Forbidden Chapter 17
Forbidden Chapter 17 -- Nothing But a Dream
Upstairs, in Jasyn's room, Luke was asleep. He'd showered, and then curled up there, tired and weak, where he'd slipped into a late afternoon nap. Rei was asleep by his head, and the room sat silent.
But downstairs, the living room was no less quiet.
Still damp from his own shower, Jasyn sat on one end of his couch. On the other end was Alex, and for the last fifteen minutes, the wolf couldn't even get his fox to make eye contact with him.
"Alex?" Jasyn looked up from his lap, and at the fox, "Talk to me, Love. What's wrong?"
"I...I don't mean to be mean..." Alex finally looked at his boyfriend, "...but do you really have to ask?"
Jasyn had a pretty good idea what was wrong, more than one, in fact. But he was asking anyway, "Yeah..."
"You cheated on me today, Jasyn." The fox held his paws up, "We've barely been together two months...barely done anything with each other...and you've already cheated on me."
"Ch-cheating?" Jasyn blinked, "I-it was just a kiss and a paw, and I-"
"Luke was at my house last weekend." Alex cut him off, "If I had kissed him and pawed him off while he was there...what would you have called it?
The wolf looked back down at his lap, "You're right."
"And what's worse: I was going to be here so soon!" Alex turned his body in the couch, "You couldn't have waited? Tried to involve me? Even if..." He looked up at the ceiling, "...even if my boyfriend wanting another guy isn't pleasant, at least it's better if I'm there."
"Alex...I don't...I don't know what I can do other than apologize." Jasyn sighed, "I...I can't change what happened."
"It's not just what happened, Jasyn. It's what might happen."
"What do you mean?" The wolf looked back up.
"It only took you two months to do this." Alex held up two fingers, "Tell me how I can trust you not to do it again?"
"I don't know, Alex." Jasyn tensed and looked away, visibly frazzled, as he ran his paws through his headfur, "I mean...what do you want from me? There's nothing I could possibly do to prove that to you. Nothing I can say will magically make you believe I won't."
"Exactly." The fox huffed and looked away again.
"I...I don't get it!" Jasyn dropped his paws to his lap and looked back at his boyfriend, "I thought we were over this, Alex. I thought you'd forgiven me, and everything was okay."
"Of course you did." Alex shot him an angry glance, "Believing everything was fine, made it okay for you to have sex with him."
Jasyn sighed and hung his head, "I knew it. That's what this is really about, isn't it?" He looked back up, "You're upset about the threesome."
"And why shouldn't I be?" Alex shrugged, "Why should I be happy about how quickly my boyfriend jumped on the idea of getting to have sex with another guy?"
"Alex, come on!" The wolf threw up his paws, "I did everything I could to protect your feelings there."
"Did you?" Alex narrowed his eyes.
"Yes!" Jasyn turned in the couch, and began counting on his fingers, "I double and triple checked that it was okay with you, before we even went to the bedroom! When my paw first touched him, it was because you put it there! And even once we were in the bedroom, I made sure everything was fine, first...even tried to set up rules."
"Doesn't change how much you wanted it." The fox shook his head.
"Maybe not, but at least I was honest about that. Doesn't that count for something?" Jasyn motioned at the fox, "And let's not forget whose idea the threesome was, to begin with."
Alex crossed his arms, "Not like you forced my paw on it or anything."
"What I did...did not force you to propose a threesome." The wolf pointed at his boyfriend, "It was your idea...and I gave you every opportunity to change your mind. You can't put that on me."
"Fine. Let's say you're right. You checked and triple checked, and you were doing everything right out here in the living room..." Alex leaned forward for emphasis, "...where did all of that consideration go once we got to the bedroom?"
"What are you talking about?" Jasyn leaned in as well, "I followed your rules, didn't I? I didn't force you to play...I made sure you could be involved..."
"And you fucked him." The fox cut him off.
"So...wait..." Jasyn leaned back again, his paw on his forehead, "...is THAT the problem?"
"Of course it is!" Alex flung his arms out to his sides, "You haven't even topped me, yet, but you've already topped him?"
"You should have told me not to! Made it a rule."
"I shouldn't have had to! Couldn't it have crossed your mind?" Alex tapped his temple with his fingers, "Couldn't it have occurred to you, that maybe I wanted to be your first? That maybe I would find it special to be the first person you topped?"
"Okay...look." The wolf shook his head, holding his paws up defensively, "I'm sorry about what I did before you got here. I would do anything if I could take that back. And it tears me up inside that the threesome's upsetting you." He pointed at the fox again, "But you're not even making any sense, Alex. You were never going to be the first person I had sex with. You, of all people, know how many girls I've been with!"
"But Luke was the first guy." Alex muttered, his defenses weakening.
"Yeah..." Jasyn over exaggeratedly nodded, "...except for...I dunno, Peter?" He narrowed his eyes and tilted his head, "Apparently you forgot about him?"
Again the fox couldn't make eye contact, having trouble now managing to keep up his side of the argument, "But...with Peter, and all those girls...I never had to sit there and watch it happen."
"Okay, Alex." Jasyn's voice calmed considerably, and he leaned in again, "Look...you know I love you. I wouldn't even be gay if it weren't for you."
"I know." Alex nodded, still looking away.
"And I'm so sorry about all of this." Jasyn shook his head and scooted closer, closing a few inches of the gap between them, "I...I want to fix this. I want to make this better. But you have got to stop playing this game with me."
"Game!?" Alex yelped at the wolf, jerking his neck to look back at him.
"You know what I mean." Jasyn stayed calm, as he raised his paw, counting off on his fingers again, "First you said you were upset because I cheated...even though you had already forgiven me for that. Then you said you were upset about the threesome. And when that didn't work, you said that you were upset because you wouldn't be my first, anymore. Then I when shot that down, you said you meant my 'first GUY.' And now that everything else fails you...you're saying that you're upset because you watched it happen..."
"What's your point?" The fox looked away again.
"My point is that it seems like you're searching. It seems like you're trying to FIND a good reason: like you're trying to find something to blame for why you're upset." Jasyn took a deep breath, "And that means you either don't really KNOW why you're angry...
Alex winced and looked away.
"...or you're afraid to tell me what's REALLY wrong." The wolf moved closer, still, "Alex. You have to tell me. I can't fix this...I can't even begin to help and make things better if you won't tell me the truth."
Jasyn reached out, toward his fox, but Alex recoiled and jerked away, staring wide eyed at the wolf's paw, inches from his shoulder.
"What the hell..." Jasyn slowly lowered the paw, "...you're acting like you're scared."
The fox looked up at him, only to look away again...but he didn't protest.
"You're..." Jasyn leaned away, jaw open, and eyes dropped, "...you're scared of me?"
"Jasyn..." Alex's lip quivered, and he took in a deep breath to steady himself, "...I saw what you did to Peter."
"I did that for you!" The wolf snapped on reflex, a paw clenching.
"And you enjoyed doing it!" Alex snapped back, "You raped him 'til he bled, and you LIKED it!"
"I can't believe this, Alex!" Jasyn let out an exasperated, shaking breath, on the verge of a sob, "Now you're turning THAT against me? I did that for you...and...and you've never said anything like this before today."
"Of course not!"
"And I guess you're gonna' say that it's because you were too scared to." Jasyn clenched his jaw.
"No." The fox's voice softened, "I didn't say anything because I never even thought it."
"But you-"
"You did it for me." Alex cut him off, "You did it because you loved me, and that's all I needed to know. You put yourself in danger for me...and it never even crossed my mind to look at it any other way.
"Then what-"
"It didn't cross my mind," Alex cut him off again, "until the day we met Luke in the mall."
"Luke?" The wolf narrowed his eyes, "What does meeting him have to do with this?"
"You don't remember?" Alex blinked, "You don't remember how angry and violent you got that day? You don't remember how you screamed at the poor kid? How you scared him and attacked him just because he was being curious?"
"I...I was just a little upset." Jasyn sunk into himself and stammered a response, "I didn't...you know I didn't mean to..."
"It doesn't matter what you MEANT to do." The fox shook his head, "That wasn't the Jasyn I'd been friends with for years. That wasn't my best friend...wasn't my boyfriend. THAT was the wolf that raped Peter."
"Aren't you being a little extreme?" Jasyn rubbed his forehead, "I didn't even hurt the kid."
"No: not then. But that doesn't change what it made me think." Alex looked away, out the living room's farthest window, "I hadn't even given that day with Peter a second thought...not until I saw the violent side of you at the mall. That's when I realized that that side of you...the part of you that hurt Peter..." His gaze trailed down to the carpet, "I realized that it was REALLY a part of you...this whole, big dark side that I'd never seen before...you know?"
"And it scared you." The wolf nervously wrung his paws.
"No. It just...worried me." Alex looked up from the carpet and watched his boyfriend's paws, "I mean, like you said: you didn't hurt him. You were just mean, right? And I was able to get you under control."
"Then...what changed." Jasyn looked up.
"What do you think?" The fox pointed a paw at the stairs.
Jasyn followed the paw, looking at the stairs, and let his mind follow it up and to his room...to the raccoon asleep in his bed. He winced and shook, closing his eyes and holding back a whimper.
"It changed when you actually DID hurt him." Alex lowered the paw, still looking at the wolf, "It changed when I had to see that side of you unleashed...not a half hour ago."
"I was a little rough, sure," Jasyn shrugged, his eyes clouded and barely open, "but it really wasn't that bad, was it? I mean..."
"I asked you to stop." Alex cut him off again.
"I know, I just-"
"HE asked you to stop!" And again.
"Alex...please...I didn't mean anything by it." Jasyn pleaded, "I was just...I was really...I was..." The wolf's body tensed up and he shook. He relived the threesome in his head: Alex and Luke both asking him to be gentler, and to stop. He saw himself force the raccoon's muzzle around the fox's dick, and then jam his knot into the boy and jerk it out again. He had no excuse. "...oh God...I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt him, you've gotta' know that. I just got caught up in the moment."
"I know...I know it's not what you set out to do." Alex shook his head, "But, moment or not...it's what happened."
"Alex...I'm so sorry." Jasyn looked back up, pleading with his voice, eyes, and paws, "You know that that's not me!"
"But it's a part of you. It's a side...a very scary side of you...and I don't..."
"Alex, Love...I promise. I'll keep it under control." The wolf attempted a friendly smile, but it was weak, "I'll be nicer, better. I'll..."
"Jasyn." Alex stopped him, his voice soft, "At...at the end...when I looked down at him, I wasn't seeing him. He was in pain...he was biting his lip, and just hoping it would end. When I looked at him, I saw myself." He looked his wolf in the eye, "And when I looked at you..."
"...you saw Peter." Jasyn barely managed a murmur, his head hanging.
"In that moment...you didn't care about me or Luke at all. You just wanted to cum..."
"Alex...I'm so sorry. I really don't know what came over me."
"Neither do I, but it doesn't matter. What if we hadn't done this today? What if the next guy you topped had been me?" The fox tapped his own chest, "What if it was THEN that whatever came over you today, came over you? That...that could have easily been me under you today..."
"Alex...no!" His eyes wide, Jasyn shook his head as fast as it would move, "I would never..."
"How can you be so sure? You obviously couldn't control yourself, today!" Alex pointed at the stairs again, "Why would it have been any different with me?"
"Because I love you." The wolf barked.
"I know you do. That's why I'm with you." Alex offered the first smile he'd managed since they'd come down stairs, "Two months ago...I was lucky enough to get together with the wolf of my dreams. I got together with a wolf that cared about me so much, he changed himself for me..."
Jasyn smiled back, moving his paw toward Alex's on the couch.
"But..." The fox moved his paw away, his smile fading, "...a big part of me feels like the wolf in front of me...is a different wolf."
"Alex...Love..." Jasyn's smile dropped too, his lip quivering.
"When I think about how you were in the mall...or when I saw you...almost raping Luke today:" Alex looked down at the paw he'd pulled away from his wolf, "It makes me want to say that you're not the wolf I got together with, anymore. You're an angry, short tempered, violent, and inconsiderate person, to the point of being selfish! And you nearly cheating on me with him is only the smallest part of that."
"Alex...you know that I'm not like that!"
"I do." The fox looked up, again, "That's why I said it makes me WANT to say that...but I know it's not true." He shook his head, "Because in between those moments, you're still the wolf I love. You're still the boyfriend my parents accepted as a part of our family, and you're still the wolf whose arms are always open to hold me and to protect me when I'm asleep, when I'm sad, or when I just miss being held..."
"That's all I want to be." Jasyn wanted to smile, but knew there was a but coming.
"But the problem is...I can't feel safe in those arms right now."
"Alex...I'm so sorry! Please...please let me prove that you still are." The wolf opened his arms just slightly, but only closed them again, knowing his fox wouldn't come to them.
"I...I'm actually not even mad at you, Jasyn." Alex let out a breath almost like a laugh, "I don't think this is your fault. I know it's not...some conscious decision you're making. There's just..." He shrugged, "...there's something wrong. Maybe it's just...I dunno...just how you're coping with everything: how you're dealing with your change in sexuality?"
"That doesn't matter!" Jasyn emphatically waved his paw, dismissing the statement, "I don't care what it is, Alex. I scared you...I hurt you...and that's all that matters." He took a deep breath, "I'm so...so sorry. I promise I'll change. I promise I'll be better. I'll do anything I can to make you feel safe with me again."
"How can you be sure? How can you promise me that I'll never be in Luke's position?"
"You know that I would never hurt you." The wolf shook his head.
"Do I? Jasyn...it was hard enough WATCHING you act like Peter...even...even being an accomplice to it. But, I can't...I can't live through it again." Alex shook his head, his eyes finally tearing up, "Especially not...at the paws of someone...that I love so much..."
"Alex, Love...I promise..."
"I just can't do this." Yet again, now crying softly, Alex cut the wolf off.
Jasyn's eyes widened slowly, as what was happening finally registered with him. "Alex...wait...no. I...I'm hearing you wrong." He breathed in as deeply as he could, laying his paws flat across his lap, "I...I misunderstood that. I had to have misunderstood."
Alex sniffled, tightly gripping the fabric of his pants as he held back a sob, "No. You didn't."
"Alex, no!" The wolf trembled, his blurry, clouded eyes finally overflowing, "Please, God, please don't do this. I'm so sorry. I'll do whatever you want me to. Please...please don't leave me."
"I'm..." Alex looked at his friend. Tears were already drawing lines down the wolf's cheek fur, and his breaths were already rocked with almost hiccupping sobs, "J...Jasyn...stop."
"S-stop!?" The wolf yelped, "I'm supposed to just let you go?"
"Jasyn...I...I just..." Alex hung his head, his own muzzle wet as he sniffled again, "I can't deal with this...with us, right now."
"No, Love! No!" Jasyn's voice cracked, "Please...please tell me how to make this better. A-anything! Just don't do this to me."
"To you?" The fox looked back up, "Jasyn...I'm not trying to do anything TO you. You're acting like this is Punishment."
"Isn't it?" Jasyn threw up his paws, "I cheated, and I was being too mean and too rough. And now you're mad and I..." He wiped the tears off of his cheek, "...j-just please! Please don't punish me for this. Let me fix it!"
"No, Jasyn...no. I'm not punishing you for anything. I'm not even mad at you, Jasyn...I just..." Alex clenched his jaw, "...you can't make me stay! I can't handle it...I just can't."
"Alex...I...Love, please." Jasyn leaned in closer, "Do...do you have any idea how much you mean to me? I mean...th-that night, in Matt's guest bed..." He swung his arm in the imaginary direction of Matt's home, "I...I didn't just do that for you! I did it because I WANTED it! Because I wanted YOU! I...all I needed was that little push...the little realization that I was...on some level just...even just a LITTLE gay. That was all I needed to see...to see that you were everything -- and I mean EVERYTHING -- that I wanted."
"Jasyn..." Alex couldn't look at him.
"No!" The wolf screamed, "All the complication and uncertainty and...it's all just...I'm just trying to adjust to this new life...to...to being gay!" He lowered his voice and hung his head, "But there is NO doubt, NO uncertainty about you! Gay, straight, bi...fucking ASEXUAL...it doesn't matter...not so long as I have you."
"Jasyn...I love you too. You know I do." Alex wiped his cheeks as well, and shook his head, "I just..."
"Alex." Jasyn cut him off this time, "No one -- no girl, no guy, NO ONE -- has EVER made me feel as happy...as whole...as RIGHT as you do. I've never looked so forward to seeing another person...never felt so happy to make someone smile." He smiled, remembering holding the fox, "I've never dated a girl...who felt like she fit with me when I held her...who felt like...like a puzzle piece that belonged there."
Alex shivered and let out a whimpering sigh. He closed his eyes and hiccupped, wanting so badly to lean across the couch and fall into the wolf's arms.
"Physically...emotionally...you..." Jasyn continued, "Love, you were made for me. And I have never been happier. Please, Alex...for the love of God...don't take that away from me."
Slowly, the fox opened his eyes. Part of him wanted to give in, but when he saw the wolf's face, the fear came rushing back. He shook and looked down, "I wouldn't if I could help it Jasyn."
"Then don't!" Jasyn barked.
"It's not that simple!" Alex barked back, looking up again, "Do you have any clue how long I dreamed of us being together? Do have any idea how much I wanted you to be mine? How much of a dream come true these last two months have been?" He trembled, like the wolf, fighting the urge again, to cling to Jasyn, "I...I can't even explain how much I want to just forget today happened...pretend I never saw that side of you...and just let everything be okay..."
"Then why can't you?"
The fox's voice dropped to a whisper and a growl. "Because I can't look at you without seeing Peter."
Jasyn recoiled as if he'd been hit by Alex's words. He shook, as a tense silence, but for the sounds of their crying, fell around them. There was nothing he could say. He loved the fox, and he'd, without realizing it, betrayed him completely. He was supposed to protect him, to be the one thing Alex could count on...and all he did now was remind the fox of the fur who'd raped him.
Silently, Alex stood and wiped away his tears. He hated himself. Jasyn deserved so much better than this. After everything he'd done and everything he'd been for the fox...and this was the thanks he got? Alex willfully breaking his heart and bringing him to tears? He wanted so badly to take it all back, but he couldn't. He couldn't push back the fear, and the trembling discomfort at just being touched by the wolf. And he hated himself for it.
"I'm sorry..." The fox gathered his cell phone and circled the couch, walking slowly toward the foyer.
"How can I fix it?" Jasyn stood up too, turning to the fox as he left, "How...how do I prove I'm not like Peter? How can I be...how can I be the wolf you fell in love with, again?"
Alex stopped, but didn't look back, "The Jasyn I fell in love with...who I fell for long before he was gay, or even knew I was. He protected me. He was my friend. I was lonely...nerdy...picked on. I just couldn't seem to fit in anywhere...but he was my friend."
"I just...you looked so sad." Timidly, the wolf circled the couch as well, "You looked like you needed a friend...and I wanted to help."
"Because that's the kind of person you were." Alex turned to meet him, "That's the wolf I fell in love with: someone who would reach out to the lost and the lonely...and be their friend when no one else would."
Jasyn stopped less than a foot from his former fox, his head hung, "I don't understand."
"Luke." Though it was a struggle, Alex reached out and put a paw on the wolf's shoulder, "Luke needs a friend."
"You..." Jasyn smiled at the paw and looked up at Alex, "...you want me to take care of him."
"If...if you're really still the old you..." The fox smiled back, "...then there's no one better."
"I won't let you down." Jasyn nodded.
Alex dropped his paw and turned to leave, but Jasyn grabbed his arm on reflex, to stop him. The fox's ears dropped as he looked back. Jasyn said nothing, he just rocked with his growing sobs and stared, silently pleading with the fox one last time.
Alex shook and hiccupped through his own tears. He hated himself; he couldn't bear hurting Jasyn like this, and he broke. Though so much of him was still afraid and uncomfortable even with the paw on his arm, he turned back and fell into the wolf.
Jasyn caught and held him, and the two cried into one another, in what was only a moment of silence, before the fox spoke again.
"This...this is only for a time." He buried his muzzle in the wolf's neck, "One day, and I really believe this...one day we'll be back together, and you can hold me in your arms like this, and we'll kiss, and we'll lie in your bed together..."
Alex pushed away from the hug, and Jasyn let him, knowing the last thing he should do is force the fox to do anything.
The fox placed a paw on his former wolf's chest and then backed away. "And all of this..." He continued, as he turned and stepped into the foyer, "...will be nothing but a dream..."
Jasyn watched as he opened the door and stepped through into the afternoon air.
"But that day is not today..."
~
There we go! Book 1 of the soap opera, Forbidden, comes to an end!!
This chapter has been a complete and total re-write. I wrote this, from beginning to end over the last couple of days, because it was one of a small few chapters of Forbidden I was unhappy with. The original not well recieved at all...so I wanted to see if I could make it better this time around. I'll talk more about that in my next journal, though...
Anyway, that means that I wrote the lines and actions of all the characters involved this time around. This time it wasn't an RP. So, the following credits are for the ORIGINAL version...the story that I based THIS version off of.
* Starring: F. R. Borealis as Alexander Collin Moen Cecil B. North as Jasyn Aiden Fuller *
Cecil was a writer here as well, back in the Yiffstar days. If you want to check out the stuff he wrote back then, go ahead and look him up. His username on here is: Cecil_88
That's it, everyone. Forbidden Book 1 is over. Certainly could have ended on a happier note, I know...but it is what it is. So what lies ahead in Book 2? Will Alex and Jasyn get back together, or will one or both end up in someone else's arms? Will Jasyn keep his promise and be Luke's friend? What will Luke think of all of this when he wakes up? What's been going on with Matt, Chris, and Sirrus, and what's to come next in their lives?
Find out all that and more when the story continues in The Cameron Hotel.
Anyway, thanks for reading!
I welcome any feedback! Comment or PM me here, or email me at frostborealis[at]gmail.com I'll also be getting myself a twitter and a facebook dedicated to Borealis soon.
See you for the next 40 chapters of Forbidden! ^_^