Lonely
#1 of Shorts
So... It's been a while... a LONG while. But I find it hard to write about Rose and Luke now adays so heres one of the shorts I've been writing... If you guys want I can post the rest of them but be warned they're SHORTS... so I guess what I mean to say is they're short lol.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It happened again today. It never happens when I'm so busy that life dosent have a chance to catch up with me, let alone give me enough time to live said life. No. It happens during periods of rest. In those moments nestled in between moments where the interlude of a life put on stage just takes a break. That's when it hits. The feeling, the horrible empty and constantly growing feeling of lonelyness. How we each manage to fill the void varies from person to person of that I'm certain. My problem is I don't know how to fill it, so it just grows.
I live in that secretly growing dark place from time to time. Allow my fantasies to be just holding a persons hand, giving him a hug that's supposed to be a little more than just between friends, or just lying down next to thatsomeone. Not exactly just anyone. That special guy who wants to be there and lie down next to me. It may be juvinile or childish of me but this is where my dream land lives, in the middle of this absolute darkness the light of fantasy plays brilliantly, an act put before my eyes so vividly I can actually feel the warmpth of his body softly radiating into mine. I can smell the slight musk of him because only fools would cuddle in the middle of summer in southern California, but he did. With me. A small kiss on the back of his neck and I can taste the slight tinge of salt that can only come from another human being
But. For all my wildest and most intense imagination, for all my greatest fantasies I can never see his face. I've tried so many times and yet his face is still a mystery. Everytime I look everything becomes hazy, not just my vision in this relm but everything that connects me to this strange land becomes hazy, the taste of salt fades away, his slight musk turns to a smell of cotton, and his warmpth drains slowly away until I'm cold. Everytime I try to see his face my light inside the hidden darkness comes crashing down whether I'm just lying down to go to sleep in a bed that's a little too big for just me, in a room that's a little too cold without another person, and in a life that's a bit too streached for one man to fill. Or maybe I'm on a couch made perfectly for two to squeeze onto and snuggle...
Or maybe the couch is actually to small but the darkness puts on plays too, and now that too small couch is just perfect, the room that would ordinarily feel too hot for another person magically cools down to a magnificent temperature for another. And until the interlude ends, whether I fall asleep, get up from the couch to finish some household duty or a class begins and I'm awoken from the darkness to pay attention to the professor this is where I secretly dwell. I live in this festering wound like a bacteria, harmful to the flesh of my own conscience.
One day, when life begins to move again faster than I can manage to live it, faster than it allows me to catch my breath and I know that this dark place of lonelyness will continue to grow. Silently but it will multiply and as soon as I have another interlude in life, it will strike. Maybe then I can imagine in the light, and I'll be as beautiful as a rose. And my boyfriend will sparkle in my eyes like a gem. Fleeting but temporarily perfect