Dance of Pride
Dance of Pride by Rahne Kallon
***
"Ian! Ian!" a pleasantly familiar voice calls out to me the moment I enter the Student Union. Several voices, actually. When I look to confirm their owners, my tail wags to find that it's Jamie, Sam, and Rally. I quickly smile and wave to them as I make my way through the bustling crowd of students filling up the Union.
"Hey, boys," I say, jumping like a happy Border Collie onto the couch next to my Golden Retriever boyfriend.
Jamie giggles and licks my cheek with an eager wag. "Nice of you to join us."
"What's going on? I thought you guys were still in class," I ask, surprised to even find them here.
"Nah, class ended early. Everyone's getting ready for Pride Week tomorrow," Sam says with a good deal more enthusiasm than he usually shows.
I lay back and chuckle at the Dobie. "Pride Week? You're actually going?"
"Of course, silly mutt." Rally giggles with a wag of his own, flamboyantly flashing his newly-pink bangs. "Half of Toronto's gonna be there." The Dalmatian grins at me.
"Exactly, and what would Pride be like without its star Dobie in attendance?" Sam gestures like the cocky bastard that he is, prompting snickers from both Jamie and Rally.
"Not only that, but guess who is dancing on one of the floats." Jamie proudly declares, running a paw through his blond hair.
"You've gotta be kidding..." I remark, slightly blown away as I look at my Golden.
"Nope. I'll literally be dancing on top of the float through the whole parade." He smiles happily while rapidly slapping the couch with his tail.
Sam shifts on the couch and ruffles Jamie's hair. "Yup, Goldie here managed snag a sweet deal while Rally and I will just be hanging out at the bottom of the float."
"Heh. Have fun, guys," I say somewhat dismissively, even though I genuinely am happy for them.
"Actually..." Jamie says, "I was hoping you'd dance on top of the float with me." He smiles again.
"...What?" I arch a brow before quickly sitting at attention.
"Well, yeah," the Golden continues, "Dancing on top of a float would be fun and all, but dancing with my boyfriend would be amazing," he says, reaching out to run his fingers along the black fur of my cheek.
I glare at him. "You want me to dance...in the parade? On top of a float?"
"Uh oh, here we go," Rally remarks in a way that tells me he was already expecting my resistance.
"Well, yeah..." Jamie's smile turns from a bright and beaming one to a hopeful and pleading one. "It's Pride, after all, and... what better time than Pride to dance with your boyfriend on top of a parade float? I can't think of anything better." He licks my nose. "I've been waiting for the right moment to ask you."
"I don't think so, Jamie. You guys go have a good time, but count me out." I shake my head. Jamie whines slightly.
"Really, dude?" Rally says, giving me a disapproving glare of his own.
"For fuck's sake, Ian." Sam gangs up on me, too. "Come on, it's a once in a year event."
"Yeah, and one I could do without. I don't like pride parades."
Jamie sighs and lowers his head. "You don't have to be like that, you know? You love dancing with me, Ian..."
"I do, but I'm not doing it at a goddamn pride parade."
"Ian, what the fuck is your problem?" Sam snaps at me, looking like he's ready to jump off the couch and throttle me. "This really meant a lot to him."
"Yeah, dude, Jamie was really looking forward to this," Rally adds.
"Okay, but did anyone stop to consider my feelings, first?" I raise my voice a little louder than I should, attracting unwanted attention from a few other students in the Union. I shouldn't even be having this argument with them. I have the fucking right to say no.
"I didn't think you'd act like such a dick..." Jamie says, slouching into the couch. He looks disappointed...or upset. I can't tell which. "What's so wrong with pride parades?"
"Do tell, please," Sam throws in.
"How about...they're counter-productive to the gay community, as a whole? How about they send off the completely wrong message to straight people? What the hell are they supposed to see when they look in the street and see a bunch of silly faggots dancing around in their underwear and flaunting themselves their with their 'proud-to-be-queer' attitudes? Does that look like a community asking for acceptance? It makes us look like freaks."
"Dude, did you forget that we live in Canada? In Toronto?" Rally proclaims. "We have more gay rights than practically any other place on the planet. We can marry, we can adopt, we can do whatever the hell we want, because this is fucking Canada," he practically yells at me. "We don't have to worry about what straight people think, because we're not constantly hiding in fear or fighting for our rights. We've earned the right to parade in the streets, acting like idiots if we want to, especially when it's not hurting anyone. I thought you knew that."
That Dalmatian is so profound with his matter-of-fact lecture. "So, is that why you prance around like the flaming faggot that you are, Rally?" I throw back at him, irritated, now.
"No." He looks me dead in the eyes. "I do it because it's who I am. I don't have to hide or pretend to be something I'm not. Not here. We're fucking lucky to live in this country, in this city, and we deserve to have fun with it."
"Sorry, Spotty, I disagree, and I'm not gonna fucking debate with you," I say angrily. Rally scoffs and rolls his eyes in a way that's very out of character for him. I really see him this fiery, and I don't mean flaming this time.
"Even so, Ian, not all pride parades are like that," Sam proclaims, more calmly." They don't always have naked guys dancing around or showing off their kinks in public. Sure, there are some parades that do that, but they're not all the the same. So why not stop acting like a prick and try have some fun?" He tries to smile, but I can tell even he is annoyed at me.
"Yeah, well enough parades do it that I don't want any part in it."
"...Is that what you really think, Ian?" Jamie finally asks, looking at me with those big green eyes of his, almost like a puppy. "That...we're all just...a bunch of silly faggots hurting the community?"
Suddenly...I feel like shit. The heartbroken look on my boyfriend's face tells me that I've hurt him. A lot. Like a fucking idiot, I've gone way too far. And now I...don't even know what to say to him. A heavy sigh escapes my lips as I turn my head to glance at a couple Huskies setting up some rainbow banners on the stairs. It's all I can do to avoid looking Jamie in the face again and feeling even worse...which I probably deserve.
"I never thought you could say something like that..." he finally says, ending our compounding silence. I can tell he wants to cry just from the sound of his broken voice. I still don't know what to say to him.
"So you don't wanna dance with me..." He sighs again in sharp gasps. "Won't you at least show up and...support me? See the show?"
Just hearing his plea with that voice causes my vision to flood slightly, forcing me to close my eyes as I try to find the right words. "I'm sorry, Jamie..." I eventually say with a heavy voice, wiping a couple tears from my cheek. "I just...can't."
"I see..." Jamie replies, taking a deep breath through sorted tears. I don't have to look at him to know he's crying. "Well...that's okay. You don't have to."
My eyes are shut tightly, and my paw is constantly dabbing at my eyes now.
"Jamie..." I hear Sam trying to comfort him.
"It's alright. I shouldn't have pressured him," the Retriever says.
"I still think you're wrong, Ian," Rally remarks. I don't respond.
"Let it go, Rally. We obviously can't change his mind," Sam says.
By this time, I'm through wiping my face, and my eyes are a little dry.
"Looks like it's four o' clock...we should...probably get moving if we want to meet up with Ethan and Shawn," the Dobie announces, nodding along with Rally. I feel the shift in the couch as both dogs get up from it.
"Jamie?" Rally asks.
"You guys go on ahead...I'll catch up," the Golden replies.
"Alright." Sam nods. "We'll see you later, Ian...hope you change your mind." Sam smiles hopefully at me.
"Try not to be a stranger, Mutty," Rally says, ruffling my hair. He gives me less of a smile than he usually does, but it's still a smile, despite the argument we had. Those dogs... they really are my best friends. Really forgiving, despite how I practically shredded their pride. I'm glad to have them.
"See you guys," I finally say with a deep breath, waving them off as they leave.
That just leaves me and Jamie on the couch, and we pretty much remain silent. That very awkward silence. I hate that.
"So why'd you stay behind?" I finally ask, turning to look at him for the first time in...I don't know how many minutes.
"I've gotta spend some time with my boyfriend, right?" he answers, feeling a bit better, though probably with a trace of bitterness.
No argument there. I just nod and sit back with him.
Then there's more of that awkward silence between us again, broken up only by the commotion of other students in the Union. I have to admit, they made the place look really nice; it's very colourful with rainbow flags, posters and banners draping over every staircase or wall. How appropriately...gay. It's a nice replacement to the normal blue and gold school colours I'm so used to. But it's not enough to ignore the uncomfortable stillness between me and Jamie.
"I never thought you could say those things, Ian. It hurt," he finally speaks up. And I feel like shit all over again.
"I didn't mean to hurt you..." I say, looking back at him with sorrowful light blue eyes.
"Could have fooled me. You were pretty vicious back there."
"Let me make it up to you." I turn on the couch, grabbing one of his golden paws into mine and giving it an affectionate squeeze, the kind of tender squeeze he always likes. Meanwhile my other paw lightly travels down the creases of his blue shirt, a tiny smile forming on my face as I admire how much the colour really compliments his golden fur in addition to those white shorts. I want to see him smile; I wanna see that adorable smile that I love so much. But nothing seems to be doing much for him, and I feel my own smile fading.
"Make it up to me?" he asks, looking straight into my eyes with those sweet green hues of his own.
"Yeah." I squeeze again, hopeful. In an ironic turn, I'm the one with the hopeful and pleading smile, now.
"What are you doing after this?" he asks, curiously.
"After this, I'm...swinging by my dad's shop to drop off the comic I borrowed. After that, I was gonna go home and...try to finish that poster I've been working on for Golden Eagle Books."
Jamie just nods, but doesn't say anything. I don't know what if that's a good thing or a bad thing. He gives my paw the same affectionate squeeze before letting go and getting up from the couch, to my surprise. "Jamie..." Before I can say anything else, he cups my cheek and silences me with a kiss. It's a nice kiss. As always, I enjoy the sweet mingling of our tongues until he pulls back.
"See you later, Ian." I catch only faintest hint of a smile before the welcoming touch of his fingers slip away as he takes off.
And he's gone.
I feel like crying again, but I try not to. I don't even know if he's still upset, but I know him well enough to know he's probably still unhappy. And it's my fault, which is enough to make me fall to pieces.
I originally came into the Union to give that comic another read, but right now I just...I just want to get out of here.
A quick bus ride that isn't quick enough gets me to the Eaton Mall, and I make my way toward Red Circle Comics.
"Ian, hey," my dad greets me with a smile as I walk into his shop. I love coming here; it's so relaxing, and easy-going and the atmosphere is perfect for comic nerds like me, Jamie, Sam and Rally. I usually take a moment to admire the red decor that adorns most of the shop, but I'm just not feeling up to that now.
"Hey, Dad." I nod and set the comic on the counter in front of him.
"So, what'd you think?" he asks curiously, whipping his tail in anticipation for my response.
"It was okay," I say, a bit anti-climatically, not really in the mood to talk about comics.
"It's Nathan Taylor. I thought you loved him." Dad tilts his head slightly.
I shrug a bit, unsure of what else to say.
"Huh. Maybe I'll have Jamie look at it."
The mere mention of my boyfriend's name almost immediately forces another sigh from my mouth, and I try to set my eyes on something--anything that might make me feel a little better.
"Ahh...trouble in paradise, I see." he quickly catches on. I shouldn't be surprised. I kinda want to roll my eyes...but the last thing I want to do is upset or piss someone else off, especially my dad. "What'd you do this time?"
"What?" I nearly bark at him. "What makes you think I did something wrong?" I ask, dubious about his assumption...even if he is right.
"Because it's usually you," He says matter-of-factly. I just sigh again. "What happened, Ian?" he presses.
"Do we really have to talk about this?" I shouldn't even have to ask, because I already know what he's going to say.
"Get it off your chest." He gestures for me to go on. Dad hates it when I keep things bottled up to myself. He's always tried to discourage me from that. I sigh once again, as this is something I'd rather keep to myself. But I finally give in.
"Everyone's up in arms about Pride Week tomorrow. Everyone."
"And that's a bad thing?"
"Everyone including Jamie."
"Ahh..." he utters before chuckling that fatherly, knowing chuckle. "Sounds just like Jamie to me."
"He's not just attending the parade, though; he's going to be dancing on top of a float. And...he wants me to dance with him. On the float. In front of half the city..." I get a feeling in my stomach; the same feeling I got when I hurt Jamie. "You know how I feel about pride parades, right? I shouldn't have to explain..."
"I know," he cuts me off before I can continue. "You don't like Pride. And that's fair, you don't have to." He nods, which makes me feel a little better, knowing that he understands my feelings. "But let me ask you; just how excited is Jamie about this?" I should have seen that coming.
"Really excited. We...kinda got into an argument, and I..." I have to close my eyes because I can't get the image of a hurt Golden Retriever out of my head, and it nearly brings me to tears again. "...I said some things I shouldn't have."
"Please don't tell me you hurt that boy..." my dad says, giving me a disappointing look for the way I've treated my boyfriend. I deserve that. A sharp gasp leaves my throat as I turn my head and glance out the windows, unable to look the elder Collie in the eyes. He clears his throat, probably not sure what to say...which would be a first for him.
I take a deep breath, trying to compose myself, turning my head back towards my dad, but keeping it lowered. "I tried to make it up to him, but...I don't know if he accepted it."
"Should probably get out in that parade and dance with him." Dad nods solemnly.
"You know I can't do that..." I say, slightly ashamed this time.
"Well, that's part of being in a relationship, Ian. Sometimes you have to make sacrifices. You can't have everything your way, son." I keep my eyes glued to the counter, not knowing what to say in response. But he's right, of course. "Listen," he says, trying to get my attention. "Hey, look at me." He's a little firmer this time with that fatherly tone, and I obligingly bring my eyes back to him. "I'm not gonna tell you what to do in your own relationship. But Jamie's a sweet kid, and he's good to you. If it really means that much to him to dance with you in that parade, then you at least owe it to him to consider it instead of flat out telling him 'no'. I mean if you can't even dance with your boyfriend in a gay pride parade, then... I'm not even sure what that says abut you."
I just nod, taking in every word he says, despite how much they sting.
"If it makes you feel any better, I'll be at the parade, too." He wags.
My eyes go wide. "What are you doing at a pride parade? You're not even gay."
He smiles. "I think being a firm supporter of yours and Jamie's relationship, and gay rights in general, qualifies me enough. Maybe I want to hang around the cool kids for once."
"Well, have fun." I nod once more. "I should probably be getting home...I still need to finish that poster. I'll see you later, Dad."
"Ian," he stops me before I can step away from the counter. "Think about what I said. For Jamie, if nothing else."
"Right." I look at him and nod carefully. "Thanks, Dad."
He smiles at me. "See you later, son."
Back home in my apartment, I'm lying on my bed while an unfinished poster of a gray fox lays on my desk across from me. I can't bring myself to work on it...or even draw anything right now. I'm still thinking about Jamie and Pride Week. Right now, I all want to do is snuggle naked with him until we both fall asleep. No words, no noise; just the pleasant sound of his steady breathing coupled with mine. I love doing that, and I'm suddenly reminiscing over the many times we'd just snuggle after a good night of sex, which is always the perfect time for it.
I'd love nothing more right now. But that's probably not gonna happen tonight. He's probably thinking about the parade tomorrow... probably thinking about me...and probably still a little hurt. I glance at my cell phone on the drawer, contemplating whether I should call him...or maybe text him. Just to say something. But...what would I say? What can I say? I don't know whether we ended on a sweet or sour note back at Lakeshore, and I'm not sure if he even forgives me for the things that I said.
Maybe it's...best if I leave him alone tonight. Give him some space, which is what he probably needs. I just...don't know. I don't know anything tonight.
I turn to my side, shifting under the blanket as I take a deep breath, and for the first time in a long time...I actually feel a little lonely.
I arrive at Golden Eagle around one PM, so I can get my poster done and give it to my manager as soon as possible. I just have to finish shading it and then it'll be done. Fortunately, the studio here is always dark and quiet, a welcoming contrast to the commotion that's gone on for the past few days. It's a lot easier to immerse myself here and get work done. But it's hard to concentrate on finishing this gray fox when I'd rather be drawing a Golden Retriever.
I can easily imagine it in my head; this portrait of Jamie dancing the way he always dances when we hit Caper Tails or whatever club we end up going to. He's always so happy, lively, and cheerful, and it brings a smile to my face everytime I see him like that. I just wish I could smile right now.
"Ian, drop the poster, we're heading out," Allan, my manager, yells with earnest as he barges through the door.
"Why, what's up?" I turn to the pine marten.
"We're heading down to the parade. Come on." He gestures with an eager smile.
I shake my head. "You go ahead. I'm not going. I need to finish this poster anyway."
"You'd really rather work on that and miss the chance to see your own art in the parade?"
I literally almost fall out of my chair when I turn to glance at him again. "What?"
"Remember those rainbow canine banners you designed a couple months ago?" He grins at me, while I'm still picking myself off the floor. "What'd you think those were for?"
"Well, I... I knew they were gay banners, but I didn't actually think they'd be used in a pride parade..." I stammer, still flabbergasted.
"I was saving it as a surprise." He smiles confidently. "But you're gonna miss it if you don't get off your ass right now!" He quickly ushers me away from the desk.
"You're...serious about this, Allan? You're not messing around?" I look at him almost glaringly. I'm so shocked and blown away, I don't even know what to think. I never dreamed my art would be showcased in any kind of public event, let alone a pride parade...where thousands of people would see it. I've got so many emotions going through me right now that I can't settle on any one.
"Yes, I'm serious, now come on!" he demands, practically throwing me out of the studio. "The parade starts at one-thirty, so let's get a move on."
"I don't believe this..." is all I can say once we leave the building.
He chuckles. "Believe it. Your mind's about to be blown."
We eventually arrive at the parade to find it ridiculously packed on both sides of the street. It's littered with so many flags and banners, it's hard to keep track. I can't remember the last time I saw this many people gathered together for one event. I recognize a lot of the people here, too; some of them even go to Lakeshore, which makes sense, since it's the most gay friendly college in Toronto.
"Looks like we got here just in time," Allan says as people start walking--marching down the middle of the street in pink and purple shirts, happily waving around Pride flags and Canadian flags while an uptempo pop song that I forgot the name of blasts from one of the cars. Strangely, it's a song I can easily imagine Jamie dancing to. I start to wonder if he's even here, and when I'll see him if he really is dancing on a float.
I have to admit, I really thought this parade would be like all those raunchy ones you see gay people flaunting their fetishes and sexuality in everyone's face, but this one's not like that at all. It's harmless. Everyone's just...having fun. Celebrating, you could say. I guess...that's what Pride really is. Celebrating. My eyes gleam over everyone in the street, from the crowds on either side to the people marching and driving down the middle, and...everyone's just cheering and having a good time.
I start to feel almost as bad as before knowing that I've been such a judgmental prick, spitting in my friends' faces about this. Especially Jamie's. I'll never forgive myself if he decides not show up because I didn't want to dance with him. I wish I could make it up to him.
"It's amazing, isn't it?" Allan nudges me, completely embraced in the Pride spirit, and I smile for the first time since we got here.
"Yeah...yeah, it is," I say, trying to get myself in the spirit, too, despite the shame and regret rotting in my stomach. Shame that I was so against this....regret that I told my boyfriend I didn't want to dance with him. "Allan, how many floats are there in the parade?" I quickly ask him, raising my voice enough to make sure he hears me clearly.
"I think there's three or four this year. I don't remember. Stick around, though, you won't want to miss them." He smiles again, and I take a deep breath before nodding. I take another moment to admire the crowd on my side of the street, and to my utter surprise, I see what looks like another familiar face. My dad's here.
"Holy shit," I nearly scream out.
"What, what's wrong?" Allan turns to me.
"That's my dad over there," I say, pointing to the elder Border Collie in the dark blue sweater with white hair.
"Wow, lucky, man! I'd kill for my own dad to hang come to a pride parade with me." He laughs.
"I'll catch up with you in a bit." I pat his shoulder before taking off and making my way through the bustling, cheery crowd.
"Dad! Hey, Dad!" I yell to him until he notices me and waves with a cheerful smile. When I finally make it to him, I give him a big hug. "I can't believe you actually showed up..."
"I told you I'd come." He chuckles. "I didn't think you'd be here. What made you change your mind?"
"Well, actually, I, uh...I'm here with...my manager from Golden Eagle. Apparently the banners I designed a couple months ago are being used in the parade. He didn't want me to miss this..."
"Uh huh..." he nods with a slightly diminished smile. "Well, that's... good to hear, Ian." I know that's not the answer he wants to hear.
"But I will say I was...wrong about Pride," I say, glancing at everyone in the crowd and in the parade. "Everyone here is just...having a good time. Celebrating."
"Exactly." His smile returns and he reaches out to ruffle my hair. "Still got a lot of growing up to do, Ian. But I'm proud of you."
I smile widely and wag. "I guess the least I can do is...cheer Jamie on in the parade."
Dad chuckles again. "That's a start. And just in time, here come the floats!" He gestures earnestly, bringing my attention back to the parade.
The floats look amazing, covered in purple, white, and light blue colours, with pride flags hanging on the front and back ends, and red and white balloons flying all over the place. And then I see the banners I designed, clearly showcased on the side and looking so much better than I remember.
In between some more marchers, the second and third floats follow in perfect pattern, and they're nearly identical to the first. I smile as I spot Sam and Rally hanging on the front of the second float, wearing those same purple shirts and waving those pride flags. Then at long last, I finally lay my eyes on a beautiful Golden Retriever dancing happily at the top of the float. He gracefully rocks his body and tail in the very same way I imagined he would to this song, and it immediately reminds me of the way he dances at Caper Tails; with style, grace and that wonderful smile on his face. He looks so happy up there, in his pride shirt, the center of attention as he flings his blond hair this way and that. And I look through tearful eyes, knowing I should be up there with him, dancing with my boyfriend, making him even happier.
"Jamie looks great up there, doesn't he?" Dad remarks, smiling and watching.
"He does..." I say before wiping my eyes and quickly pushing my way through the crowd. I run into the parade, to the surprise of many as I catch up to the second float. "Jamie!" I yell his name as loud as I can. "Jamie, look!" I yell again until he glances down to see me.
"Ian?!" he says, completely dumbfounded, seeing me run alongside the float. He quickly leans down, reaching his paw out to me, and I grab hold, holding on tightly as he pulls me up while I climb on top of the float. "Ian, I--I can't believe...what are you doing here?" he asks, still shocked.
"Being where I should have been in the first place," I say with the biggest smile as I wipe my eyes again. "I'm sorry I didn't want to dance with you. I'm sorry for all the things I said about Pride. And most of all, I'm so sorry that I hurt you. I love you, and I can't imagine having a better boyfriend."
His tail gleefully whips behind him despite the watery flood overtaking his own eyes. "I don't even know what to say..."
I give his paw another gentle squeeze, wagging my own tail. "Say you'll dance with me on top of this float."
A couple sharp gasps leave his muzzle as he wipes his eyes before finally giving me that happy, familiar smile that I love. "You know I will."
He kisses me deeply, with a passionate fervor I haven't felt in a good while, and my paws take hold of his hips while his wrap around my neck. When our muzzles part, we smile at each other with delight as we gyrate and rock our bodies together on top of the float. Now we're both the center of attention, just as it should be.
I hear Sam and Rally both cheering us on, and it causes me to giggle for the first time in two days. "Happy Pride, Jamie."
"Happy Pride, Ian," we both say before kissing each other once more to a cheering crowd.