Tina's Story Chapter 88 I am what I am -A Gray Muzzle story
Tina's Story Chapter 88- I am what I am. A Gray Muzzle story
I am what I am
I am my own special creation
So come take a look
Give me the hook
Or the ovation
It's my world
That I want to have a little pride in
My world
And it's not a place I have to hide in
Life's not worth a damn
'Till I can say
I am what I am.
I am what I am
And what I am needs no excuses
I deal my own deck, sometimes the ace, sometimes it's deuces
It's one life, and there's no return and no deposit
One life, so it's time to open up your closet
Life's not worth a damn, till you can shout out
I am what I am!
It was a lovely early Summer day in the city. Colleen and Lydia had their babies all dressed up for a day of shopping, and maybe lunch out. Everybody was in a good mood, as they made their way downstairs to Colleen's Chrysler Sebring convertible. Usually, they would park Colleen's car in the building's parking garage. Last night, Lydia had gone grocery shopping, so her van was inside, and Colleen left the Chrysler on the street. They left the lobby, turned left, walked a few steps, and stopped dead in their tracks. There in the street, was the car, or what was left of it. The soft top hung in shreds, there was a cinderblock that had been thrown through the windshield. Worst of all, some one had sprayed 'Faggots' in fluorescent pink paint across the hood.
"Take the babies upstairs" Colleen barked.
Lydia had already turned to bring the babies upstairs. Colleen went back toward the lobby, where she called the police and waited. It took a while for the police to come. It was, after all, just another case of vandalism, which, sadly was not that uncommon. While Colleen waited, a small crowd gathered around the car. Colleen and Lydia lived in a mixed neighborhood. Many people had lived there for years. Lately, however, the area began to 'gentrify' and property values went up. Many of the new residents were gay, so some of the locals blamed the newcomers for a range of things, from tax increases to noisy nightclubs.
At long last, the police arrived. When they departed the car, the officers were met with some hostility from the crowd. Having heard what happened, some local activists came out. There had been a number of bias crimes, and the feeling was that the police hadn't taken it seriously. At about the same time, a New York TV station rolled in, cameras rolling. While the police took Colleen's statement, the TV news crew took video, and interviewed the crowd. It was an hour before Colleen got back upstairs. By then, Lydia had the babies settled, but her eyes were red, and she was shaking.
"Poor dear! It's going to be alright." Colleen comforted
Lydia stammered.
"I....never had anything like that happen.....I...uh, I'm scared, Colleen!"
Colleen embraced her.
"It will be OK baby. Maybe...it's time we look for a house."
The girls stayed home the rest of the day. Colleen was busy on the phone, making insurance reports, arranging a rental car, and having the car towed. Lydia tended the children, and cooked. When the evening news came on, their story was on it. Colleen had been approached by news people, but she had rebuffed them, shielding her face, and fleeing the camera. As they sat watching the news, there was a knock on the door. Lydia went to answer. Standing at the door was a sincere looking young woman.
"I'm Mary Wentworth" she stated "I'm with the Trento Gay and Lesbian Alliance. Can I come in?"
Lydia looked around.
"Uh, I don't know. We were about to eat. The children will be up shortly. It's not a great time."
"I understand" she said, although she seemed disappointed. "We're having a rally in the park Friday night. We'd like you to speak. Here's my card. My cell phone number is on the back."
"Who was that?" Colleen asked Lydia, meeting her in the kitchen.
"A lady from the gay and lesbian alliance. She wants us to speak at a rally Friday.
"Like THAT would happen!" Colleen laughed "Bunch of busybody fags.."
Colleen had not finished her sentence, when a fearsome blow knocked her off her feet. She staggered across the room, only stopping when she hit the wall. Colleen looked up, to see Lydia, more angrt than she had ever been.
"How DARE you!" Lydia bellowed " 'Fags'? Is THAT what you think? You condescending bitch! I'M a fag! Last I checked, you are too! Seems to me when you're married to someone of your own sex, that's what you are! But, somehow, you've separated this whole thing out in your mind. WE are not like THOSE people......Why? Because we don't hang in bars? We don't wear leather? Have tattoos? Somehow that makes it 'different' in your mind? I wonder how you feel about the 'dog' thing too. Oh, right, We're not like them...we're toilet trained! We drink from freaking GLASSES! Sometimes, I think I don't even KNOW you.....
Lydia grabbed her pillows and the quilt, and went to sleep in the den.
Lydia spent a fitful night. When she got up, the first thing that she saw was the card she had gotten the night before. Lydia looked at it thoughtfully. She took it, and carried it over to the phone on the desk.
"Mary? It's Lydia. We spoke last night. I've thought about it, and I've decided I'll speak to your rally. At least I'll try. I only hope you don't regret having am amateur....."
She hung up the phone, feeling a strange mix of peace and uneasiness. The incident with the car had opened up something deep inside Lydia. You see, Lydia had this habit of not finishing things. She had left school, dropped out of running, left her job and her marriage. When Lydia fell in love with Colleen, and subsequently married, she never really dealt with the consequences. In her mind, Lydia was simply a straight woman, married to another woman. The vandalized car was jarring proof that not everyone saw them in that way. As she lay awake last night Lydia finally asked herself that ultimate question: "Who am I?" In those dark hours, the beginnings of an answer began to form. No, she decided, she was not straight. Bi? Possibly, but the more she thought, the more she questioned it. Lydia loved Colleen. In their relationship, she found everything that had been missing in her life. She had to concede that she missed sex with a man, but that her emotional and spiritual ties were with women. The more she thought, the more she realized that she was one of 'those' people. But if she was a gay person, what did it mean? Lydia was not at all sure that she had an answer to that question.
Relations between Lydia and Colleen remained strained. They spoke, but in short, terse sentences. Still, as much time as they were apart, it was livable. Lydia cared for the babies, while Colleen was out. Lydia did some bookkeeping, but she arranged it around her parenting duties. There were some clients she saw at their place of business, but much of her work she did at home. Colleen tried to interest Lydia in looking for a house, but the estrangement made that difficult. It seemed forever until Friday came, and Lydia was to speak at the rally. She was nervous; she'd been nervous for days. Not so much for any reason she could identify, but more because she had no idea just what to expect.
Late Friday afternoon, Lydia showered made up, and did her hair. She put on a long skirt and a flowered blouse. She checked on the babies, and headed for the van, and the rally. It was a short drive from their apartment to the rally. Lydia was surprised to have to search for parking. She never recalled seeing the park so full! Parking the car, Lydia began to walk around. Wandering through the assembled crowd, Lydia was surprised. She saw men showing affection. There were men in chaps. There were women covered in tattoos and piercings. But what was most surprising was just how much like her most of the people were. There were men with strollers, women too. There were secretaries, laborers, young people and old. Mostly, the group could have been for a political event, or a Fourth of July picnic. As the time approached, Lydia sought out Mary.
"Mary?" Lydia asked, cautiously.
"Lydia! So glad you made it" Mary greeted her with a hug, seemingly glad to see her.
"I...hope you don't regret asking me" she said, nervously.
"I know I won't. Just tell your story."
The sun went down. The time for the program drew near. Still, nervous as she was, each minute dragged like hours. Finally the time came. As she heard herself introduced. Lydia was gripped by fear; she hadn't even considered what to say! She went up the steps to the stage desperately groping for something, anything to say....Lydia took the podium, grasping the top for support.
"I.....have a confession to make" Lydia drew a deep breath. " For most of my life, I never even thought about gay people. Then, at the age of forty, I fell in love with a woman. That woman is now my spouse. But, even then, I didn't think of myself as 'gay'; I was just a straight woman, married to another woman. You may have heard that we came out the other day to find our car vandalized. They slashed the top; they threw a cinderblock through the windshield. But what really shook me was that they wrote 'faggot' on the hood in big pink letters. I took the children and ran back to the apartment. I was scared that someone hated us that much. But, as I thought about it more, I realized that that was how some people saw us. And that everyone else saw us as 'gay'. My first impulse was to run away, to escape to the suburbs. But, I didn't do anything wrong. Why should we leave?: Trenton is our home; we have a right to be here. The only right thing is to stay, and fight for my home. You see, thinking about fighting for my home made me realize that people had been fighting for me for years; so that I could have a job, rent an apartment....get married. The rights I enjoy were earned on the backs of others; people I never met, but who fought so that I could live the life that I do. And I owe to those people.
And we owe our children. As a parent, I want to leave a better world for my children than the one I was born into. I want them to be proud of me. But how can I ask them to be proud of me, when I'm not proud of myself? So, this is my start. I'd like to introduce myself to you.
'My name's Lydia, and I'm a lesbian'
At first there was silence. Perhaps out of protectiveness, Mary applauded. Then another. Then the entire crowd was on it's feet, clapping and shouting it's approval. Lydia blushed, and left the stage. Mary met her, and gave her a hug.
"Hope I didn't embarrass you" she apologized.
"Do you hear that? They're still cheering. They LOVED you!"
Lydia smiled. Over her fear, she was almost breathing normally again. Lydia stayed for the rest of the rally. Many people wanted to speak to her, others just wanted to embrace her. Lydia was touched by the show of love and support. She stayed for several hours. Many groups had booths, for a variety of causes. Lydia saw a flyer for an AIDS benefit marathon.
"Hmmm." She thought "I bet I could do that"
She took the flyer, and put it in her purse. Shortly after, Lydia went home. When she arrived, Colleen was on the porch, having a cigarette.
"How'd your speech go?" she asked between puffs.
"Uh, pretty well." Lydia answered ."Colleen? I'm thinking of running a marathon."
"Marathon?" she responded, choking on her smoke "You? Why."
Lydia walked to the doorway.
"I think I could do it. I'm a sight hound; running is what we do. I really think I'd like to try..."
Colleen gave her a look.
"Well, if you want...."
The next morning, Lydia was up at dawn, running a couple miles before anyone woke up. Lydia kept this schedule for two weeks. Seeing she was serious, Colleen took Lydia shopping, and got her some serious running gear. Colleen's favorite was the tight little bottom the some of the female runners wore in place of shorts. Encouraged, Lydia ran and ran. Unfortunately, she never actually ran marathon distances, since the obligations she had didn't allow for it. So, she ran as often as she could, as much as she could. It started to come back; the form she had when she did track at Southern Illinois State. Lydia was doing five mile runs every other day. Saturdays and Sundays she would even do ten. By the time of the charity marathon, Lydia was feeling pretty confident. The day before, she took a break from training. She got her carbs in, and got to bed early. The day of race came, and Lydia was anxious to go. Up by five, she pulled on her shirt, and the tiny stretch bottom. She threw on a track suit, and headed out.
Lydia was no novice. She was a talented college runner, but that Had been a long time ago. She was a medium distance runner. She had never done a marathon before. Lydia did her stretches, and her warm ups. By the time the starter's pistol fired, she was feeling pretty good. She set a pace, and stayed to it. The early miles rolled by uneventfully. She still felt tired, but good by mile ten. When Lydia hit halfway, around thirteen miles. She was overcome by fatigue. She pushed on. When the fifteenth mile came up, she felt ill, and before she made fifteen, she had to vomit. By eighteen, she had slowed to a crawl. All the while, one thought coursed through her mind, like a mantra.
"Must finish....have to finish."
At mile nineteen, she fell for the first time. Lydia waived off medical help, and got back up. At twenty-one, Lydia urinated on herself. . At mile twenty-three, she lost control of her bowels. She fell again, then she fell again. Still, in her mind, there was one thought.
"Must finish.....can not give up....."
Lydia remembered very little of the last five miles. She did finish. By the time she got there, the winners had long since gotten their awards, and the crowd was leaving. As Lydia crossed the line, Colleen was waiting for her, with a sign, and a blanket. She doesn't even remember collapsing into Colleen's arms, nor did she remember being seen by the medics, who rushed her to the hospital. They held her overnight, put her on IV fluids then released her in the morning. Colleen took her home, where Lydia slept for two days. On the morning of the third day, Lydia was opening her eyes as Colleen walked in.
"Hey, sleepyhead."
Colleen kissed Lydia on the forehead.
"Hey, Hon. How long have I been asleep?" she asked, still a bit disoriented.
"A couple days." Colleen smiled "How are you feeling?"
Lydia stretched.
"Sore. Sore as Hell. Still a little woozy. But, really, not so bad. "
"Well, I'm glad to hear that"
Lydia touched Colleen's arm
"Did I....."
"Finish?" Colleen jumped in, finishing the question. "Yes, you finished. Officially, you were 189 out of 253"
Lydia smiled. Colleen smiled as well. Touching her arm, Colleen spoke.
"I was awfully proud of you" Colleen said, softly "I can't remember seeing such bravery. You finished out of sheer will. Your body shut down. You finished on will and heart."
Lydia smiled, even though tears came to her eyes. She had finished; completed what she set out to do. And somehow, she felt that her spouse understood. Nothing else mattered.
Lydia kept running, although it was several weeks before she did. She ran because it made her feel good; no longer from fear or need. Lydia began to volunteer; she answered a phone help line, and began to volunteer to prepare meals for shut ins. While Colleen was not much of a joiner, she would accompany her spouse to gay events. She even began to contribute to gay charities, generously. But most important to Lydia was hearing her spouse tell people that they were gay. Lydia felt closer to Colleen than ever. For her part, Colleen had new respect for Lydia, and began treating her more as an equal, which Lydia greatly appreciated.
It was about 9:30 on a Monday night, the sun just going down. Colleen and Lydia were sitting on the porch, Colleen's arm was around Lydia; Lydia's head lay on her shoulder.
"I've been thinking we should buy a house" Colleen opened
"Ask me in the morning" Lydia murred
"Would you make love to me?"
"I've been waiting for you to ask" Lydia giggled.