FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

Sleeping had become the hardest part of my day. Ignoring the guilt while working, buying coffee, driving to and from the office was simple enough to do. Each task allowing me to opportunity to forget about what I had done. The outside world would invade my conscious and push out the deep regret I simply could not find escape from at night. Shutting my eyes was the worst possible idea I could conceive of. The back of my eyelids would provide the perfect screen, displaying with relative ease the final moments. Her muzzle was turned into a sneer of pure hatred as fear filled her beautiful jade eyes, the part that had attracted me to the lynx in the first place. I held her body in my arms, and cried. I searched for the fire in that always looked back at me but found that the life had faded from them. A pale stone glared at me from the sockets, drained of all that made her so special. It helped to remember the good times I had had with her. The way she smiled when we first met, how every thought she transitioned into words came out with the softest of purrs, and above all else, the way it felt when I pulled her close and held her tiny body against mine, leaning her chin up with one finger, and slipping my muzzle over hers, tasting her every being. In these moments we shared something so sweet the rest of the world disappeared into the darkness, to the place we sent everything else that did not matter to us anymore. These moments, these small reminders of everything that made her so perfect, they were enough to calm the madness in my mind and, for just a moment, I could fall asleep. My slumber wouldn't last long. Every time I would find myself slipping into a deep sleep my eyes would snap open, a heavy sweat covering my body as fear wrapped a strong, bony paw around my heart and squeezed it tight. Sirens, every night. It wasn't that surprising to me, I pass drug deals every day on my way to and from work, a whorehouse operates with very little shame in my community, and as much as we all hate to admit it, the local gang territory line lies only two blocks away. The line is a constant point of contention between the two of them, where it actually lies, and these little arguments often turned violent. There are, without a doubt, countless reasons for the cops to be in my neighborhood. Trying to apply logic to it did not help my heavy mind. As I lie in bed I came to the conclusion that sleep was no longer an option. If they found the body and somehow connected it to me, highly unlikely, I would at least need to be awake for the questioning. A tired mind is caught up too quickly by quick questions coming from an officer certain of your guilt. I needed to be alert, make sure I kept my story straight, and my convincing alibi intact. Once out of bed I padded to the kitchen in the dark. The fur on my spine stood up in protest against the cold early morning air. I kept the lights off as I began to brew a pot of coffee, my neighbors had always thought me weird, being the only person in the complex who did not openly break the law, being awake, all the lights on, at four a.m. would have been out of place for me. The last thing I wanted was having lesser criminals interested in my comings and goings. I needed to get out of my head for a moment and did so by closing my eyes. I searched outside my apartment with my other senses. The bubbling of boiling water working its way through the sizzling softly upon the coffee grounds was easily ignored as my ears turned away from the source, to just outside my door where I heard Mr. Fredericks tip toeing passed my door to his apartment, 3C. His wife was asleep, blissfully aware that he had snuck out to meet up with his secretary at her place. Mrs. Fredericks will never say anything to him about the affair, she is happy with his infidelity so long as she has a roof over her head and dinner on the table. In my parking lot the noise of a lone wrapper skidding across the pavement by a surprisingly strong summer breeze pulled my attention from the returning adulterer. It stopped inside the mail hut, something was blocking it's path and from what I could tell it was not the interior walls of the structure. I listened closer but there was not enough noise to give away the identity of the blockage. I tilted my head back and breathed deep of the air, pushing past the coffee to get a scent of what existed out there. I was hit with the overpowering smell of musk, both male and female, one was fighting off a yeast infection. It would appear one of our local prostitutes had snagged herself a john for the night. He must have been pretty desperate for it if he was willing to pay a downtrodden whore carrying a little extra cheese in her taco. A high pitched beeping sound pulled me back to the kitchen, my coffee was done. I pulled out my favorite mug, fighting the acknowledgement she had bought it for me, and poured a cup if the strong midnight liquid. I again worked my way through the lightless room and located my easy chair, sitting down in it and allowing the dark to wrap its loving arms around me. Sitting in that chair, drinking a mug of coffee, it was a simple comfort I would allow myself in the crazy world created by making one mistake...I cut off the thought and sipped at my coffee, the liquid in my cup warming along the path it took to my stomach before radiated the heat to the rest of my limbs. I was calm, enjoying one of the few moments of normalcy I had left in my life and for reasons unknown to me at the time, my mind began drift. She stood in front of me, a smile on her face as I sat down nervously on the edge of her overly padded bed. It was our first time, together. Her body was even more beautiful than I was ever able to imagine. After months of our little game of cat and mouse, we had finally found an end. In that moment, in that place she was mine. We did not need to follow the little rules we had put into place to keep up our relationship. She no longer had to fake a computer problem to see the shy panther in IT. I no longer had to rely on my tech knowledge to have an excuse to start a conversation with her. For a moment, we were equals, and she was ready to cast aside the one rule she would ever break at work. To my benefit, she was never comfortable with going completely public about our extracurricular activities. Between the two of us the only real secret we kept was the relationship we shared behind closed doors. We took extreme precautions to hide what we had, long road trips to make reservations at restaurants out of town, hotel rooms booked under pseudonyms, lies, and alibis, a now all too frequently occurring theme in my life. All of this done to keep our secret. Unknowing to me at the time, it also helped keep me out of the eye of suspicion if and when her body were ever found. I was mostly safe. By the time my memory version of her had stripped herself of her clothes my coffee mug was empty. I placed the mug down beside my chair while her memory paws worked the fastener on my pants. I found, sitting in the dark, I was as excited by the memory of her touch as I had been the first time she released me from the confines of the fabric with a gentle grip and loving squeeze. As I remembered this moment I raised the footrest of my chair and laid back easily, forgetting my troubles and letting my mind swim quickly toward her, holding on with dear life to the happy memory. Months after it had happened I could still feel her slide her lips over me as I slowly began to emerge from the hidden place within my dark fur. She claimed not to have much experience with the act she performed. If the statement were true, she was a natural expert. I had never felt the pleasure she graced me with before, nor would I ever feel it again outside of my memories. I knew I was in good hands. A good lover, she took care of both our needs before guiding herself onto me, letting my paws rest on her hips as I thrust up into her. The look on her face, the pure ecstasy and enjoyment as we rode the waves of pleasure together. If I could, I would always remember her this way. As the memory ended I realized I held myself in my paw. The ebony fur of my chest and stomach sticky to the touch. I couldn't help but wonder if all killers could still bring themselves to do what I had just done. I worried that if by allowing myself to disappear to that place, fueled by the memory of her, I had descended from the ranks of the higher thinking beings. If I had become nothing more than an animal at the mercy of my lesser needs.

It had been one day since I killed her.

*** The shower following my coffee had been a big help. Standing under the hot water I could feel my skin transition to a redish hue beneath the scalding streams of clear liquid flowing through my dark fur. I allowed myself to imagine my guilt burning out of my body and being carried away by the hot water. The guilt caused me to follow the flow of the act, down the drain and out into the ocean, creating some concentrated pool of evil, a place in the vast expanse of the water marked only by the distinct lack of sea life, all acutely aware of the darkness brought into existence from my soul and having sense enough to avoid the dark slick lest they end up like me. I decided not to go with a tie that day. While wrapping the silk cloth around my neck her face appeared, above my paws. Not the face I wanted to remember, but the one I always would. I had somehow made it into work, I still am not sure how I had done so. My mind must have set itself on auto drive and kept me safe through the drive. I zombied my way through the hallways, between the cubicles, and found my office. On my desk awaited my daily work requests. My eyes widened in horror as I read the first request:

Name: Nadia Fischer Office: 1042 Issue: Connectivity

Nadia, I didn't want to think her name, she needed to remain nothing more than an abstract concept to me. Something not dissimilar to a network, to the connections between her computer and mine. She needed to be something I could easily ignore, control, understand. Her name...it made her something more, something concrete, something real. I couldn't function if she existed that way to me. "Oh no, not her again!" The voice caused me to jump a little, Harry had a problem with sneaking into our office. The little bat made very little noise, as a result he had become known throughout the building as the creepy or weird one in the department. Funny how these things work out, I would have felt sorry for the winged mammal if he didn't provide the perfect scapegoat for any odd goings on in the IT department, "I'll tell ya something' man, either that broad is the most technologically illiterate creature in existence, or she has gone and developed a little crush on the big, manly night cat." I forced a chuckle as he winked at me. I never liked when he made that gesture at me. His lid slowly covering the black orb made it seem as if we shared something more than just a title and office. I really wanted to share nothing with him but in hindsight it is a bit humorous that I am the one who does not trust him. 'Yeah, I am sure that's it. I mean, look at me, simply irresistible. Honestly, it usually does end up being some sort of avoidable PEBKAC error, but at least it gets me out of this cave for a little while. What do you have on your plate today?" Going through the motions, that is all I had to do. I had to remember that it was just another ordinary day. If I didn't fall victim to the guilty conscience, everything would be all right. Harry was, again, being sent to a particularly ornery old gecko in the legal department. He is the kind who joined the company long before computers were even a thought and prefers to do his research via books. He doesn't like us on principle and Harry always has the misfortune of explaining how a mouse works to the geezer. She was obviously not in her office when I arrived, would have been a pretty scary surprise had she been. An adorable housecat sat at the desk outside the door to her office, her fingers gliding effortlessly over the keyboard of the computer in front of her. The feline's name was Cindy. We had been hired around the same time. As long as I had been fixing the lynx's computer "problems" Cindy had been answering her phones and asking callers to please hold. The way she greeted visitors to the office was very much what made her the perfect cat for the job. She would tilt her head as her pupils narrowed to small black slits, deciding silently what she would do with the intruder. "Well hello there Toby, more computer problems for Ms. Fischer?" "It would appear so, would you mind letting her know I have arrived?" "Actually, it's the weirdest thing, she hasn't even arrived yet. She's never been one to be late to work. Maybe she finally went and had herself a good weekend. I've noticed she's been in a much better mood lately. Here, I'll let you into the office so you can be on your way." I hadn't noticed prior to that moment but Cindy was a very inappropriate personal assistant. Her blouse was cut just a bit too low and her arms squeezed together on either side of her chest, pushing the white orbs beneath the fabric together just a bit too much as she dug around the drawer of her desk in search of the keys to the office. With my eyes no longer glued to the woman behind the door, I could now allow them to focus on the one in front of it. This view included the sight of her short cut skirt, barely gripping onto her rear as she swayed it back and forth with her stride, her bushy tail twitching softly through the air. She was trying to get my attention, she was not really my type, but I decided I would keep her in mind. "Thank you Cindy, you're always so helpful ." As the door latched I sat in her chair. There was nothing wrong with her network connection, of this I was certain. However, I needed to keep up appearances, and fixing the problem she claimed to have would take at least a little time on my part. As I found myself yet again pretending and creating the lie I would need to live I could almost feel her presence about me. She had spent a lot of time in the office. Her scent permeated every inch f the place as her entire being filled the room from wall to wall. It had always been that way. As if no one else belonged to the space. As far as I was concerned. No one did. It would always be Her Office. After signing in using my IT admin credentials I ran a network diagnosis. If I was to keep up appearances I would need to cover my tracks as the IT guy fixing a bad connection. While the diagnostics ran, I walked around the office. I connected each of the little knick knacks in the room to the things about her I wanted to keep inside. Trophies, physical reminders of just how excellent she was. In one small corner, out of view, a small stuffed teddy bear hid in the shadows, it's muzzle turned into a lopsided smile. I believe she kept it as a reminder of her inner child, a reason to keep having fun. I was reading a plaque, by the date on it she received the award three years before I joined the company. Marketing Director of the Year. I thought on the prestige, mayhap she had always been perfect. A loud ping emanated from her computer, pulling me away from her wall of gold to let me know my diagnosis had completed. Returning to her chair I skimmed over the long chain of computerese and at the very end of the script I read exactly what I had expected to find: DIAGNOSIS COMPLETE: NO PROBLEMS FOUND. I checked her connection settings, speeds, and again continued my pantomime so that, if necessary, I could prove I completed everything I needed in response to her request. I scribbled my notes down on the work order and left the carbon copy across her keyboard as the machine shut down. Cindy popped from her chair as I opened the door to her office. The typical glare she put on for everyone, that look that made you wonder whether or not she was considering your status as prey, had disappeared. In it's place a friendly smile had grown. Her azure eyes lit up to greet me on my way out. "All done Toby?" "Oh yeah, just another natural hiccup in the system. You know how it goes with the dinosaur servers we run here. If you can, find a non insubordinate way to let her know she needs to be just a tad bit more patient with the machines. Let the server think about what it wants to do. I left the usual instructions but whenever her majesty decides to grace us with her presence, could you make sure she reads it? It isn't a paycheck or an award so I am pretty sure she won't read it otherwise." I could still hear Cindy laughing at my horrible barb as the elevator doors closed off the floor. The response was obviously fake, done solely for my benefit. The soft ring of the elevator bell as I descended the building to my next appointment corresponded with the words running through my mind, as if to accentuate the terrifying thought I couldn't keep from invading my senses...She *ping* liked *ping* me *ping* This, this was not good. I could not let her get to me. She was too close to the Lynx. She would be the one to unlock my secret, or something worse...

The remaining appointments in my work order book went more smoothly than the Lynx's. I did not have to pretend that a problem existed, and was able to move through the issues quickly. Doing so allowed me to make my way to the cafeteria in time to beat the lunch crowd. I always assumed that at the end of High School the world would become a better place. An environment that was not ruled by petty school yard politics and cliques. The state of our lunch room alone helped me realize just how wrong this hypothesis was. Our department, made up of six men spread over three double offices in the basement of the building, sat alone at one table. The secretaries ate together, as did the admins, the marketers, and the human resources associates. The only time we spent time with the rest of the lunch room was when we would need to respond to some tech emergency. Harry and I are the computer techs. Network, printer, viruses, all our domain. He sat across the table from me, a very large bowl of fruit in front of him. The juices from the meal dripping over his chops while he wrapped his tongue around another strawberry. John and Barry are brothers. A pair of Siberian Huskies with the ability to make phone systems call as of yet established numbers on Mars if they are so requested. They nodded to me as I approached, their eyes honed upon the plates that held the mushroom covered, gravy soaked Salisbury steaks activating their salivary glands. The final two members of our outcast department are Carl and Randy. They work on all the miscellaneous items in the building, copiers, television sets, and the like. Carl is a very lithe rat, while Randy is an overly optimistic opossum. I try not to think too hard on the meals they attempt to pass off as food. The five of them chittered away as I slowly chewed at my hamburger, very rare. I always have been a bit of an antisocial cat, so it was nothing out of the ordinary for me to not join in the never ending prattle the men liked to share. I usually allowed my mind to drift away from the table as they insisted on repeating the same never ending rhetoric of the underappreciated IT guy life. I paid attention now though, longing for something to focus on. Something that would keep me grounded and away from that place where a pained lynx's face awaited me. I learned something that day. These men are quite possibly the most annoying people I know. I wonder now if it is school yard politics that force us to always eat together, or if the complaining and the sense that we know more, are god's gift to the masses longing to master the technology that has clearly already won the war, has caused us to ostracize ourselves from those not in immediate need of tech support. "Hey Toby? You still with us buddy?" It appeared I had been able to wander away from the conversation. As usual, Harry pulled me back from the place I had attempted to flee from, "Come on kitten, we're all dying to know how things went with your two hundredth user error with that smoking Lynx." He played the Casanova well, but anyone with a nostril worth a damn could smell he hadn't slept with a woman in years. "Oh, she wasn't there. Had to do all the work alone, well, with one exception. Her assistant was there." I said nothing more and continued eating the bloody beef in my paws. They would take what they would of my mention of Cindy. The pack of attention starved men did not need my help to arrive at the conclusions they did. Harry of course came to the most vulgar ones while the others egged him on to more detailed explanations of his version of the story.

There were more requests on my desk when I returned from lunch. Mark is the IT supervisor, I never saw him passed my interview. He is a bit of a legend in our offices, being the only crypto to work for the company. He riles over our department silently, placing our job requests on our desks while we are out at lunch or are taking care of other jobs. We turn our finished slips to the basket outside his perpetually closed office door at the end of the day and from time to time he lets us know how well we've performed in our duties with a rare email. I personally enjoy my relationship with my manager. Harry had somehow beaten me back to the office. He sat leaning back in his chair, feet kicked up on the desk as his claws rested gently behind his head. The entire scene haloed by his leathery wings, stretched so tight in front of his desk lamps I could see the veins within pulsing rapidly. He was excited about something, the speed with which his blood flowed through the thin folds of skin always proves the best indication of the man's emotional state. He would not offer the reason for his joyful attitude unless I asked. I had no intention of doing so and moved my way to the stack of work slips on my desk. That is where I found the reason:

Name: Cindy Felix Office: 1042 Issue: Files Missing

I fought the urge to groan. Harry was already chuckling to himself as his claws clicked their way along the floor until he stood behind me. I could feel his eyes scanning my back, hoping to catch some reaction from me as I read through the orders. I disappointed him with my lackluster response and he jumped to my side, his overbearing laughter echoing through the office as one paw slapped my across my back and he pulled Cindy's issue tape from between my fingers. "Well Toby my boy it looks like I may have underestimated you! Whatever you did this morning, I bow to your brilliance my man." I took the order from him and left the office. I never understood how he hasn't gotten the hint that I do not like him. Somehow, I still have to deal with these little moments of boy's clubdom with him. I still chuckle to myself as I breath deep and smell the actual boy's club he belongs to. She greeted me with that friendly smile again. It was accompanied by a long release of a deep breath. It was the kind of reaction one gives when they've been waiting and are very excited at the arrival of another. I had grown used to a slightly less excited version of the response, but even when one's computer is literally melting from the inside they do not show the glee Cindy was displaying at seeing me. I needed to find her files and leave before I gave the cat any hope "I am so happy you're here Toby. Ms. Fischer is going to kill me! I was working on this client list for her, it's like five years of all the work she has done, and I saved it, went to lunch, and now I can't find it. If I've lost her bible, I won't be here tomorrow!" "All right Cindy, I understand, just take a deep breath. We will find your files OK?" She nodded and followed my instructions. Her chest extended further than necessary to fill her lungs with air, "Now, you're absolutely certain you saved the list on your main profile right?" "My main profile?" She pouted, trying to comprehend my question, "I only have one don't I?" "Well, yes and no. As far as you're aware, you only have the main. However, as a failsafe to profile corruption we have created an invisible backup profile that during the nightly system audit copies and saves everything you have done throughout the day," She nodded along with my words, pretending to understand what I was saying. I was only doing so to waste time, words that caused my mind to think on my job, and not on the memories that were trying to move their way to the surface of my thoughts, "this way, we can easily re-establish your existence in the event of a crash. It's very rare, but it is possible to accidentally access and save files to this profile manually if you wanted to. May I take a peek and see if this is what you've done?" She vacated her seat for me and I followed the correct file path to her backup profile. I did not find the file I was looking for there. With a sigh I checked her recycle bin. She bit her lower lip as the first file listed in the directory was titled clientlist.doc. I should not have been surprised to find the missing document there. I smiled at her and showed had found the wayward list. This resulted in her throwing her arms around my neck and squeezing me in an awkward thank you hug. "Thank you Toby! You literally saved my life. I don't even know how it got there, but a million times thank you!" "You don't need to thank me, I am just doing my job. Hey," I nodded toward her door, "do you think she'd mind if I popped in real quick and make sure she is all connected from this morning?" "She actually hasn't come in. Weird right?" "Yeah, very weird" Not really.

When I returned home that night I stripped to my fur and returned to my easy char. My coffee mug from the morning lay on it's side. The fabric still held the smell of my release. I did not sleep that night.

It had been Two days since I killed her.