Journals from BCT part two
04 jan 11
I wonder if you'd be proud of me Jason. For what i'd done, what id lived through. some may say i've dug my own grave, but... i tried and still do, to survive. to get out of this ditch life spawend me into. when i look back, though i find that most of this, pain and such, are my fault. i chose to feel, chose to see it in such a way... sometimes i still feel really down. but i came here with a goal...a mindset..
if i should fail, even at 110%, then i shall be recycled and try again. i will, and have promised to, keep trying. for i know, as much as this is for you, its for me too. for my love, continuity and that one night when i can hold you. hold you and tell you how much i love you, how much i neede you all along. we go on vic hammer tomorrow. 3 dys and 2 nights spent in the field, in sleeping bags (cold, dirty... but i will try to have some fun) try to imagine that you are the M16A4 i am holding in the tent...that you would gladly be there with me, if you could. and for that, and many other unspoken things, thanks hun.
thank you Jason Hunt. be you my true love, or a young soul seeking love. i thank you.
i will pay you back. in words, hugs and kisses.
and of course, the tumbles in bed.
i love you Jason, goodn ight... i will think of you...
09 JAN 11
Hey Jason! how is my cute otter? i'd give you a hood morning smooch, but that will have to wait it seems. im fine, just finished the Vic Hammer... it was freezing! this Snow leopard was shivering and hugging his knees all night Wish i could hold you, your warm body and bap you when you try to have your wayOttah!! Heh...love you Jason. i'd been getting stronger, happier and better. to be one day, your love. i miss you...Today i've been chilling mostly, thinking of you. heh... i thought of what i would do to your cute wittle butt...i would...hehehehe...tie you up while you slept, shove ...hehe let us not digress... Yiff aside, i hope you are well honey, for i pray for it every day and night. it's different now. just having tried to and changed my outlook on life has done a lot for me. i would now gladly die for America if i'd had the chance to meet you first. I'm happier, and willing to try further. i will pass the PT test, and as i said before, if i don't even at 110%, then i need it. And i will become an American Soldier, proud to be your husband. I love you so much... as much as i miss you, i tell myself, it's 3 weeks, then i can speak to you again. love ya hun... be safe, happy and give all that you do 110%, for you only get one chance at this very second.
good night hon, i love you
-your snow lepoard
-Keith
11JAN11
Hey Jase. are you ok? every day i spend struggling to stay afloat amidst the sea of sorrows, i think of you. At the same time, i'm saddened and disappointed that i do believe i shall always be diseased and sad for as long as you are not in my arms. And as long as i believe it, it shall be. I don't want to fail, because of a thought of the person in the future that i can only meet and find if i succeed. my whole life has been a giant irony, and i hate...that. My hypocricy, life, mind, body...the world, even. i tell myself, everyone i help, even the unresponsive, things i myself do not observe... i find myself muttering, handing out life advice that i do not follow...how sad, huh? I just want you, to be in your arms, to be able to believe and make true. to be able to love, share... as the song goes, "barely surviving has become my purpose...cuz i'm so used to being underneath the surface..." ah...these songs are beautiful like you... Ah how i miss you... After all this, i will...be able to love you. show you love, show you what i'd learned. to show you my scars, my heart.
Thanks hun... i opened myself up a little again today..to Thompson...i'll see you oh so soon, i'll be a better one that what you remember me.
-Ephy your leopard
12JAN11
APFT. most dreaded thing coming tomorrow. like one of those inevitable things...sorrow and death being examples. no matter the past. tomorrow, i will give it my all... i know i will likely pass, situps i am not sure...but otherwise, i should be all good. if i give it my all...all in thoughts of you, to empty my mind of the evil whispers. the Sentences after this will let you know how i did. love you jason.
well the day is over...threw two grenades, stood some more in the frozen cold, and took the APFT exhausted. i improved in the PU and SU, a lot on SU...then i failed the run. i feel so...like crying, Jason. my body is tired, tomorrow, obstacle or some CHIP crap...i'm tired...i want to break down...I...I'm sorry Jason, i failed you just as much as i failed myself. I don't really nkow what to feel. Just feel really down, like the stairs holding me up broke. I have nothing more to hold me up... so tired, so...sick. the little joy i used to hold in my heart is gone. I used to try so hard, to be happy the last few days... "12 days, 12 days..." but no. i guess i am still too weak. too weak to be a soldier, to be your leopard. I 'm sorry Jason, forgive me later, I'll trudge on...seems nothing in my life goes right thus far...
13JAN11.
Hai hun...are you ok? I've been recovering... another hard day tomorrow honey. I miss you...next time at least, I'll have Jenkins to take the APFT with. And i will pass it, easy. I've been also trying to draw a bit lately, not that good results though..hehehe. I've written some good poems though, I'm sure you will appreciate it. along with my new and stronger arms, legs and thrusts...ehehe. I'll show you some things we'd done, take you to the range..eat a nice steak meal, workout together, and play some games till we collapse. Then of course...our little fun. You'll be bottom till you get stronger than the leopard! hehe. Vic Forge and APFT are only things left. when i'm done...I'll cry and sing, sing for you, me. Sing for us and our future. I love you Jason Hunt. Be in my heart and i hope my piece in yours is helpful. Good Night
Love, your mate, one and only
-Ephy
14JAN11
APFT retake Monday. I'll pass Jason, no worries. I'll come back to you a stronger, sexier and more physically and mentally fit soldier leopard
that aside... i had a dream today...first since coming to BCT. i had some sort of superpower where i'd hold my hand up and things i said would happen. I forgot a lot of the details, but it was awesome. Been trying to figure out what it meant...but eh, whatever it means, whatever happens. you and I will soon be together, and I'll show you true love. the world will see how strong we are, and how I'll change the world because of you. I love ya silly little ottah...I'm suddenly reminded of Alex, I'll have to meet and talk to him as well...maybe even frgive him. And you'll meet at least Nate...don't think Alex will consent to even meeting me anyway.
Thanks hun, I'll continue tonight... SEe ya. this kitty gotta eat: cold A's and MRE's!! whoooo!~~
Sleep tight, no yiffing!
-Ephy
21JAN11
Back from Victory Forge! over 20km marched, with IBA +FLC and Assault packs! (roughly 60~70 lbs). did the Rites of Passage, donned my Beret, and ooked up, letting out a tear or two. I became a Soldier today, at least in title. I do not deserve the U.S Army on my chest yet, but i will definitely earn it. I thought...of you. that i made it through, solely with the thoughts of you. For you, John, Michael, everyone who knew, know, or will know me. For my future to be filled with friends, love and life unseen before. For my life to begin anew, as a disciplined, well-trained soldier. that i may be somewhat "normal." That i may forget the past and come out of my shell, as my DS told me. First thought as my First Sergeant announced the ending of Ceremony was: "i made it. are you proud of me Jason?"
Be you real, young, or something that is not akin to the image and heart i hold inside, thank you. For it is my past, the bane of my pains itself, that made it possible. For i no longer need be sad all the time. For now, I am an Americn Soldier. Last 4 days weren't as hard as i thought, but harder at the same time. I missed you, though the intense training and 7 hour marches kept me too busy to think. Flamey will apologize that he didn't think of his otter much...
i didn't have the time. Wake up, eat an MRE, march 2+ miles, and of course, our Drill Sergeant being a ranger-to-be, his pace is really ridiculous. yesterday, we nearly ran back 2.5 miles. in like, 25 minutes!. Can i have a massage? Pweez? hehe... I've changed...i cannot say i've grown, but i've certainly hanged. And i've no more reason to be sad. All the things i am missing from life, i will get with time. soon enough, and likely better than everyone else's. you are, of course, better than anyone i know. I imagined, quite a few times, going on a camping trip and such with you. we'd hike a few miles, i'd poke you and run off, eat, kiss...ah how fun it will be....soon Jason, So soon. I'll show you who i became. A leopard, groomed to the Army Standards. proud and strong, both mentally and phyiscally. Thanks hun...for everything. I may be different, weaker than most for now, but i will grow to be a well-muscled, smart, and sociable kitty. God, I missed writing these. How the ink on white used to relieve me... i love you Jason Hunt, husband of Keith Hunt. or PVT Hunt. Thank you for being my Northern Star past two years. i will see you real soon, and hopefully within the year. Good night my love, mate, everything that is my life. Sleep tight
-Keith, an American Soldier
22JAN11
Hey Hun, 3 days till i become an American Citizen. Army Strong, never retreat. i know not if you still love me, or you are real, but you ar ein my heart. Inspiration, love, hope. you are everything i did it all because of the hope, you, john, michael... just as much as myself. i could not have done so, without you guys. And for that, i thank you all. Jenkins, Thompson, schneider...all my new and first friends. I'll treasure them, and work to "come out of my shell," as Newby said. I will become Alex in Ulikely Pairing, in shape, mind and body. Strong yet soft, hard yet comfy. I will show me, you, everyone. who i can e, who i am, even as my past remains. even if i began below everyone else, i will triumph. Even if i began below everyone else, i will win. against fate. Against life. I'll be a dud. Unexploded when everything else is, only to shine brighter for being one. I will, i hereby promise to you, become the best BECAUSE of my past. I will use it. Even as i started ower, in thoughts and maturity. I started higher. For i know pain, that i may gain. My own house. Own life, you, and a car. That's all i need...love and food. ability to sustain the love...I Love you Jason. I will see you soon, and I'll show you. the New Me. New Ephemeral. New Ephy, a whole new Flamey.
Good night
Love you hun, sweet dreams.
-Keith Hunt.
Amercan soldier
Artist/Author
Leopard/Flamedramon
Your Lover.
23JAN11
mmm.last sunday inside BCT. one more step towards becoming a true Ephy. I have to confess, Jason. I doubt you, love, john, michael....maybe it is selfish of me, maybe it isn't. I hoped you or people that...claim to love me, would email me and such... I checked on phone call time, and i see i didn't get any past 3 weeks...From anyone, even you, who promised to email me every week. it makes me doubt, my heart tremble..Cuz as much as i miss you...i dont know if you are real, if you love me, or you are just desperate. I had mentioned this before and... I don't know. I don't...I can't hold onto somethin that i have no proof whatsoever on. I've sent you plushies, necklaces...but I have nothing from you, not to say it is your fault for being unable to ...but... I just... wished you'd loved me enough to have sent me a piece of mail, at least. Doubt clings to me, that you are Shauna Funk. that someone is playing me. with my hear. Truth or not... even the suspicion hurts me. I'm sorry Jason, but i must. and soon, i will see you, and settle it. I hate not knowing...even if my whole life's love has been a lie...I'd feel better knowing, then i can move on and stop dreaming. I really hope you are. that i may love you, that my time and heart have not been...wasted.
In any case... Good night, I'm out of here soon..
Love you..and I'm sorry.
-Ephy
26JAN11
Morning Jason, though my otter is probably sleeping, curled up next to another buff fur! *pinches* hehe...anywho, hope you slept well... hrrrm... I feel odd, my weight is now 166~168 lbs. dropped quite a bit, and improved my PT lots too. just haven't been working out as much the last few days. I keep wondering, hearing the Colonel and other people's words...that i can now be Army Strong, that i made it, and not everyone can do this. I feel the pride, trying to grow... I'll keep the seed, to aid me and flourish after I achieve a noticable life. A life that changed others'. I want to be remembered. for saving people, the world. I want all the future generations to know and e grateful of me. for them to know my story and yours. For the world to find out the love that sustained me through it all. I love you Jason Hunt.
Today, i shall become a U.S Citizen, and these ancient shackles about me will be destroyed. I will be free of my past, memories, though i shall never forget the lessons from them. I'll be a ...complete furry. Finally able to pursue my goals, and utilize all my abilities. I thank you for it also, J. Within a year, I will see you and tell you it all, myself. Today is also Family Day. I'll get a little sad and jealous here and there, but it'll be fun to be free of this BCT environment. mmm...pizza
I am an american Soldier
I am known as Ephemeral
I am a feline.
I am strong, disciplined and trained.
I am a newborn, with wisdom of the past scars.
I am your Keith Hunt.
Love,
-Keith
165th Brigade, 1st Battalion, 34th Infantry Regiment
Fort Jackson, South Carolina