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I could hardly remember what it felt like to not be lonely.

Today was a year since Scott walked out of my life. Easily, this had been the worst year of my life. I'd gone through every stage of grief over and over, only for something new to shock me right back down to stage one. Today was no exception. It was only the afternoon and I'd been drinking. I did that a lot these days. Wasn't much else to occupy me and my sober thoughts were unbearable.

Scott and I went way back. Highschool sweethearts. I loved him. Still do. In every way, we were meant to be. Things weren't perfect, but what is? I was 48 now. We'd already spent half a lifetime together, on and off through the years. Sometimes he'd go, sometimes it was me. We'd always come back to each other.

But a year ago it was different.

He was done. For good this time.

Didn't want anything to do with me anymore.

Only I wanted everything to do with him. And this entire year was horrible, because he was all I wanted. Every day I woke up wondering if things would be different if we tied the knot like we spoke about doing. Every night I dreamt of him by my side and every day I suffered his absence.

Undeniably I was my worst without him.

And frustratingly he seemed to be worse off without me as well. He'd never cut me off from his social media. Never erased me from his photo albums. Somehow that made it worse. Made it feel like everything was still there, waiting to be rekindled. On my 40th birthday he'd shared a photo of us kissing passionately. I don't think a week has passed without me staring at that image. I was so paranoid of losing it I had saved copies of it everywhere. He was a bear like me, brown furred and a bit of belly, but it was in more ways than just physical. We were kindred spirits from a young age.

Staring at that photo, I could still feel the contours of his lips. Could taste the spiced wine we'd been drinking. Could feel how tightly he held me. How much he loved me.

Only on the anniversary of our separation that picture burned to look at. Fuck. There were tears in my eyes. I wanted him so badly. For the hundredth time I started typing a message to him, only to back out in fear and delete it all as I always did. Didn't want to upset him. Didn't want to say the wrong thing. Didn't want to push him even further away.

I don't know what I'd do if I lost the ability to contact him. It was lonely out here, up in the mountains. I was the foreman for a logging company that only had permit to harvest here during the winter. It was fall now and I'd been out of action for eight months with little to fill my time. I still trained newcomers to the business, they'd lodge with me while I taught them the ropes, or new skills or courses to help their work. The company had access to other logging sites during different periods of the year, so it was somewhat constant to have new trainees in need of my guidance.

Tonight I'd take on two more. Just for a week. I usually looked forward to this sort of thing, but I wasn't in a good place today. I didn't even care I'd be welcoming them while I was drunk. I needed help coping and gin was the best thing for it. I knew one of them already at least, an old friend of mine's son. The familiar company would be a lot more welcome than the strangers I was used to but I wasn't convinced I could socialize today.

Still, I would try.

The logging company I worked for was one of the major employers in this rather remote region and maintaining its reputation was important for ensuring I kept my job. The closest town was a 20 minute drive from me and only supported a few thousand people. Without this work, I genuinely wasn't sure what I'd end up doing. Every other aspect of my life was a mess since Scott left me.

That thought was a dangerous spiral I was mercifully pulled from by my phone buzzing with a text. My guests would be here soon. I hadn't noticed how late it had gotten. Hadn't really been keeping track of how much I'd been drinking either.

Perhaps I was a little too buzzed.

I put the lid back on the bottle of gin I'd been sloshing back all day and waited until a knock at the door pulled me from my stupor.

I swayed as I made my way down the hall.

A sense of relief filled me as I opened the door. My two guests, Cam and Tristan, were here and for a week, I wouldn't be alone.

Cam was a fox, just over six foot, well built with a coat of fluffy ginger fur. He'd always had a bit of a mean look to him, with his heavyset brow and short ears but he was a lot less intimidating than he looked. I'd seen him mature from a young age every time I'd hung out with his father. He was 24 now and I was still happy to hear I'd be working with him. Even happier to see him.

Tristan on the other hand, I didn't know at all. He was a lion, 25 years old and similar height to Cam. He had a pleasant smile, tawny fur and a shaggy brown mane that looked very huggable.

Maybe I wasn't thinking straight. Could I really be blamed?

"Hey, welcome." I gave them both a wide grin and stumbled into Cam's arms to wrap him in a bear hug. "Been a long time." I rumbled and stepped back, now awkwardly meeting Tristan's eyes as I extended a hand to him. "Nice to meet ya."

I knew how wasted I sounded. Cam looked a little stunned more than anything else.

Tristan shook my hand. "Hey, Rob was it?"

"Yeah."

"Nice to meet you too. Cam's said uh, a fair bit about you."

I laughed as I welcomed them inside.

Fuck it was good to have company again.

"This'll be the easiest week of your lives." I stumbled down the hall into the lounge room. "It's mostly a waste of time, but it's a company policy waste of time." I laughed again. "Enjoy yourselves while you're here."

Even drunk, I could tell they were both a bit perturbed. But I had energy I hadn't felt in so long, just being around two young guys.

"How have you been Rob?" Cam asked nervously.

"Lonely." I winced. "Sorry I'm a bit fucked right now. Things are, whatever. It's soooo good to have guests."

Cam nodded. "That's alright."

Somehow we made it through introductions and held some kind of conversation. I could hardly remember a word I said or heard, but that didn't seem so important. Not much did, until I remembered something they probably should know about.

"Oh yeah. Sleeping arrangements are a bit of an issue. Only spare bed's a single. One of you's welcome to sleep on the couch." I gave them a cautious look. "Or Cam since I know you I don't mind you sleeping with me." I added hastily. Don't know why I said that. Why did I say that? Probably shouldn't have said that. At least not like that. I was lonely, but that wasn't their problem. Fuck, I felt so awkward as they thought about it for a moment.

Maybe I shouldn't have been drinking. First impressions mattered.

"I don't mind sharing a bed actually," Cam said. He looked so much like his father, Kenneth, another guy I'd known since highschool.

"Yeah, sure, that's fine then." I hated that it made my heart beat faster. Just the idea that I wouldn't be lonely tonight.

"Just don't make it weird," he added jokingly.

I chuckled. "Course not."

Would cuddling be weird to him?

Fuck.

Shouldn't go there, don't even think that.

Man. I wanted to though. It'd been so long... But he was my friend's son. I needed to think of something else, anything else. Had I been staring at him during this lull in conversation?

I could've groaned if it wouldn't have brought more attention to it.

"Can I get you guys a drink or something?" I offered, head spinning. I was out of it, they'd understand that right? Hopefully they'd bite.

"Nah I'm good," Cam said.

"Same." Tristan took a glance back to the half-empty bottle of gin on my coffee table. "You uh, drink a lot?"

"Keeps the loneliness at bay," I muttered.

A frown creased the lion's lips. "Uhuh. And uh, like... You good?"

"Eh." I shrugged, unable to say more. An awkward silence followed. "Thanks for caring."

"Mmm." He clapped a hand on my shoulder. "Things'll be alright."

"Sure." I rubbed the back of my neck. If only he knew. I could let him know. But I didn't want to start slurring my way through something that bleak when I'd only just met him. I showed him to his room instead, at the opposite end of the hall from my bedroom.

Once they'd both set aside their suitcases I gave them a little tour of my place. It wasn't much, with the lounge and kitchen taking up most of the living space but for a lodge I owned it was enough.

"You guys tired?" I asked. They both nodded. "Then we should get some shut eye, it'll be an early morning."

I don't really know what happened following that. We split up to get ready for bed and all I could think about was sleeping with Cam. When we settled into the sheets, I wished him goodnight and held my tongue. I liked pillow talk, but pillow talk was exactly that, and that felt inappropriate no matter how badly I wanted to strike up another conversation. I hadn't really spoken to anyone in months, but this tired and still fairly drunk I didn't trust my ability to keep it normal.

Cam seemed a little sheepish as he crawled into Scott's side of the bed. It was weird to have someone else in Scott's place after so long but it didn't feel that awkward. I stayed on one side and Cam stayed on the other. It was comforting to hear his breath soft and steady beside me. I had missed that.

Missed it a lot.

Too much perhaps. The last year had been so long, so lonely. To have another warm body so close was uplifting but... it wasn't quite enough. There was more I wanted. This distance between us, less than an arm away made a lot of things tempting.

I wished I could roll up beside him, rest my head against the back of his neck. To hold him. It'd be warmer that way, more comforting. More... I didn't want my thoughts to go there. That felt wrong. This was my friend's son, I'd seen that boy grow into a man. A man who now lay in my reach.

I scowled to myself, there were thoughts in my head I didn't want to dwell on.

My scowl deepened as my cock twitched.

This could be normal, right? I was lonely. It was just my body reacting to having another so close. So what if I cracked a stiffy? Who wouldn't in my position? I hadn't even jerked off in the last two weeks. And Cam was a good looking fox who'd grown into his mid-twenties with a bit of muscle on his shoulders and a ruggedness to his coat that his father never had.

Sure. I was a touch horny for my friend's son.

It didn't have to mean anything because it wasn't going to become anything.

Still. My cock grew uncomfortably hard and pressed up into the blankets. I slipped a hand past the waistband of my pyjamas. I wasn't going to jerk off, just fondle all seven inches of my arousal.

I was touch starved. There was nothing wrong with recognizing that. There was nothing wrong with giving myself a little squeeze, which I did. And it felt good. It'd been so long since I was really in the mood. So maybe I would play with myself a bit on the sly. Nothing too noticeable. Then when I was certain Cam fell asleep, I'd slink off to the bathroom or... or I could jerk off right next to him. I could be quiet. I could... no, no I shouldn't. I really shouldn't. That was a stroke too far.

But damn.

The idea was hot and...

Oh.

Guess my hand was already moving.

Guess I already was jerking off next to Cam.

Alright. Well. It wasn't like he'd noticed.

I stroked myself, a devious smile on my face. Fuck that felt good. I hadn't been this horny in a while but even slowly tugging at my dick was a little difficult to keep secret. I was hardly breathing as I gave myself another jerk. Maybe I should just get up, go somewhere else I could finish this how I wanted to.

But then Cam rolled onto his side. My heart stopped, I froze up and stifled a sound of shock. His back was to me thankfully. But his tail brushed over my other hand. All bushy and soft like any other fox. I frowned as I stroked my fingers through his sumptuous fur, as slowly as I stroked myself. What was I doing? Really, what was I doing? Why was I doing this? I shouldn't.

Cam exhaled peacefully, he jostled and came to rest a little closer to me. I kept running my fingers through the fur of his tail. He snored softly.

I took my hand out of my pants. This was too good of an opportunity. I rolled over towards him, the sort of movement one might make in their sleep. And then I was near enough to smell him. By that point, we were so close he'd be able to feel the warmth of my body. He didn't adjust or shy away. Did that mean this was okay? No was the obvious answer, but he also hadn't retreated.

I knew if I was completely sober and wasn't horny, I'd have spent more time thinking. But I was horny and I wasn't sober. I put my hand upon his arm and waited. He didn't jerk or jostle. He snored weakly again. Once more I felt uncertain. He hadn't rejected me yet, was he even asleep?

There was a way to find out.

I inched closer so my chest pressed against his back.

He relaxed back against me, his butt pressed against my fully erect cock. I didn't expect that. A sudden exhalation jumped from within me. A sound which was unmistakably from pleasure. Cam jerked away and for a short moment I feared I'd really fucked up.

But then he shuffled back. Slower and more gently, the firm cheek of his ass rest against my erect cock. And that set fire to my thoughts. He understood. Maybe I'd startled him, but he knew now. And he wanted more. I rubbed my muzzle against the back of his neck. I wanted to ask him if he wanted me to go further. But I was scared I'd get a response. Scared it wouldn't be what I wanted or that it would ruin the mood.

Did that make me a coward?

Something worse?

I don't know.

But my hand was already moving over his hip. His entire body tensed as I rest my palm over his cock. God damn that felt good. He was as hard as I was and fucking damn I felt like such a pervert. But he was horny too.

He leant his head back, a soft gasp on his lips as I squeezed him through his pyjama pants. I was nearly salivating. He was bigger than me. I brushed my knuckles against his chest as I slipped my hand into his pants to grope him.

Was he touch starved too? Perhaps. But this was all encouraging. His cock was hot to the touch, and the way his body contracted against mine when I wrapped my hand around his shaft made precum ooze from me. I started jerking him, slowly, savoring the way he squirmed against me. He was sensitive, and he was moaning and that only made me want to go further.

His mouth was hanging open.

Should I?

Too late.

I licked his upper lip. His eyes shot open, the edges of his lips pulled back. He kissed me. Hard. He wanted this then. He wanted it bad.

And feeling how quickly his pyjama pants moistened, it only made me even hornier. I had to know what he tasted like. I sat up. He stared at me as I lifted the sheets and went under, brushing my nose down his chest. The white fur of his underbelly was so soft, so warm. Smelled so strongly of him. Not too musky, a clean scent of a 24 year old fox. Cam was in his prime. And he wanted this.

But he'd gone still since I'd moved under the sheets. I gave his cock one last tug before I rest both hands atop his waistband, ready to expose him so I could suck him off. I pushed down the slightest bit to tease him a little.

"Wait." His voice came anxious.

I ignored it, in a moment he'd be in heaven and so would I. I pulled his pants down to his groin.

"Stop it." He jerked back and scrambled away from me.

I stared dumbfounded at him as I lifted the sheets off of my head. "Huh?"

"My pa warned me about you." In the darkness I could barely make out the scowl on Cam's face, but I knew it was there. "'N I was curious. Was fun but I don't want you to do what, blow me?"

I nodded, stupefied. How come? He'd been nothing but encouraging up until then. Well. He hadn't been discouraging at least. Why was a blowjob too far? "Yeah. Was gonna suck you dry." I licked my lips, afraid if I backed down I really would lose the chance to. That was stupid, wasn't it? He'd already said no.

"I don't want that." Cam snorted.

"Seemed pretty into it." I furrowed my brow. His response sounded almost bitter.

"Don't want someone down there. A hand's enough." he said defensively.

"Then I'll jerk you off." I put a hand on his thigh. He swatted me away.

"Nah. Not after that."

"Not after you kissed me?" I hardened my voice. Why was I still going? Something about his response had ticked me off. I knew I should've left it at that.

"Funny." Cam pressed his foot against my arm to push me back. "Thought you were weird at first, didn't think you were that much of a creep. Take a fucking clue. Not interested."

It took me far longer than it should've had to. I dipped my chin, stunned by disbelief. He adjusted his pants and gave me a cold look. And that finally punched through the drunken haze in my thick skull. My jaw dropped. I felt sick. The hell was I doing? That wasn't even what I wanted. Just to cuddle. That's all I'd wanted. And we had that. And I took it too far.

"Fuck." I hated how pained I sounded. "I'm so sorry." I crushed my palm against my forehead. "I... I'll go sleep on the couch." I stood with my back turned to him so he wouldn't be able to see the semi still tenting my pants. I put my paw on the door handle, ready to leave my room. I took a look back at him, my stomach in a knot. "I promise I didn't mean to do that. It wasn't what I wanted, I just..."

"You just did it, though."

"Yeah." I sighed. "Sorry." I turned the handle and pushed out into the hall. I couldn't help myself. Regret sat heavy on my tongue. "Just wanted to cuddle." My voice was all croaky.

Cam tilted his head but didn't reply. I shut the door and tiptoed down the hall to the lounge. There were tears in my eyes. This was... exactly why Scott had left me. I didn't know how to take a hint. Got too far ahead of myself and didn't listen. I made people uncomfortable in ways I knew I shouldn't, but in those moments I didn't care.

The alcohol wasn't an excuse.

Why? Why hadn't I learned? I clutched my head in my hands. What was wrong with me?

I don't know how long I sat there like that, holding my head as I stared at the floor. I think I cried. I'm not entirely sure. My face felt numb. I was sick of it all, sick of myself. I hadn't even gone a few hours without fucking up.

That was why I should be alone.