Fortune Favours The (Ko)Bold?
A sneaky little Kobold thinks she's got a great idea - petrified adventurers aren't going to miss anything that was on them being taken. Surely with her stealthy stealth and sneaky sneakiness she could ensure the Gorgon didn't even hear a thing until she'd pilfered as much as she could carry from the statues...
Naturally, that's not how it goes.
As far as most were concerned, you'd have to be completely mad to enter the lair of a Gorgon. Or extremely brave. And as far as the Kobold sneaking in was concerned, most were both.
She, however, was better than mad or brave. She was sneaky.
Almost soundlessly she slipped down the hallways of the ruined temple, the mad/brave previous visitors the main decoration. Between the legs of a startled Amazon archer, flanked by a Dwarf that seemed a little newer, and had been caught admiring the big-boobed fool with her long once-smooth legs now crisscrossed with cracks, cobwebs, and little chips. The Dwarf, for his part, was just the regular old stereotypical Dwarf. Big petrified beard that a big chunk had fell off of, slowly rusting chainmail, big dumb axe, moth-eaten cloth
But the Kobold slipped her hand into the belt of the Amazon, finding a few gold coins within even as even a gentle little movement caused the old leather to crack and crumble. The Amazon had her bow drawn, or at least once had - a handless arm was stretched out and the other that had probably held the string now lacked some fingers, likely ripped off by the bow when it had gave up the ghost. A little more careful probing and use of thievery skills extracted some potions from the statue, and also an irate spider, that the Kobold simply dropped back down the big rocky cleavage of the idiot archer.
The Dwarf was similarly pilfered. A few gemstones, more gold (duh, Dwarf) and... a rotten lump of Dwarven Bread? Ew. The Kobold gently placed that back. That stuff took decades to rot, so how long had broken-beard-boy been trapped staring at big-boobs?
Eh, not her problem. She was here to be sneaky and smart. Mad brave idiots wanted to loot the treasure from the Gorgon. But clever sneaky geniuses would simply rob the idiots who got themselves petrified!
Moving past the pair, she noted another thing about how dumb they'd all been. Apart from maybe the Amazon, nearly all of them had worn big clunky armour in some form or another. What looked like the very ancient remains of some Knight was just a mass of rust and dropped-off limbs. Even a dumb mage petrified in the corner had decided that it was a smart idea to wear a once-gleaming silver breastplate, now dulled. At least she wasn't as big-boobed as the Amazon but still, getting your armour customised to have boob socks? Silly humans.
Pilfering some booty from the mage, the Kobold began moving on to an obviously less effective human thief girl. Even she wasn't very sneakily dressed. Oh sure, the tight shorts and leather chest armour wasn't the noisiest stuff,, and that net-like thing that probably used to be a poncho was decent for rain and a little concealment, but the entire bandolier of rattly daggers and throwing knives? Dumb, dumb, dumb. So dumb they were still rattling now!
...Wait, that wasn't the petrified Thief. Scurrying silently beneath the decaying robes of a petrified swords...something or other, the Kobold peeked out carefully through one hole and waited. The rattling continued, and seemed to be getting closer, until the source became clear.
And the Kobold was not pleased. A Goblin! Green skinned, wearing crude rusty chainmail, making so much noise. If she wasn't smart and sneaky she'd be out there cursing the pea-coloured pain in the ass. Like all Kobols she hated Goblins. They were just like big hairless green rats, or something, that inevitably padded their chests to trick human males into thinking they had something interesting about them! Meanwhile, Kobolds were dragons. Sort of. Why did people compare those thieving sneaky goblins to the noble Kobold?!
And worse, the Goblin was stealing her loot, by pilfering from the statues! What kind of despicable creature would do that?! She was taking some things from the pockets of a stone alchemist, pulling potions and pieces from the faded yellow robes. And then she halted, turning around (And oh yes, this Goblin had padded her chest a lot!) and sniffing.
Certain the Goblin wouldn't smell anything over her own filthy Goblin scent, the Kobold waited. And then was surprised to see the Goblin approaching.
"I can smell you, lizard scum!" The Goblin hissed.
"Bullshit you can, you stinking Goblin stinker!" The Kobold hissed back.
The Goblin reached for the robes and tugged, tearing them off and making the Swordswatever statue wobble, and then topple. The Kobold angrily leapt forth, tackling the green-skinned pest as the statue slammed into the floor with a thump and a crack, helmet clanging away and stone head rolling off... Oh, swordsman, or possibly a woman with a moustache.
(The Kobold didn't realise she'd accidentally tackled the Goblin out of the path of being crushed by the falling statue, but she was now very annoyed, so wanted to crush the Goblin herself.)
"I'm a stinker?! At least I don't smell of lizardy scales and stolen leather!" The Goblin protested as the pair scuffled, their punchy-kick fight rolling them into another pair of statues, a male and female berserker.
The two berserkers in their wolf-headdress on the male and the cat-fur-thing on the female toppled, their axes splintering just as much as their stone bodies did on impact. The Kobold grabbed the broken-off hand of the male and smashed it over the head of the Goblin, who just growled and grabbed a stone foot to smack her in the snout.
"I don't smell at all!" The Kobold hissed, throwing another bit of broken statue at the Goblin, who dodged.
"Trust me, you do!"
"And what about you, eh, covered in rust, padding your chest to trick dumb males, and stealing from petrified adventurers! That was my loot!"
"Your loo- Padding my chest?! I'll have you know these are natural!"
"Bullshit, your species lays eggs or grows from spores or something!" The Kobold said, punctuating the accusation with a hurled lump of smashed adventurer.
"We're mammals you scaly moron! Besides, what about you?" The Goblin shot back, both verbally and literally by lobbing another rock-of-former-statue.
"...What about me?"
"Look at you, that leather strip over your chest when your species has no mammaries or nipples! And could you be any more cliche-kobold wearing just a loincloth over your fat hips?"
"F-fat hips?! And how do you know we have no nipples, eh?"
The Goblin grinned.
"If you hold your nose and ignore the lizard-stink, the males of your species can be entertaining enough at night."
The Kobold rolled her eyes.
"Should have known. Male Kobolds are horny morons, they'd have sex with a snake if someone held it straight for them."
A faint hiss echoed from the darkness.
"A snake like that, you mean?" The Goblin said, then paused.
"Oh. Uh, what do Gorgons have for hair?"
The Kobold also paused.
"...Snakes."
"I think we should run away."
"No, I had that idea by myself!" The Kobold said, not wanting to obey a Goblin.
The pair turned, headed for the exit... and halted in surprise as a pink-scaled snake-like creature stood in the way. A Lamia, her eyes glowing and entrancing the pair.
"Ah, the little intruders into my cousin's lair... So noisy, but so simple-minded..."
Blank eyed, they stood, as the Lamia neared.
"Ah, tell me, what do you see in the seduction I have cast, little Kobold?" The Dragoness asked, voice booming.
"D-Dragon mommy!" The Kobold giggled.
The Goblin blinked, and then laughed.
"Dragon Mommy?! How lame is that?!"
With a hiss, the Lamia cast the spell again.
"And what do you see, Goblin?" The muscular Orc asked.
"...Orc Daddy!"
The Kobold laughed now.
"That's worse, that's so much worse!"
The Lamia growled and entranced the pair even more deeply.
"Stop breaking my charm you pair of pests! Do you two hate each other that much?!"
"Ah, but dear cousin, the rivalry between female Kobolds and Goblins is... almost legendary," Said a new voice as scales slid over the stone floor. The Gorgon of the Lair neared.
"But to this degree? Well, no matter. What would you do with them? They clearly made quite a mess..."
The Gorgon sighed, regarding the damage their fight had led to.
"Yes, they did. You know why the statues in my chambers are the best-preserved, cousin?"
"...You liked their looks?"
"Sometimes. But most of them are the ones that annoyed me the most. The ones I want to keep far away from any stone to flesh efforts, the ones I want humiliated. And these two more than qualify. Tell me, do you think these two rivals should... kiss and make up?"
The Lamia grinned.
"Oh, that would be very fitting..."
The two tried to fight the charm at those words but had been hit too powerfully. They felt their limbs moving outside their own control....
And then the Gorgon's eyes glowed.
***
In a far better maintained and better lit area of the ruins, the new odd statue stood. Few would ever gaze upon it, of course, but the Gorgon was satisfied enough with the punishment. Grey stone scales of the Kobold's plump behind grasped in her hand, the Goblin's now-grey mouth kissed the rock solid lips of the Kobold.
If the two were ever turned back, they'd still be deeply in trance. If the two ever had the trance wear off, they would blame each other and likely begin their fight anew.
But here, deep in the ruins, where few adventurers came without having first been petrified and carried, the odds of that happening were very slim.