, he didn't once prod to ask just what was getting Eli, his dear boyfriend, down.

Maybe it's not so bad,_Eli told himself time and time again. Something else that had just occurred to him was, these past two or three times the two had broken up and gotten back together, he had had to tell himself that exact same thing: _maybe it's not so bad. Once night fell and the two rolled into bed, Eli turned onto his side, wrapped an arm around the fox's body, and pulled him tightly against himself, just to have someone to hold and to hold him in return.

That strong, familiar scent wrapped around his nose and head, something that he knew so well it felt strange to go without it; Marlin rumbled softly, dragging his fingers down Eli's back in what he probably thought was a massage. The digging of those claws along the backs of his ribs made him squirm uncomfortably - which, of course, Marlin further misinterpreted.

"You like that, huh?" the fox purred. This time when he leaned down to nuzzle the side of Eli's muzzle, a couple of his whiskers jabbed right into the wild dog's eye. "Well, here, how about..."

But Eli pulled away as soon as he felt the heat of Marlin's hard cock as the fox tried to press it against his sheath. "N... not tonight," he managed. Why am I so nervous? It's not the first time I've told him no. He rolled over onto his other side and scooted away from the fox-

-who just took that as an invitation, wrapping an arm around the wild dog's lower belly and sliding the tip of that length up underneath his tail. "Come on..." he rumbled, then nipped at the base of one of his large ears. "You'll like it. You do always get into it... how about I see about..." Marlin reached down, first rubbing the pad of his thumb up across Eli's tailhole, then angling the tip of his cock against it. "...wedging my knot into this pretty ass of yours..."

"Marlin." I'm nervous since he doesn't listen when I say no. Since what I want and don't want doesn't matter to him. "No."

A little more grinding under his tail and huffing in his ear, even as he reached back and pressed his paw against the fox's upper thigh to try to push him away... and then, finally, Marlin settled back and heaved a sigh. "Fine," he said. His rumbling now had turned from a purr to a soft growl. "I'll take care of myself." He did so conspicuously, making sure his leg was always touching Eli's rump even as the wild dog continually tried to move away, and keeping the covers drawn over his shaft and paw as he worked himself. His breathing, his panting, his little exaggerated moans, all just annoyed the dog further.

Morning eventually came. Eli woke up a couple of minutes before his alarm, and took the opportunity to get out of bed, shower, eat breakfast, and leave before Marlin would have a chance to rope him into the sex that the fox probably imagined he owed him. Part of why his pawing off last night had annoyed Eli so much was because him doing that had worked in the past - he could recall no fewer than three separate occasions where he'd turned down a romp for various reasons, only to notice Marlin taking care of himself beside him... and then Eli had rolled onto his side to slide a paw down and help out, or ducked his head beneath the covers - and it had almost worked just last night.

Another reason he wanted to get out of the door as quickly as he could. The wild dog actually faltered when he stepped out of the shower, seeing Marlin lying there on the bed, sheets thrown back and one arm draped across his chest as he slept, plump sheath shifting slightly up and down with his breathing...

At least the workday went a little bit faster. With more things to do came less time to think, and after these past couple of days, Eli wanted to think as little as he could. Again his phone lay silent throughout the day, save for a *kisses* text from Marlin after lunch.

Eli ignored that. Here he was, stuck between kicking himself endlessly for what he had said and done to Lynn on Sunday, and wondering if he should just go ahead and... try again. Try this whole thing with Marlin over, try to beat it into shape, try to... what?

Be happy with him?_It _was, after all, what he'd gotten used to these past six years, and his only serious experience with being in a romantic relationship. But then _she_had come along, for a few nights of a couple weekends, she had made him feel - different. Amazing. Happy.

Loved. Really, truly loved.

"Be careful. And love her."

_ _

At least he had managed to put the fox out of his head by the time he returned home - but what put him back there was realizing that Marlin had again stayed home from work, and had again run by a nearby fast food place for dinner. Eli had done the latter as well. The two stayed in their own corners of the apartment for most of the night, only coming together when they brushed past each other in the kitchen and then when it was time for bed. Marlin did not press him that night.

Wednesday, though, Eli had actually started to feel it, and hated himself for that. All he could think about at work was the way he had rolled over in his sleep to face Marlin, and how the fox had wrapped his arms around his shoulders and pulled him closer - which pointed Eli's muzzle straight down under the blankets, directly into the swirling heat of their mixed musks. He found himself actually looking back through his messages with the fox, finding the photos and videos, tapping on them to bring them up, watching for a few seconds... closing them down again, only to go and find them again a moment later.

Today was another of the days where Marlin was gone when the wild dog returned home after work. That gave him some time to waffle back and forth between wondering if he should take care of this energy himself, or if he should wait for the fox to come back so he could relieve his needs on him, or if he should do something else - and the waiting and thinking led to Marlin making the decision for him, as he came through the front door with another bag of fast food in one paw.

Eli made sure to bump against him in the kitchen again, though this time, he did so by pinning Marlin between his rump and the pantry door; the fox rumbled, ran his paws down Eli's waist, leaned over him, "see? I told you you can't resist..." and then within two minutes, Eli was digging his claws into the surface of the counter, bracing both his weight and the fox's against it as he lurched forward and back with the steady, rhythmic pounding. Marlin finished first, teeth pulling painfully against Eli's shoulder, and remained buried - but not tied, thankfully - inside him as the wild dog finished himself off, across the cupboard beneath the sink. That night Eli let Marlin cuddle him into bed, though pushed him back again once the expected grinding underneath his tail began. The fox heaved another dramatic, frustrated sigh, and turned over.

Throughout all of Thursday one single thought remained in his head, as though it had been nailed in place forever in his mental view. For the entire week so far he had consciously tried to avoid thinking about Lynn and what had happened, telling himself she'll talk to me when she feels ready. Hard to know the truth of that, of course, and hard to find the right balance of blame to place: on himself or on Marlin. It was so easy to dump it all on one, and just as easy for the other.

The realization came to him as he sat outside under the awning out behind the library, watching the cars go by along the almost-out-of-sight roadway passing by, with his lunch still untouched in his lap: I'm tearing myself apart. His shoulder ached where Marlin had gnawed on it the previous day, and his tailhole had that familiar soreness as well; he'd felt endlessly nervous and anxious since Sunday, all the time, with none of his familiar pastimes - he hadn't started up a video game since - failing to distract him. When he sat down to watch TV he just... stared, really; the other night two episodes had gone by, and he couldn't recall what had happened in either of them.

Eli licked his lips, swallowed, pulled in breath, held it as he set his lunch beside him, let it out... and then pulled his knees up to his chest, rested his arms over them, and buried his muzzle there. Slow, unsteady breaths, then, shaking as they came out; pressure against his eyes, thumping in his chest, the feeling of his ears trying to flatten back and his tail wanting to curl tightly against his body.

I am not happy. I'm not. I...

His phone vibrated in his pocket, startling him. For a moment he let it sit, then slowly, nervously, tugged it out, held it away from himself, turned it on... and saw it was just a weather update.

I need to apologize. I will tonight.

~ ~ ~

A prodding under his tail, the warmth of two fingers pressing against his tailhole, spreading, teasing at the reflexive puckering against them. Eli squirmed where he lay on his side, the weight and heat of Lynn's body pressing down on him from above; he could feel the strength of her body, the firm muscles of her abs as she pressed against him, the taut tendons in the arm she had beneath his head keeping herself up.

_ _

"Look at you, look at you..." she purred, close to his ear. That paw wandered up around the base of his tail, along his thigh to his front - where the wild dog rolled onto his back a little bit, allowing her to grasp his length more easily. A good, smooth stroke from base to tip and back, rolling his supple sheath back past his unswollen knot, then squeezing and tugging there. Eli squirmed and gave a light gasp. "What should I do with this, hmm?"

_ _

He swallowed and drew in a shaky breath through his nose. All he could smell was his own familiar musk, rich and bright. "Lynn..."

_ _

Then a shiver ran down his back, echoing out from the first contact of her lips between his shoulder blades. Then again a little further down, and again, and again, her kisses following the line of his spine; she pushed the covers back as she descended, unhooking her arm from beneath his neck to push him more fully back onto his side. Eli felt her breath washing out, hot and humid, around the base of his tail. Her tongue suddenly curled beneath his tail - and he twitched and clenched again.

_ _

Lynn breathed a light chuckle, tickling across the sensitive skin there. "Mhmm." Her paw shifted back to his thigh, where she reached a thumb back, pressed her pad to his tailhole, pushed in a little, pulled out along the side... and planted a final kiss right there, making sure to let her tongue linger a moment after. "Seems like you've got a bit of a distraction there, hon. What do you say I take care of that for you?"

_ _

_Before he could respond she had dived back in, this time with her lips just bracing against his puckered rim while her tongue slid, swirled, dug deeper in. The hyena's paw drifted back around to his front, first rolling his balls over her fingers and then taking hold of his length again; she stroked him in rhythm with her tongue diving into him, pushing against the resisting muscles, digging deeper and deeper, making him squirm and gasp and alternate between pushing forward into her paw and pressing back against her muzzle. Eli reached back to spread himself, braced his muzzle against the side of the pillow, let out another low, breathy moan... _