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I wince gently. Apparently it was one hell of a big deal to the garou and I still didn't get why. I sigh softly and turn to Soothing.

"I got drugged and chased, when given the choice between that and my life I chose that. Later that choice got the lost caern back to us."

That makes Soothing recoil and blink. "Wait, a caern was lost?"

"Yeah, long story short, the werewolves lost their caern to the vampires in our world. My cock up prompted a very powerful mage to keep us from being pissed at him to repay me by granting me one wish. I wished for the caern to be returned to the garou."

Alex frowns gently "Wow, that's something but... How come you didn't wish for Tyr back?"

It wasn't exactly the easiest choice I'd ever made. I wanted Tyr back badly and that was the only chance I had at the time. But the mage or whatever the hell he was, Samuel Hate, was a force unto himself. There was little doubt in my mind that he would have brought 'my' Tyr back to me if I had wished it correctly. However that wouldn't change the fact that there would be a price to pay somewhere along the way.

The day I became a Nuwisha, a changing breed, I vowed that I would do 'anything' to get Tyr back. It's the first vow I made and broke within a short space of time. It was also the most stupid one I'd ever made. I wouldn't do anything to get Tyr back, because I refused to sacrifice anyone else but myself for his return. It was my mistake and it was mine to try to either fix or atone for. Two people had paid the price for me getting what I wanted, it was only right that I should be the one who pays for it.

I wince and hang my head. "You can't make a deal with a devil and expect no price. Believe me, I want Tyr back so badly it hurts. But it wasn't my first thought. I looked to the guidance of the others around me and they suggested that I wish for that. We were right that there is a price as the vampires are pissed about it and we're pretty much at war. But I dread to think what the price would have been had I have asked for Tyr to be returned to me. He lost his life so that I got mine back, if I were to keep it, who would have taken his place?"

"You seem to have learned your lesson at least there." says Soothing rather darkly.

Gee, anyone would think I'd upset him.

"Heh, the irony being as a Nuwisha, I'm supposed to do the teaching." I shake my head gently.

"So because you sacrificed your chance at getting Tyr back in exchange for the cairn, they overlooked a minor detail?" Alex asks.

"MINOR detail?! What the hell are you on about Alex? He gave a fucking bane blade to a Black Spiral dancer!" growls Soothing.

This is what's currently giving me a headache. I don't understand that a sword with some wyrm infestation could cause so much grief. It's a fucking sword, it can be retrieved. Life couldn't be just brought back. That's something I'd learned the hard way.

I sigh and shrug. "I don't get it either. It's like the pair of us are staring at the fucking elephant in the room but we couldn't hit it if we tried."

The look that Soothing is giving us reminds me of Tyr that one night he found I'd disobeyed him and snuck out. I'm barely resisting the urge to shift up into my manabozho form.

"Hold on a minute there Soothing. I think I'm starting to understand." says Alex.

Fuck me, I hope he does have an idea on this whole thing because I'm clueless.

"Please enlighten me if you would be so kind Alex, because I'm still trying to get a clue." I reply.

"Okay. Basically we're both looking at it from two different viewpoints that the garou or nuwisha, don't have. We were both mortal. Brought up in very different worlds than the one that garou go through. They live their lives fighting one evil after another in the hopes they'll eventually turn the tide in this war. We spend our lives trying to figure out what we actually want to do. It gives the wyrm a perfect chance to get in. Then we both became vampires, a whole new world there where time was something that didn't matter to us anymore. We could do pretty much what we wanted and it was only our survival that was paramount."

Well yes, I'd have thought survival was like top priority? I mean, Tyr certainly rated it up there as number one on his list. I certainly didn't disagree with his healthy 'let's keep living' attitude. Though granted at the time I was the undead so it was a bit of a moot point, but you get the idea.

"Okay, I get that our viewpoints will be skewed because of our history, but I don't get why they have to be so cruel when they're supposed to be the good guys."

"I think it's because our version of good guy isn't the real good guy. To us, Colt and Tyr appeared as the mythical 'knights on white horses'. Leading a valiant crusade against the forces of darkness. When the actual truth is that they were fighting an impossible fight and doing the harsh things that others won't do because that's what they needed to do. It basically boils down to us looking at them as Superman when in reality they're more like the Punisher." says Alex.

Okay, that makes sense. Though I'd never been one for the comic books, I understood the concept that the Punisher just made the punishment fit the crime where as Superman was like the epitome of law and order, the superhero who'd fix it all. Each of them tackled the problem in different ways because they viewed the world differently.

"So what you're saying is that we're the ones that need to readjust to this world instead of using our viewpoint to question why they should make certain decisions?" I reply.

I guess Tarquin might have been right, maybe I had been wearing the rose tinted glasses for a little too long. Being a vampire was pretty easy on the grounds you had to survive by whatever means you could get away with. Being human was pretty much the same. Being a werecreature seems to have a whole new level to it, a higher purpose that I just don't seem to have grasped yet.

"Yes and no. Remember, they've been doing this longer than you've been around. Granted yes they haven't won, but nor have they lost. So they must be doing some things right. What it generally boils down to is that the pair of us are rather naive about the world we're actually in. Although I personally agree with your decision that a sword isn't worth your life. What if that sword had been Tyr?"

"What?" I frown at him.

"I think that's where we're going wrong. We put self preservation above most of our own goals, apart from the ones which involve people we care about. I know that I'd put myself in danger to save the pack I belong to now, hell I already have done. Fighting the wyrm to them is just as big a goal as saving the ones they care about." he says.

So instead of thinking it as I want to protect them and keep them alive, I need to think that the only way to protect the ones I care about is to fight the root cause no matter what? Though that's garou thinking, I'm supposed to think like a Nuwisha.

"Youch. Not to put too big a dampner on your ideas there, but my rules are different to garou. I have a different set of guides to follow." I interject.

"Well ok, but you're part of a garou pack aren't you? You said Colt was your alpha?" says Alex.

I nod.

"Then you need to follow their rules as well as your own. So you'd be subject to the same laws and punishments if you wanted to be around them. If you honestly can't accept that right now, then I'd suggest you find a way out of your current situation or a way to deal with it." says Alex.

Well that's putting it bluntly. He's made a few very valid points and given me a lot to think about. I don't really want to go anywhere else because apart from Tyr, my pack are the only ones who've actually gotten to give two shits about me.

"What about you?" I enquire.

"I'm getting there. I think if I consider myself surrounded by Sabbat waiting for their chance then I think it'll put me in a better stead for a while until I can prove myself."

That's also a good way to think about it. The Sabbat vampires were notorious for making you prove yourself constantly or you'd just end up being eaten by someone.

"Well that's one way of looking at it. I don't really want to leave Colt and the others, so I guess I'd better find a way to deal."

Certainly one way to put it, what I certainly don't want is to have too much distance put between Colt and I. Though I keep managing to shove a wedge in there myself with each cock up.

"Well that made some sense to me and explains a bit more why you keep getting confused about some things, but I have to ask, what are the Sabbat?" interrupts Soothing.

"Errr... Well, do you remember me telling you that I was pretending to belong to a group of vampires called the Toredor?" says Alex.

Alex goes on to explain how vampire society considered itself to work. I kinda zoned out as this was a first hand lesson I'd already learned and was far from eager to repeat.

"I'd describe the Camarilla as a lot of things, I don't think 'good guys' would be on the list though." I remark dryly when he's done.

"I know, but this world doesn't have vampires so it's hard to explain." says Alex.

"No vamps? You lucked out then Alex. You get to hang out with a cute guy, don't have to worry about the vamps, got a younger brother. Nice little family you have going." I say.

I feel annoyed at the whole idea of this, that Alex gets a silver platter and I just can't keep the bitter edge out of my voice.

"I'm sorry it didn't go well for you Lawrence. If I could change it for you, I would." says Alex, gently laying his hand on my shoulder.

I'm being an ass. I sigh gently.

"I'm sorry Alex. It's hard to control the emotions. They often bubble over when I'm not expecting it and sometimes confuse me. I'm worried that sometimes what I'm feeling is just brought on by being new to the situation."

For example how I'm feeling about Colt or how much I currently want to smack Alex in his lucky gob because he's currently being carried through to stage one when I've blundered around.

"I get how you mean on that. Though I've been lucky here that I've been able to let them out instead of bottled up. I wish I could have been there for you." replies Alex.

I try to give him a smile, but it just doesn't reach my eyes, I'm all worlds of jealous.

"Thanks hun. I'm glad I was right about you though. I knew that even though your heart was dead, you'd find a way." I say, gently putting my hand on his. He blushes and squeezes my hand gently.

It was true though. I had tried to defend him to Colt, fuck knows why, but this guy wasn't a bad guy. Naive, over trusting and a touch self deluding, but not bad.

"Thanks Lawrence. Trust your feelings and the people around you. I know you can trust Colt with your life." says Alex.

This is slowly starting to become like Oprah, we keep expressing our feelings about things to each other and trying to work through it. I'm grateful to be able to speak to someone who at least still has a similar mind frame, but I hope I get out of here before he falls face first into the shit trap that garou life has in store for him. Though maybe I should think about showing him some of it and trying to lessen the blow.

"I already did. Twice." I reply.

"Didn't let you down did he?"

"Course not, I'm still here aren't I? Without Colt or the others, I don't know how long I'd have lasted." I smile softly, the thought of Colt making a twinge run through my chest. I wonder if he's alright, he's probably pissed that I've gone missing again.

I sigh and stretch, well, I'm getting nothing done like this. Not that I mind being a bit lazy, I haven't really had much time to myself. I wonder if Alex has gotten any gifts to use yet.

"So come on, what tricks have you picked up since being garou? I mean, you've been gone over a month. You must have had something done."

The look on his face makes it pretty clear that he was a little shocked about that news.

"A.... A MONTH?! I've only been gone a week and a bit! I only became a garou three days ago!"

Soothing coughs, "Erm, actually, you were in Erebus for the rest of the time."

I smirk softly. Well then, I should impart what little wisdom I've gotten onto him. Got bugger all else to do and I still remember the crash course I got in transforming. That wasn't fun.

"Well that's a bit of a shit. However, since we don't really have anything else to do right now, I'll give you a crash course in what I've learned. Come on, let's take a trip to the Umbra." I stand up and hold my hand out to him.