Dream
It's been a neat few months. I finally came out and let myself meet a sweet guy. He's got a bit of chub but is working on it and dragging me along for the ride. It's... different... trying to improve myself, not for my own small vanity or "health" but simply because someone matters enough to make me want to. I haven't felt this way, ever. There is some regret and shame that I hadn't let myself feel this way before. There's anger too, but, I'm not sure whether that's directed at the world or just me for putting up those walls. Trevor's not sure either when I talk about it and he usually just gives me a hug. I love being able to relax into him. The first few weeks I felt so stiff, unsure of how to react. I hated being touched most of my life. It was something to tolerate, not enjoy, not something to seek out. I still feel strange in public though. Not just when we're together, but inside. To not only think, well, gay, but to be alright about it, to not just shut it down or push it aside because "I should." When I told my family, most were thinking I was anyway, but other people always seem surprised. I'm having new and confusing conversations on how I should have a newfound desire to wear pink or sparkles or don't have to "act straight" anymore. Just because I like dick and can say it to myself now doesn't mean I can't get dirty. Can't gut a fish or take apart an engine. That I have to be overly concerned about how I look and what I wear! I hate fashion! I just want to wear what's comfortable!
***
"Hey man, you okay?"
"Huh?"
"You look out of it, kinda grumpy."
Trevor was looking at me with a concerned expression. I realize I'm gripping the steering wheel a bit too tightly and try to relax. "Yeah," I say a bit too quietly. "Yeah. Just getting lost in my thoughts."
"Not good thoughts apparently. I hope it's not related to last night" He quipped. Instantly I'm on edge again only this time, there's a blush burning across my face.
"Of course you'd bring that up and again I'm sorry. Then again, maybe I liked that cute, squeaky, sound you made?" I finally let down my guard last night and let him coax me into getting a bit frisky. Not only was it our first time, it was MY first time going down on anyone. Despite his careful direction and advice apparently teeth were out of the question. Not that it was on purpose, but he kept needing to tease me throughout our... Session...
"Well, practice makes perfect Hon. I can make sure of that." He said with that quirk of a smile on his face. That same little half-smile was the first thing I noticed when I saw him across the room for the first time. "Anyway, if it's not that then what's got you in a twist?"
"Just having a hard time trying to process the last few months. You've been out for years. I'm still adjusting."
"I know you are, that's why we're going to Pride! I'm gonna pop that out and about cherry for you!"
"Ew."
"Not like that you perv. I'm gonna cover you in rainbows and glitter and streamers and, and, and whatever else I can find, that you can't help but feel more, 'used to it,'" He added finger quotes for emphasis, "when you're just 'being normal.'" more quotes and a mocking tone there. "Getting used to being gay is like jumping off a cliff into water or surrounding yourself with spiders except, instead of water or spiders it's men! Which is better! Fuck spiders!"
"Fuck men."
"Exactly! So relax and enjoy it. You're always so worried about what other people think."
"I couldn't care less what other people think. It's how they act different around me now. My friends, well, the people I thought were friends, won't even joke with me now. They all treat me like I'm glass and will break at the first off color joke. If I didn't before, why would it now? I'm just avoided unless they have to deal with me." Before I knew it, my voice had cracked like it did back in puberty. Emotional, heh, how gay...
"I know, I know." Trevor said rubbing my shoulder soothingly. "I didn't know it was that bad. Have you tried telling them that? That you'd be okay with whatever?"
"I tried with a few people," I said with a sigh, "but, they didn't want to 'provoke HR.'" My turn for air quotes. "I get it. They love to get people in trouble for the sake of being non-discriminatory or anything else that makes them look like they're doing their jobs. They enjoy spreading those institutionally mandated eggshells for other people to tiptoe around. Get their jollies off on it I suppose."
"Doesn't make it right. A joke should be a joke without it being hate. I mean, you literally tried telling them that, right?"
"Yup. Don't matter though."
We drove in silence until we made it to the park. Then again, I think it was the park. It now resembled such an explosion of color and activity that I have to find a landmark to be sure. There were so many stalls from different groups offering everything from multicolored desserts to homemade pins and jewelry. There were also a some for different support groups and even one or two lawyers offices no doubt trying to find discrimination cases. And then there was the music coming from the old band-shell. Right now it was a DJ doing their list but I knew some local bands were set to play too. Oh, and the people! Everywhere holding hands, hugging, kissing so naturally and without those awkward stares that follow you everywhere else. I stood there stunned by it all.
"You know... If you kept your mouth that open last night we wouldn't have had any problems..." I could make no other response than a gurgled, grunty noise Add to that, another splash of pink on my cheeks, when Trevor grabbed my arm, lifted my hand up high and linked our fingers together in the air. I felt my face burn hotter when there were a couple wolf whistles from nearby but, when I swiveled my head in their direction to glare, they were smiling. He was also holding hands with a guy, a guy who wiggled his fingers at me. Not that I had time to process this much since Trevor was already dragging me away to one the more garishly decorated booths for what he described as my first adventure into "fabulosity."
This whirlwind of noise, color and acceptance is more than I am usually able to take. Trevor is bouncing us around so quickly from stall to stall I thought I'd get whiplash. Soon he has me so bedecked with buttons and necklaces that I felt a hunch coming on. I admit, I'm getting overwhelmed and it's not even past noon. I have to stop. There's only so much I can take at a time. It's the curse of being a big ol' introvert I suppose. If I don't, I know Ill get grumpy and the rest of the day wouldn't be fun for either of us. He knows this about me but, I don't want him to feel like he's pushing me. Luckily there was a ready made excuse just waiting in the wings.
"Trev, hold up. Wanna grab something and people watch for a bit? There was a spot I saw where the music wasn't too loud." I ask in what I hope to be a nonchalant manner. My very clever boyfriend saw through the ruse easily.
"Too much huh? Sorry I wasn't paying attention better. I know you said it wasn't what you're used to." He looks so guilty right now. "Let's just go, we've done enough."
"NO. No no no. It's not like that! I just need a bit of a sit and it _is_lunchtime. Let's just take a break and go a bit more slowly. I still want to see everything." I'm trying to smile and be convincing but he doesn't look convinced.
"Only if you're sure." There's a skeptical look in his eyes that's at war with his own desire to be everywhere at once. "Just let me know when you want to go and we'll go. It's not like I haven't been to more than a few of these."
"I'm sure. Come on, the spot was over here." I take his hand and lead him to a stand of shade trees with some old picnic tables underneath. The music is quiet but still loud enough to follow the lyrics and yet, far enough away that there not too many people here.
Trevor looks around with obvious satisfaction. "This is nice. How'd you manage to see it from all that hustle and bustle?"
"It wasn't anything special. Just a habit." I say with a shrug, "You know I try not to be crowded."
"Well you succeed. Now, go claim a table. I'll be right back. I know what we need."
"Okay then." I go sit at a table and try not to feel so awkward. I don't like to have other people pay for me but Trevor insisted that today was on him. No complaining. No guilt. Just enjoy and "be out". Neither of us have and serious money issues but it's still feels weird to be treated. It's nice too. It shows he cares. I'm snapped out of my reverie by Trevor sitting down across from be with a big grin on his face. "Really dude? Really?"
"Oh? I thought you could use the practice." He laid in front of me a thick, foot-long hot dog with two halves of a roma tomato for the knot, nestled gently in a plump bun.
"Is that mayo on the bun?"
"Yep! I thought it wasn't right before the first time I've tried it but, it really not bad."
"Is this the most suggestive thing they or what?" I said eyeing the arrangement.
"You would be surprised. There's always stuff like this. Besides, I know you want to." He said in a deep seductive voice.
"I did say I was hungry..." I say, doing my best to match his tone. I heft the meaty length in my hands and go to take a bite from the "proper" end. I stared deep into his eyes as I quickly rotate the dog and take a huge bite in the middle. The look he's giving my almost makes me choke it's so crestfallen. I manage to swallow before I burst out laughing.
"That is just so wrong." He sighs staring at the two halves of hot dog I'm now holding. "So, so, SO wrong."
"So... More practice then?"
"So much more."
"Time for that later."
"Promise?"
"Shush up and eat." I say flatly, not managing to stifle my grin.
While I eat my lunch fairly quickly, Trevor's took quite a while to finish. When you consider how often that hot dog went into his mouth it's amazing how long it took. As a result, as much as I try to make serious conversation, Trevor manages to make it awkward. Well, that's one of the things I kind of like about him. How he manages to nudge me out of my comfort zone without it being too much for me. That being said, the extra slurping and tongue work is putting on a bit of a strain. Luckily it was straining something other than our relationship.
***
"I need more." Trevor says in a monotone voice. It's uncharacteristic but I can't take the time to notice as he slides onto my bench and trusts his hand down my shorts. I gasp and try to pull him off of me.
"What the hell Trev! Stop it! We're in pub- mmph!" My protest fizzles as he plants his mouth on mine and during the short circuit he pulls my rapidly hardening length free. I get my lips away from his to beg him to stop. While I'm freed I gaze frantically at the few others in the area but nobody even has noticed. I try to wonder why when Trevor buries his face into my crotch. All I see is stars as he worships my cock, every twirl of his tongue and rough suckle making my eyes cross. The ground seems to rise up and suddenly I'm on my back in the grass. I can't even feel the thump of landing through the pleasure and... The betrayal. I feel used not having a choice but feel powerless to stop it. These feeling twine together into a mess that I can't begin to comprehend right now. It's a struggle but I glare down at Trevor. Our eyes meet and I tense. The expected result of this assault swells and...
***
I draw a shaking breath as my eyes open and gaze into the darkness. Any excitement instantly evaporates as I realize once again that it was a dream. Nothing true. Nothing like always. Fear and shame crawling on my skin. Fear of the world and shame that I cannot face what I.. The way I am... So far from what I want. I close my eyes and roll over in the bed knowing that, like always, the other side is vacant. Despite the vision taking a disturbing turn before waking, I miss it. I felt full of life and comfortable with myself in a way I haven't known before. To be able feel that way is a dream. I drift off after a while clutching the void I feel inside and willing it to be filled once again.