Cold Christmas (Part 1)
Jamie stared out the window as the snow slowly made the end of its long cold journey to the ground. A knowing happy smile on the young fox's face as it lay gently upon his open hands despite the faint tinge of a tear welling in his eye. Knees pulled up to his chest, he sat there in Terry's beat up old red hoody and a loose pair of jeans. Joe Pug playing in the back ground while his eyes played around with their reflection.
"Hey, can you hear over that?" Terry said as he slipped into the room. His hand still holding the doorknob with his gaze catching his younger brother sitting there upon his bed. It seemed Jamie was in there more and more, listening to the overwhelming sound resounding from the stereo system Terry had so painstakingly assembled over the years. Their mother had demanded that the two of them spend half the summer padding the walls and insulating the room so that the whole house didn't have to listen to what the boys wanted to play. They had a game then of sharing music, but since then, Jamie wasn't ready to let the game end.
"Jamie, let's go. Dinner's ready," continued the taller fox as he made his way in further and took a seat just behind his brother. The clouded window pane there in front of the young boy. Terry, adorned in a fine sweater their mother had given him the previous Christmas, reached out and laid a hand on his brother's back. A soft sigh would escape the sulking figure. Head lowering and a red sleeve, a bit too long for young arms, raised to Jamie's nose and wiped it before both hands flipped up the hood as if it could shut out the world around him.
"Look, I'll be back, okay? It's just for a little while." There was clearly resentment in the older fox's voice. His hand shifting up and down the curved back beside him in idle comfort, perhaps for them both. Terry's eyes stared blankly at the receiver in front of him. The music flowing through him as if flooding his emotions and his heart.
"You can keep the stereo too. Hell, you can have my room. You and Vinnie can play in here wherever you want." Terry's voice rose with playful excitement and encouragement as if trying to turn the whole situation around as if trying, though in vain effort, to make things into another game. "I won't mind. Just..." The cold reality slid like a slow spear made of ice into Terry's heart. He lowered his face towards his lap though his hand continued to rub his brother's back.
"You're not being replaced, okay? I still love you, you know I do. That's what it is, right? Things are just..."
"Different now, I know." Terry subtly shivered as his brother's unexpected voice broke the tension. "You're married now. You have to leave. You have to leave me, mom and dad. You have to go with her to some other place and I can't come. I know." That already soiled sleeve rose to his nose once more in attempt to clear it again, patting his eyes as well beneath the veil of the hood.
They sat in silence for a little while letting the current song play out. Terry always forgot the name; just that it was the one he always teased Jamie about. He used to tell him it reminded him of when Jamie was born and how he knew they'd be friends forever. How they would be inseparable and were meant for great things so long as they stuck together through everything.
Terry could hear Jamie openly crying now. Leaning over, he'd spot the telltale signs of darkening spots fall upon the dark red fabric of the hoodie.
"Shit Jamie...don't," he whispered and leaned in. Taking the small fox in his arms and holding him close. Jamie's body seemed willing enough and fell back against him. Now Terry's eyes were welling up a bit as his mind and memories punished him for vowing to commit his life for anyone but the one who'd been closest to him for so long.
Jamie cried for some time longer. Neither of them saying a word as the young fox's mind made forced realizations of what was and what was to come. The fact he could not keep his brother forever and the knowledge that his childhood and the years he spent playing with his older brother in the powdered snow that would fall all around them. The crisp fall leaves that they'd pile high and run through. The warm summer sun and the cool waters they'd seek to refresh themselves. The flowers on the budding trees and the first chance each year to lie upon the fresh green grass.
Jamie's sad face said it all. Each tear was attached to another memory, another promise. Falling and lost forever. Terry couldn't hide the fact that he felt like crying himself. He would hold his brother's covered head against his chest in close comfort. The album starting over again on repeat as the sound resumed around them after a brief silence. It was a gentle, soothing comfort and Terry knew he wouldn't have been able to withstand the deafening quiet right then should the music end for good.
Beyond that room, the rest of the family went about the house in idle fashion. Trying to take their minds off the boys upstairs, not daring to interrupt the pair. They had all noticed Jamie's melancholy behavior and knew Terry had to face his brother and get everything out. The food could spoil and go rotten if need be if only to give them enough time to reach one another.
Since even before the wedding, the whole family could see Jamie seeming to distance himself more and more from everyone. However, since Jamie refused to talk about, all anyone could assume was that the boy was growing upset that his brother was leaving. They each had offered comfort, but the closer they got to the truth, the more upset the young fox became. Now it was the night of Christmas Eve and Jamie's family only wished they could find a way to reach him and put an end to his melancholy remorse.
The power of emotion built up steadily in Jamie's chest until he could bare it no more. "No! I hate this room! Leave me alone!" he exclaimed and pushed the other fox hard in the chest, forcing him against the bed.
Something inside of Terry wanted to reach out and stop Jamie from leaving. Grasp him and not let him go, but the older fox simply put his hand to his face and cried quietly as he listened to Jamie run down the stairs and hastily make his way out the front door, slamming it behind him. Terry's other hand reached for the remote. He took it in a tight grip and placed his thumb over the power button, but found himself unable to turn the music off. Not until his wife entered the room, followed by his parents, would he be able to face the overwhelming silence that he and his brother had created within that room, together.
***
Out in the cold dark unforgiving night, a young fox wearing only an old red hoody and raged pair of jeans breathed heavily and wiped his face clean as it glistened with the moonlight upon streams of tears. Burnt orange fur on the back of a hand would be revealed as it forcibly pulled the hood free of his head as if trying to cast unwanted thoughts aside. Taking a deep breath, Jamie began to look around a bit. His thoughts had been running around in his mind so loudly that he had blocked out the world around him since before he'd left the front door. He hadn't gone as far as he'd imagined though. He could still see their house not more than a hundred feet away. The welcoming light was beckoning him to return, but making him ever more uncomfortable and unwilling.
"You okay Jamie?" said a familiar voice over the cold winter wind. A voice that often filled Jamie's heart with happiness and joy, but now only brought shame and discomfort. With an unwelcoming shrug and a quick fix of his clothes, Jamie turned away from the approaching figure of a green iguana with rather subtle and soft features for a reptile. Any other time, the fox would have been overjoyed at such a nice surprise, but as he stood there he seemed to make the air around his silhouette even colder.
"Vincent? What do you want?" At first Jamie's voice sounded surprised, but that quickly turned to disgust and hate as his emotions toyed with him. He wanted everyone and everything to simply go away, wanting nothing of the reality he had to eventually face. Evil whispers created an image in his mind of the horror that he believed in his heart was yet to come which was a sadness and loneliness that had terrified him into keeping his secret for so long. Such thoughts built up a hatred that was hard for his soft heart to bear. Not just for Vincent, Terry or his wife, but for himself as well and the feelings he'd buried inside. Feelings that he had kept to himself even before the lizard had come into his life. In recent months, Jamie had felt this underlying emotion that he'd be punished for giving in to what his heart desired, to tell Vincent how he felt. Now, nothing could seem like a more befitting scene. Here was Vincent after the fox had just run out on his family. In his anger and chaotic state of emotion he would likely deny Vincent as well, take it out on him and never see the lizard again. Why not? After all, he'd done it to himself.
"Just go away," Jamie finally continued, sulking and turning to walk away to ignore the comfort of a familiar face. The fox tried to pretend he didn't notice the way his cheeks seemed to flush beneath his fur. Cursing his body for such a betrayal. His ears would flick, listening for the crunch of footsteps to follow him, but instead heard only silence. Soon the desire to turn and look back was practically beating him over the head and he simply had to give in if only to play it off as telling the lizard to leave once more.
When Jamie did finally look back, he saw Vincent still standing there in silence. The wind blowing at what looked to be a fake fur lined hood laid back upon the shoulders of a rather thick and heavy winter coat. The lizard's usual green scales were pink along his cheeks and bare head as the winter placed its hand upon him. The heavy blue and brown coat would keep Vincent's bare flesh warm, but the fox knew lizards were very uncomfortable in the cold.
"Tell me what's really going on," said the lizard as he stood there, fighting off the urge to shiver as the bitter cold danced against his exposed scales like tiny ice icicles. The words still felt warm even through the chilling breeze, firm and sincere as they rose like smoke from Vincent's lips.
Jamie didn't know how to respond at first. For a moment, it were as though both his true feelings and the desire to push away the truth were both approaching one another head on and there was nothing to stop the imminent and horrific collision. As the fox stood there, he turned and looked back with a stupid look of blank thought until the chill of reality creeping around his neck made him shiver awake once more.
"Why are you even here?" Jamie half barked back at the figure some yards away behind him. His fears were taking over and pushing him to become angry and scared as he denied the topic and attempted to change places in this inquisition. He sniffled a little and cleared his nose once more; the cold air was taking over where his tears had left off as his nose continued to run.
"For Christmas dinner. It was supposed to be a surprise, but I had to stop and get you something," Vincent said calmly enough as he stood there in the snow. Other than his feet shuffling a little back and forth to keep warm beneath his boots and thick socks, he stayed perfect still as he spoke. He wanted to smile at the fox, but the lizard could almost feel what was going through the poor boy's mind. It was something he was familiar with and it was never easy for anyone, especially alone.
Jamie stood there as he kept thinking up new things to bark back at his friend while the fear inside twisted his stomach in knots. His thoughts were mostly hateful things that he really wouldn't mean, but would get the point across that he wanted to be left alone. The worse his thoughts became, the harder it got to hold back that flood of tears again. He was realizing the words weren't for Vincent, but for himself.
A sudden rush of hatred came forcing itself up like a sick vomit through Jamie's trembling lips. "Go away! Fuck you! You think you can just come over here!? Well you can't! I didn't ask you to and I don't want you to! Get out of my life! Go! I fucking hate you!"
The words just came without reason. Empty and hallow no matter how jagged they seemed. Jamie felt sick for saying them. Having said what he did pushed him to cry even more, blurring his vision as the salty water dripped past his lips. He felt sick. His head would drop and his body would sulk as the tears pierced small holes in the snow. His whimpering and sniffing the only sounds above the swirling wind.
They stood there without either speaking. Jamie felt so alone, clearing his nose over and over on those darkened sleeves. The thought of throwing up making him feel even more disgusted.
That's when a snow ball hit him hard in the chest. Then another.
Jamie gazed at the snow crumbling to the ground from the impression of a circle upon his chest. When he looked up, he saw Vincent standing there making another snowball as he worked it numbly between his thick gloves.
"What the fuck?" Jamie wasn't sure how to respond at first. His eyes had to blink away the tears a bit while he felt the anger inside stir up again, wanting his friend to take the situation seriously. "Go away," repeated the fox with a scowl on his lips. Brushing the snow from the featureless hoodie, his voice was softer now. Whining and weak from deep within a defeated heart.
"What if I didn't come here for you? Huh? What then?" replied Vincent before throwing another ball of snow against the fox's chest as the soft smirk that Jamie had come to love began to grow across the lizard's lips.
"What?" Jamie's words of dumbfounded curiosity were staggered briefly by the impact.
"Your family invited me. Your brother called me this morning. He said you'd appreciate it. I guess he was wrong, but whatever. I'm hungry."
As the lizard started to create yet another snowball, the fox began to march back towards him. Sneering with anger in denial of the tears on his face, it looked as though Jamie was ready to tear Vincent's head off. His heart pounding as it raced with rage. That smirk of Vincent's turning into an uncomfortable smile.
"You think this is fucking funny?" Jamie shouted as his hands forcibly pushed the lizard back, causing Vincent to stagger a bit and drop the half made mound of snow from his gloves.
"No. I think your being stupid and selfish," Vincent replied. His expression still calm, but his voice was firm.
"What the fuck do you know? Get the fuck out of here already and stop playing around!" Jamie shouted as he pushed again and again while Vincent was being forced back each time until he had a high wooden fence against his back. His own tears were starting to appear in his eyes as his heart strained at this display of irrational emotion.
A cold gloved hand struck Jamie's face from out of nowhere. The fox's eyes lit up in surprise and he stared blankly at the lizard. It was then that Jamie finally noticed the glistening wet trails running down Vincent's cheeks and the image sank in like a heavy weight dropped upon his chest. Jamie panted a bit to catch his breath and listened for the words to come to explain the scene, but they would seem like forever in coming. When they finally did and Vincent spoke, Jamie would try to keep out the thoughts that the world had seeded his mind with while his heart forced him to listen.
"Your brother called me. He knows. He thinks we make a cute couple and is proud for us both." Vincent's eyes seemed to shoot their gaze right through Jamie's head. The lizard was more serious than the fox had ever seen him.
"He was going to surprise you with this." The lizard reached into his pocket and fished out a thin piece of rainbow colored plastic with an equal sign in the middle. "It's a window decal. He wants put it on his car. He asked me to get some for your parents too, but I couldn't find any more on such short notice. That's why I'm late."
Blind with tears, Jamie staggered a few feet away and grasped a nearby tree for support. This new truth was overwhelming as it forced the young fox to look back on everything he'd done in fear of retribution. Every fight and every word of hatred towards those who have accepted him replayed in his mind. It was now Jamie was rapidly realizing that if he had simply told the truth the day he met Vincent, he could have avoided all the confusion and misguided angst he'd felt for so long. The fox realized it was true there might still be those who might not accept who he was, but those that loved him would still love him and that was all that matter.
Jamie's fingers clawed at the old tree as he crouched beside it, covering the snow with the contents of his stomach. Stream was rising in air from the mess just as a comforting hand was placed against the fox's back once more. Though he knew it belonged to Vincent, he could help but think how much it felt like his brother's. A hand that would always be there for him no matter what.
"Come on. Let's get you inside," said Vincent, his gloved hands clasping the fox's shoulders and helping him to his feet. He ignored the mess on the ground and tried his best not to breathe in the acrid scent.
It was clear to the both of them that Jamie had it all wrong this whole time and would need a little longer to adjust his mind and his heart to accept the truth. He would be welcome and never driven away from the ones that he cared for the most; Vincent and his brother had shown him that and the lizard's comforting grin gave Jamie hope that everything would be okay.