FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

From Ice Cream to "Topping" | Arc 2, Chapter 3

I never want to see you again after today journal. Okay. I'm going to take you... burn you... and then drown you at the bottom of riverbank, where hopefully its current will carry you out to sea, far beyond the reach of a simple little wolf like myself. Past any point of return is where I wish to abandon you... but for the minute, all I can do is refuse to acknowledge the fact that I'm even needing to write in you.

But this hurts. Reminiscing back on these happier times only makes this moment harder to deal with, because should I lose in the end... I'll only align those good things preexisting with a bad memory gained; I'll drown in my sadness thinking that everything I did was baseless, empty, and full of disappointment... even when that statement couldn't be further from the truth.

Dammit, I never thought my soul would ever feel this weak again. But, it's just... well, it's like this...

"Now this is what I imagine heaven will be like! Gods, bless you for making Addlelark city at least full of something worthwhile to look at!" I reflected and smiled on with glee as I enjoyed watching the first splash of the day come from a rather buff male lion diver, who had just jumped off the high board and held excellent form as he entered the pool below him.

"Damn, now that's skill!" I remarked aloud as I slowly clapped my hands and made my way over to the general bleachers section, where I had always found myself sitting in whenever I came here.

To its credit though, the true astonishment behind this particular section came from not specifically where I sat, but how I sat, because depending on their distance from me, and the looseness of their Speedo's, a money shot has been known to occur more than once or twice before, much to my delight.

Because let's face it, guys adjust their junk, and especially more so while wearing skin tight garments. And if there's nothing but dudes around -especially here at this male only side of the pool- they certainly aren't looking around to check and see who's watching them do it, unless they're into that; not that I held any impulses of chasing after every dick slip, or possible glory hole opportunity, that might possibly present itself to me anymore.

Following that line of thinking though, I realized how comforting it was to think about my life in those kind of terms now: to know that I can take those sorts of impulses and urges I develop, and just feed them positively back into my relationship. A notion that I hope, in the long run, Daniel would hold no objections over.

However, for all the good feelings I try and afford myself sometimes, I've also come to learn I should never get too ahead of myself with counting my chickens before they hatch. For no sooner had I started to finally allow a great sense of pride and confidence in my life to bolster within me then -after I had turned upwards to catch a more ideal glimpse of a muscled gator who I was just checking out- did my eyes almost pop out of my head next, as I caught sight of someone I knew all too well.

"Well, now that makes about as much sense as any..." I groaned inwardly before I fled from my easily ascertainable position atop the bleachers, and immediately made a sprint for -seeing as how if I had instead made straight for the exit, I surely would've been spotted- the area directly beneath the lifeguard tower. In the moment, it felt the smarter of choices, seeing as it was the only safe space from which I could not seen by the familiar, yet not welcomed face which had managed to sneak its way into my existence yet again.

With worry of him having seen me hanging over my head, I anxiously watched -and hid- while his spotted tail swished backwards and forwards above me then, while he himself kept looking dutifully out only towards the pool area it seemed.

"Crap! Damn it! Crap!" Was all I kept thinking as I nervously looked up at him from my position below him and behind his person, hoping that he hadn't noticed me when I had been sitting right in his field of vision prior. To the best of my knowledge however, he hadn't even paid me any mind, or at the very least feigned interest.

Instead, while dutifully performing the job of someone who I would expect to be sitting on such a throne, he never once broke focus it seemed as he watched each diver fall into the pool one after another, ready to jump in if someone's head didn't poke itself back up again.

Truth be told, it was nice seeing him do something good with himself, seeing as nothing but bad memories were all I had left of him anymore.

Try what I could to not think about our past then though - months passed since our otherwise previously spoiled evening- those memories still came flooding back into my mind. With them, his name, which managed to slip its way back into my thoughts like a burn suffered from a blazing campfire: Ty...

"You know, it may be a pool full of chemicals and what not, but don't you think I'd remember your scent?" My heart stopped then as I overheard Ty speak, to which I instinctively and cautiously began my play at escaping from the area, but found it an increasingly impossible task, as he dismounted quickly from off his throne and dropped down to the ground level right beside where I was hiding.

Now, against how much I disliked this snow leopard for being a sleaze to me in the past, damn me if I didn't take a honest second -well coming out slowly from my hiding spot- to think about how he was the second most gorgeous animal I had ever had the pleasure to know.

"Ty..." Was all I could almost squeak out at the time, while I watched another lifeguard come over and relieve the snow leopard after he signaled them over, before I saw him begin to make his way over to where I was.

"Hey Charlie. Can we talk? I just got off my shift here, and I have a little time before I have to go over to the hospital."

"Yeah and what of it?" I started in on him right away, not allowing him a word in edgewise in the beginning if I could help it. "Pfft. What a fine time to run into you. Not that there's ever really been a fine time otherwise. But you know what? I gotta be heading to class soon, and I really don't have the time for this..."

I laid it all on heavy and quick I realized, but with Ty, I knew from experience it was the best option I had. I mean, it's not like he had miraculously changed over the summer somehow...

"Charlie. Please. Can we just..." He started calmly enough in rebuttal, but I just wasn't hearing any of it, as he positioned himself a little closer to me again, which instantly triggered my memory of how handsy he could get; even if we were in full view of witnesses this time.

Unfortunately, thanks to that kind of rationale, and other prejudices I held against him still, I started to allow my irritation to mix with agitation right away. All so I could let Ty now afterwards how his sudden reappearance in my life really made me feel right then...

"No. You stay right there Ty, okay. I really just... don't want this to be a big scene... especially here of all places. I mean... dammit man, this was my favorite place! Now it's all ruined... thanks to you!"

Like a general on a warpath, I couldn't stop myself from speaking my mind it seemed. But if I was being honest, I knew I didn't want to stifle myself either, not while he just stood there looking in the opposite direction from where I kept hitting him with hard and true statements; ones which he knew he had to answer for.

"What is it with you? Huh? You stalker... deadbeat... cheating...!" I egged and pushed harder, hoping he'd crack and give up eventually; and ah, how good that'd feel...

"Charlie! Enough!" He hissed at first, but then shyly and slowly replied afterwards as his tail hid itself behind him, finding its length wrapping around and in-between his muscled legs. "Stop, okay... you win. I get it. I suck."

And there it was: that emotion called remorse I never thought he of anyone would have. I recognized it almost immediately just by looking at his posture, because honestly, I used to see the same shame filled man in my mirror not too long ago...

"Now look. I just wanted to apologize to you, and tell you I was wrong for before. For whatever that is worth to you. I mean, I don't know what drove me to go after you like I did back then. Guess maybe, I just felt something between us that one time in the hospital elevator, you know. Well, what a fool I was huh?" The cat seemed to question of himself, before he went and sat himself down on some nearby bleachers; for some reason I was inclined to follow him over.

"It's just that umm... well, you might not like me saying this, but you're not just cute okay. I mean hell, as far as that all stands, you're a hundred; out of a scale of ten." He shyly admitted before I realized that this was really the first time he had seen me with any exposed upper part of my body at all. "But damn, what did that fling between us even get me in the end huh? Well, I'll tell you: An ex that won't even return my calls, and me having to work two jobs to pay off a debt I'll never honestly catch up on by myself."

"Wow..." was all I could think as the leopard bared his soul completely out to me then. In truth, had been a lesser animal, I could have simply ignored him. In my heart though, I knew I didn't want to be that kind of person anymore, not even towards him, especially after all the growing up I felt I did this past summer.

"Ty... why are you telling me all this? I mean honestly, we barely know each other. Yeah, sure, we may know what each other's cocks look like, but that doesn't make us close. I mean, I'm not trying to be insulting here or anything, but..."

Only after I watched Ty lift up his head slowly, and saw a single tear roll down his cheek, did I know realize how serious our conversation was about to become...

"Charlie... what if I told you I believe, in my mind anyway, that you were the closest thing to a best friend I have ever had? That someone who, even if you were pretending with me the whole time, or didn't even like me, I felt made a difference in my life anyway... which you did by the way. No joke, I broke up with my ex ultimately because of you, and I keep that reason why with me at all times now." He admitted before he lifted up his hat and then brought down to bare an object very familiar to me.

Truthfully, my back could've spasmed if I had laughed any harder inwardly at the awkwardness of, after all my attempts to deliver it to Daniel, where it had ended up anyway: my origami heart.

"I found this sometime after I had drove off from your place that last time I saw you. And yeah, I did open it up, and read that sweet little message you had written inside it for that Shepherd friend of yours. Daniel right? And at first, I just wanted to crush the thing, you know. It held no memory or value for me. You obviously were done with me. But... as I drove home with it in my hand after that night I found it, something hit me. What was I driving home to? Sure, I had a boyfriend waiting for me too, but I think because of you, I realized I didn't really care about him... or at the very least not enough. Because if I had, I never should have asked you out in the first place, right?" Ty said as he longingly stared at the heart just like I used to myself.

"And so... I went home that night and ended it with him, right then and there. Felt like shit for doing it, but its only because he admitted to cheating on me as well. Ironically, both of us equally invalidated our relationship in that instant, making me feel personally like I had just been wasting all of my time up until then. So, though I hate to admit it, I went to a bar almost immediately afterwards, and went pretty heavy on the sauce to be honest. Only to wake up in an alley the very next day, cold and alone, but with your heart still in my hands. However, that was when I realized I held onto the most important part of that night with me: courage to do the things I must, to get my life moving forward in the right direction."

How romantic his confession all sounded might have brought me to tears, had I not had to get over the prior urge to still punch him then and there. "So yeah Charlie, you go right ahead and hate me. Spit on me. Punch and pinch me, I don't care. Because none of those things will change the fact you had a life-affirming effect on me..."

I was left speechless in the end as the slim muscled leopard breathed in and out heavily in-between his quick bursts of subtle tears. In earnest, I felt bad for him because, aside from Daniel, he was honestly the only other person in the world I had ever felt regretful about my actions taken towards.

"So there Charlie. That's my crappy life in sixty-nine seconds. Hopefully this'll change how you feel about me, because I'd like to give a try at actually being your friend. You know, to have someone in my life who I can learn from: about what love is... and maybe how I too can recognize it for myself. Basically, I want someone to show my humanity to every once in awhile, because despite what you might think about me still... I do feel." Ty said with a somber affliction before he stood up quickly and started to walk off sullenly, but not before he looked back at me for a brief second then and finished with "I'll see you around, okay?"

I sat there for a while afterwards, just listening to the remaining splash of divers and dashers that continued to congregate in the pool area now. But even as more and more people seemed to flood into the area, I had never felt more alone as I hung my head low in-between my legs and began to laugh; softly at first, though slowly and shamefully it grew louder.

"I changed someone's life? Me? Mister zero direction, who only thinks I have my life together because I feel my relationship is all I need to define me? Me? Mister neurotic, who harbors tendencies of running away from my life, all cause I'm still afraid I'm going to mess up the most important thing in it someday, and would rather not bare the pain?" I thought as I laughed harder at how pathetic I really am, only further proved by my need to come to a place like this just to feel normal...

As I stood up finally to leave, realizing time was up for me as a nearby coach whistled for the synchronized swimmers to begin their practice, I couldn't help but laugh at myself more as I couldn't stop thinking about what Ty had just said, and how the thoughts of him and his lament failed to leave my heart. "I mean how? How does anyone feel that way about me? Why?"

And as I ran back to my lecture hall, so to grab an -like how I had originally intended to earlier with my first class- eager seat in the back of the lecture hall, I found I had to eat and swallow down hard my previous musings and ruminations, because I knew they were only going to lead to an ending of a story I didn't want to read about; or rather, I didn't want to write for myself.

What will happen next? Let's see what happens...