FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

I stare at the ceiling, sagging into the chair and gathering every ounce of my energy. My break ends any time now, and I have to go do my job. I'm not dancing tonight, thankfully--I don't know if I could do that in the state I'm in. I still have to talk to people, though, and I don't feel like it.

I sigh. I'm tired right now and I don't know why. Guess it's just one of those nights. Or maybe the sleepless nights have come back to haunt me. Well, I'm here now; there's nothing I can do about it. With that, I close my eyes, psych myself up, and get up. I fix a smile on my face, and then I open the door.

Music floods my ears as soon as I go out, followed by the hollering of the patrons. Typical noise at this time of night, nothing new. I scan the crowd of people in the room. I don't see much in the darkness and the blue and violet lighting. Everyone just blends into one faceless, black mass.

I make my way through the tables. I pass by a bear, a wolf, a Russian Blue, a cheetah, a lion. Just as I'm about to turn somewhere else, I see a fox at a table not far from where I am. The sight makes me smile.

Of course he'd be here.

I walk over to him, reminding myself that I'm still working. I grin as I place a hand on the table. "Knew you'd come back."

The fox looks up at me. He smiles before giving me an incredulous look. Then he giggles. "What's with the bandanna?"

"What? I thought you said it looks good."

"It does. It's just that..." he crosses his arms and shakes his head. "Oh man."

I look around, then gesture to his seat. "Mind if I sit beside you?"

"Of course."

He scoots over to the side and I sit down beside him. I place my arm gently around his shoulder and pull him closer. The fox turns to me and tugs at my bandanna.

"Any chance you're gonna take this off? Along with your pants?"

"Sorry, not tonight," I say.

"That's too bad. But I could always take you out of the club and have you all to myself."

"Is that an invitation?"

"Maybe. I can't wait to see you in all your glory again."

I raise an eyebrow. "Oh, is that so?"

"Okay, real talk for a moment. That was amazing, but let's get to know each other more first before we do anything like that again. "

The car ride crosses my mind when he said that, along with the one-night stand. And with that, all the thoughts that ran through my head at the time. I wince at the thought.

"Yeah. Let's," I say. "Anyway, can I get you anything? Night's still young."

Danny sidles closer and nuzzles my neck. "No thanks. I got all I need here."

His hands slide up and down my leg and his tail wraps around me. I close my eyes and savor the feeling, then gently pull his head away from my neck.

"I don't usually get this close with people here. Let's cut it here before the regulars make a fuss."

"Come on, I'm pretty sure this doesn't cross the line."

"What about 'Let's get to know each other first?'"

Danny looks like he's disappointed in himself for a moment. "All right, you win this time."

"This time?"

"I'm not giving up that easily."

"Sure. Whatever you say." I laugh. "Groping is still an option, you know, because we're here and all."

"Of course I do."

As if on cue, he places a hand on my bare torso and begins rubbing it. I chuckle, rubbing the fur on his head.

"Thought giving me special treatment was bad for you?" Danny asks. "Why are you here right now?"

I shrug. "I do this with patrons all the time."

"Get all up close and personal with them before asking what their order is?"

"As long as they're comfortable and it turns them on, of course."

"Really? And how long do you do that?"

I look around me before turning back to him. "We can go just a little longer."

"What happened to, 'Let's not upset the other patrons'?"

"I'll make an exception, just for you."

"You're probably gonna get fired. But for that..." Danny fishes for something in his pocket. He pulls out a dollar and shoves it in my pants, in the crotch.

"And you're shameless," I say.

"Says the guy who stripteases for a living."

"Hey, I get money out of this. What's your excuse?"

Danny raises his hands. "Hey, if it feels good, then it feels good."

I shake my head. "Whatever you tell yourself."

The crowd cheers again, and it distracts me from the conversation. I look at the stage to find Devon cuffed to the pole with one hand and tossing his uniform with the other. I don't think he's getting that back. Not like he was planning on it.

"So..."

Danny speaks up, and I turn to him. "Yeah?"

"What made you become a stripper? I'm curious."

I grin. "Out of conversation topics?"

"Just humor me."

"All right then. I needed the money and being a stripper was an option because I looked good, was tall enough, and have the muscle. I burnt through every option on the list and none of it worked, so I was left with this one. Over time, I grew to like it along with the thrill of being naked and showered with attention and money, so I continued being a stripper."

"Is it worth it?"

"Well, yeah, there's a few bumps here and there, creeps and all of that, but I can manage it."

Danny nods, and he stares into the distance. He's pretty deep in thought.

"Why? Are you planning on becoming a stripper, too?" I ask.

He gives me a look of surprise before shaking his head. "God no. I'm too short for that. Besides, I'm not really comfortable with too many people watching me."

"I understand. I bet you'd be amazing at stripteasing, though."

"That remains to be seen."

There whoops and hollering crescendos again and I turn to the stage. Devon has just ripped his pants off and is grinding the pole.

"Is he a friend of yours?" Danny asks, pointing at the German Shepherd.

"Devon? Yeah. I met him here. He's a great guy. Why'd you ask?"

"He talked to me while you were MIA. Asked about you and me and stuff like that. It's kinda weird since I've been here for months now."

"Yeah, he's like that. He takes a while to get used to people. He doesn't talk to patrons like that, though. You're a special case since our one-night stand had an effect on me."

Danny nods. "He also kept talking about how I look like your ex. Even joked about me being a bartender here."

I chuckle. "Devon's like that sometimes. I can't understand his humor, too."

I realize Danny has placed his hands on my legs and begins rubbing dangerously close to my crotch. For some reason, this is enough to get me going. I clear my throat.

"Couldn't keep your hands to yourself?" I ask.

"You did say I get to grope you. What else am I gonna do, cry?"

"You could always order something."

"Is that how you get people to order?"

"Wouldn't you like to know?"

He shakes his head in exasperation.

"Actually, yeah. Do you want anything? We're way past the time I usually spend with people."

I'd be lying if I said if I didn't enjoy it, but I'm still working right now.

"That wasn't much of a talk," Danny says, his tone a bit bummed out. That gives me an idea.

"Hey, could you stay here for another hour or so? My shift ends soon, and we could talk some more after that."

He smiles. "You're pretty excited about this. Your tail is wagging, too."

I look at my tail and sure enough, it's wagging. I hold it tight as I turn to him. "Don't worry about it. So, do you want to?"

"Of course, Eric."

"That's good to know." I stand up. "So, what would you like to drink?"

He looks at me and places his head on the back of his hand. "Scotch. On the rocks."

"Got it." I give him a smile and a nod before walking away with his order.

***

I get a sense of deja vu when I step outside and see Danny just standing there. It's too much like the night where we sorted things out. At least it's not raining this time.

I close the door, prompting the fox to turn around and look at me. He lets out a sharp sigh.

"Exactly how much time do you need to clock out?"

"I'm outside now, so does it matter?"

"If I'm gonna take you up on your offer of chatting, I need to know how long I have to wait."

I shake my head. "All right then. I just had some stuff I needed to take care of. This doesn't usually happen, so don't worry about it."

"I'll hold you to that."

We walk to my car. Danny seems to already have a routine as he walks to the passenger's seat, opens the door, and goes inside in one fluid motion. He's only been in my car once. I shake my head before I shut the door and start the car.

"So," Danny says. "Where are we going?"

"My usual, tried-and-tested route. The one I told you about." I back away from the parking lot. "The first destination is the park."

Instead of the highway, I drive in the opposite direction. It doesn't take long before we're greeted by bright lights and cars everywhere. The drive along these roads has become second nature to me. I could memorize the buildings and the stores that line every street. I guess it's the familiarity that comforts me.

"How did I not see this place before?" Danny asks. His tone is a mix of quiet awe and disbelief.

"Well, there's the bridge for one," I say. "That, and you don't come across as the type to drive around the city."

"You guessed right. And I guess you travel a lot."

"Not to the point that I know by the whole city by hand, but yeah. I am familiar with it."

"Good for you. How do you make the time?"

I smile at him before turning back to the road. "I just do."

"All right then. Keep your secrets."

"You're not gonna get a decent schedule from me, if that's what you're looking for."

There's a complicated look on his face. "Yeah. Okay then."

He doesn't talk after that and there's a weird vibe in the air right now. I want to talk, but I keep my mouth shut. Luckily, the park is in sight, so it doesn't last.

"Hey, look. We're at the park."

Danny sits up from his seat and looks through my window. "Looks pretty. Do you walk around the park or do you just stay in and experience it vicariously through the people passing by?"

"I walk around from time to time, but we're not doing that right now since I'm showing you around."

"Will you bring me to the park sometime?"

I turn to the park as well, looking at the trees, the benches, and the people walking around. "Of course. Just not now."

"Okay then."

I slow down a bit, taking in the scenery before speeding back up and going back to the highway.

"All right. There's two more things I want to show you," I say. "They're pretty far from one another, so we're gonna have a bit of a drive."

"What the hell? I thought this drive was gonna be short." He must've seen the look on my face because he laughs. "I'm just kidding. I knew what I was getting into."

I shake my head. "Way to take advantage of my lapse in judgment."

"Apologies."

I take a turn on the next highway and speed up. The tall buildings back away into the distance as the highway goes up. I look at Danny for a second. He has his head turned to the window, arms crossed and leaning back. I look at him from his head down to his legs. I then turn my attention back to the windshield.

"Hey, Eric?" Danny asks.

"Yeah, what is it?" I ask.

"Did you know how to dance before becoming a stripper, or did you have to learn along the way?"

"Where did this question come from?"

"To be honest, I have no idea either. It just came to mind, so humor me"

I chuckle. "I was a pretty decent dancer before, but never really good enough. When I took the job, I practiced really hard. I'm still practicing, because I still look a bit stiff at times on the videos."

"At least you can see your mistakes. You're improving."

I nod. "Yeah."

"So I guess dance skills aren't as strict of a qualification, then?"

"Okay, do you really want to be a stripper or not?"

Danny gets really flustered all of a sudden. "No."

"Your questions are oddly specific."

"I'm just curious about you."

"Sure you do. Come on, what's your real reason?"

He sighs. "Okay, I kinda maybe sorta wanna give a lap dance, too. I kind of... always wanted to."

I smile. "I can teach you."

"Really?"

"Of course. Who are you gonna give a lap dance to?"

"That's... undecided as of yet."

I shake my head. "I'll get to that when you have someone you to turn on."

"All right then."

My attention is snapped away when I see a familiar set of lights in the distance. I slow down again and drive to the side. It's a small restaurant, with a few tables outside and lights above.

"All right, this is the next stop," I say. "This restaurant is hard to find, but it's pretty popular. The food and the view's great here too. It's open twenty-four-seven too, so that's a plus."

Danny takes a look at the restaurant. "How often do you go here?"

"Whenever I do my trips, I stop down here most of the time. I do it so often that the people there know me by now."

"Must come with its own set of benefits, then."

"Oh, it has a lot of benefits, all right."

Danny grins at me. Then he looks at the restaurant again. "Wait, you drive around the city and stop in certain areas and stay for a while? All in one night?"

I look at him weird. "Yeah. That's what I do."

"Why do you do that?"

I scratch the back of my neck and look away. "Well, there's not much of a reason, really. I did this several nights in a row to the point that it became routine." I chuckle. "Yeah, it's weird. I know. But it just felt weird if I didn't."

"Hey, it's fine. We're all entitled to our quirks. I don't mind if that's what you're thinking."

Danny places his hand on my forearm, making me look at him. His green eyes reflect the lights of the restaurant.

"This is unwarranted," I say. "But... thanks."

He chuckles, pulling his hands back. "You're welcome."

I nod before starting the car. "Okay, it's time for the next stop."

With that, I start driving again. This time, I take a less populated road. The number of cars become smaller and smaller and there are fewer buildings now. We drive in silence for five minutes before Danny speaks up again.

"You're not going to murder me, are you?"

I look at him. "What are you talking about? Of course not."

He raises his hands. "I'm just saying. You're going outside the city. Kinda. This is like something out of a horror movie."

"Yeah, I get that a lot."

Now Danny looks at me. "I thought you do this alone."

"Yeah... I do. Sometimes." I shift in my seat. "I do get lonely from time to time."

The fox nods slowly. At first I think he's going to ask further, but he smiles in understanding.

"And it does get pretty scary, too," he says. "It's just darkness here."

I chuckle, speeding the car up. "Yeah. At least it's some good inspiration for my writing."

"I can imagine. When am I going to see the horrors of driving alone in an empty street in one of your works?"

"Soon. Just wait for it."

The drive lasts for another five minutes, and we spend it in silence. I look at Danny to find him staring at the ground. I wonder what he's thinking right now. There's this intense look on his face that I haven't seen before, and I don't know if that's a good thing or not. I shake my head and choose to focus on the road.

We go up and keep going up. I nudge Danny and point to my window. He does and I smile at the way his eyes immediately light up.

"Holy shit. We're that high up?"

"Yeah, pretty much," I say.

We eventually reach the top of the cliff and I turn left and stop the car. In front of us, the city shines in all its glory. From where we are to the horizon, it's just a bunch of twinkling lights spread all around. Danny is leaning forward, his eyes glued to the sight.

"I take it you're a big fan of amazing views?" I say.

"I wish I told you sooner," he says. "How'd you find this place?"

"I did some driving around when I first moved here."

"You just drove up here for ten minutes straight without ever questioning it?"

I nod. "Yeah. Pretty much."

Danny shakes his head. "You're weird, but I'll let it slide this time."

"Didn't you let it slide last time?"

"I'll let it slide this time, too."

"I think that kind of defeats the purpose."

Danny punches me halfheartedly. "Okay, smartass. I get it."

I laugh, raising my hands in the air to stop him from punching some more. Danny relents pretty quickly and sighs. "Are you this of a smartass too with everyone else you bring here?"

I stop laughing and look outside the windshield. "Yeah. I am."

"Noted. Anyway, the city's really pretty."

"Yeah, I never get tired of seeing it, too."

"I doubt why you ever would." Danny crosses his arms, leaning back. "So, what else do you do here?"

"Admire the city. But other than that, I contemplate on things, think about how things are going, and what I'm going to do next. You know, boring stuff like that."

"And what do you do here with other people here?"

I wince at that. "Well, we talk about stuff, mostly things that we wouldn't want to say with other people."

"Have you ever kissed anyone here?"

I turn to Danny to see him staring back at me. I can't read the expression on his face, but his tone is light, curious. It probably wouldn't hurt.

"No," I say.

Danny shakes his head in mock disappointment. "How could you let a beautiful view like this go to waste?"

"It didn't cross my mind is all."

"Wow." He lets his hands drop to his legs. Then his demeanor shifts from exasperation to the one he had the first time we met. He looks at me. "Do you want to kiss someone here?"

I raise an eyebrow. "Are you seriously asking?"

"Well, only if you want to. But I'm just saying."

He makes it sound like he's nonchalant about it, but his pants tell me otherwise. So I smile and shrug. "Sure. Why not?"

His eyes light up immediately, and before I could say anything, Danny grabs me by the shirt and pulls me in for a kiss. There's no tongue involved, and it's not as needy as last time, but it's still nice. He places a hand on my chest and one on my cheek, and I place mine on his shoulders. His muzzle is soft and reeks of alcohol.

He pulls back and so do I. I could smell the musk coming off of him, and I'm pretty sure it's the same for me too. There's a content smile on Danny's face, and his tail is wagging too.

"That was nice," he says.

"Yeah," I say.

"You're pretty excited."

That's when I notice my tail thumping against the seat. I laugh it off. "Yeah, I guess you could say that. The kiss was unexpected, though. I thought you said we shouldn't do this until we got to know each other better."

"Well, at least we didn't have sex in the car."

"Is that where we're drawing the line?"

"I think we should draw the line at anything sexual. Blowjobs and that kind of stuff."

I nod. "Yeah, let's go with that."

There's a lull in the conversation, and I take the time to look at my phone. It's three in the morning right now, and I think we have enough to go back, at least before the sun rises.

"So, you said you and the people you bring here talk about deep stuff," Danny speaks up. "Do you want to talk about some now?"

His tone is cautious and contemplative, like he has something in mind.

I put my phone back in my pocket. "There's not really much to talk about on my part. You?"

He looks at me, then his gaze drops. Then he turns back to the city. "Nothing worth mentioning. Learned a few things, but... that's it."

"And those things are?"

Danny crosses his arms and smiles at me. "And why do I need to tell you?"

"You gotta, or else we're not going to talk about the deep stuff I talk about with people in here."

"Who says we need to?"

"You did."

"Forget about that. I changed my mind."

I laugh. "If you say so."

And then comes another awkward silence. I don't know what to do with my hands, so I lean on my seat. Danny's shifting in his seat. Then he clears his throat.

"Does the awkward silence come after the deep conversations?"

"Sometimes," I say. "After the deepest conversations."

"This wasn't that deep."

I shrug. "There are exceptions."

"You've been making a lot of exceptions for me, have you?"

"I always have."

Danny looks at me and I smile back. He nods. "Yeah."

There's a pause, then I nod and start the car. "All right. That's all the time I got, and I'm guessing it's the same for you, too."

"What time is it?" Danny asks.

"Half-past three."

"Oh shit. I need to get up in a few hours, too."

"Don't worry, I'll get you there quick."

"You better be."

With that, I drive all the way back to where Danny lives. I make sure I drive as quick as possible, but it still takes a while. Aside from a few jokes on Danny's part, the ride is completely silent. He's probably tired, so I let it slide. I look at him again, at the way he's staring out his window right now. I smile, then shake the thought out of my head before looking back at the road.

Before I knew it, I'm back where I last dropped him off, at the place he told me to stop last time. I turn the car off and take the time to relax.

"Oh man, can't wait for another day where I'm sleep deprived and grumpy," Danny says.

I chuckle. "I apologize for that. And to every customer you'll scream at."

"If I do, then they deserve it." Danny then opens the door and goes out. "Anyway, see you next time. And learn to call."

"I will."

With that, he nods and closes the door. I watch him disappear behind the street again before sighing and start driving again. I drive past the boulevard, past the city, then to the bridge.

Before I know it, I'm passing by the park, and then the restaurant, and I'm back on the outskirts of the city, back on the cliff. I stop the car and stare at the city again. I let my body go limp, revisiting the drive here over and over again.

I haven't driven here in a long while, as much as it felt like yesterday. There hasn't been much of a reason to do so. Based on the last few times I've been here, it doesn't feel as special as it used to or it just hurt to look at. I've barely had conversations here too, but I still remember the last one.

"Eric, stop."

"No. Look, I get you had a bad day and all, but I'm trying to cheer you up here and you're making things difficult."

"I'm sorry, but I have a lot of things in mind. Can't I just get a day to be upset?"

"That's not my problem. My problem is you shutting me down again and again. If you're not going to enjoy your time here, then why come to this date in the first place?"

"And that's the thing with you! It's all about the dates and the flowers and the sex to you. Is that all you think about?"

I sigh, rubbing my snout. It's been a while to since the last time I've revisited that conversation, and I hate why I never fully understood what really happened. I look at the city again, at the twinkling lights and the cars and the people. Then I pull out my phone and turn it on. I go the recorder app, press record and place it just behind the wheel. It's just beginning to rain. I sigh, crossing my arms, and do my best to gather my thoughts.

"Hey, Gavin. It's been a while. How are you holding up?" I pause, letting the rain fill the silence. "I've been doing... fine, I guess. I'm friends with a fox and he looks and acts just like you. We met at the club of all places and we got it on for various reasons. I'd say it was pretty good. Haven't done that in a while too. It was great.

My writing's doing great too. I'm almost done writing it and I'm gonna send it to an editor soon. Would you still read it when it's out? Actually, never mind. I don't wanna know the answer to that."

I chuckle softly. "So, I bet you're making a killing, making drinks wherever you are. Is it an actual bar this time, and not some seedy strip club in the middle of nowhere? I'm pretty sure you are, considering how great you always made them. I missed your drinks. It always hit a sweet spot for me that no one else ever could. I wish I was there to see it."

The city lights blur from the rain on the windshield. I have half the mind to wipe it off, but decide against it. There's no point in doing it.

"I'll be honest--again. It hurt a lot when you left. It still does. You just disappeared out of the blue and I don't know what to do with that. I just kept thinking about you and what I could've said to you. I know I've said this before, but why did you go? What did I do? I wish you told me why you left before you disappeared out of my life."

I rub my face, doing my best not to tear up then and there. When I regain my composure, I continue. "I've been going here ever since you left. I don't know why; it always hurts to see the park we used to walk by or the restaurant where we used to dance, but I still go back. That, or I get nostalgic thinking about the things we used to do. I guess it felt nice, in a way, since it was where we spent our nights.

"I still remember what you said the last time we talked, and I still think about it. You know, the one where you said that to me, it didn't matter if you were the one that I'd kiss, hug, or have sex with as long as I did that with someone, anyone. I... hate that it only made sense to me now. It's not fair to you."

I take a deep breath. "Anyway, Danny--the fox I told you about--I brought him here, and I don't know why. I just felt like it. And then that feeling I had with you came back. It felt like you were there again and it felt nice. And..."

I trail off, the realization kicking in. I shake my head and continue.

"I realized that you were right. It didn't matter if it was you or Danny or anyone else, as long as I was driving to these places and enjoying myself, and there was someone there to enjoy it with. I... had sex with him for that same reason, too. God, I'm a fucking idiot. I did all of this to you, and I'm starting to do this to Danny, too."

I bury my face in my hands and rub it. I can't stop the tears from falling down my face.

"I'm sorry, Gavin. I'm sorry that I've been in a relationship with you. I'm sorry that I was lonely and desperate for one, and I saw you more as a someone to fall in love with than... you. Now you're gone, and that's probably for the best."

The rain gets harder, slamming on the windshield. I wipe the tears away from my eyes.

"God, this is stupid. Talking to a recorder over and over again." I sigh. "Whatever. You'll never hear this, Gavin, but I'm sorry, and I promise I won't repeat the same mistake. That's what you would've wanted. So that's what I'm gonna do. I'm sorry."

I take the phone and stop recording. Instantly, my shoulders sag and I rest my head on the headrest. The feeling of being watched dissipates, along with the heavy weight on my chest. I know it's temporary, but it feels nice nonetheless.

I turn my phone to open the list and scroll to the last twenty or so recordings, all minutes long for the past few months. I remember what I said in all of those, ramblings on why he left and me saying I'm sorry over and over fagain. It's feels unhealthy--it probably is--but it had to go somewhere. There's no place for it here now.

With one last look, I select all of them, and press delete. I put my phone back in my pocket, rubbing my face in the process. I lean back on my seat and watch the city. Then I start the car and drive away.