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He thought it had been going pretty well. Now Jake wasn't so certain.

He had noticed it more recently, Lyle had been more distant than usual. Not in a way that was evasive, he wasn't trying to separate himself from Jake like earlier in the year, but he was just often lost in thought, spacing out until Jake got his attention, and wasn't willing to talk about what was eating at him. Jake didn't push the issue, but he was concerned - it wasn't what he'd gotten accustomed to with Lyle, and he wasn't sure what to make of it.

Except for one thing...maybe the fox was getting ready to ask him to move out.

Their rental agreement had been a fairly standard form with a fairly standard time frame - one year. He'd moved in a few days after the first, but they had agreed that it would end at the end of the year, with the option to renew if they both agreed to it. Jake would have agreed in a heartbeat, this was working out very well for him...but it was Lyle's house and he had the ultimate say, and he was noncommittal when Jake asked him what his thoughts were. While he'd been getting Lyle more outgoing, maybe he still wanted to have privacy again where he lived. And maybe he still remembered Jake's attitudes and actions from early on...the wolf wouldn't have blamed him if he factored that into the decision.

Of course, the complicating factor was his continued attraction to Lyle, which had only gotten stronger week after week - something he wished he could put out of his head but had accepted at this point he couldn't. Part of him really didn't want to be separated from Lyle, another part thought that distance might make it easier to get him out of his head. Maybe he should have talked with someone about it, but the thought on his mind was that as long as he was the only one who knew about the issue, no one else could let it slip...that was a complication he didn't need and one Lyle didn't need either.

Although he didn't really want to, he was starting to scout out other options, just in case it came to that. He hoped that Lyle would be flexible on when he left, if that was the intention - making these kinds of arrangements on short notice wasn't easy. Of course, easier still was not having to make any arrangements at all, but he was hoping for the best while planning for the worst. Once Lyle was ready to tell him, he'd accept it and make do. Hopefully he'd be able to retain the fox as a friend either way - Lyle had changed his life for the better, after all.

Thankfully, there were other things he could put his mind to. Especially recently.

It had only been a few weeks ago that he'd been given a link to an online forum called Platonic Sanctuary; Rowan had been part of it for a while and thought Jake might be a good fit for it. It turned out to be something of a hybrid support and discussion group, with one thing in common - its members were 'safe' individuals of various phenos as well as individuals from the common targets for that sort of unwanted attention. Jake had connected with a number of them and found that there were quite a few similar stories to his own - people who had started out disrespectful and aggressive and learned to back off and be more understanding. Some of them had been even worse than he was - more than a couple of them had records for sexual assault, and there were even a couple who were unconvicted yet carried with them the guilt over their acts. It wasn't easy hearing about some of their stories, but the importance couldn't be understated - Jake was painfully aware that he could have walked down that path, and even now he couldn't ben entirely sure that he hadn't been the perpetrator of an assault because he'd made an unwanted advance that he simply wasn't aware was unwanted, because he didn't care to think about that at the time.

The forum was a safe space for those at-risk individuals as well as a way for others to keep supporting their safe comrades. Confessions of temptation were far from an anomaly, and members were constantly urging others to remain strong and not let lust cloud their judgment. Jake felt fortunate on some level that he'd beaten most of that, he couldn't say he'd really felt much temptation to abuse his 'safe' status, but he still felt like it was important to remind himself what was at stake all the time - it wasn't really about him, but about the others who sought safety and security in him. He'd offered his own words of encouragement, hoping that they might help even a little bit.

Of course, there were also plenty of testimonials of victims and at-risk individuals, their many and frequent challenges going through life seen as nothing more than conquests and sexual objects. The struggles they faced and the suffering they'd endured was heartbreaking at times...far harder to read in many cases than anything else. It had him cursing ever being so inconsiderate and buying into those stereotypes...but he couldn't change the past, he could only be better in the future. The words of support they had for him in his efforts to de better were heartening, giving him further resolve.

But he couldn't shake off what was bothering him - so many supportive voices, yes, but only a fraction of the people out there. How many more worried individuals had no idea there was someone out there who could help them? How many more allies were flying under the radar, known to nearly no one else? Especially in other big cities where the dangers were somewhat higher simply due to the numbers of strangers who could be threats. All of that was lingering on Jake's mind a lot in these November days...the idea that, maybe, it didn't HAVE to be that way.

---

Lyle was entirely unaware of the inner conflict Jake was under. Partly because he was focused on hiding his own inner conflict from the wolf, and partly because the rest of his focus was on so much else.

Much as he was trying not to pay attention to Jake, Lyle's attention was more and more fixated on him. Dreams and imaginings that were more enjoyable, comfortable, even sensual - even if he wanted to get rid of them, he wasn't able to. And more and more he wasn't sure he wanted to, because they were so warming and so relaxing, drawing down the constant pall of anxiety he'd lived under for so long. Lyle couldn't remember the last time a person had inspired those feelings in him - even his aunt hadn't really accomplished that, for all that she had benefited him. But he still didn't trust himself, still couldn't feel comfortable expressing those feelings or desires, so he did his best not to provide any reason for Jake to question whether there was something else going on. This had led to him being a bit more evasive with him, which wasn't what he was trying to do, but he'd learned that if you didn't want to say the wrong thing it was best to say as little as possible.

He did have an excuse he could go to, though: preparing for houseguests. Gratitude Day was coming up, the third Friday in November. It was a day for gathering with people and reminding each other about the good things in their lives, and a reminder to never take them for granted and give a special appreciation to them. It also, in an infrequent coincidence, happened to be Lyle's birthday this year. Ordinarily, neither one denoted a particularly special occasion for the fox - when one remained sequestered in the house perpetually, the passage of time held dulled meaning, and he never felt particularly grateful for all that much. But the topic of a celebration between their group of friends had come up, and spending time around them was definitely something Lyle wanted to do more of.

That said, he still didn't know why he'd volunteered to host.

Well, he knew on one level, at least - his house was large, perfect for hosting a gathering with people, he would have no shortage of food or entertainment for them. But he didn't know the first thing about hosting a party. Why would he take on that responsibility when he was woefully underprepared psychologically? He still wasn't sure, and he'd mulled bowing out and suggesting someone else do it...but something kept him from doing so. He wasn't really sure what that was. Guilt over foisting it on someone else who wasn't ready for it? A sense of duty? The fact that it was the most reasonable location? He was pretty sure none of those would have trumped his feelings before, so he couldn't say.

All he knew was, the date was fast approaching and he was getting especially fussy about everything. He was drawing back on his caretaking days for cleaning, and getting almost a bit obsessive over it - he hadn't done a really thorough cleaning in years. After all, why prepare the house for anyone when you didn't want anyone in there? In fact to him a bit of mess was protective, potentially dissuading others from wanting to be in there. But now that he actually WANTED people in there...well, he was starting to realize just how much the need to clean could build up over time. He wasn't a slob, but little things had never really bothered him...not so at the moment.

Still, keeping busy helped his mind. He wasn't anxiety-free, but having something to focus on channeled that nervous energy into something productive. It felt good to be doing something active, at least, and it helped distract him from the other things weighing on his head, at least a little bit. He knew he would have to face these issues more seriously at some point, but without really knowing how to address them, his practice of avoiding them was coming in handy.

---

"You guys...you didn't have to go all out like this."

"Pfft...Lyle, if you think this is going 'all out,' you oughta see what Farley does for birthday parties," snickered Rowan. Lyle's embarrassment aside, it was a fairly modest set-up - a cake, balloons, and a small collection of presents on the table. None of which the fox had been expecting, and Jake had seen to that - he wanted to provide a gift of a bit of relief from all the stress he'd been under when getting things together, so that he could enjoy the rewards of the day of fun.

"I was talking about a surprise party, but Jake shot that down," remarked Gylles. "Probably for the best, I think it probably woulda been a little harder on you than most."

"Y-yeah...I don't really like surprises much," Lyle said, grimacing a bit at even the thought of it.

"I don't really see what the fuss is about," remarked Xander, as he finished tying a balloon to Lyle's chair. "Surprise parties mean whatever you were intending to do was completely shot, whether you were looking forward to it or not. I'd rather have something prepared in advance with my knowledge."

"Maybe I'm just of a different mind, I'd love for my buddies to surprise me like that sometime," replied Gylles with a shrug.

"We'll keep that in mind for the next time yours comes around, whenever that is," remarked Jake. "Though now that I've said that, it probably wouldn't be much of a surprise."

"I'm sure you could come up with something to catch me off-guard!"

"Sure. We'll get you a big giant cake and then have Xander pop out of it."

"Bad idea," said the monitor. "I'm probably the least sexy person you'd ever see in a thong."

"Who said you'd be wearing a thong?"

"I'm pretty sure that's a requirement for popping out of a cake."

"Oddly enough, I think you could be completely naked and it still wouldn't be erotic," remarked Rowan. "You just don't give off that aura at all."

"You noticed that, too?" said Lyle. "It was so weird when he walked in and just...didn't seem like that at all. But really kinda refreshing, I'd never met anyone like that before."

"You're not the first to think that," chuckled Xander. "I remember when I first started hanging out with that group, Jerome didn't want me around because he thought I sucked all the sexy out of the room. A bit flattering to be thought of as a black hole of eroticism, in a way, but I think it was sufficiently proven that that was NOT the case. But I do project my lack of interest pretty well, it seems, even if I try not to make a fuss about it."

"Guys, we're doing entirely too much talking and not enough eating delicious food and cake," announced Gylles. "Come on, let's sit down and get the formalities out of the way so we can chow."

It didn't take too much more wrangling to get the five to sit at the table, all facing each other in preparation for the traditional Speaking of the Graces. Gylles seemed to have things in order as he spoke up. "Okay, you know the tradition. Before we all enjoy the food and whatnot, we all gotta go around and talk about a couple of the good things in our lives. No copping out with something lame like 'I'm happy to be me' or anything like that, and the more recent it's been the better."

"I might as well go first," piped up Xander. "The best thing in my life is my new job starting in January and the fact that I was able to flip my shitty supervisor at Haverly's the bird. Oh, it was so amazing to see that expression on her face when I told her I was outta there..."

"Why would she be pissed about that?" asked Jake. "I thought you said she hated you."

"She does. Constantly putting me down, trying to find any excuse to put marks on my record there, shirking rules when it's convenient for her and inconvenient for me. But the idea of me getting a better job than her absolutely grills her. As long as I was working under her, she had that smug superiority of having a better lot in life. I think she even tried to sabotage me getting this job."

"Shit, really? How?"

"I got a message from HR that she was asking for the number of the place to call them...according to the HR person, she said she wanted to give them a testimonial about how good a worker I was. But this was after I'd already gotten the offer, so there was nothing she could say that would really help my case...but plenty she'd love to say to try to torpedo it. I made sure to put the kibosh on that, but it made me glad my last day was yesterday."

"Being that kind of vindictive sounds absolutely exhausting," said Rowan with a shake of his head. "Not just for everyone around them, too. Where do you get that much energy to have that much spite?"

"I would be perfectly happy never knowing," Xander declared. "All right, that's off my chest, so I think it's up to you, otterpop."

"Well, okay, uh...damn, I was never good at this. I guess the best thing in my life is, uh, that I found some new friends to go to the beach and pool with. It's been better this year than any before with having some people I can count on to back me up if I get into a bit of a scrape."

"I'm amazed you were bold enough to go on your own," remarked Gylles. "The idea of being in a swimsuit just always felt like tempting fate to me."

"I mean...it kinda was, but I love swimming so much, I just can't avoid doing that just because I'm nervous about people. At least I try to avoid places where I know there's a lot of, uh, sketchy people who wouldn't take no for an answer...though, I don't want to go somewhere TOO isolated, because then if I need to cry for help, there's not a lot of people around who can come..."

"Sometimes that's for the better, though," remarked Xander. "Isn't there a thing where the more people who are around, the less likely they are to help because they think someone else will?"

"Ah, yeah, I heard about that from a counselor. But you're not going to get much help if there's zero other people around, either."

Lyle was next up, and the only tricky thing about his was actually saying it. "Uh, well...jeez...this is probably gonna sound really lame and all, but...honestly, the best thing in my life is...well, having friends who can come to my house and do stuff like this. I never thought I'd have that in my life, and I never thought I'd want to, with how nervous the idea made me. It's just...really a good feeling to have people you can just, talk with them, have them in the same area as you and not be super scary..."

"There must be a lot behind your story," Rowan said. "I don't know how you managed to stay away from people for so long...I think I'd probably go a little bit nuts."

"Yeah, well...I, uh...can't really say I haven't, to be honest. But it's not a super out there kind of nuts, at least. But, you know, it...it feels good. Having people I can trust and not be afraid of...I mean, it was one thing having them over the internet, where I didn't have to see them, I could always keep up that wall, and...I mean, I'm glad that I have them, they're someone to talk to and all that, but there's...there's something different about them just...BEING there in person."

"Seeing them, hearing them, touching them, smelling them," said Gylles. "You can't do all of those through a computer, and the ones you can, most people don't. They interact with boxes. It's a hyper-controlled environment. I've talked with people who insist that they can't be lonely because they talk to people online every day...and I ask them if they've ever seen their faces or heard their voices, and usually the answer is no. It's called 'crowded isolation,' and it can happen in other settings too, like in the big city when you're around people all the time but never actually interacting with them. The main ideas is that there are people all around you that you don't truly interact with, don't truly connect with, and so even though you have some kind of social setting, you still feel alone. Really, all you can do is try to approach someone and make a connection, but that's easier done in person than over a computer...the best way around that is to connect as personally as possible - pictures, video, audio, things that make them more 'real' than just boxes. You can't get everything, but you don't necessarily need everything to find that link, it just helps speed things along."

"Wow...I, uh, I never thought about it like that."

"Most don't. Which is part of the problem. People don't understand why they feel lonely when they have such-and-such number of social media friends and followers and the like...ask them how many fans at a music concert the artist actually knows and they start to get the hint. Connection is more than communication and base interaction. And with teens so invested in social media these days, I'm hoping that working on developing these ideas and how to address them will make me really helpful as a counselor someday, because they might be the ones who need that most."

"By the fact that you've already got a good bit of it down, I'm guessing you've practiced a lot," remarked Jake with a slight smirk.

"Lots of friends who needed that help themselves, to be sure. That's the good thing in my life, though - that I'm able to do something to give back to them. I see people out there who are users of their friends and it just seems so...tragic, I guess. For both sides, even. Obviously being used isn't any fun, but those people who don't really see it as a mutual connection, they don't know what it's really like to be a friend, they don't know how good it feels. To be able to make them happy, to enjoy their joys and lament their sorrows-"

"Okay, that feels like it's laying it on just a BIT thick," giggled Rowan.

"Ah-heh..." Gylles rubbed his head, a bit embarrassed. "Sorry, I can get kinda dramatic about this stuff. I guess just because I feel it strongly. But yeah, I always felt awkward when it felt like I was a friend but I couldn't really...offer anything, I guess, except myself. And sometimes that's all it takes, but it's more satisfying when you can do something for them, something specific. Being able to counsel and advise and help talk through problems, that's something I can do, and that's something that almost everyone needs at some point."

"That's a good thing, for sure," Lyle said, a bit quietly. "I don't often have people I can go to for advice or anything like that..."

"Well, you know someone now, so feel free to try to talk my ear off, they're that big for a reason! Anyway, I've been yammering on, and I think we just have one more person. Jake?"

Jake nodded. "Yeah, and I guess mine's pretty easy. The best thing in my life is coming to grips with my shitty behavior and getting a chance to work on being a better person. Considering how much of a douchebag I was at the start of the year...I'm really glad I've pushed that away and kept up with that."

"I was pretty glad for that myself," agreed Xander. "Especially because it meant I finally could open my big mouth for once and not feel like I was destroying all of my social life. Dangerous as it probably was, it felt good to lay into Jerome for once, tell him how I really felt...couldn't ever really do that when I didn't think anyone else had my back."

"I could always tell you didn't feel the same way as they did...I guess I just kinda ignored it. I don't think I ever really apologized to you about the way I treated you, either, I made a lot of, uh, insensitive jokes, about...well, you know..."

"Eh, I don't really mind those. I know I'm an odd one, even other asexuals do double-takes when I talk about my life. But seeing you turn around like that on those stereotypes was a lot more important, it always bugged me but I never felt safe speaking up. To be honest, I was pretty surprised how quickly those attitudes vanished. Considering that you were pretty thick with the way some certain other people thought, I would've expected it to take a lot longer."

"Yeah. But...I dunno, after I crash, as I start to get out of it...I swear it's like my brain smashes a few things for me to rebuild. Same thing happened when I started working for Daimon...I was super stressed out, not used to trying to be an adult and keep up with a job...first time since college that I deliberately went off them rather than just being pissy or forgetful, because I thought I couldn't handle it, and, well, it went the way anyone else would've expected. But after Benji pulled me out of that one, it was...well, weird how quickly I adjusted. Somehow it didn't seem like as difficult a thing to get used to afterwards as it had been before...same thing here. It's not like those thoughts don't creep in, but I think I just...got a chance to build something better and it's harder for them to influence me."

"I think I'm missing something," remarked Rowan, his expression utterly bewildered. "What crash?"

Gylles was equally baffled. "Deliberately went off...you're on meds or something?"

"Oh! Uh...I never told you guys, did I?" Jake felt himself flush. It wasn't something he was typically keen to talk about with other people, so it wasn't exactly out of the ordinary for him not to bring it up...but, considering how close they'd become, perhaps they should be brought into the loop. "I'll, uh, I'll talk about it with you guys after we're done here. I don't wanna lose my train of thought, especially because I had something more to go into with this whole line of thought."

"Okay...but you've got me all curious now, I don't know that I'm gonna be able to think about anything else."

"I hope you can, because I'm gonna want your feedback. You guys know I've been, uh, not as good of an ally in the past. Xander and Lyle know that a bit more, uh, directly than you and Rowan, but I've mentioned it to you."

"Yeah, I remember," said Rowan. "I didn't realize it was so recently, that really was a big turnaround."

"Yeah, it's something that's been pretty fresh, but I guess that helps keep me aware of things...I haven't forgotten how I used to be, so I guess it works to kinda push me to be better. But I can't help but think about other people I might've treated like crap, pushed into something they didn't want, just kinda...assumed that everything was all good when it wasn't. I don't really know what cases were totally above-board and which ones were...well, not, so I can't really go back and try to apologize...not that I know if they'd even want to see me anyway. But I still feel like I need to make up for that, I've only just scratched the surface."

"You've...you've done a really good job, in my opinion," Lyle said, somewhat bashfully.

"Yeah, I mean, you've helped defend us and support us and all that," agreed Gylles. "And, well, you wouldn't have the 'safe' label if people didn't find you trustworthy."

Jake smiled a bit. "And I really appreciate that people feel that way...I want to make sure I keep being someone who can support and defend them when they need it. But that's kinda the thing...people living in Pawnea might know, but what about people who are visiting or passing through? Maybe they need it, but how would they know who to look for, who they can trust? And everywhere else...I know there are people who are also like this, who want to be safe havens for those who are vulnerable and preyed on, but it doesn't help if someone doesn't know who they are." The smile turned to a frown. "I can't imagine what it would be like to have to go somewhere unfamiliar and not know anything about who you could talk to without being at risk for becoming a victim..."

"Yeah...taking chances like that, that's pretty scary," Rowan said with a shudder. "It's happened to me before. Going somewhere I don't know, talking to some guy who I'm hoping will just help and not ask for anything, and...well, they aren't like that. Only once or twice, so it's not every day, but once you get burned it's hard not to remember that more than all the times you were safe. It would be nice to know about safe people before I got there...that's why I got involved with Platonic Sanctuary in the first place."

"Right? And I guess if you're looped into a network like that, you have some better knowledge. But there's gotta be lots of people who aren't, who've never been part of anything like that and don't even know about it. But it doesn't have to be that way, right?"

"I'm getting the impression you've got an idea about how to make it NOT that way," remarked Xander.

"Well, it's an idea. One I'd like to make into reality, though it's going to take some time. But...what if there was a way to find people in whatever community you were in who were safe? What if you could just look them up, have their contact info, a description, and a way to communicate with them? Like, say, through an program that could be installed onto a device that just about everyone has nowadays?"

It clicked for Lyle first. "A mobile app? For finding safe people?"

"Yeah. I'm thinking of calling it, uh, something like FoxSafe or FoxSpace or something. People can be registered as safe, and their locations can be marked down, so that people traveling there who are worried or maybe have a history of bad encounters or something, whoever just feels to wary of talking to complete unknowns, can have some idea of who they can look to for help, rather than just having to rely only on luck. They don't even have to meet in person, maybe some kind of messaging system can be in place where they can offer advice, direction, places to go or to avoid, things like that."

"Sort of like an active support network or something," remarked Gylles thoughtfully. "Interesting idea...but, how would you know that they were actually safe? I could imagine some people thinking they could use this to score off of unsuspecting victims."

Jake nodded. "I've thought about that already - the, uh, perk of knowing people who you're pretty sure would do that if they had half a chance, I guess."

The rabbit snorted. "Some perk. I'm guessing you're talking about THOSE two."

"Sure enough. But, that's what got me to thinking, at least. It couldn't be something just anyone could sign up for. I'm thinking about a system where they have to be, uh, recommended or something like that, by at least a couple people who knew them and could vouch for them...people who might be, uh, more liable to be targets, in particular, because that's who this would cater to. And there could be ratings for them or such, so that others could make mention of any issues they had, and an active validation service to monitor complaints and get people off if they've changed or managed to squirm their way in somehow. I mean, I don't expect that it'd be perfect, but if it lowered the risk from, like, 5% to 1%, that's a huge difference."

"Seems to me that it would be better if we didn't HAVE a need for something like that," sighed Xander.

"That would be nice, but I don't think there's gonna me a magic wand making that happen," countered Rowan. "And if we have to take the long way around of forcing people to change, it'd be nice to have something that can help us stay safer until that happens."

"Oh, for sure, I wasn't trying to imply anything. Just, you know...wishful thinking, I guess."

"That sounds like a really good idea...but it sounds like it could be pretty complicated," said Lyle. "How long does something like that take?"

"I don't even know, but I think Daimon would have some idea. It's possible he might even sponsor the project as a business venture, which would be a huge help because that's a lot of resources I couldn't get otherwise. But I'm prepared to make it a personal project, I'll do whatever research it requires, and you guys would be a lot of help, since I know you have a lot of personal experiences which can inform some of the details."

"I propose we talk about that over food," declared Gylles. "We've all spoken up, so let's chow down!" There was a general assent to that, and soon they were all feasting, the atmosphere becoming more casual and relaxed as the focus turned to enjoying the moment.

---

Something remained on Lyle's mind, though. Something that hadn't been directly mentioned, but had come to him during the course of things. He wasn't really sure what to make of it, and for once decided to actually take the initiative and ask. And he had a good opportunity after dinner - Jake was setting down with Rowan and Gylles to talk about his condition, and Xander had offered to help Lyle with the dishes - exactly the person he wanted to ask.

It still took a bit for him to work up the nerve to...but he got to it eventually. "So, uh...can I ask you something?"

Xander looked over at Kyle quizzically. "Eh? Well, you can, but when you preface it like that, I don't know if I'm gonna answer..."

Lyle rubbed his head nervously. "Well...I mean...I guess you don't have to if you don't want to. But I'm just...curious about something. So, uh, a few weeks ago, Jake told me you and he, uh..."

The monitor's brow furrowed. "He just up and told you?"

"Well, I mean, I asked him...why he was walking so funny. I don't think he had a story or anything at the ready, so he just told me what happened."

"Oh. Well, I guess that's all right...was hoping it wasn't something he was bragging about or something...though, the way he was walking, I don't think he'd be bragging all that much. That didn't look comfortable at all."

"Yeah. But...I guess, I wanted to know, did it...change you? At all?"

Xander cocked his head. "Change me?"

"Yeah. I mean, the way you...the way you thought, or felt, or anything like that..."

"Wait. Are you asking me if I'm still asexual after having sex?" Xander chuckled a bit. "It doesn't work like that, man."

"Ah, sorry! I mean...I'm not...I don't want to be rude, it's just..."

"You're having trouble figuring it out? It's fine, I mean, that's far from the weirdest question I've ever had about this stuff." The reptile leaned back against the counter and sighed a bit. "Short answer is, yeah, I'm still asexual, and no, nothing really changed...well, I mean, a couple things did, I guess, but nothing really big."

Lyle wasn't sure what to make of that response. "Uh...what did change?"

"Well...I know what sex feels like, more or less. Didn't know that before." Xander shrugged a bit. "Look, I'm not gonna say it didn't feel good, overall...kinda had a thing going on that probably made it feel rougher than it would have, but I got the idea at least...but compared to the way I've heard people make it out? Overrated. Not one of those things I would be that distraught over if I never felt it again. It's not some magical experience like they say...it's just something that feels good."

"Huh...you hear everyone else talk about it like it's the best thing that ever was."

"I mean, that's probably because it's a natural urge. That's how the new generations are made, after all. So more importance is put on it, so people play it up...but when you take that away, it's not something I enjoyed more than a good meal, a rousing gaming match, or a nice gathering with close friends."

Lyle smiled a bit. "So today was better than sex?"

"Hn, by a mile," grinned Xander. "And I can't say it really altered the way I thought about anything...I'm not more attracted to anyone than before, and it didn't really change how I looked at Jake. And far as I can tell, it didn't change how he looked at me, either, which is a relief. I guess, the only thing that changed is that I've kinda realized...or I guess it's better to say I'm suspecting that I need to take care of that sort of thing before I get to that point..."

"Jake mentioned something like you don't get aroused...is that what happens when you do?"

"Sometimes. But now I think the reason is does is because I just...don't do anything when it happens the other times. Maybe it's my body saying 'hey, jerk, I don't care if you don't wanna bang anyone, but things are getting backed up in here.' I mean, I could be wrong, but I think the fact that I just...always ignore it might be why it gets that way. I don't know of anyone else who has that issue, even the couple other asexual people I've talked to online are more sexual than I am. And maybe they wouldn't get that way even if they weren't, maybe I'm just like one out of a hundred people that has it and I actually find out because the rest of them just never get to that point."

"I guess that could be the case...guess I wouldn't know myself..."

"Oh? So you're not the boner-free god you present as?"

Lyle felt his face redden. "Ah...well, I..."

"Don't worry, I already knew."

"Wh...you...you did?"

"Remember when we were camping? I was awake one night and I heard you getting out of your tent and heading away...I was a bit worried so I tried to follow you to make sure you were okay. Then I heard...well, just because I don't doesn't mean I don't know how it sounds when someone's, ah, enjoying themselves..."

"Oh, god..." The fox buried his head in his hands. And he'd tried to be so quiet every time he did that, too...

"I didn't stick around once I realized what was going on. And don't worry, I didn't tell anyone."

"Thanks..." Well, if anyone was going to find out, Xander was probably the best-case scenario. "Still...I can't believe I was that obvious..."

"I'm not gonna pry, I'm sure you have your reasons for thinking how you do. I don't think it's gonna be a huge scandal if a few people know that you're not totally anti-sexual, though, if that's what you're worried about."

"It's...complicated. I'd rather not go into it. I mean, you're...you're right, it's just...not all about that. But...well, I'm thinking I might try to change...that way of thinking a bit."

Xander nodded. "Take it at your own pace, bud. Don't feel like anyone has a right to hear more than you're ready to say. If you'd rather keep it down for a while longer, that's perfectly fine. You know I won't say anything."

Lyle nodded. "Thanks, Xan...I appreciate that."

"Not a problem. Anyway, I've had enough talk about that kind of smashing. You wanna get your face smashed in in Shock Beat again?"

"Hah, sure, now's probably the best time, we wait too long and they'll be done talking and then we'd have to get a crowbar to pry Gylles away. I don't think he ever gets tired of stomping Jake and Rowan."

"Could hardly blame him, sometimes a curb stomp feels good. But me, I think I prefer an even match..."

---

A few days later saw Jake and Lyle walking through the city, another somewhat brisk day having them cover up a bit as the cool air blew through the streets. It was early evening, the sky yellowing a bit but still bright enough outside. The two had had no destination, just the goal of getting out and getting some fresh air - something Lyle had been a bit more at ease with lately, and he didn't want to lose that feeling, so they made a point of doing that at least once a week in the past month or so. Jake was happy to indulge this and had no problem going out with Lyle to make sure the fox didn't have any issues.

?Today, though, Lyle seemed lost in thought. Jake had maybe wanted to talk about plans for the coming new year, whether he had to work on getting a new place, but he quickly shelved that as he noticed Lyle's somewhat distracted state and more nervous behavior. Not quite like him on these walks recently, but Jake knew better than to dig too deep - most likely the fox had had another nightmare, that tended to put him on edge, understandably. He made some attempts to converse more lightly, but Lyle wasn't the most responsive, and he decided maybe it was best to just let that go for now. It wasn't like they wouldn't have plenty of chances to talk later, anyway...

As they passed by a gas station convenience store, Lyle suddenly stopped. "Ah...Jake, uh, do you mind if I make a quick pit stop?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah, sure. You want me to come with you?"

Lyle turned away, ears flattening a bit. "N-no...I mean, I think I can, um, handle this myself..."

"Oh...uh, sorry, I, I wasn't trying to-"

"It's fine. I mean...aheh, I know how I've been...but...well, it's getting better lately, and, uh, it won't keep getting better unless I keep practicing, right?"

"True. Okay. I'll just wait out here, okay?"

"Yeah, thanks." Lyle headed inside, leaving Jake to stand out there, feeling a bit awkward and annoyed with himself. Lyle had just turned 27, he didn't need to be treated like a small child...he had his issues but he was still an adult, perfectly capable of doing things on his own. He needed to make sure he offered his help when the fox wanted or needed it, not when it wasn't welcome...he wasn't used to being in a position like this, usually he was the one needing help, so it was a learning experience.

Maybe it's just the mood...he has seemed a bit more jumpy than normal. Well, maybe this is why, he wanted to try something like this. It's a venture for him outside his comfort zone, I suppose that would make anyone a little more nervous-

A cry from not far away caught Jake's attention. It sounded like a scared yelp, coming from an alley about halfway down the block - and as Jake turned towards it, he could swear he saw a figure that was too familiar. His heart started to pound as he broke into a run, almost without thinking, tearing towards the alley in hopes that everything he was thinking and imagining was completely wrong.

Most of it wasn't.

As he skidded to a halt at the alley entrance, he could see two people there. One, an otter who was somewhat cornered by the other - a big, beefy bull with a pipe in one hand, advancing menacingly on the otter. "I told you not to make this difficult, bitch. All you had to do was bend over like a good slut...I don't think you want me to use this."

"Stop! G-get away! I t-told you...I didn't want to do anything with you!"

"The fuck you don't. Swaying that tail like a damn flag, all ready to hike it up for me, and don't act like you won't be singing my praises once I'm dicking you hard and fast, you little cockhound."

"Hey! Stop that!" It came out before Jake really had assessed whether it was a good idea, and then it was too late. Even from behind, there was no question, but if there had been any shadow of doubt, that was erased as the bull turned and Jake saw Jerome's furious gaze leveled at him. He swore he could HEAR that huge fist tighten on the pipe...and he was definitely not armed and not ready for a fight.

"YOU. Cockblocking me again, you little shit? You'd better shove off if you know what's good for you."

That was sounding like a very smart idea to Jake, but the sight of the terrified otter at the other end of the alley pulled him away from wisdom. He couldn't just leave them to be raped, he would never be able to forgive himself...but he also knew he had no chance against Jerome, he might have been able to impose enough on some aggressors but the bull knew him too well to ever be cowed by him. "He doesn't...look like he wants anything to do with you."

"The slut's just playing hard to get. And I'm getting tired of it. Much like I'm getting tired of YOU."

"You wouldn't have to put up with me at all if you didn't keep trying to rape people!"

"It's not fucking rape! He wants me bad! Maybe you'd understand if anyone wanted you, instead you fucking broke after you got rejected by that fox! I told you you should have let me take care of things, but you had to be a little bitch about it, and now you act like some high-and-mighty prissy shit like we can't even touch them! They're MADE for being fucked, you idiot! That's what they were put on this world for!"

Somehow, Jake got the impression that trying to argue the bull's deranged beliefs wouldn't be fruitful. But as Jerome was stepping towards him, he was leaving a bit more space...space that the otter was eyeing with faint hope through the terror. The wolf's idea was ill-formed, but it was all he had - distract Jerome enough to let the otter get away, then get the hell out of there. Jerome was big, but he wasn't faster than Jake was, if he could get inside somewhere maybe someone would be able to help defuse things. "Come on, man, listen to yourself! Do you know how crazy it is to act like certain phenos are just there for sex? It's like you don't even think they're people! There's more to life than just your next lay!"

"Of course you'd say that, since you can't get any! You're just a loser beta cuck who can't stand that other people are good at getting what they want when you're too much of a coward! Maybe if you manned up and forced that fox to take your dick, actually took control of things for once, you'd have some fucking pride!"

"You think I'm the one who's not in control? When you're the one who can't rein in his cock for five seconds to get consent?"

"THAT'S POWER, BITCH!" Jerome took another step towards Jake, and that was when the otter bolted, rushing for the created opening. The bull turned, realizing his quarry was escaping, and Jake lunged, grabbing and yanking the bull's tail and trying to grab and pull the arm that held the pipe. It threw Jerome off just enough to keep him from being able to swing at the otter, and the almost-victim was able to scamper away. Jake pushed himself back and quickly tried to steady himself to take off himself.

Not quickly enough. With an angry bellow, the bull swung for him instead, the pipe catching him in the gut. The wind was forcibly expelled from Jake as he staggered and fell back, clutching his stomach and wheezing in pain and breathlessness. Jerome tossed the pipe off to the side, stepping up to Jake with a glower that looked as malevolent as anything Jake had ever seen.

"Congrats, bitch. There's only one person left to fuck here, and I'm GONNA fuck."

Jake's eyes widened at the thinly-veiled threat, and he tried to get up to make some kind of movement away, only to yelp as Jerome kicked him hard in the thigh, sending a shooting pain through him that would no doubt make running that much harder even if he could. And he never got the chance, as the bull descended on him, shoving him over onto his front roughly as he worked the wolf's pants down.

"Maybe this is what you wanted all this time. Trying to cockblock me at every opportunity, refusing to get me laid with anyone else, hanging around with sluts...it all makes sense now, you're ONE of them. Thirsty for cock up your tailhole, acting all high and mighty as a way to beg to be filled by a real man."

"Nnn...not...don't..."

"Shut up. I don't give a shit." Jake's heart pounded against his chest as he heard a zip from behind him, and then felt...he winced at the sensation of that thick shaft rubbing malevolently against his rear. Jerome's had been the only of his friends who he'd seen at full mast before, after the bull got drunk as hell and started jerking himself at a party about five years back, and he knew it was a beast just like the bull himself. That thing could really hurt him, he knew...his only hope was something coming to stop Jerome, to keep him from doing exactly what he intended...

That hope was rapidly, brutally dashed, and an arrested yelp burst from him as his ass was invaded, that thick bullcock not offering any mercy as it plowed into him, his barely-removed-from-virgin tailhole spiking with intense pain that felt worse than any he'd ever known in his life. Tears welled in his eyes as he writhed under Jerome's grip, helpless to the huge male's unyielding strength.

---

Lyle was aware of none of this. He was in the convenience store bathroom, trying to settle his nerves as he worked up the stones to finally come out with what he wanted to say.

I'm going to do it. I'm going to ask him...to have sex with me.

So he was asserting, but his heart was threatening to undermine him with how it was racing. Lyle didn't think it would be that momentous...but, well, maybe it was, it was a radical shift in how he'd lived his life for so long. All this time he'd spend avoiding anything along those lines, waving the banner of refusal and rejection at any and every turn, and part of him was still locked in that phase. But another part of him was pushing back now.

It's not going to ruin me. It's not going to change me. It didn't change Xander...he was even less sexual than me, but having that...breaking through that barrier didn't warp him, didn't change who he was. Why would it do anything different to me?

His paranoia wasn't so easily convinced, of course, but he didn't expect it to be. To that part of him, the proof would be in the action and the result. And through it all, he wanted to try to keep that mindset the monitor had - it wasn't THAT big a deal. It wouldn't blow him away, it wouldn't trump every other pleasure he could imagine...heck, he had to imagine it would feel better than masturbation, but not THAT much better, an orgasm was an orgasm, right? This would just have a little more outside-his-own-brain activity.

Still, though, he wanted to not be tripping over his words when he actually proposed the idea to Jake...taking some time to psych himself up and settle himself down was a good idea. Hopefully Jake wouldn't worry about him, he just didn't want to take too long...

---

The only, extremely slim thing Jake could be even remotely thankful for was that it wasn't his first. Were it not for his impromptu romp with Xander the previous month, this would have been the first thing he'd ever felt up there...and the cruelty and malice that was being poured on him probably would have broken something fatally, as much due to his own ignorance and inexperience as anything.

It didn't feel like it was that far from it as it was. He was struggling to relax even a little bit, not as an invitation but in a desperate attempt at self-protection - clenching down would only make the thrusts more damaging and painful, and the agony was bad enough as it was. Even with what he was doing, there were spikes of pain he feared were much more serious wounds...he wasn't entirely sure the wetness he felt was just the awful leakage of that intruder inside him. The ache in the rest of him had paled in comparison, but his muscles had flagged, his struggles were getting weaker as the pain and taxing exertion overcame him.

"That's right, bitch, I knew you wanted it." And Jerome's harsh words weren't helping...it wasn't a matter of belief, Jake held no illusions about his place here, but it just reinforced the feeling of helplessness and violation, the cruelty that he couldn't do anything about, that he was being abused and there wasn't any salvation coming. "Bet this ain't even the first you've taken, wonder how much you've slutted yourself out before now. None of 'em'll compare to mine, though, you should thank me for being so willing to fuck you after all you've done to me."

Jake didn't respond, couldn't respond, wouldn't have even if he could, there was no point. His jaw clenched tight, tears flowing, he just wished for it to end, that the bull would just get what he came for and be done with it, leave him there in his awful state, bruised and degraded but alive...it was too much, the pain was too strong, how could someone handle something like this? This was torture, raw and visceral...had he done this to anyone else? Was this karma returning for him? Had he deserved this for his actions? Not like this, never like this, but if it had been even remotely unwanted...

A loud bellow echoed through the alley, and Jake yelped again as one hard thrust drove into his body, and he felt the first release of that slimy seed leech into his guts. In terms of raw sensation it couldn't have been that different from Xander's, yet it felt utterly unique, disgustingly unwanted and unwelcome, ugly and almost toxic, a stain deep within him that intended to cling and stick with him no matter how unwanted it was. And there was so much of it, seeping inside, around, even out, leaking down his taint onto his fur, a mess that felt unwashable, like nothing could get rid of that feeling. The only upside was that the lack of thrusting tempered the pain just a little, his entire lower torso was still throbbing in agony but at least not as sharply. Maybe the ordeal was finally over...

And then Jerome growled, and Jake yipped again as he felt a huge hand manhandle his gonads. "What the fuck? Why aren't you hard, slut?"

Oh, no... The last thing Jake wanted was Jerome pissed at him now. The prideful bull always boasted about a few things - his size, his stamina, and his ability to get people off hands-free. So much so that he was offended if someone DIDN'T cum from just his cock. The pain had been so intense that Jake hadn't been able to get any pleasure out of it, even the natural response had been suppressed...something that Jerome would only take as a personal slight. Or a reason to continue.

Indeed, both seemed to be true, as Jake was giving a momentary respite from the bull's dick, only to be roughly flipped over, his pants ripped the rest of the way off, and rapidly re-entered to his horrible despair. Another cry of pain, cut off when he felt a hand pressed around his throat.

"I don't wanna fucking hear your whining, bitch! You want to breathe again? Then you'd better fuckin' cum like a good slut!" Jerome was driving in savagely once again, maybe even harder than before, and now the pain was compounded with Jake's brain protesting its need for oxygen, the wolf desperately clawing at the bull's arm to try to release its grip even a little, without any success.

It spiraled down, out of control. Tears poured freely as he choked, the crushing pressure another torment on top of torment, his brain starting to misfire...all he could feel was pain and the pounding of his heart, too fast, unable to calm himself, rapidly expending the oxygen he had. Jerome was still yelling at him, but he wasn't able to make sense of it anymore, his vision was blurring and graying, his movements getting more feeble as his body started to shut down, unable to give the bull what he demanded. He'd thought it would be more terror as the end came, but exhaustion was robbing him of that, it was like everything was fading so far, numbing him to his fate...

And then, all of a sudden, just before everything went dark, he heard a loud, metallic ringing sound...one that echoed through his ears as the pressure eased around his throat, and the thrusts abruptly stopped. Another one of those rings, and suddenly that cock was jerked from him, almost all the way, another pain but one that eased the rest of him. Through blurry eyes, he thought he saw someone familiar...but he didn't have time to think on it before darkness claimed him.

---

How quickly everything changed.

Lyle had finally walked out of the store, more or less ready to make the pronouncement to Jake...and the wolf wasn't there. And he didn't know why...Jake didn't have the habit of running off without warning. But then he'd heard the shouting...the horrible, monstrous shouting that had him in a panic in record time. And he didn't know why, but he ran TO it, not away from it as a rational person should have. He just had a FEELING.

The scene that met him...it was right out of those nightmares, those flashbacks. He hadn't seen what was going on, but he'd heard it, he'd smelled it...and they were filling his ears and nose again as he saw what was happening, saw the bull plowing into Jake harshly, ruthlessly, violently...using him, assaulting him to his very core. Just like the nightmares, just like the horrible reality of before, with nothing stopping him from seeing it in all its ghastly brutality.

The cold seized him, crawled up through his spine and radiated through his body. Lyle could feel his stomach churning, wanting to vomit, finding nothing to expel...his heart slamming against his rib cage, even faster than before, threatening to blow a gasket...his mind spinning, thrashed by the flashbacks and the terror, the fears that he'd carried with him for most of his young life blinding him as his hope was once more savaged in front of him. No...no...no...

And then, through the dizzying haze, he saw the pipe.

It was a moment when everything seemed to freeze in place. All sound going silent, all scent fading into nothing. Like a snapshot in a postcard, a paused movie, a still-life painting hung on the wall, capturing not just the vision but the soul. Lyle felt a shudder, then a strange numbing...the overwhelming terror still roaring inside him, but pressed down by something, he didn't know what. And in that fleeting moment, cleared of everything, suddenly, he understood.

He had never been in control. Never. Everything before, everything he thought he'd done of his own mind, everything he believed to be nothing more than his personal security taken to all the necessary extremes...it had never been him. It had been the terror, the guilt, the pervasive paranoia that ruled over him, dictated his every move, forced him into the tiny box he had lived in for so long. Denying him anything that would make his life worth living, feeding only themselves at the expense of his soul. He had been the very empty creature he had sought for so long to avoid becoming, a miserable little bit of nothing wrapped in his speck of space, existing but not LIVING. And now, when he for once in his life sought to wrest a speck of that control back, to choose to live...the world sought to tear him back down, ruin what had brought him hope, to truly and completely destroy him.

No.

A new emotion. Anger. Not the fear-driven thing that once made him lash out at anyone who looked at him the wrong way, but true anger, fiery and burning, pushing aside the clawing cold. Like an engine, driving him, another force acting through him, but one that was borne of HIM, the buried feelings that he had denied in the name of the fear that ruled him. He took a step, then another, his eyes fixated on the weapon laying silently on the asphalt, almost calling to him. It felt like both an age and an instant, and he was there, dropping down to grasp the iron, to feel its cold, resolute surface beneath his paws.

It felt like power. Like more power than he'd ever possessed in his entire life. And he could swear it was giving him permission to borrow it.

He turned. He saw the bull. The bull he had never seen, had no idea was linked to Jake in any way, not that it mattered, because it wasn't the person he saw, it was the world. The emblem of everything that conspired to torment him and to break him, the evil men that had ruined his family, the sadistic people that leered at him and demanded his body like they owned it, the arrogant and hateful attitudes that had for so long made him feel helpless, the shadowy monsters intent on robbing him of any future.

He lifted the pipe high, its weight heavy in his hands and yet utterly inconsequential. Blood pounding in his head as he reared back, and swung down...swung at the bull, swung at the memories, the demons, his own fear and guilt, at all that ever had and ever would try to seize control over him...and for the first time lashing back.

No.

The sound of the pipe connecting against the bull's skull, right between the horns that could have guarded him even a little, was one that would ring in his ears for a long time...the vibrant, echoing ping, that dull thud, that violent arrested gasp as the bull seized up, it broke through the haze of the memories, sent him cascading back into the present in a rush. The figure swayed in front of him...suddenly everything rushed back into real time, but he didn't give the bull a chance to potentially shake it off, with another quick motion he swung, like a bat, and connected with another thud against the bull's temple, just under the horn, and sent him crashing down onto the ground, almost fully wrenching his foul staff from Jake.

Another clang, this time metal against pavement as the pipe slipped from Lyle's hands. Almost in a trance, he stumbled over to Jake, carefully removing him from the last of the bull's cock, shivering and holding him as the wolf sank into unconsciousness. The last thing he remembered clearly before everything sank into a haze was the crescendoing wail of a siren, summoned from the unknown to lay it all finally to rest.