Five Little Problems
Won't listen to any advice
Mamma's telling me to think twice
But left to my own devices
I'm addicted its a crisis!
-Ke$ha "Your Love is My Drug"
>C-BOOBS
"So when did you move?" said Eric, looking around at his friend's apartment.
"I didn't." The okapi dealing cards across the table smiled at him.
The Labrador gave a confused smile. "Stop playin', man. None of your wife's stuff out here or in the kitchen or bathroom. Last time I checked, you lived in a nice split-level with enough room for you, your wife, and 1.8 kids. You two--" he coughed "--having problems?"
"No, we're good."
The Lab picked up his hand. "So what's the problem? Most guys don't move out of their own house-"
The okapi took a sip from his glass of Long Island Iced Tea. "She's having her period."
"-Not even for that."
"You know how she has an extra...girl-hole in each of her breasts?"
"They're called vaginas, and I believe you bragged about it when you started dating. What, did she start peeing out of 'em too?"
"Uh, no. She's having multiple periods."
His friend winced. "Ouch."
"It could be worse. She's on one of those pills that reduces it to once a year."
"So when do you get to go home?"
"In about three weeks."
"Wait, if she only has one-"
"She has three, remember?"
"So?"
"It's three times as bad."
"What, did you chain her down before you left?"
"No. But we considered it."
>GOO
(The following is a transcript of Text Messages exchanged between Mark Dross and Jane Swiddon on the afternoon of Saturday, August 19th.)
JANE: Need pickup
MARK: Where are you?
JANE: Bathroom near fountain at park
MARK: Weren't you on a date
JANE: I was
JANE: Lasted five minutes
MARK: What happened?
JANE: It's 100 out
JANE: I am made of goo
JANE: Do the math
MARK: Are you okay
JANE: Stuck in a toilet
MARK: Lol
JANE: Bite me
JANE: Bring a bucket
JANE: And a sieve
MARK: :(
>TENTACLES
"I was on the train," said the mouse.
"Go on," said Dr, Wyle, examining each segment of the tentacle that emerged from his patient's back. There were three others, but those seemed to be fine.
"Well, there wasn't much room, so I had the boys pulled up and hidden."
The fox frowned. "The boys?"
"Well, my boobs are the girls, so..." She grinned.
Wyle grinned back. She had a cute smile.
"Anyway, the trouble was when I got off. I lost concentration, and Moe slipped out-"
"You named your tentacles?
"They're semi-sentient. If I just go 'hey, tentacle!' they get confused."
"What happened after 'Moe' got loose?"
"Well, he was behind me, and there was so much noise at my stop that I didn't hear the train doors closing--"
>CONTAGIOUS HERMAPHRODITISM
"You're sorry?" said the janitor. Well, janitress. Well, a little bit of both, right now.
"Yes!" said the hermaphrodite lion standing on the other side of the bathroom.
"I come in to wipe up, and I figure some pervert snuck in and juked all over the walls. I barely touch the stuff before everything goes fuzzy, and next thing I know, I look like this, my clothes are in shreds, and there's a lot more of the white stuff around. Care to explain?"
The lion took a deep breath. "I stayed late to finish up some budgets. I was feeling stressed afterward, so I snuck into the bathroom to, y'know, have a little fun."
"I want you to skip to the part where I end up like a Filipino hooker," growled the ferret.
The lion looked confused. "What?"
"The Philippines? Sex workers there have a higher than normal chance of being trannys, pre-op, no-op, or just plain ol' hermaphrodites?"
"I'm sorry, I don't-"
"Nevermind. Just keep going."
"Look, I wiped myself down, but I ran out of toilet paper to clean this mess up-"
"So you just stepped out for a minute, to get to the cleaning supplies closet around the corner. And then I come in, and start to mop up, and end up making two new friends here." He jiggled his breasts. "Three, if you count the place down below. Sweet Saiva, it's bad enough with just my wife on her period, much less both of us."
"I'm really sorry."
"Funny; no matter how much you apologize, I'm still a hermaphrodite! Didn't you know you were contagious?"
"Yes! That's why I wanted to clean up! That's why I-" She made a gesture.
"So you've never had sex?"
"Not since I, um, changed. There's this law about, um, intersex individuals who are, um, contagious-"
"Does it say you can't choke the monkey in bathrooms?"
"No, but I have to clean up afterwards-did I say I was sorry?"
"Many times."
"Why weren't you wearing gloves?"
"Because Accounting took the disposables out of the budget."
The lion winced as the ferret continued. "We're supposed to use yellow latex, but mine ripped a week ago, and I thought 'what the hey, it's not like I'll find something dangerous in an office building!' Well, hardy har har, Murphy, looks like you were right!"
"Aren't you named Arthur Trenton?"
"Art. Murphy as in Murphy's Law. Speaking of higher forces, I gotta go report this to my boss--"
"Please don't tell anyone! I could lose my job!"
"I already lost my masculinity!" He coughed. "Well, most of it."
"There are ways to change back, you know."
"And they're expensive. You're gonna have to get creative with your accounting, missy. I'm talking Madoff-level, here. I think I have something over the brass so they'll look the other way. I know I've certainly caught them giving enough after-hours 'performance reviews'."
"See! It'll all be okay."
"Speak for yourself. I have to explain this to my wife." The ferret grumbled. Suddenly, he brightened up. "Hey! I wonder if I qualify for maternity leave?"
>COCK TONGUE
"What happened to your friend?" Dr. Wyle asked of the handful of burly men in the waiting room. "The paramedics said he was in a bar fight, but I know he wouldn't go down from a single shot."
"How do you-" said a rhino.
"His file says he used to be a boxer. Harry 'Iron Jaw' Philips." The doctor's red tail twitched in irritation. "So what happened?"
"Is he gonna be okay?" asked a wildcat.
"He's catatonic." Replied the fox. "And for the third time, what happened?"
"Well, after his knee gave out, he got out of boxing and into construction. There was a job a while back; some crazy scientist buried his waste, and we were excavating the place to build a hotel, and, well, Harry's mouth, um..."
"A phalli-lingua mutation," Wyle snapped. "I know all that; it's in his medical file. What does that have to do with a bar fight?"
"We're getting to that."
"Please, get."
"His girlfriends say they really like it."
Wyle closed his eyes for a few seconds. "Thank you so very much for that image."
A bear took up the story. "After work today, we went down to O'Hoolihan's."
"On Fifth, I believe. The watering hole of the blue-collar worker."
"Are you mocking us, mister?"
"No. Then what happened?"
"He was getting some beers from the bar, and he knocked over another guy's drink. He said he'd pay for it and buy him a new one, but this guy, he was hammered. He recognized Harry, I guess he wanted to see if old 'Iron Jaw' still had it."
"And?"
"So the drunk punched him in the mouth-"
"Don't tell me-"
"And made Harry bite his tongue-"
ENDF
Five Little Problems
by Eulalie "Nequ" Quentin
2010 Creative Commons By-SA-NC