FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

[INITIATE_RECORD]

-- JULY 26th--

Dearest diary,

This is fucking lame.

I don't get why you need this all written down. A "journal" is just a diary without rainbows and unicorns on the front. And I'm not some tween girl crushing on her classmate, y'know. I'm 21, out of college, and on the verge of bankruptcy. Also, happily a dude!

Ok, long story short, my parents wouldn't pay for shit when I turned 18, so I had to take out some big loans for school. And BOY, did I pick the wrong bank to fuck with! Were they even really a bank?

Anyway, I'm a master of signing contracts I don't read all the way through, so here I am...part of a clinical trial that'll pay off EVERYTHING once it's over. Thank God. All I have to do is try out this hand lotion. Easiest hundreds of thousands I ever made.

There's your first entry. Happy?

-- JULY 28th--

I was told to be more descriptive. Your "attending researcher" called and stressed, heavily, that I try to be as "illustrative" as possible. Whatever that means. Do I look like a novelist? I went to school for programming, which is a surprisingly competitive job market based on my unemployment status.

­­­Okay, description dump time. My name's Wes, I'm 5' 11, hazel eyes, I like long walks on the beach, roller coasters, and I'm hopelessly hopelessly single. Hmu? (This definitely isn't copied from my Tinder profile, or at least what I remember from it. I'd write it verbatim, but there's absolutely zero service out here. 5G coverage, my ass).

I'm alone in this small shack of a house in the middle of bumblefuck nowhere, no neighbors or 7-Elevens to loiter in. Weird setup for a product test, but I'm not getting paid to ask questions. Sounds like L'Oreal is sending spies to steal your secret formula? I guess the hand-lotion market is also very competitive.

My only connection to the land of the living is a corded phone ripped straight out of the 80's. Maybe you guys should update your tech. There's not even any buttons on it, or one of those old dial things. Not that I have anyone's number memorized, but apparently any emergencies, God forbid, have to go through your office? Seriously? My worst fear is that I'll start a kitchen fire trying to make dinner then play a game of telephone just to get the fire department out here. Tiny house in tiny flames!

Hey, that was pretty illustrative!

God, I'd probably start talking to myself like a psycho if I wasn't writing this all down. Guess the journal isn't totally stupid.

Anyway, also in my humble shack is an old couch facing the wall, which is kinda pointless since there's no TV mounted, and the landline is sitting in the middle of a round kitchen table. No dining room, just a counter along the wall with the usual appliances. The fridge will be restocked every weekend. Guess I don't have much say in the lunch menu.

My overly firm bed's in the corner, across from a set of drawers and an expectedly small bathroom. There's one window, and the view sucks. That's the whole deal. Home sweet home. Not sure why I'm describing your own building to you, though I guess it's good writing practice. You wanted details, right?

I thought you'd have better housing with how much I'm getting paid, but hey, more money in my pocket. Honestly, it's about as good as what I'm renting back in the city, probably fewer roaches too. My only real complaint is the lack of a laundry machine. Do I seriously have to hand wash everything? Lame. Maybe I'll just go nude the whole time!

Joking. Mostly.

Yes, I applied more of the lotion. No, I won't forget again. Once a day, I get it. For the record, it must be working. The dry patches around my elbows are basically nonexistent now.

-- JULY 30th--

Maybe this lotion's got some special properties to it. Seriously, it's only been a few days, but my skin hasn't felt this smooth since I was in diapers. Throw a FAST ACTING stamp on the label. Also, add a CAUTION sticker. I rubbed it on my feet and legs today before I nearly slid into the wall. This shit needs to dry before you start running around barefoot. Yes, I was literally jogging around the room, but still.

Don't mind the doodles in the margins, I just get bored.

[Drawing of a small dog. "Shelby" written next to the drawing]

-- JULY 31st--

Nothing to report, but I did feel kinda lethargic today. Maybe that is worth reporting? I've been eating and sleeping on schedule. These easy-bake meals are supposed to have vitamins, right? Because if you're just gonna feed me slop, at least buy me a Big Mac.

I tried doing some laps around the room to wake up, but after 5 minutes, I felt drained and really worked up a sweat. Like a lot of sweat. More than usual. Hopefully, I feel better in the morning. I literally can't afford to cancel this thing because I got the flu or something.

-- AUGUST 1st--

There's something fucking wrong here. This is literally impossible. Did you guys put glue in this shit? WHAT THE FUCK?

I woke up on the ceiling!

That's not a metaphor or some 70s acid rock reference...I was literally hanging from the ceiling by my hands and feet. When I finally peeled myself off the wall, and nearly fell on my face, it was almost like pulling strips of scotch tape off my fingers. They were all swollen like grapes. And the shine of sweat...I think it was sweat...reflected off my palms. Nasty! God, it's too early for this shit.

After a long shower, I placed an emergency call, which immediately turned into an emergency voicemail. Thanks a lot guys. Fast forward to now, I'm writing this down to prove I'm not crazy. Or maybe to stop myself from going crazy? I don't know. Everything seems back to normal. I wasn't dreaming, I know that much. I've had the Spider-Man dream before, and this ain't it. Fucking fix this before I scale the Avengers Tower.

[Drawing of Spider-Man's mask]

-- AUGUST 3rd--

Hey assholes, pick up the damn phone? I'm starting to feel weird. NOT sick, but something's off. And turn the heat up. It's freezing in here!

-- AUGUST 5th--

Thanks for returning my call, assholes. Finally.

Good news...there's literally nothing in the lotion that can kill me, apparently, and none of the other trials showed any negative effects.

Bad news...there's also no explaining why my body's reacting this way. It's a side effect, like wall-crawling is on the same level as a rash or some shit. Someone's coming in-person to run tests, but they'll be in fucking hazmat suits because this condition might be "contagious." Fuck me.

All that said...

Great news! There's a bonus included in my check now due to "unforeseen circumstances." Looks like I'll have some money to burn after paying off everything. Ferrari World, here I come!

[Drawing of $$$]

-- AUGUST 6th --

I just walked from Michigan to Cincinnati and boy, are my feet tired. Ba dum tiss.

Hey, gotta cheer myself up somehow.

All jokes aside, my right leg is killing me, especially my foot. Good thing this place is small, since it's hard to even walk right now. There's a constant cramp in my sole I can't work out. And the whole bottom is definitely at least a little swollen, along with the tips of my toes. Round like grapes again. They're even kinda squishy, more than the normal amount, and I found myself poking at them out of curiosity and boredom. It's like I stepped barefoot into a bucket of peanut butter. If I was allergic to peanuts. Is that how it works?

[Drawing of a large footprint. "Bigfoot" written next to the drawing]

-- AUGUST 7 th --

Well, the cramp in foot is gone. It left to make room for the AGONIZING PAIN that struck me in the middle of the night!

I woke up drenched in sweat after a dream of climbing a fucking tree. Spider-Man style! At least I wasn't literally stuck to a wall this time. I got up for some water, but when I slid out of bed and tried to stand up, it felt like my foot was on fire! I couldn't stay on my feet for a second, so I flopped back down onto the mattress and pulled my leg up onto the bed.

The light switch is across the room, so I grabbed my phone and flipped on the flashlight, which is all the brick's good for nowadays. I aimed the beam down at my leg and holy...shit. My toenails had fucking vanished, not even the nail bed left or any proof they existed at all. Did the nail fairy just swoop in and poof them away?

There was no time to search the bed, as if they could've just fallen off in the middle of the night. The pain was getting worse. I even tried digging my thumb into my sole to work out the kink. No luck. In fact, it was spreading into my heel and my very-grape-like toes. The cramp somehow moved deeper. Then, something cracked.

It sounded like a branch breaking beneath a tire. The bones snapping in my foot, that is. And it honestly felt that way too, if the branch under the tire was literally just my foot. No shame, I screamed like a bitch and squeezed my ankle to try and cut off the feeling. But the crackling continued, and suddenly I couldn't believe what I was seeing.

It was like watching an old werewolf movie with shit lighting. There in my lap, my foot grew inch by inch, the arch stretching slowly like taffy on a machine. It didn't get much wider, so the proportions looked all wrong. Like that wasn't enough, the pain flared at the front of my foot. I sat and watched was each of my toes grew absurdly long, reaching out like gangly talons minus the claws. The tips swelled even more into bulbous orbs. Bigger than grapes now. They twitched and curled without my consent, like the nerves were relearning to fire properly. Speaking of fire...

It really burned when my toes splayed out wide with a sudden CRUNCH. The shock overwhelmed me, and I dropped my phone on the floor. It fell out of reach, and I was too scared to touch the ground with this mutant thing on my leg. It'd probably just send more pain shooting through me, and I could still see the outline of my leg in the light.

My foot was all stretched out and slimmed down, the curve of my insole barely recognizable. It looked like a whole other part of my leg. Like a fucking animal. Every toe was exponentially longer than before, longer than my fingers even. They inflated to about the same size, so no more "big toe". At least they all bent the same as before, but I couldn't bring them any closer together. The new giant gaps between them really didn't want to close.

Despite the disgusting changes, it still felt like my foot, firmly attached at the end of my leg. It moved when I wanted it to, at least. But in the dim light of the room, this thing was indistinguishable from a reptile's paw. Dangling there at the end of my leg.

What. The. Fuck.

-- AUGUST 10th--

Sorry for the late entry. Got depressed as fuck. Anyway...

THIS JUST IN - I might somehow be part GECKO now, for fuck's sake. That's what the hazmat-suit testing-lady said after I showed her my leg and joked about turning into a frog prince.

She refused to kiss me.

Despite shooting me down, she took hold of my fucked up foot and gave me a deep massage. It might have been sexy if she wasn't so rough about it. Apparently, the structure and "secretions" reminded her more of a gecko than a frog. Thus, my flirtatious joke fell flat, as flat as my arch now, which she says has all but vanished.

After Miss Hazmat left, I conducted my own scientific test and carefully prodded at my deformed limb with a fork. That got me nowhere, so I broke down and examined it with my bare hands. Turns out it was no different than grabbing my other foot. It was slimier, sure, but it still felt like my skin. No rough scales...yet. Do geckos have scales? Whatever. I barely paid attention in bio, but I sure as sweet hell know this isn't normal. You guys can fix this right, with your millions of dollars in research money? Or do I have to start selling car insurance?

Fuck me.

Well, I literally have no choice but to live with this for now. I'm not leaving till that check's in my hands. I might be screaming on the inside, but scribbling ARGHGHHHGHGH down the page wouldn't be very "descriptive". And taking notes might help find a cure faster, anyway.

I'm managing, somehow. It was a little clumsy to walk with at first, but at least I can move around the house now without throbbing pain or tripping over my own weird foot. Except, it was even harder to pull it off the wall when I inevitably started sleep-climbing again.

Also, enjoy this mental picture -- I'm leaving wet footprints wherever I walk now, even with my normal leg. It's like I'm being haunted by the world's soggiest ghost. Kinda gagged at the thought. Send more paper towels.

[Drawing of a ghost with a puddle underneath]

-- AUGUST 11th --

Just spit-balling here: Is it really the lotion that caused this? Or was I cursed beforehand? Did I cut off a wizard on the freeway? Maybe I was always secretly a gecko? Or is this a Spider-Man thing, after all? I'm The Lizard! My half-asleep brainstorming was rudely interrupted by a familiar pain.

So, my other foot transformed. Same deal as last time, so I'll spare you the details. I shot up in bed. It fucking hurt. And now I can't wear shoes. Cool. Guess it's time to buy a beach house.

[Drawing of the sun wearing sunglasses]

-- AUGUST 16th--

Honestly, the only thing more frustrating than the literal breaking of my bones is my recent lack of sleep. I. Can't. Sleep. Not a full night's rest without waking up in the middle of the night, latched onto the ceiling or stretched out in a puddle. One night, I even somehow made it to the bathroom and woke up in the tub. If the physical pain doesn't kill me, the exhaustion has second dibs. Maybe I should end things here while my thumbs are still opposable? Or maybe just put my head in the oven?

Wow, that's dark. I should scribble that out then.

-- AUGUST 18th --

Tail. That is all.

-- August 21st--

Ok, to be more SPECIFIC, there was a sharp crack in my lower back that made me squeal like a pig and drop my burrito. RIP my poor, sweet burrito. I grabbed onto the kitchen table and tried to stretch out my aching spine. My tailbone felt bruised, like I somehow bent it wrong. Backwards, even. But I went to rub it, and lo and behold there was a Goddamn bump sticking out above my ass. My blood went cold. Figuratively, I hope.

I tried to ignore it at first. It was just like an inch long, could just be a bee sting. But the next day it grew, and yesterday it grew some more. Now it looks like a third leg, and not the kind guys usually want to have. The waistband of my shorts is pulled down because this thing's tender like a newborn and just touching it just sends a pain up my spine. I've been sleeping on my stomach as of late.

"Sleeping." Ha. Ha.

-- AUGUST 24th--

This stupid tail is the length of my torso. And the "wagging muscles" - their science-y name be damned--aren't under control yet. Sometimes it just whips around like a dragon in a China shop, somehow smacking against the very few pieces of furniture in here. Yeah, feels bad slamming against the hard wood table, man.

-- AUGUST 30th--

Good news -- No changes in a few days. Also, my tail has chilled the fuck out. I'm enjoying the vacation from transformation town. Hopefully it's a permanent one. I'd kick my feet up if I could stand looking at them.

-- AUGUST 31st--

Nope, short lived break. My crotch is on fire.

Jesus H. Christ, is this what herpes feels like? Because maybe I just have herpes from the HUNDREDS of hotties I've definitely slept with over the last month.

Wishful thinking, I guess.

I'm naked for the day since my boxers are rubbing me wrong. Once in a while, I look down and see it's getting worse. My pubes fell out like the rest of my meager body hair, and the whole damn area looks waxed. Burns like it too. The worst is right where my dick meets my crotch, which is flushed like a boiled crab.

It's gotten so bad that I'm actually stuck in sit-down-to-pee mode. Just touching my shaft stings like all hell, which checks out because it looks inflamed too, definitely pinker than normal. I don't know what it's planning on doing, but I hope it, y'know, stays attached? That'd probably the worst thing to happen, if it just falls off like snake skin.

Oh God, imagine if I WAS becoming a snake?! No arm, no legs, no way to open doors. I'd be fucked.

-- SEPTEMBER 1st--

Y'know what? I remembered that video of a snake opening a door. It just wriggled on up to the knob and turned it like a giant, slithery hand. Then it went on its way, probably to inhale some poor rodent. Nature sure is metal.

Anyway, my dick looks fucking reptilian. Flatter on the sides, more pointed at the tip, and so fucking red. Like fire truck red. Ok, I guess this is what a gecko's junk would look like? Not like I ever Googled lizard dicks in my free time. Even if I had service here, I don't think I'd want to compare.

At least it didn't transform right in front of me. I woke up to my mutated morning wood since I can't sleep with a blanket on, still too irritating for my very busy business. Honestly, I thought I was still asleep, praying I was, but when I rubbed my eyes, it was clear as day. And I was THIS close to barfing.

The last thing a dude wants to see is his junk messed up, so this is really hard for me. Still, I had to see what the fuck was happening. On top of the obvious changes, there was a decent amount of wet stuff stuck to it. I thought I had a random wet dream and forgot, which would suck because they used to be a good time in my teen years. But when I leaned in to check...

Yeah, it was just more mucus. Even my dick was secreting mucus. Y'know, like the goo coming out of my feet and now the rest of my body? Like the puddles I keep waking up in and tracking around the house? I gave up calling it sweat. It's gotten too thick to be sweat. All because I'm turning into a human-sized gecko freak.

I'm a Goddamn slime factory.

-- SEPTEMBER 2nd--

Forget the slime, I'm literally trying not to drool on the paper right now. Just ignore the stains, alright?

I just wanted to do some pushups since I can't jog around anymore and really don't want to become a FAT gecko. Not that I was going to be on any magazine covers before this, but hey, whatever gets me a girlfriend. Anyway, halfway through the first set, I had to switch over to "girl pushups" because my stupid slimy feet kept sliding out from under me. I know that's probably not a PC term now, but is there even another name for them?

Then after a few more reps, something weird started to happen. My tongue was slipping out of my mouth every time I'd go down. I thought I was just tired at first, so I tried to ignore it and focus on my form. But by the fifth time I licked the floor, I finally gave up and took a water break.

That was a mistake. After just one sip, my tongue started to burn like I sucked up a whole jar of chili peppers. I did a complete spit-take, B-movie comedy style. No matter how much water I drank, the heat wouldn't stop. It only got worse! Did freaking acid lead into the pipes or something? Just touching the roof of my mouth was torture, so I let it roll out past my lips like a dog panting. Do geckos pant? Am I gonna have to get used to that?

After a minute, the stinging was paired up with that uncomfortable swelling that had invaded my soles and toes last month. You never forget that feeling...too weird. I actually prayed that this was just some previously unknown food allergy, like a nasty reaction to that weird protein casserole I had for lunch. Unfortunately, I knew better.

It was hard to see at first, but my tongue was getting longer and thicker. Soon, there was way more of it in my field of view than there should have been. The tip was practically staring back at me. I desperately reeled it back in and tried clenching my jaw shut, as if that'd somehow stop my tongue from growing. But a second later, I was gagging on the damn thing! I coughed it out and just let it swing down past my chin. Yes, it stretches out that far now, and I hate it.

This is the first time something changed in the daytime. Are things speeding up? Maybe working out triggered it. God, I can't fucking do anything around here! Hopefully geckos burn a lot of calories.

I was stuck drooling like a baby for a hot minute before I figured how to fit the whole thing in my mouth again without suffocating. Another puddle on the floor for me to wipe up. Eventually. Now my words sound half-mumbled and drunk, but at least I don't have to talk to anybody here. You guys haven't called recently, and I'm not complaining. Our conversations haven't gotten me any closer to a CURE. Hint hint.

With no one around, I almost want to let my tongue hang out once in a while to relive the discomfort in my mouth, but God knows what will happen if I do. I really don't want to start catching flies out of the air.

-- SEPTEMBER 3rd--

I licked my eye. I fucking licked my own eye! There I was, just making a sandwich with that "bologna" you guys keep sending me, when my eye started itching. Before I could even reach up to scratch, my weird long tongue slipped out past my lips and wiped across my cornea like a windshield wiper. I was covered in my own slobber! Then, it slurped back into my mouth right after. As if I didn't fucking SEE what just happened! Fuck me. Fuck this tongue. Fuck this whole thing.

-- SEPTEMBER 4th--

Hey, guess who's got two thumbs (still, thank God) and grew taller overnight? This guy! As in, something grabbed my torso and stretched me out a foot like a Goddamn tape measure! I don't know if I just grew more spine or what, but it cracked like five times, and I seriously wanted to reach back and rip it out of me.

Aside from the usual throbbing pains, I really couldn't tell what happened. So, against my better judgment, I went into the bathroom and turned around in the mirror as best I could. Fuck me, I looked like a noodle, lanky except for my ribs which are visibly sticking out at my sides. Did they look bigger too? Even my backbone is poking up between my shoulder blades and running down to the base of my tail. You can see all the indents between the vertebrae. Fucking creepy.

Well, I definitely look taller, so the ladies will love that. But I'm also a little top-heavy? Kinda wobbly. I'm scared to bend over at this point, or I might never get back up. Not like I could touch my toes before anyway. My muscles still feel tense back there, so maybe they have another few inches left to crank out. For now, I'm sitting up very straight and trying not to drop anything. [Drawing of spaghetti noodles on a plate]

-- SEPTEMBER 6th --

Update: More back spasms -- torso got even LONGER -- can now touch toes. Apparently, I'm more flexible than I used to be.

I'd be great at limbo.

[Drawing of maracas shaking]

-- SEPTEMBER 5th--

So, I couldn't get out of bed this morning. And sure, you might be like, what "else is new ya sad lazy sack of lizard shit?" But here's something new! Whatever changes were next in line, they were seriously kicking my ass, beating my abdomen and groin so bad I couldn't even sit up. Did someone sneak in and kick me in the balls overnight? It felt like they were getting rammed up inside of me. And now that I think about it...

I've never experienced getting a period, but maybe it was like that? I don't know, and hopefully I don't have to find out. Still a dude over here. The throbbing pressure gave way to burning, like there was full-on surgery happening down there and nobody knocked me out for it. I gripped at the sheets, sweating hard, legs crossing and twitching, face scrunched up in agony for most of it. My half-squinted eyes went to my dick once in a while and saw how the skin around the base was turning from flush to...green. Another sharp pain. Then with a nasty squelching sound, this wide cut started opening beneath my shaft, skin bunching up right where my sack was. Guess that crawled up inside me after all.

It looked like I grew a little kangaroo pouch or some shit. I didn't even understand what was happening to me. It sounded as bad as it felt. The pain magnified while my body tried to fold in on itself, and my penis was forcibly dragged down into my new crotch slit. The lip of skin pulled higher and higher until it met my abdomen, leaving my crotch flat as a pancake. Yes, I cried like a baby as my junk rearranged. Who wouldn't?

The pain didn't stop there. I panicked and crossed my legs tight, struggling to breathe through the sharp contractions. I was thinking, holy shit am I just growing a vagina? I swear to God if I lay an egg, it's going straight on to the stovetop. I'd be sweating buckets if my body was still normal, instead of the usual slime. My tongue even rolled out onto the pillow before I consciously yanked it back in.

After several minutes in Hell, the cramping died down, and I could at least sit upright. But something suddenly felt bunched up inside my groin, like my hand was balled up into a fist and needed flexing. I wasn't even sure what muscle I was moving in there. I was stupidly hopeful. Maybe I'd get my cock to come back out, or at least my balls. So I focused and tried clenching this new muscle.

When I saw how my junk responded, my eyes could've burst from my skull.

I screamed as not one, but TWO dicks slid out of this fucking kangaroo pouch on my crotch. Of course, they were both still fucked up. Pointy like arrows, red and slimy like Twizzlers some kid left half-eaten on the floor of a movie theatre. And this was a fucking horror movie.

-- SEPTEMBER 6th--

I'm sitting in a warm bath because my skin hates me today. The horror show continues! Although, the water is kinda relaxing. Maybe that's the gecko talking.

So there I was enjoying a microwave rib patty, pretending that I'm definitely not becoming a monster, when my whole body started itching. It was like I was covered in fire ants. I flew up from the couch and peeled off my shirt and boxers, afraid that literally was the case. Wouldn't surprise me since I'm in the middle of nowhere.

Thankfully I was bug free, but no matter how hard or fast I scratched, the irritation wouldn't stop. Even standing barefoot on the floor stung my soles. My skin started to feel dry too, like the moisture was evaporating away. What good is the mucus if I'm drying out!? Your stupid lotion didn't help either, and it might have made it worse for all I could tell.

I felt the urge to hop into the tub. Water had to do the trick, I just knew it. And it did, mostly, but I had to go fully under for a few minutes. When I came back up, something definitely felt different. Patches on my legs and stomach were pruning more than normal. I thought I'd be really red from the scratching, but my skin was almost pale. Then, it started changing colors beneath the water. Fuck. Despite the sun burnt feeling, my arms and legs were going...Ninja Turtle green.

I know I'm turning a gecko, but let me have this.

[Drawing of a Ninja Turtle's head]

-- SEPTEMBER 7th--

I am REALLY trying to get used to my body, but fuck this. I can't even walk right anymore.

First off, my hips finally popped out and realigned, agonizing by the way, and now my waist is wider than 50-year-old soccer mom. God, I inherited something from my mother after all.

While freaking the fuck out, I hobbled over to the phone and made another emergency call, which I'm sure you have on record. Sorry for all the swears, but I literally could not walk, and your operator sounded REALLY uninterested in my living nightmare. Oh, I'll likely still be "humanoid," what the fuck does that mean? Then, he hung up me! Rude. 1-star.

I had to crawl to my bed because I can barely take two steps without falling over. The extra weight from my lanky top-half doesn't help either. You'd think the tail would help me balance. Nope! It's more interested in wrapping around the table leg.

Since my hips are fucked, the changes must be traveling back up towards my head. My neck and jaw are killing me. Although, if my head gets bigger, maybe my tongue problems will go away. It's still hard to control, like the tail, but at least it stopped rolling out of my mouth all the time. Got real tired of tasting these pages.

Also, in case you're wondering, my sex drive's unchanged, might even be higher. At least whenever I want to jack it, there's never a shortage of lubricant. I just close my eyes and imagine that I'm not giving Godzilla a handjob.

God, why couldn't I get Atomic Breath? That'd be cool. Or even just grow a venom sac. I know that's a real thing. Or would that just hurt worse?

-- SEPTEMBER 8th--

Good news: I can walk upright again. My hips popped hard and did God knows what else beneath my skin, but hey whatever works.

Bad news: I have to bend my knees to stay up, and I'm fighting urges to crawl on all fours! I rolled out of bed this morning and immediately landed on my hands and feet. The moment I realized what I was doing, I shot up onto my legs -- not my "hind legs", my "only legs" - and immediately slipped back onto my ass. Now my tail hurts.

Humanoid. Yeah, sure.

-- SEPTEMBER 9th--

Y'know the scene in that old Ghost Rider movie where Nic Cage's face just kinda melts off? And then he becomes a Hot Topic super hero? Well, that's how my face felt when I started growing a snout.

Except, I'm not a superhero. I'm just an oversized pet shop product you buy your kid when you're worried they'd kill a dog or something. Not that I'm talking from experience or anything.

Anyway, after dinner I started to feel hot, just mild-fever level. Then, the heat cranked up like a blowtorch aimed at my jaw! This was worse than the sting of my tongue growing. Way worse. I even tried submerging my face in the sink, but the heat felt trapped beneath my skin. And it was spreading.

The pain rushed to my gums, and the taste of blood filled my mouth. It was hot and tangy, like I was getting cut up at the dentist. Fun fact, that's my greatest fear second only to transforming into an animal. I started grinding my teeth to work through the pain, but something felt wrong. It was like I had a sack of wet marbles in my mouth. Terrified, I spit into the sink.

The water turned red as a bunch of my Goddamn teeth fell out. Ok. That meant this was all a dream, right? Right?

My jaw snapped open with a hard, wet CRUNCH. Nope, not a dream. The pain was too real. The bone must have pushed out of the socket because I couldn't shut my mouth anymore. This really was like the dentist! Of course, my damn tongue had to flop out and send drool sopping onto the floor. I ignored it at the time because, y'know, paralyzing pain, and I still haven't cleaned up the mess because fuck it.

I wobbled over to the couch and nursed my slack jaw with one hand, mentally preparing myself for whatever was next. Then, on fucking cue, the bone-crunching-stretching-pulling pain started up. Turns out your face is super sensitive like your feet, so it was pretty much that first big night all over again. Maybe worse.

My jawbone cracked and twitched as it grew outward, but you could barely hear it over my crying. After a few inches added, I could see my chin and nose pushing out in front of me, slithering forward like the snake that I wasn't turning into. Except my nose wouldn't last because it was slurped up by my upper lip, and the bridge became part of a snout. And the worst part? Besides the gut wrenching pain, I mean? It was so fucking slow!

Goddamnit, why couldn't it just happen all at once? Just snap into place and be done with it! No! My damn skull streeeeeeetched itself out like a yoga instructor would...slow, annoying, and making me want to die. And no, I haven't had good experiences with yoga instructors.

Thankfully there's nobody within five miles because I was screaming bloody murder. My throat went raw from yelling, which just added to my discomfort, and I could've torn open the couch cushions with how hard I gripped them. They'd be shredded if I'd grown claws, along with whatever else I could get my soon-to-be-paws on at the time. I couldn't swallow right either, so drool was still pouring out onto the cushions and the floor. As if the house wasn't filthy enough. I haven't been in a real cleaning mood this month, obviously.

Pretty soon, EVERYTHING else in my skull was deforming. Things were shifting that I didn't even know could move! My forehead was getting pushed down on, basically flattening, but my cheekbones widened as they formed the rest of my snout. My eyeballs wanted to burst when the sockets grew farther apart. I felt crushed and stretched all at once. In the moment, I just wanted the change to squish my brain and end things already. Instead, a less fatal burning ran over my scalp, mixed with a weird feeling of nakedness, as my hair quickly fell out. Goddamn early male-pattern baldness.

When my head FINALLY finished destroying itself, my lower jaw snapped back up into place, and I forced my mouth shut with my bare hands. It felt wrong just to touch it. My fingers couldn't even wrap all the way around the barrel that was now my face. My fucking muzzle.

I felt super dizzy. My eyes darted around for some sort of distraction, but the room looked weird somehow, out of proportion, and that just made my head spin. My vision's still not back to normal. I wiped away the remaining tear streaks and slobber, then plopped down onto my side, exhausted. For once, I got a decent sleep.

-- SEPTEMBER 10th--

This is almost over, right? Yesterday felt like the big movie climax. Ghost Rider finally controls his powers and faces off with the bad guy. Then it's over, right? I've given up hoping for a cure. You guys probably have too. I'd just be happy without the constant pain and chills.

I woke up and went to the bathroom, then promptly shrieked when I saw my reflection. I somehow forgot that, just a few hours before, my very human head became very reptile-like. My muzzle is still pretty fleshy, but the green dotted skin is spreading up from my arms, ready to claim my face next. And my eyes are so far apart now that I don't know how I can still see right. Well, "right" is an overstatement. The whole house seems brighter, and it's giving me a migraine. From what I can see, the hazel in my eyes is gone, just pitch black in there now. And the white parts are darkening too. Like I'm being possessed. By Ghost Rider. Creepy.

I stared at my reflection for a while. I'm not even recognizable anymore. My driver's license might be void. Hell, I could disappear from my old life and start fresh. Debtor mafia would never find me. But where could I even go looking like this? Maybe walk around a haunted mansion and freak people out. The whole shape of my face is very Pyramid Head, pointy and awkward. Or, I could find a 7-Eleven and shove my head into a bag of chips and go to town. Might do that later.

Actually...if I'm a lizard person now....

Could I control the government?

[Drawings of Illuminati symbols]

-- SEPTEMBER 12th--

What's the one thing geckos and flower have in common?

They feel better sitting in the sun!

That's wasn't a joke, I just moved the table over to the window. Time for photosynthesis.

[Drawing of a flower wearing sunglasses]

** [9_15_20XX_REPAIRED_COMPLETE]**

Fuck me, man. I don't know why I did it. I wasn't thinking straight. The isolation is getting to me. The changes must've actually squished my brain when my face shifted and warped my mind. Or, am I just making excuses for being a perv?

Either way...I licked myself. Not like a cat cleaning its fur...I mean, I tried to lick my cocks. And it worked.

To be fair, I don't know one dude who hasn't tried to suck himself off at least once during his teen years, myself included. But this was the worst (best?) time to fucking try again. Maybe it's all the sunlight making me horny? I just felt really good the past two days, better than I've been in a long while.

Ok, where do I even start? There I was in bed, nothing to do besides sleep or jerk off. Jerking off was more fun. I started daydreaming again and pictured all the hot hookups I've definitely really had in the several months leading up to this shit show. Definitely totally real hotties.

Before I knew it, my hand was moving towards my crotch. I usually don't look down there considering my horrifying lack of visible dick, but today I must have peeked a bit. It was weird. The whole area seemed less alien than usual, even kinda arousing, like something was sleeping underneath, teasing me. The thought was exciting. My tongue ran over my lips without me telling it to, and horny inspiration struck hard. It was one thing to rub one out, I thought, but what would happen if I went beyond that? What if I put my freakish body to good use?

I started tracing my fingers eagerly around the top of my new slit. A warm tingle bloomed just beneath the skin of my groin. When I thought about porn enough, something clicked in my head, and I could feel that weird dick muscle kick in with my arousal. Just like before, I started clenching it. My two boys were usually shy at first, but the more excited I got, the more they poked out of their hood. And this time, they practically shot up from my slit, both shafts eager to try a science experiment of our own.

Warm and red, they were already slick from being inside my pouch thing, so the pre bubbling from the tips was just icing of the dick cake. Like I said, there's never a shortage of lube. Not that I'm totally used to having two shafts, or happy to have them at all, but they dwarfed my old cock's length by an inch or two. They were kinda sleek, actually. Like two Ferraris revved up and waiting for the gas. Any thoughts of how gross they were became shrouded in a hot red fog.

My cocks fully out, I opened my muzzle and let my big, sloppy tongue snake down onto my stomach. It wasn't long enough to reach on its own, so I still had to lean forward a bit, but I was definitely more flexible than I used to be. Maybe those back pains were worth it after all.

Some unrepressed animal instinct must've taken over because the moment it touched my dicks, my tongue went wild like a snake wrestling its prey. Holy fuck. I didn't even bother using my hands after that. With just a few licks of my tootsie pop penises, streams of pre were sliding out of my tips. They were crazy sensitive today, beyond any experience I'd had before. My eyes rolled back in my head...literally, I think...and self-control went out the fucking window.

Lost in the sexy haze, I tasted a bittersweet wetness as my tongue dabbed the lines of pre-cum sliding down my cocks. I didn't mind the saltiness much, my horny brain laser-focused on the flavor blasts of pleasure. The licking was totally animal, but there was this urge to touch every inch of my junk in a way my clumsy human-for-now hands couldn't manage. My tongue was bigger than it used to be, but it bent and twisted in ways it never could before. Maybe if I had better control, I could wrap it around my shafts like a Fleshlight, but for now, this was doing wonders.

I glided along the shafts, flicked the tips. Drool raced down my jaw and fell onto my stomach, but I happily ignored it. Even my huge tail was thumping up and down on the bed like an excited puppy. I couldn't get my snout down around my shafts, but maybe that'll happen eventually. That'd be...wait...do I really want that?

An excited twitch rumbled down my thigh. The bizarre pleasure curled my lanky toes all the way in. I couldn't believe how I was enjoying my mutant body. The moment struck. My breath hitched. I came more than I thought possible. Were my inside-nuts just emptying themselves out or what? Maybe that was the case, since I could feel something unusual twitching beneath my crotch pouch, like something shifted around again, but it only added to the warmth simmering around my lengths. God, why couldn't all my changes feel like this?

My hips buckled again. And again. Then a few more times for good measure. I had to pull back just to avoid giving myself a facial, but a few drops landed along my tongue as it dangled out of my mouth. It was sour and sweet at the time, like this whole Goddamn experiment.

Needless to say, it was the best fucking head I've ever gotten. Probably because I know all my own sweet spots. Those somehow remained through my changes, but they'd grown even sweeter. I could've cried, and not out of agony for once! But soon my dicks stopped spurting their Yellowstone-sized loads, and the post-nut high faded. The brain fog evaporated, and my cheeks turned red as I mulled over the splash zone beneath me. Like my sheets, my stomach was soaked with sweat, semen, and the usual reptilian slime. And yes, you can tell them all apart.

Fuck, that all sounds way less attractive in hindsight. I thought, maybe this was a bad idea? Am I going feral? Was I just gonna change faster now?

Turns out, "yes" to all of those questions because as if on fucking cue, my throat suddenly began to ache. Bad. Like all the muscles were throbbing from screaming at Coachella. I groaned, rubbing down the most tender spots beneath my jaw. Maybe I just pulled something bending over so much? Or, I'm being punished for my sins. Serves me right for being an unholy freak of nature...and for skipping church.

Suddenly, the pressure spiked as my tongue lashed out like a whip, darting around my bed and twisting my neck uncomfortably as I gagged. With each jolt it grew longer and thicker, until it added at 3 FUCKING FEET and shot well past my jizz-spattered crotch without me leaning forward at all. It literally reached past my knees at full length! And just my luck, it landed right in my spooge puddle. My non-lizard brain REALLY didn't like that. Too. Much. Cum! I tasted way too much cum!

The stupid muscle wouldn't respond right, so I grabbed my tongue with both hands and pulled it back towards my face. I didn't think it'd even fit in my snout again, but somehow it made room and slid right in like my cocks do after finishing. I coughed a few times and spit a bit, partly from the suddenly giant tongue, partly from the leftover spooge coating the back of my throat.

I couldn't turn the shower handle fast enough.

This was a mistake. I think.

-- SEPTEMBER 16th--

Please please please ignore yesterday's entry. I know I'm not supposed to erase anything, but...reading it back made me sick. You guys probably don't want to know all that anyway. Someone bring me the cone of shame.

And why did I write so much? I didn't even know I could write like that. It was really...illustrative. I guess I got lost in the moment. Looks like that one creative writing elective came through after all!

I'm fucking gross. And horny again.

-- SEPTEMBER 19th--

Welp. My arms started changing so this will probably be my last entry. Better make it a good one.

Yeah, I know it's been a few days. Sorry. I shouldn't have waited...because I can barely even grip a fucking pencil anymore. Hope this is all still readable. My now fully-green hands ache pretty badly around the knuckles. None of my fingers want to bend right without forcing them, which is hard since the bones inside are definitely getting longer. They're crackling a bit even as I write, and they keep splaying out like my toes when I'm not paying attention. Resisting that pull is starting to make them hurt worse. Wouldn't be surprised if they suddenly snap into position against my will, just like everything else.

Like yesterday my shoulders spontaneously dislocated and widened, apparently wanting to match my dump truck hips. Both arms cracked together, so it felt as awful as it sounds. Now my elbows feel like they want to point inwards all the time, and my wrists are twisting a little too. I'm not fully four-legged or anything, but my forearms are almost always bent. Yes, that makes it hard to cook. And yes, it's also way easier to skitter along walls like a fucking insect.

Or, y''know...a gecko.

When I'm not wall-crawling in my sleep, my legs are also stuck bending in a weird waddle, like a cowboy strutting into a saloon. Just call me Rango from now on. Maybe I've watched too many monster movies, but I thought I'd be stuck up on my toes werewolf-style. For a minute, I even tried walking like that, wondering if it'd be easier to get around. I was flat on my face soon enough. Man, girls don't get enough credit for wearing heels. At least the tail keeps me balanced when I'm flat-footed, though I think my jogging days are over. I'm lucky that I can still walk upright-ish at all, huh?

In other news, the mucus thing is getting out of hand. I mean it's literally sliding off my palm onto the journal! I'll be amazed if these pages aren't soaked by now. There's a puddle growing beneath my feet to match the one I'm sitting in. Do I even need to shower at this point? Not like I stink! I think. Well, my laundry did, but I finally trashed my last soggy shirt and boxers. Got tired of washing them in the tub, and they were permanently stained anyways. Same goes for the floor and the walls...and the ceiling. Sorry, you guys are gonna need a power washer to clean this place. Or a flamethrower.

I covered up the mirror in the bathroom. My pitch black eyes creep me out, and I finally got tired of seeing how green I am. Apparently my bellybutton and nipples just vanished under the tint, but whatever, it's not like I was nursing anyway. There's a more vibrant yellow-green strip of scales running down my back and tail, while my chest and oddly the backs of my arms and legs, are a paler shade. It's like the "dye" didn't take all way. Same goes for my sopping palms and soles because who the fuck knows. Not sure what species of gecko that all makes me, assuming there's more than one and that I'm even a real species. Maybe I'm just a genetic clusterfuck. At least I'd look cool at a rave.

So, essay conclusion time, right? Here we go. My name is Wes The Teenage Mutant Ninja Gecko, I'm 8'1 from head to tail-tip, I have gross slimy skin, weird sticky toes, and I'm still hopelessly single. I feel trapped in-between self-loathing regret and existential dread of the future.

All in all, I guess not much has really changed.

This summer's been a rollercoaster, one that broke down and caught fire. I went from excited to horrified, to writhing in pain, sometimes all in the same day. I can't say I'm too pleased with the end result of this fucking experiment. The plan was to walk away with a big check and maybe a lifetime supply of hand lotion. Now, I might just be crawling out the door.

But hey, can't fix the past, might as well look ahead, right? The bonus payout should be good, so says rude phone guy. Miss Hazmat, if you're reading this, dinner's on me ;) In a few days, they're sending someone over soon with the check and a FUCKING LIMO DRIVER...once they confirm I'm not contagious, that is. And holy shit, it's a big check like in the lottery commercials! I guess the company wants this ordeal to be worth my time and, of course, my humanity.

As much as I'd like my non-adhesive body back, I'll settle with getting the fuck out of here. It won't be the same, but I can at least pretend to be normal when I get back. In fact, I started making a list of what to do next:

Once I cash the check, I'm literally gonna have a new lease on life. I'm moving out of the city. I'm buying a Ferrari. I'm going to Armani...online. Despite my never-ending moisture, I still want to wear clothes, just no shoes, obviously. I can find something water-resistant, I'm sure. And I'll have to cut a hole in the back of my underwear. Buy some mom jeans for these hips.

Eventually, I'll find a job over the phone or the computer. Everything's voice activated now, and thank God I can still talk somehow, albeit with an awful lisp. Or, I could get that seasonal job as a haunted mansion monster! And hear me out, maybe I can be a ghost writer or something? I got a lot of experiencing describing theses horrific mutations. Pulp romance should be a fucking cake walk.

Not sure what to tell my parents. "Hey, you wanted me to be independent, so I went ahead altered my DNA! Not like you paid for my degree anyway. Here, buy my book! No free copies!" God, if I still had ears I'd get them pierced just to really freak them out.

Anyway, I'm staying positive. Life won't be the same, but at least I'll still have one. A better one than being crushed by debt and hounded by mafia collectors. This was worth it. I kinda have to believe that. I didn't go through all this shit for nothing. I'm gonna make this work.

Maybe I'll buy that beach house after all...

-- Your reptilian friend, Wes

[Drawing of a lizard head wearing sunglasses]

[9_20_20XX_CLOSING_STATEMENT]

*HYPOTHESIS_CONFIRMED: Continued digestion of food-form SAMPLE_0245 will destabilize the subject's molecular chemistry. Topical application of gel-form SAMPLE_1498 will alter subject chemistry to ORIGIN producer's biological makeup.

*SUBJECT_2 retrieval operation complete by RETRIEVAL_8.

*SUBJECT_2 permanently relocated to STATION_5_OBSDECK. Draining of samples initiated.

*SUBJECT_2_NOTES transcribed by UNIT_62. NOTE_ENTRY_9_15_20XX repaired manually. All non-linguistic images transcribed before removal.

*CAMS_FOOTAGE archived. Remaining UNITS containing SAMPLE_0245 and SAMPLE_1498 collected from incubation zone and moved to STATION_12.

*CLEARANCE_APPROVED for SUBJECT_3 ; SUBJECT_4.

*OVERSEER _NOTE: This trial has produced the most positive outcome thus far. I am impressed and intrigued by SUBJECT_2's determination to remain within the bounds of the experiment, though his reasoning as written deserves some scrutiny. Nevertheless, preemptive intervention proved unnecessary, and the producer conversion process is truly fascinating when uninterrupted. We should expect an excellent supply of samples given his new physiology. "Sopping" was the word he used, I believe.

As agreed, I will be transferring oversight duties to Dr. Gemson at STATION_5. I no longer wish to be the target of the subject's flirtatious advances, even in written form.

--Dr. Lana Paxton

[END_RECORD]