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From Ice Cream to "Topping" | Arc 1, Chapter 10

"Charlie, be careful. This might end badly. I just know it." I thought to myself as Ty and I drove down the familiar street I live on, several hours came and gone since last I was here. From a slight abduction, to a disturbing nightmare, so much had happened to me in such a short time, and yet the world didn't seem to notice at all. Life went on as it always did; the same familiar patterns forming on this beautiful summer morning.

As the sun rose slowly behind us on the horizon, Ty dropped me off perfectly, right there in the parking lot of my apartment building. It was a quick ride back from the lake to be sure, but by the way he sped in his jeep, I figured I had overstayed my welcome with the Snow Leopard, who obviously had given up on trying to be with me.

Somehow though, after so many words, Ty had managed to crawl under my skin as we drove back to my place. From his relentless -and unending- tirade the entire ride back, about his philosophies on love, and how it only served to be the punch line of bad jokes. Ultimately, it really made me feel really sad for him, to think about what could have happened to make him feel this way.

Worse still though, I worried if my emotions would someday become just as mixed up in my heart as his, as I began to wonder about whether or not I'd know the same sting someday, by opening myself up to Daniel.

"Look. Love doesn't survive Charlie... Only broken hearts go on forever. Don't forget that." Ty remarked before he cut off the engine, and looked at me sadly as the jeep sat silent there on the concrete.

After a minute had passed, impatience overtook him as he leaned over and pushed the passenger door open, waiting for me to exit. As he passed, with his face so close to mine, I could see a small tear forming in his eye before he pulled back away.

As I got out of the vehicle, before it eagerly peeled off down the street, I thought about how a person could be so hurt by love, like Ty seemed to be. Nevertheless, thanks to the snow leopard unfortunately, I was sorely reminded why I lived the way I did up until now. As a hermit of sorts, who always retreated into his own little world, because he was afraid of being hurt by the real world itself.

Life, as I knew all too well, played cruel tricks at times; I probably knew that better than most. So who was I to think that Ty was wrong at all with the way he felt about love?

I took a deep breath to calm my nerves before I made my way up the walkway, blowing past both the mail man and several of the neighbors who waved hello to me, and approached my apartment on the bottom floor landing of the complex.

I took my keys out of my pocket but stopped flat in my tracks as I stared at the entrance, realizing I wanted to take a minute to just get everything sorted out before I piled more on top of my already burdened soul.

Before I could walk back through the entry to my home this bright sunny morning, as the dew hung fresh in the air, with the wind beating softly as it does at this time of the day, I had to be sure I wasn't going to regret walking back inside to what waited.

I knew that beyond the door was Daniel Adams; a German Shepherd who had never been anything but sweet to me. With both brains and brawn to match, he managed to break down my wall when it came to letting anyone in, but it was that fact about him why I hesitated to turn the knob at all.

"Come on Charlie, you're right here! He's right there! You're so close; WHY ARE YOU STOPPING NOW!!!" I yelled in my head, the echo working its way down to my heart.

Who could say why I felt the apprehension I did. Clearly, I knew that I already loved him. I was willing to let him be with me, to share in everything I have and hope to offer, but something felt off in the core of my character as I puzzled away, and that tension refused to let me move at all.

What kept me stationary, as I heard what might be my boyfriend sobbing inside, as he waited for me? Was it fear, or something else which paralyzed me from opening the simplest of things?

Have you ever stopped to think about what makes you worthy of the blessings you receive? Or wonder what makes you more fortunate, or less, than others, for the things that you call yours? I pondered then in that moment right on the footsteps of my home, as I thought back to what could possibly justify me being with someone like Daniel; what would allow me to walk through that door, and believe in happy endings again?

"CHARLES FAIR!!!" I heard my dad screaming for me early in the morning one day, certainly drunk and quite possibly homicidal, the difference between the two I had a hard time differentiating between those days.

The yell boomed as not only his voice carried throughout our home, but the smell of alcohol coming down the hallway as well; as familiar to me as was the smell of cookies baking might be to you.

I was still young back then, about thirteen I think, and I never realized how bad my life really was. In those more innocent times of mine, I naively just assumed everyone lived like I did. You know, unhappy and alone...

"FUCKING LAZY SHIT!!!" I heard my other name called now as I begrudgingly sat up in bed, waking up slowly because of a pain in my side, to discover yet another coil had punctured its way through my mattress this month. From what I glanced, it only managed to scrape at my lower right abdomen this time, though the gash wasn't as bad as you would imagine; the scars that remained were what really hurt the most in the end.

"Life isn't fair kid, only our last name is..." My dad had told me several nights ago when he had come back from work, pink slip in one hand, and a large brown paper bag filled with liquor in the other. I was smart enough by this age to deduce what that meant, yet sadly I was also wise enough to understand he probably deserved it.

Such was my life as I got up onto my feetpaws and started to put on the same pants I had worn yesterday, and the day prior, with the scent of my young boyish musk growing ever thicker on them. Mom had forgot I guessed -or more accurately didn't care- to wash any more this week; a task I would've happily did for myself, that is, if I were allowed too without getting slapped for doing it better than her.

I stood in front of the shattered mirror that hung up on my closet door, the contents of which I never knew, though I could clearly hear cockroaches scuttling about from within. I looked at my body in the fragments of glass before putting on my shirt, counting beforehand how many more cigarette burns and cuts I had to add to the total tally I had mentally recorded before. Like I was counting the lines on a wall, to measure my growth in inches or something.

All these things aside, I made my way down the hallway towards the kitchen -after I finished my self examination- to the familiar grime of days old food, broken beer bottles, and fresh puddles of throw-up for me to wade through, and me with no shoes to speak of to protect me from the filth, as my feetpaws stirred about in the muck.

After my daily ritual of overcoming what was simply a short distance in my own house, I walked over to where both my father and mother sat waiting at the counter. My father, for whatever reason today, stared angrily at me as I brushed my paw through my fur and yawned, myself curious as to what got him all hot and bothered.

"Morning." I said in a low tone to them both as I reached into the refrigerator and pulled out an apple from the fruit tray; one of the only fresh foods we ever kept in the house for some reason.

"Finally woke up did ya? Fucking kid..." Grunted my father, as he started in on another of his familiar rants as to why I am a worthless son. "Always sleeping in, acting like you pay for all this shit or something... Hell, maybe I should put you out on a street corner for a day; at least you'd make some good use of yourself then, eh Silvia?" My father finished after he slammed back another cold one, waiting for a response from my mother who was obviously completely already checked out for the day, made all the more apparent by the several cans of beer sitting empty in front of her.

Sadly, this was just kind of a regular day for my parents, however amplified it might have been by my father being out of work at the time. It's just who they were.

Saving grace though, I couldn't ever really pick on my mother too much for drinking up alcohol, like a fish needs water to survive, for the belief alone that if my father was my partner, I'd need a few drinks to get through the day as well.

All I could do was put up with it all of course, what else was I going to do?

"Whatever you say dad..." I agreed with him, like I often do, while I just double-pawed that delicious apple straight into my muzzle, savoring all of its deliciousness, seeing as it would probably be the only thing I ate today, while my parents alternatively scarf down on takeout pizza or something of the like later on.

"Smartass kid! Whatever he dare says! You know, you're lucky I'm too stressed to even think straight right now. This no job shit is killing me and your mother..." He claimed as he picked up an unopened beer can, stared at it hard for a second, before he winded back his pitching arm and hurled it against a nearby wall, narrowly missing my face in the process. "And being reduced to drink this fucking piss in a can isn't helping!"

"So, why did you call me?" I always kept my responses short with my dad, knowing I sometimes needed that extra time to get in my point before having to run out of the room, often with him fast on my heels, which was always a surprise for such a drunken reprobate.

"You've got a job today! Remember Ms. O'telo over on Madison St.? She said she can use your help at her bakery, and by fuck, that old biddy said she'll give you a cold $100 for it. And by you, of course *hiccup*, I mean me! So get your ass over there, and help out with whatever she wants. And on the way back, stop by your Uncle Mike's and pick me up some real booze. And remember boy, I want receipts..." He slurred off at the end as he got up on to his feet, swaying in his steps as he approached me, before realizing that I had accidentally backed myself into a corner of the kitchen.

With nowhere to hide, I could only let go of the apple core in my hand out of impending fear, as I smelled the liquor in both his breath and sweat, as he leaned down closer to me. "C'mon kid, you wouldn't let your old man down would you?" He mentioned, amid a low tone, before he slapped the side of my cheek gently at first, which then quickly turned harder, stronger, and more aggressive as the minutes progressed that all too familiar of a morning...

"DAMMIT!" I yelled at the top of my lungs, as I slammed my fist against the door to my apartment, angry at the world -and admittedly with myself- that I lived as I did as a kid; abuse a more common thing to me in my youth, than the various types of ice cream I serve to the children at my place of work.

I felt rage burning inside me then as I thought about how I had to run away from home just to survive, about how I had to bend over backwards, just to have a normal life, if you could even call it that; this soap opera I'm the star of. "Why can't I forget my past? Why can't I let it go?"

I understood that as a furson, I functioned how I should; polite, calm and respectful. Yet as a man, I stood as a failure, with my pride and self worth shot to hell thanks to my upbringing. Every day since it seemed I was reminded of those facts by how alone I was, and for so long now. It was madness truly to never let that abandonment go, but the reality was I just didn't know how to.

Until Daniel intervened that is...

For no sooner had I punched the entrance to my home, was I then met by the shepherd standing in the doorway, looking down at the sobbing fool I knew he must have thought me to be. In his hands, he held something familiar in his grip: a black leather book, burned and frayed so distinctively a way, I knew it to be the journal I kept in my youth; the history of the real me.

"Daniel... I... I..." I tried and struggled with the words which I just couldn't get out, as I looked at him straight in the eyes, searching for any clue as to how he felt right then concerning me, after reading about who I really am, and the multitude of things I had done and experience before I met up with him.

"I get it now Charlie. I understand." He said as he looked back at me, with no smile to his face, but no anger either.

After a brief second, my hands regained some life in them as they moved slightly forward in his direction, trying best to convey with their movements what my mouth refused to say, as the summary of how I felt -or what I wanted to say to him- disappeared, lost in a sea of tension my mind mounted against me; threatening to swallow me whole, keeping me from my goal.

"You scared me last night you know. I didn't know where you were, had no idea if you were safe. I think it was the first time in a long while I worried about anyone other than my mom, or Guiles, to be honest." He pressed on softly, as his voice cracked as he went along. I could see frustration building slowly now behind his eyes as he remarked about last night.

"I was disappointed you had left... but it did give me time to make this one decision I had been thinking about since I left my home." Daniel said before he turned away from me, and caused my heart to drop into my stomach, as he seemed to refuse to even turn back around.

It was all my fault though. I knew it then, and know it even stronger now, that I never should have even given Ty my number. But I was so afraid of losing Daniel I guess, I wanted a failsafe in place, just in case he realized how unworthy of him I am. The truth was though that he had never let me down, and in fact I'm the only one to blame, if it ends how I feel it's going to.

"Daniel, please forgive me..." I pleaded with him in my mind, hoping that maybe it'd somehow reach into his soul. It was then I remembered the origami heart; a way of showing how I felt with no words needed to be said.

I slowly reached into my jacket pockets at first, not wanting to mess it up, and searched and searched as best as I could, but unfortunately couldn't find it anywhere. "Oh no..." Was all I could think after as I knew exactly where it was. Trapped in the snow leopard's vehicle, which was probably halfway across the city by now.

My final hope failed, my mind now a blank, I knew I had no other way of convincing the Shepherd that I needed him in my life, as a new part of what defines me. I just still couldn't speak though, try as I might, as the fear of rejection kept holding me back...

"I love you Daniel." I cried over and over in my head, my soul screaming at me, demanding me to tell him. It went unnoticed though, with his back still turned. "I love you..."

My heart stopped right then I think, unable to process anymore. All my energy faded from my body, and I had no other reserves remaining. So I just fell forward, waiting for the impact I knew was soon to be.

Instead though, I was caught by Daniel, who just pulled me into his arms like he had done before, when we kissed in the rain, unafraid of what it meant to be seen with me as everyone in the courtyard watched me breakdown in his embrace.

"I love you Charlie." It was as simple as three words, which until now I had never heard once in my life, from anyone I really needed them spoken from. So easy for him to vocalize, yet to me meant everything as I just melded with him there, he the missing puzzle piece of who I was meant to be. "You're not alone anymore. Just don't run away from me again okay?"

I shook my head in acknowledgement as we just held each other there -forever it seemed- on the footsteps of my home -our place- and refused to let go of each other for anything at all.

And for the first time in my life, I felt like I was home, and for real it seemed; no more dreaming.

I was finally somewhere I could belong, somewhere I could be happy; wrapped in the arms of someone who really cared about. So I suppose I had made it; from ice cream at work, to help topping my past with my lover's help. What could go wrong from here on out?

| END OF ARC 1 |