Cheers, I'm out.
Find me on the hub. (^o=o^)~>
To those that pay attention to the journals I post almost manically, a few were axed, I dropped a name or two and while I'm not above telling someone to fuck off publicly that shits between me and them, the fights still here if either of you cowards want to pick it. That last little meltdown was around two friendships I'd made through here that had soured from mutual actions on both ends, it took until this year for me to realize how heavily they weighed on me, so I got loaded and took care of it. Well, one really the other was already fake as fuck so no skin off my nose, wish I'd stuck to my guns and got a refund though, oh well.
And you know what? It didn't take long at all to start feeling like my old self, a much more articulated and well-rounded bottle of piss and vinegar handed back to me. Not only that but it damn near felt like a reward from karma herself, going out with the boys on St Patties snagged me a bar full of new friends, mechanics, pornstars, and friends+ alike, particularly a female rabbit who compliments the hubby quite well.
I swore to myself a very long time ago that I'd never fuck with pills again but through sheer luck and since I've self-medicated for years for depression, I was offered some pretty standard uppers on st. Patrick's day, they felt great so I bought a few extra and what do you know? I feel fucking 20 again, that fight and fuck everyone male drive is back, more importantly, it clued me in on, in hindsight, the very obvious fact that I should be on antidepressants. As of this shit-posting, I have my 1sttherapy session scheduled to hopefully get me on something legal and mend some mental scars.
As for why I'm chasing creating or why I was, it's one of the same reasons I ever really do anything long-term that involves bettering myself with a skill, ass, love, or spite. I picked myself up, put shit together, working to build a castle for the queen I wanted, as usual, it wasn't worth it and everything tumbled down gloriously in flames to ash and cinder. I cherish the freedom and friendships it made me realize I had taken for granted. So let's see, adding the tally of everything I've picked up over the years all for a shiny pair of tits is as follows: Bass guitar, writing, a better job, MMA, bondage, foam shaping(floral fursuit arrangement), sketching, songwriting, singing, college, reading, a few black eyes, mild moderation, piercing, welding, metalwork. Man, imagine where I'd be if I had just lived for myself.
LJ's death and the ripples from it are still very much being felt, through friends and family, it pains me to see them hurt, to see them dig through his belongings and journals only to find out they didn't know how afflicted this young man that always smiled or always did his best to help you was. I still don't know what to say, guy was too good to be taken so soon. I'm not a theist but fuck me running if I don't hope he's somewhere a good soul like his deserves to be.
While I may regret the way things sunk, I don't disavow the outcome, at all. I will always maintain 2 middle fingers held high and a pair of clenched fists if it ever needs to go passed that but to the twilight fan-fiction author, and the cookie-cutter ripoff artist. Fuck you both for eternity, may karma be kinder to you than I ever will be, was really wanting to be more mature about my last words to you both with some semblance of mutual respect but I just cannot. For THAT, I'm sorry.
To the people that actually did enjoy the little I put out, I'm sorry I've been fake with you, I need to create what I want to, not just something I think will make me look good for a bitch I've got eyes on. I am fully aware I haven't always come off the greatest in text journals, especially when they're essentially drunken, ragey texts, please forgive me for that. I'm a troubled man handling a lot trying to do even more without professional help, and if/when I come back, I will do better.
This is a little disjointed but covers all my thoughts as of late, I'm super excited to see how much I can do with this new world view, the kind of life I can build, and just how closely I can get my ideal life to come to fruition, at this point I'm sure I can make everything I want a reality.
Until sometime in the future my little kobolds,
Cheers, and be Good.
" No clue about my future but all I have is what's in-front of me."
" I'm not motivated, I'm fucking driven."
"Fuck people."
Ezekiel Sickly Draguhn