FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

I was right when I thought that the subject about my...gender...wouldn't be dropped. It loomed over us all afternoon through town as we scoured each and every appropriate building for what we needed for my costume. What felt like three hours was really just over one hour spent shopping, and I was almost certain Maria was going to ask about it at some point; no matter how determined she was to hide her curiosity. I never once blamed her, though; everyone who knew about it was curious at first; and once I told them I'd be met with disbelief, shock, sometimes amusement or a mix of all three.

The more I dwelled on what reaction Maria might have once I told her about it, the more reluctant I was feeling about opening up to her. You open up to someone and you risk having your insides torn apart, but if you're closed up all the time you never have someone to talk to when you need them most; and by the time I'd decided on risking the first option, Maria had already managed to guide me over to a Costabucks, no doubt wanting to talk about this over a cup of coffee.

"Feel like getting a coffee? I'm a little exhausted after that trek." Maria smiled to me, hiding her true intentions; badly, I might add. So I figured I'd play along, not having much else to lose.

"You had a coffee at my place not just over two hours ago." I forced a laugh and a smile, opening the door so she could go in first, also opening me up to the delightful smell of fresh coffee. "Granted, the coffee I buy isn't the best...you're not a coffee addict, are you?"

"There's nothing wrong with treating myself to another coffee; and you be grateful I'm getting you one, as well." The amber Fox snapped back playfully, still forcing a smile. "Go ahead and tell me what you want, then grab a couple of seats."

"One tall cafe latte, three brown sugars." I ordered back over the noise of what had to be ten, maybe twelve people. It seemed unlikely that we would find a quiet place to talk, until I looked to the far back and found a secluded, padded area where nobody else in the coffee shop would hear us.

I unzipped my coat, placed it down and sat myself down so I could see the rest of the coffee shop; Maria had just ordered and set herself around the counter so she could wait for our coffee to come along, giving me a few minutes to simulate what might happen between me and her and what questions she might ask and what my answers would be.

So, does it hurt? She would ask.

No. It functions just like any other...but it does stop at the womb. I would reply.

So no fallopian tubes? No egg cells? She would ask.

No. Meaning no chance of pregnancy and no periods. I would reply.

_Did you have it from birth or did you have a sex change?_She would ask.

From birth.

Do any doctors know about it? Does your family? Friends? She would ask it all in a rush.

Some doctors know about it, but they don't spread it around lightly. All my family knows, as well as some friends, but they don't bring up the subject very often. Most of the time I think they forget it's even there.

...so what do you make of it?

That was the only question I was unable to answer; I was never sure what to think. I never wasted any time blaming some God, should one exist, for what was clearly my genes thinking 'fuck it; let's do something wild with this one'. One of my doctors said hermaphroditism or gender 'defects' were more common than people thought; not that there was one on every street, but the odds weren't as slim as people thought. I was perfectly capable of living independently; it was my love-life that took the biggest impact, not that I ever even started dating before. I was too nervous; my potential partner would only last as far as a few months before getting into my pants and finding out.

"Got the coffee." I heard Maria chime as she sat down next to me, placing my coffee in front of me and knocking me out of my trance. "You know, for just less than seventy pounds, we did pretty well with this costume idea."

"Yeah..." I said quietly, waiting for the point where she'd finally ask what she'd been meaning to ask for the past two hours. We were in the right place, this might as well be the right time.

"...so I guess we should talk about what happened at your place." Maria finally gave in. I could see her smile drop from the corner of my eye. "How do you want this to go?"

"What do you want to know about...it?" I asked, surveying the room for anyone that might be listening in before looking down and drumming my fingers on my mug, beginning to feel my insides tighten up again.

"Well...you know what; first off you don't have to be ashamed of what you are!" Maria snapped, but quietly. She could easily tell just how embarrassed I was; not because of her finding out; I was just embarrassed with myself. "You're a good guy, Pepper. You can't get yourself all up in a knot over this. You're the same Dog I met at work yesterday."

"My doctor said that; and a therapist I had as a kid." I replied, trying to get used to the subject we were talking about. It felt like all the simulating I had done for the past five minutes never happened. "It doesn't exactly make me feel any better about having girl-parts...or you finding out about it."

"Nobody can help you if you don't let them." Maria retorted, her words stinging more than I'd like to admit. "I'm not going to pretend to know how you feel; and if it makes you feel any better, I'm not going to tell anyone ever."

"Thank you." I whispered just so she could hear. My throat had gone dry from anxiety; I had to take a large gulp from my mug before we carried on.

"Does it hurt at all? Is...is everything there?" Maria asked, making her concern clearer than her curiosity.

"No, it never hurts. Everything stops at the womb, though." I answered, satisfied that I could talk again and that it was still only me and her in this conversation. "No fallopian tubes, no egg cells, meaning no chance of pregnancy or anything else females usually go through; much like how all other variations of hermaphroditism works; we're always born sterile."

"Trust me; you're not missing out there." Maria half-sighed half-laughed, managing to get a real smile out of me today. I knew that since I was a teenager; it was just the way she stated it that got me to smile. "Does anyone else know? Family, friends?"

"My family; but we've never had a heart-to-heart talk about it." I admitted. I can't remember ever opening up to anyone about my gender issues, friend or family. "Five close friends, as well; including you, that is."

"So I'm not the first friend you've told?" She almost looked relieved; she was certainly beaming once I said I considered her a close friend. Maria may be my supervisor at work, but we hardly judge each other based on our jobs. "That definitely takes the pressure off of me."

"You think this is pressure?" I smirked, taking two small gulps of coffee before continuing, "Mary, try explaining the birds and the bees to a twelve year old who was born a bee but had a bit of bird in him."

That time I did get her to smile and even begin to laugh; I smiled back at her, ensuring her that I was joking and I was fine with her laughing. It felt like a relief, finally talking to someone about my body. I mean it was a bit of an issue when I learned about the basics of sex in school and had someone else translate it especially for me, but it wasn't as if it left me mentally scarred for life. In any case it was better off that way, rather than me learning with my own initiative.

We both shared a long silence; Maria was probably processing everything I told her, and I was comfortable enough to let her as I finished off my coffee.

"I'm glad we talked about this." I said quietly, breaking the silence and getting Maria to turn and face me. "I've never talked to anyone about this before; but it feels good to let it all out...so thanks."

"You don't have to thank me." Maria replied quietly, snaking her right arm around me and pulling me into a half-hug. "I was happy to have you open up to me." I was happy to stay in the position we were in for a while longer, no matter who might've been watching; her fur was soft, smooth and comforting. I was almost never held like that in my life, so I never really got used to the feeling; but with Maria, everything felt so...right; as if there was nothing to worry about.

"...I need to take some measurements for your costume, by the way." It was her turn to break the silence again; she withdrew her arm slowly and rubbed my back twice. We'd both finished our coffees and were ready to get moving again. "Are we heading to your place or mine?" I opened my mouth to answer, but was cut short by Maria's phone ringing. "Crap, that's probably Ellie. Do you mind if I take this?"

"Go ahead. I'll put my coat back on and meet you outside." I replied, stretching my whole body and grabbing my things as I got up to go.

From what I could see the sun was almost done setting; it would take a while for me and Maria to get back to my place, and I don't live in the friendliest neighbourhood. She mentioned that her place was closer; about ten or fifteen minutes away from the centre of town, but I didn't exactly pack for a sleepover, and I would have to remember how to get back to my place from there; not to mention Ellie was the 'very friendly' type. The first time I met her she lifted me up and almost snapped me in half with a hug; that was just over two months ago. I dreaded to think what she'd have in store for 'a long lost friend'. She wasn't a bad person, though; she probably just didn't know her own strength.

"Okay; it looks like we'll be doing this at my place." Maria announced, placing both hands on my shoulders to make her presence known. "Ellie's date just screwed her over again and she's had enough and could use some...female company."

"Am I going to be intruding?" I asked, not bothering to squirm out of her grasp to face her. "She doesn't think 'all males are scumbags', does she?"

"Nah; she just has a tough love-life." Maria shook my comment off, removing her hands from my shoulders and taking the lead as we made our way to her place. "Her boyfriends aren't used to her...friendliness. She actually thinks you're kind of cute."

"Seriously? I met her once." I said in disbelief; no female thought I was cute. Creepy, strange, borderline insane, maybe; never cute, though.

"Yeah, but she notices you in town from time to time." She explained, taking a sharp left down an almost-empty street. "She never says hello because you always look like you're busy."

"Probably because I walk pretty fast." I defended. I never go into town unless I know what I'm there for; and even then I try to make it as quick as possible. "You never did say where you live."

"Just on the edge of town; you'll see." Maria reassured me. I had a good sense of direction, so it was just a matter of getting from her place to the centre of town and from there to my place. "It's a pretty large flat; enough to give me and Ellie some space if we need it. We also have a guest bed if you don't feel like walking home in the dark."

"I guess that would be best." I agreed. I'd be better off staying with Maria and Ellie for the night instead of walking home on a late Friday evening. "But I didn't exactly pack for a sleepover."

"We'll make it work without Ellie 'finding out'." Maria caught me off guard with that comment, bringing me to a brief halt. "What? She won't find out, and even if she does I doubt she'll make a big deal out of it...maybe..."

I could've done without that last comment. Now I was focusing less on the measurements for my costume and more on what it'd be like staying over at Maria's place for the night. As glad as I was to have had a heart-to-heart talk about my body, I still wasn't completely open with myself. It took a lot of effort on my part to talk to Maria about it; let alone one of her friends. In any case, I was glad to have her around; it would certainly make explaining to Ellie a whole lot easier, should it come to that.

...Hopefully it wouldn't...

*************************

"Well, here we are." Maria announced, coming to a halt just outside one of the few blocks of flats that surrounded the neighbourhood. We had been walking for about ten minutes; and at a fairly slow pace. I guessed that if I stood on the top floor I could just barely make out the town centre. "After you." She called out to me, holding the door open and pulling my view back down to ground level as I caught up with her.

Her neighbourhood certainly dwarfed mine in terms of appearance. People clearly made an effort with the area; it was quiet, peaceful and three parks and a large field were dotted about the landscape, the blocks of flats were smooth and grey on the outside instead of rough and brick-brown like the block I lived in; even the interior was well-decorated. The brick walls were covered up with cream wallpaper, the sterile-white tiles on the floor were completely intact; no scratches or marks. Anyone else would think the building was just recently made, when in reality it had been here for at least a decade.

"I live on the sixth floor, so I hope you don't mind stairs." Maria sighed as we started to make our way up. I could manage to scale six stories so long as she didn't mind me passing out on her sofa as soon as we made it.

"Hey, Merry!" I heard an almost booming voice come from above. "I saw you come in! Who's your friend?"

"Hey, Ellie! You remember Pepper, right?" Maria called back, breaking into small jumps up the stairs while I was still looking at the figure above me; just looking down from the sixth floor was a large, brown bear's beaming face. Her body was still concealed by the railing, however; but I'd be in for a surprise as soon as I reached the sixth floor.

"Ooh, come here, you mangy stray!" Ellie joked; I could already see Maria being pulled into a vicious bear-hug; I had already caught up to the fifth floor and it looked like Ellie had enough fur to soften the hug somewhat. In fact, it looked like she had more fur than clothing on her body.

"Pepper! It's been years since we last met!" The large bear joked once she saw me face to face. Only one flight of stairs was left between me and her; and once she detached herself from Maria I could see her whole body.

In fact, Ellie was almost stark-naked, wearing nothing but a pair of underwear and a bra that seemed to just barely keep her breasts from falling out. At first I was hoping her clothes were a little tight and her fur was slightly overgrown; but seeing the way she was dressed, or rather _wasn't_dressed, made me blush almost instantly. It certainly didn't help when she decided to ignore the stairs and lift me up the entire flight by my upper-arms, pulling me into the same hug she gave Maria, practically mashing me between her cleavage.

"Um, it's only been two months, Ell- AH!" I yelped, feeling the bear's arms start to tighten around me even more. As furry as they were, they were still mainly comprised of muscle; it was like being crushed by a boulder wrapped with pillows.

"Oops, sorry." Ellie laughed, breaking off the hug but still holding me above the ground, now pulling me into a fireman's lift, intending to carry me inside back-first. "Well then, let's get inside before you catch a cold."

"She gets very clingy when she's going through a breakup." I saw Maria mouth behind me, trying to seem apologetic for her friend's behaviour; my legs would've completely given out from embarrassment if Ellie had put me down.

One thing was certain; staying over was never going to be harmless.