It's Always Sunny in Liberty City - The Gang Meets Jesus
Disclaimer: This is not an RP in the guise of a story; it's just in script format to make it easier to read what each character is saying. Also, various copyrighted names are used, and blah blah blah, I don't claim ownership of them, all usernames were used with permission, and Liberty City and anything else from the GTA universe belongs to Rockstar Games and whatnot. So enjoy! Or don't. But if you don't, you're probably an aging hippy douche who can't come to terms with his mortality and thus can't find any enjoyment in life and thus feels that everyone else should be as miserable as you. ^^
8:30 A.M.
The Penthouse...on a Saturday
Ghost of a Gray Fox: Yo. Kyle. Wake up. C'mon, get up already.
AW451 - Ugh, Jon leave me alone, it's a Saturday for fuck's sake.
Ghost - Hey, watch your language!
AW451 - O.~ DAD?!?
Ghost - Sup.
AW451- What the hell are you doing here? You're dead! ...or...no wait...I can stick my hand through you, you're still dead.
Ghost - Thanks for noticing.
AW451 - And holy crap, you're not bald either!
Ghost - Yes, yes...I look a lot different now.
AW451 - Okay...so what are you doing here?
Ghost - Well apparently real life is like that movie with Patrick Swayze, and so I'm stuck just walking around till I find the person that killed me.
AW451 - But that was you, remember? You tripped on anti-depressants and...
Ghost - Yes, I know. I'm surprised you didn't say, "Oh wow dad, you got your face back!"
AW451 - ....damn it, I totally should have said that.
Ghost - Anyway, I'm hear because I know what you and that Puerto Rican slut did in the back of my car.
AW451 - O.O Uhhh...that was a science experiment.
Ghost - Then why does my backseat still smell like clam juice?
AW451 - Mother of God face Wait....OMG you watched what I did? What kind of a sick fuck are you?
Ghost - Me?!? You're on a site where people draw picture of animals fucking!
AW451 - Touché. Alright, well I'm sure you'll go away once whatever drugs Jon put in my screwdriver last night wears off.
Ghost - I don't think it works that way.
AW451 - Sure it does, watch this. HEY JON! C'mere a moment.
NightWolfz - shouting from living room couch Whhaaaaat? I'm trying to sleep.
AW451 - Just get in here already!
NW- What Ky-....oh hey Kyle's dad!
AW451 - Wait, you can see him too?
NW- Yeah! He came around after I dropped a few of those LSD strips into my beer.
AW451 - Aha, I knew it!
Ghost - He was tripping balls when I got here, it's not the drugs.
AW451 - Jon did you put some in my vodka without telling me?
NW- Maybeh. >.>
AW451 - Great. Alright, well dad it's been fun but I'm gonna go puke and detox right now. Heads off to bathroom
Ghost and Jon follows
Sylvr - Hey guys, keep it down will yah? I'm trying to sleep off last night's bender, okay?
NW - Sorry, Kyle's just trying to get his dad to go home.
Sylvr - Dude, Kyle's dad has been dead for like a year now...what are you...notices Ghost rummaging through the fridge...which has been left open HOLY CRAP! BURGLAR!
Ghost - Alright who left this friggin' thing open? Do you kids have any idea how much electricity your wasting?
Sylvr - Grabs .45 Colt and shoots Ghost, only for bullet to pass through him, ricochet off of freezer door, and come back and hit Jon in the head
Ghost - Whoa!
NW - Dead
AW451 - Bursts out of bathroom What the hell? OMG! Jim, what the shit man?
Sylvr - Sorry, I was shooting that burglar over there!
AW451 - That's not a burglar! That's a shared hallucination we're having from the acid Jon put in all of our booze last night!
Sylvr -Well nobody told me...
Ghost - Pokes Jon's corpse Ooohhh.....yeah I know that feeling. You wouldn't think losing a big chunk of your brain would hurt that much, but god damn does it smart.
AW451, Sylvr - Silent stares
Ghost - Stretches arms Well...I guess it's about time I hit the dusty trail. I'll just uhh...see myself out over here. Later guys.
Product59, Yukigo Kurosaki - Walk out of their rooms and come to inspect what's going on
P59 - Damn it Jim, do you have to fire guns this early in the morn...oh...holy mother of crap. Dude you killed Jon!
Sylvr - It was an accident, I shot at Kyle's dad's ghost thinking he was a burglar.
YK - Dude, ghosts aren't real, you were probably tripping from that acid Jon gave you guys last night.
Sylvr - WHY DOES EVERYONE KNOW ABOUT THIS ACID BUT ME?
P59 - Wait, what acid? Did Jon get into my stash again?
AW451 - He pretty much used it all last night. I was only aware of it after I started seeing things and decided to sleep it off.
P59 - Sonuva bitch!
YK - Well, what should we do with his body?
AW451 - sighs Let's just open a window again. Yuki give me a hand here.
YK - Why me? Jim's stronger.
AW451 - Not at the moment, he's barely able to stand up from his hangover.
Sylvr - Bullcrap, I can walk just fi- * face plants the floor*
YK - Okay, I see your point.
Yuki and Arctic drag Jon's corpse into Arctic's bedroom and open a window
AW451 - Alright, and grunt upsidaisy!
YK - God, for a dead guy grunt he sure weighs grunt a ton.
AW451 - And...there!
Jon's corpse falls out of the window...and his big toe snags the draw cord on Yuki's sleep pants, pulling him out the window too
YK - Whoa!
AW451 - Oh god, Yuki!
YK - FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHH-
Ghost - Standing at the curb patting himself down Oh balls, I left my cellphone inside again.
YK - Crashes onto car next to Ghost.
Ghost - JESUS!
Jesus - Yes?
Ghost - Dude, did you see that? Some blue fox kid just fell on that car there!
Jesus - Wow, so he did. checks iPad Huh, looks like my dad can't bar his entry to the afterlife even though he was an atheist.
Ghost - Why not?
Jesus - Because apparently he bet his soul in some sort of wager with your son. Alright, let's get this show on the road. I gotta help Steve finish refurbishing our server room today.
Ghost - Steve? Steve who?
Steve Jobs - Yelling from the window of a Ford Explorer Hey Jesus! Where am I supposed to park this thing bro?
Jesus - Just keep circling the block, I'll be done in a minute!
SJ - Oh come on! Ghost gas is like $3.55 a gallon and I'm down to a quarter tank here.
Jesus - Claps hands There, you're good.
SJ - Notices gas meter is now reading a full tank Aw rock me Amadeus!
Amadeus Mozart - sitting in passenger seat You got it! hits power button on stereo, causing it to play "Won't Get Fooled Again."
Stereo - YEEEEAAAAAHHHH! guitar riff
Jobs and Mozart drive down the block
Ghost - Huh, you know sometimes I wonder if I'm really dead...or just tripping balls.
Jesus - smacks Ghost upside the head That answer your question?
Ghost - Ow! Yeah, I get it. But why's my name still "Ghost?" We already established I'm Arctic's dad.
Jesus - Oh, right. snaps fingers There, that better?
Arctic's Dad's Ghost - Kinda...although now it's a tad verbose.
Jesus - We'll fix that in edit, okay. Right now, I gotta take this dead kid's soul to your son before Steve rounds the corner again.
ADG - Can't you just cause a traffic accident one block over to slow him down?
Jesus - Nah, that's more of my dad's thing. I'm the problem solver in my family.
ADG - Gotcha.
Jesus - pulls Yuki's soul from his corpse And up and at 'em Daniel.
YK - Jesus Christ! I'm dead! ....and somehow I'm aware of this fact! :O
Jesus - Yes...I know you're dead. Heck, I watched you trash some poor sap's Camry.
YK - ...wait...Jesus? O.O
Jesus - Sup.
YK - Umm...hi. nervous smile You're not mad at me for the whole blowjob joke thing are you?
Jesus - Nah, I don't hold grudges. Besides, you're the one who just fell out of the 50th story window of the penthouse suite in Arctic's apartment building, I think you've been punished enough.
YK - Ah, cool, cool. So can you do that whole raising me from the dead thing?
Jesus - Wish I could, but your soul now belongs to Arctic.
YK - I-I'm sorry...what?
Jesus - Remember that wager you had with him 13 months, nine hours, twenty-three minutes ago?
YK - Flashes back to distant Skype convo
Yuki_Kurosaki - And that's why God can't exist and why I'm an atheist.
ArcticWolf451 - You sound pretty sure of yourself. I'll make you a bet, if there's an afterlife and you're wrong, I get your soul.
Yuki_Kurosaki - What if I'm right? What do I get then?
ArcticWolf451 - Inner peace.
Yuki_Kurosaki - Hmm, alright. Deal.
ArcticWolf451 - Sweet! Thinking to self Sucker!
YK - Ooohhhhh. Fuck.
Jesus - face palms Yuki Watch the language.
YK - flails and falls to ground
Jesus - sighs Alright, let's go.
YK - Hey, if I'm a ghost now, can I fly?
Jesus - No.
YK - Aww, c'mon! Please?
Jesus - It's not my decision, it a metaphysical law of the universe my dad made.
YK - Your dad's kind of a buzzkill isn't he?
Jesus - Only when it involves glow sticks and gay orgies with more than 10 people.
YK - Say what?
Jesus - Ever hear of Sodom and Gomorrah?
YK - Oooohhh...yeah. ....waaaaaiiiiiit...they had glow sticks back then?
Jesus - Well, torches. They're sticks that glow, what more do you want? takes Yuki up to Penthouse and knocks on door
AW451 - Answers Oh hey guys! Yuki, I see you've come to make good on our bet.
YK - Do I have a choice?
Jesus - Depends on if you like sharing a cell with Mengele or not.
YK - I don't have a choice.
AW451 - Exactly. Thanks Jesus.
Jesus - Oh, before I go Kyle, did you find an intangible Samsung Galaxy S phone anywhere in there?
AW451 - Yeah, I figured it was my dad's but since it's a ghost phone I couldn't touch it.
Jesus - No problem, I got it. takes phone off kitchen counter and then heads over to open window Later guys. Floats down to street on a double rainbow
YK - Hey! I thought he said ghosts can't fly?
AW451 - They can't, but he's not a ghost, remember?
YK - Then what is he, a zombie?
AW451 - ...remind me to explain the basics of how the afterlife works again, okay?
Sylvr - Arctic who are you talking to?
AW451 - Yuki's ghost, can't you...oh right. You can't see him because his soul only belongs to me.
Sylvr - Ah, still tripping on the acid I see. You might wanna go to the doctor and detox or something, it should've worn off by now.
P59 - Heads up bronies, I got a wicked western omelet over here that'll be done in two minutes! Get the non-alcoholic fruit cocktails and plastic dinner cutlery!
YK - What's he been smoking?
AW451 - Nothing, he's just Jewish.
YK - That explains the potato pancakes and self-balancing checkbook.
Sylvr - Hey Arctic come here! There's some bird pecking at Yuki's corpse.
YK - WHAT?! runs over to window and pokes head out Hey! Quit pecking my eyeballs you stupid bitch! falls out window again
AW451 - Oh crap...not again.
YK - hits ground and bounces rag-doll style
AW451- Hey Yuki! You okay?
YK - I'm dead!
AW451 - Turns to Sylvr He's okay, don't worry.
Sylvr - Alright, seriously we're going to the hospital before this gets any worse.
AW451 -Nyeh! Hey, get your paws off me dumbass!
Sylvr - No, we're getting your stomach pumped and your blood dialysised before you try to go flying without an F-15.
P59 - Holds up a frying pan Foods! Sylvr, just tie him to the Lazy-Boy till he calms down and have some chow, a'ight?
Sylvr - Fine, just let me go get the rope from my bedroom.
AW451 - Why in god's name would you keep rope in there?
Sylvr - I don't know, so you can make some sort of autoerotic asphyxiation joke or something?
AW451 - ...yes?
Sylvr - Alright then.
AW451 - That doesn't answer the question.
P59 - Give it a rest dude. We got eggs!
Sylvr - Why'd you have to put the bell peppers in there.
P59 - Kyle likes the bell peppers.
Sylvr - So let him have bell peppers on the side!
YK - Walks back in Kyle do we have any ghost aspirin?
AW451 - I don't know. Just drink some vodka with lemon, that's the thing.
Sylvr - Why would I drink vodka with lemon? Although...that does sound pretty good.
AW451 - No dude, I'm talking to...I mean...yeah. I know it's kinda early for booze, but it'll help clear our thoughts.
Sylvr - Good enough for me. Reuben, bust out the Smirnov.
P59 - Fuck that, Kettle One is better!
Sylvr - That's the expensive stuff for when we have guests!
P59 - Listen to us, we sound like a middle aged gay couple. Since when do we have house guests?
Sylvr - Well...umm...when Yuki had that call girl.
P59 - Jon killed her two seconds after she entered the foyer.
Sylvr - Huh, good point. Alright fine, bust out the good stuff. Hey should we drink to our dead friends?
AW451 - Sure why not. takes shot of Kettle One. Here's to Yuki, the dumbest SOB I ever fucked.
YK - HEY!
Sylvr- spits Pfffhh! The fuck?
AW451 - What? ...not like that you idiot, I fucked him over by having him toss Jon out the window instead of you.
Sylvr - So you're saying you'd rather have me be dead right now?
AW451 - Hell no. You're not dumb enough to let a dead body drag you out the window with it.
YK - I can still hear you motherfucker! I'm gonna piss on your face tonight while you're sleeping.
AW451 - You can't drink, what are you gonna pee Yuki?
P59 - Dude, Kyle's doing it again.
AW451 - Guys, just trust me on this. Yuki's ghost is right there, and I can only see him cause I made a bet with him and now I own his soul. Simple as that.
Sylvr -You can't trade your soul, that's just stupid.
AW451 - Yes, it is. That's cause you can and shouldn't.
YK - Damn right.
AW451 - Oh hush Yuki, if it weren't for me you'd be getting blowjob from a Venus flytrap right now.
Sylvr - e.o
AW451 - Yeah. It'd suck. And not in a good way.
YK - Well what am I supposed to do now that I'm dead?
AW451 - Tell yah what, if you stop talking and making my friends think I'm crazy, I'll take you out today for something I'll know you'll enjoy.
YK - Kay.
Sylvr - Kyle, for the last time there is no one...
AW451 - Ice bein fox dick!
Sylvr - You just said you're a...
AW451 - No you.
Sylvr - ........ beans Arctic with the Kettle One bottle
AW451 - blacks out
Later that afternoon
YK - Why are we at an all girls Catholic school?
AW451 - Two words; gym class.
YK - You don't mean...
AW451 - Oh yeah. Trust me, due to the strict rules and constant state of following a tight doctrine day in and day out, most Catholic girls are repressed to the point of being the kinkiest thing you can put in your bed besides a 10 year old garden hose.
YK - Balloney...Christians are always a bunch of tight ass pricks.
AW451 - Only on the outside. Most of the girls I grew up with discovered masturbation after Twilight came out and Jacob Black made their no-no parts feel tingly.
YK - ...no way.
AW451 - And as for the ones that don't like Twilight, they always find some other fetish. Like my friend Lydia, she's a dommy wolfess who likes bondage and mild torture with whips and canes despite being so Catholic she gives up meat on Fridays.
YK - HOT DAMN!
AW451 - Unfortunately for you...she's still alive.
YK - Awww...
AW451 - Anyway, get in there and go bust a nut!
YK - Wait...can I still do that?
AW451 - Don't know till you try.
Ten minutes later
YK - Standing in empty shower stall watching a pair of underage girls make out in the stall across from him Dude, this is better than YouPorn.
Lesbian 1 - sticks head out of stall Hey Brenda, are we still on for that orgy after lacrosse practice on Thursday?
Brenda - Yeah, as long we do it at Kayla's place since her carpets already smell like tuna and have colorful stains on them from that New Year's party a while back.
YK - Oh god... faps and suddenly jizzes hard enough to give facial to lesbian couple across from him
Lesbian 2 - Ack! God Britney, did you have to sneeze right in my face?
Lesbian 1 - But I didn't sneeze...
Lesbian 2 - Then what the heck is this stuff?
Lesbian 1 - sniffs Ewww, it's all sticky and smells musky.
YK - Huh, so that's how ghosts make ectoplasm. ...oh my god what was Dan Akroyd thinking when he made Ghost Busters?!? :O
Back at the Penthouse that night
AW451 - So, d'yah have a good time in the showers?
YK - Too good. I learned a nifty ghost trick I can do. :3
AW451 - Oh really? What?
YK - It's a secret. But let's just say I hope you breathe through your nose when you sleep.
AW451 - Why's that?
YK - No reason.
END