Vazio.
Yure is having a few problems concerning the meaning of life.
Seg 30 Abr 2012 22:19:44 BRT I was sleepless. Liontari was sleeping by my side, on a makeshift bed, while I was comfortable inside my crib. I felt my usual melancholy, a vague feeling of miss. I sighed, looking up at the ceiling. Why I was like that? What am I missing? This is a feeling that always bothered me, always... Well, not exactly always, since I can't remember having it when I was three years old. Maybe it's because I spent too much time alone, all by myself, in this big island. The world always felt too huge and somewhat empty. I didn't want to wake Liontari up, though, plus I kinda like the introspective feeling it brings. I moved my toes a little, my big foot-paws uncovered by my thick, babyish blanket. I was wondering when and I started to resort on being an adult cub as escape valve for my sadness, finding relief in the warmth and safety that is usually brought by family. Or better: when I started to be an adult inside? I never really let go my cub habits because I never really grew up. I climbed the crib bars and jumped from them, down to the floor, flying up over Liontari for a few seconds. I climbed the table and stared at the window, looking through it and through the branches, leaves and clouds, wanting to see the moon. The sight of the full moon made me feel better, my mood pending towards neutrality. The wind blew, causing the leaves to shake. I sighed, sad again. Why I felt like this? What is missing? Where can I find it? Why every night I must feel so empty? It's not a big problem, like, enough to drive me to tears, but sometimes it makes me panic. It's very uncomfortable to live in a place where joy is simple suspension of suffering, not the other way around. Because, for me, happiness only comes if something disturbs the life pattern. When nothing happens and everything flow in it's accord, I feel sad and down. It makes me think that sad is my "default mood" and that I'll feel like this whenever I have no distractions to take my mind off from it. So miserable. The night suddenly became deeper as a cloud covered the moon. In the end, my feeling of emptiness haves no explanation. It could be my parents, it could be fetish, it could be life, it could be some sort of chemical disturbance in my humors. My parents? It sounds like bad faith to blame them for who I am. I'm in charge of myself, so, if I'm this way, it's entirely my fault and it's up for me to change (as soon as I can). Being an adult cub is more of a symptom. I just do it because it fills this gap. While I don't know the reason of my melancholy, I can still use fetish to minimize the suffering. 05/16/12 08:29:43 PM It has been a time since I felt that way. It seems to have calmed down a bit. Liontari was away and I was reading a book. The night was deep dark and I could see nothing outside, though noises at distance could be heard. Sounds like someone is building
something nearby. I was silent while reading. My eyelids were heavy and I blinked slowly even. The time seemed to not run or fly, as animals like to say. Time flies. It doesn't for me. Time doesn't exist. Future doesn't exist yet, never will, just like the past doesn't exist anymore, in fact, never existed. Liontari walked inside. - Yure? - he said. - Yes? - I asked, looking up at him, putting my book aside. - You haven't been yourself recently - Liontari sat down, at the table. - Is something a matter? - No, Liontari - I picked my book and resumed reading. - Really? It's obvious that something is up. - I wish I could put my feelings into words, Liontari. The kitchen had little to no noise. Just the sound of Liontari eating by my side. - Then something is wrong? - he insisted. I looked at the closed window. I was sure that the night was even darker now. - Yure? - Liontari asked. - I'm sorry; I wasn't paying attention - I said, looking at him. - I feel a strange emptiness, Lion. - Emptiness? - Liontari took a bite at a living mice, it's head being swallowed. - Yes. Liontari put the rest of the squirming mice inside his muzzle. Even headless, the mouse still moved, blood gushing inside Liontari's muzzle. - How so? - he asked, getting another mice form a plastic case. - As if my life had no sense at all. Something between these lines - I answered, looking at the words in my book without reading them. - Ah, but life doesn't have sense anyway; it's random - Liontari broke the neck of the second mice and held it bent until the mice stopped moving. - Unsatisfying answer. Liontari swallowed the mice, it's insides spreading around Liontari's tongue as he found the taste incredible, a classic pleasure of life, and swallowed them slowly to taste them better. 20:32 17/5/2012 How to continue this? I was heavily unsatisfied with what I am writing. I didn't even start! I shove the papers inside a drawer and bang my head on my desk. - Something wrong, writer? - asks Liontari, bringing fried fish to me. I don't even reply. - Blocked? I nod against the desk. Liontari sat beside me. - You know, our job as hunters keep us alive. Why bother to sell your ideas to copyright leechs? - Because you don't let me buy fetish stuff... like diapers... - I answer, my voice muffled. - I will let... soon... when we move to the city. - I don't wanna move... - C'mon, Yure, this place makes me high. - Because it's the Catnip Fields... - Oh... - Sometimes I wonder if you aren't fruit of my immagination - I look up at him, giving a
pause in my task. - Like, you are kind, you are cute, understanding and somewhat troubled. Someone made for me. And I was made for you, because I'm the only one who fully understands your desires. Liontari pet me. - I'm still impressed with that - he said, smiling. It started to rain outside. I eat my fish silently while Liontari watches, delighted with my cub proportions and chubby belly, baby fat in my arms and legs. He couldn't resist and started to massage my left arm with his huge handpaw, grasping my pudgyness. I smiled at the gesture and hugged him as soon I finished my fish. The animals outside were now hiding, the place becoming cold and frightening. The clouds blocked the moonlight. I still didn't know why I was feeling empty, but Liontari could ease my pain. 20/5/2012 - Almost done now! - Liontari announced. Liontari put the essential in a bag. Because we had no diapers anymore, I had more room in my back pack. We were going in another mission, this time to support a group of moles around the mines. I put bottled water inside my backpack. That was all. Liontari was carrying the first aid stuff and food won't be a problem for us, since we can hunt. We left my treehouse. The mines were near, so it wouldn't take more than a few days to arrive. It was night when we departed. Finally, some relief from my boredom.