Alpha Male Meets Tom Cruise: A Chillunz Storie
#1 of Poetry
Now this is an old one. It's also an extremely offensive one. I recommend you don't read this poem, as it contains the following disclaimers: Homophobia, multi-level marketing persecution, celebrities, extreme violence, slurs, and probably some other stuff.
Please take this with a grain of salt. It's meant to be offensive. Nothing is expected of you, the reader, other than this. Any opinions which may be interpreted from this work are not necessarily those of the author. Remember: It's just a poem.
Alpha Male was a manly man
who always loved killin'.
He'd hunt down baby animals
and then he would grill 'em.
Alpha Male would work out
ten hours each day.
His delts were like slabs
of fine, sculpted clay.
Guns made the man;
no hippie could stop him.
He'd bench press all the nerds
who trespassed in his gym.
Alpha Male's women
he can pick and choose,
and like any real man
he only drinks booze.
His car is quite loud;
it's thrumming all night
to annoy all his neighbors
out of sheer spite.
He doesn't like rhyming;
he thinks it's for queers.
He'll wash down raw eggs
with twenty-two beers.
Alpha Male is a man
with no safety fuse.
He'll out-smash a gorilla
and outbox kangaroos.
Now you might be thinking:
"What an asinine chap!"
He'd then prove you wrong,
and he'd pound you to crap.
Alpha Male always wins.
He never does lose.
Everything 'bout him's manly,
even his poos.
So one day when Alpha Male
was listening to radio news
out in the jungle
he'd heard of Tom Cruise.
"L. Ron gave me some literature,"
Tom said, "It's pretty dandy!
It's superb to read,
And also quite handy!
"Perhaps you should try some;
A book called 'Dianetics'.
It helps me see better,
and heals diabetics!"
Tom Cruise was a bad man;
a deranged, farty villain
who jumped on fat women's couches;
he was seriously illin'.
Alpha Male never liked
this effeminate douche.
So he sped off in a taxi
with a masculine fwoosh.
"That'll be seven-fifty,"
said his cabbie with mange,
so Alpha Male punched his face
and said, "Keep the change."
Alpha Male entered the studio
with both guns a-blazin'
with blood and explosions
that looked quite amazin'.
The media chumps
were cringing and crying
cause Alpha Male didn't care for
their propaganda and lying.
He said, "Forget you pansies,
You're not worth my balls!
Show me your head honcho
before I tear down these walls!"
With an Alpha Male roar,
he belched and he bellowed,
he beat his strong chest,
and yelled, "You're all just yellowed!"
So without further ado
he stole a rad bike,
tossed a grenade behind him,
calling out "Psyche!"
Expelling exhaust fumes
and ripping open the ozone,
Alpha Male then gave chase
coated in man sweat cologne.
Alpha Male's motorcycle
sought after the train where
Tom Cruise was escaping
back to his cultist day care.
But Alpha Male only thinks
unilaterally.
He derailed the train
into a nearby gully.
There was a massive explosion
followed by a great rock slide
and when all the debris cleared
he found where Tom wanted to hide.
Yes, he had found his goal:
the top secret lair,
where L. Ron Hubbard's tools
for space aliens prepare.
Alpha Male strode on in.
There was L. Ron's secretary
who was out of touch with the world
both robotic yet wary.
"L. Ron is gone," the man said,
"You're very naive.
You think he'd be here?
He's on sabbatical leave!"
So Alpha Male grabbed his jaw
and unhinged it right off
and beat the man's skull in
til up blood he would cough.
He detached the man's arms
and smacked him around
gouging his eyes and his ears
'til he writhed on the ground.
Still Alpha Male wasn't done
kicking this guy's ass.
He broke his spine in three places
and threw him through glass.
The window did shatter
showing a secret room
where L. Ron hid all his money
and kept millions entombed.
But Alpha was pissed,
there was nothing to stop him,
so through the next chamber
he decided to pop in.
L. Ron Hubbard was waiting
with e-meters in hand.
He was ready for Alpha.
This had all been his plan.
"Follow my orders," said L. Ron,
"And let us eat babies!
I'll take over the world
and give everyone rabies!
"A nuclear missile I have
tucked under my couch,
the world's going to end,
so please don't be a grouch.
"Dark Lord Xenu is evil!
We'll purge your body thetans
and save Teegeeack
lest we all get eatens!"
Alpha Male laid his fingers
around L. Ron Hubbard's nose
and he gripped and he twisted
till blood flowed like a hose.
Alpha Male speared his man-boobs
on a rusted old spike,
jammed a shovel up his ass
and a match he did strike.
He set the old fart on fire,
mutilated him with twin chainsaws,
Stuck his head in some bike spokes
and from his entrails made withdraws.
Alpha Male stuck a grenade
right down Hubbard's gullet,
said "Hasta la vista,"
and fired a single bullet.
With a firey blast
and plenty of shrapnel,
blood and brains went a-flyin'
but still there was trouble.
The atom bomb was timed
on a computer-based count
and the seconds were ticking
to a negligible amount.
Alpha Male used braun
on the alphanumeric display
and through sheer force of force
prevented radioactive decay.
So Alpha Male went home
after saving the day.
Now you've heard the tale
so let no one say:
"Alpha Male is a chode,
a chauvanist sap.
I hope that he dies
and gets blown off the map."
'Cause Alpha Male is a man
whose testosterone never ceases.
He'll keep on drinkin' and killin'
and always do as he pleases.
So with a chug of a brewskie,
his balls he'll defend.
Farewell, my dear reader,
for this is The End.