Chapter 4 - Here, Hold This Looking Glass.

"Urgh, I'm not really eager to go back to the burning river any time soon." says Alex.

I blink and look at him, what on earth is he on about?

Soothing coughs. "You weren't in the umbra there, you used it to travel to the land of Erebus. Erebus is one of the lands that is within the Umbra. There are other ones that we know of, but getting to them isn't so easy."

Oh, that explains it. I had heard there were more worlds within the umbra, but you required special ways to get there. Of course no one would tell me what the other worlds were or how to get there. I usually get the 'you're not ready' which is true, I probably am not. Still it's hardly going out of their way to impart a little wisdom instead of drinking another martini. Penny wasn't exactly a fountain of information.

"Oh... So what's the umbra look like then?" asks Alex.

"If you get up off your ass, grab something shiny then I'll show you." I grin. This should be fun.

He grabs a little mirror on the side after looking around.

"Okay, so now what?" Alex asks.

"The umbra is attached to this world. To get to it, you pass through the gauntlet. The shiny surface, look into it and realise that it's just a door. It's right there in front of you, feel the connection within yourself and see the door then..." I grin at the pair. "You step."

I focus on that connection within me, it flows easily to me now, I sidestep, passing through the gauntlet with ease and emerging into the Umbra. I turn around and focus hard on the connection again, this time just using my eyes. I gaze back into the real world and watch Soothing and Alex talk for a few moments, before both sidestep. Soothing passes through with ease, looks like Alex might be a little bit, but at least he didn't get stuck.

So now I'm here in the umbra, with Soothing Song, who looks identical to Ryan. Well yay.

"Looks like Alex is going to be a little while." I remark.

"So it seems." he says coolly.

"Look, I'm sorry that I wound you up. I hope you understand how different and difficult it actually is for both Alex and I to actually adjust to this life. We're both trying to atone for mistakes, I'd have hoped that would speak volumes considering the weight we're now both trying to carry."

"It is not my position to judge you." he replies.

"No... But even though I guess I've been a coward, I don't want to fail people. I know I did fail there and from what I know it could have cost me my life. But even if I went down fighting, I wouldn't have changed the outcome. Had I not been drugged, things would have been different and possibly I would not be talking to you right now."

"You trying to convince me you're not a coward?"

"I'm not a coward. I did make a bad judgement call, but at the time I felt I had to do it to survive which as I must point out I'm trying to break a two hundred year old mindset."

"So you saying I should be grateful that you're admitting you made a bad judgement call?"

I put my hand over my eyes, I'm not doing myself any favours here.

"Look I'm sorry. I'll get out of the way as soon as I can."

I turn around and head out the door, the umbra is pretty much a copy of the real world to me, only most of the buildings are made of web like meshes. Some of them have little spider like creatures scuttling across them. They're the minions of the weaver, keeping weaver type creations in check and maintained. I ignore them, they leave you alone if you leave them alone and don't fuck about with their stuff.

I head outside and into the parking lot. A glance around shows there's nothing else here. I can't tell if there's anything dangerous nearby at the moment, but it doesn't appear so. I'll worry about it if it happens.

Soothing has come down as well and looks at me. I look back at him as it seems to become a staring competition, neither of us looking away.

"Is there a reason to this stare down?" I ask.

"I'm not sure if I should trust you or not. Alex told me of his crimes and now you too have issues. I can understand the idea that you did it out of self preservation, but I am struggling to comprehend how you do not understand the total implications of what you did."

I sigh and rub my neck. "I guess that's because I've lived over two hundred years. Self preservation is pretty high on your priority to live that long. You're incorrect if you think I don't understand what the actual damage this has done. Believe me, I'm more than aware, when I get back I'm going to be going after the bastard that did that to me. The only consolation I have is that it wasn't the black spiral who walked away with the sword. He died, just not by my hand."

"So who took the sword?"

"A very powerful mage. One who's arrogance was so great that he offered me my heart's desire in thanks for falling so nicely into his trap. Don't mistake it Soothing, this guy is frightening. He breaks all the known rules. I could have wished that no one was upset about what I did, I could have asked for Tyr back. I could have done a lot of things. I chose the thing that would benefit my pack, not what would save me. I didn't think about what leeway it would buy me, I did it for my pack, not me." I turn and face him with all the conviction of my choice in my eyes.

"So, you would have accepted the punishment for your transgression?" asks Soothing.

"Anything that wouldn't have cost me or anyone I care about their lives, then yes I would have. Colt told me that I needed to accept it to be part of the pack and although I don't agree. I'll accept their rules." I reply.

He looks thoughtful and then a soft smile appears on his face and my heart judders in me. I hadn't seen that smile in over a century.

"I'm being a little harsh yeah. You obviously are starting to settle into it and it would be unfair of me to judge you on your words when I haven't seen your actions."

"Oh I'd be happy to show you any action you like darlin." I say without even thinking about it. Forgetting for a moment that I'm talking to a werewolf, not my dead lover.

Soothing shakes his head and smirks. "Don't push it."

The memory blooms in my mind like an old flower.

"Come on Lawrence, you know that we should be out there showing our beautiful art to the world! No one compares to us when we dance, we owe it to everyone to show them how the art of the dance can stir you!" laughs Ryan. He's prancing besides me, full of a glee that he gets whenever he's had a stomach full of handsome noble blood and probably an ass full of noble too.

_ _

"Yes I understand Ryan, however that is not our mistresses' will. You know that as well as I do to go against her is to court true death. I too wish to dance for all to see me, yet we are her servants, not her equals. Please put the notion out of your head and allow our mistress to do as she sees fit." I smile softly at him, trying to soften the edge of my remark.

_ _

He huffs and shakes his head. "Tch, Lawrence, you will never be a force to be reckoned with if you are content to lick her boots."

_ _

I grab him and spin him around, pressing him up the stone wall. My arm under his chin, my fangs sliding out from my lips and I hiss a little.

_ _

"Watch your tongue Ryan. I may not be the mistress, but I would be more than a match for you." I drop him down the wall and he looks at me in shock.

_ _

I let a smile slide across my lips and I hold out my hand to him. "That tongue is as skilled as your dancing when it comes to the bedroom. Do not let it wag in the breeze so often, it would pain me to lose such a glorious talent."

_ _

His cool hand slips into mine and I pull him up and against my body. I pull him close to me and my arms encircle his waist.

_ _

"Words have power Ryan, be wary where you wield it. Once you reveal power, you cannot hide it forever."

I feel myself being shoved back and I blink, Soothing is growling at me.

"The fuck do you think you're doing?!" he snarls.

"I... I don't..." I shake my head again.

The fuck is wrong with me?! I could have sworn I felt Ryan's arms around me then, his lips, the taste was still on mine. I had been there, in that hallway over a century ago and we had... That doesn't explain why Soothing shoved me, what did I just do?

"Ryan, I'm sorry, I, d-d-don't know, wh-wh-what came over m-m-m-me."

I'm stuttering, I haven't stuttered in over two fucking centuries! What is wrong with me?! Alex chooses that moment to show himself. I try to compose myself and play it cool.

"Ah, we were worried you'd gotten lost then."

Alex doesn't respond and is giving me a look that I'm pretty sure had he had his old powers, I'd be running screaming right now. The fuck just happened? Did I just play out that memory for real? Was that why Soothing shoved me back? Oh god I hope I'm not going crazy. First things first, concentrate on what I need to do 'now' and stop thinking about then.

"Hello? Earth to Alex?" I say.

He snaps his head up and blinks.

"Sorry, I must have taken the long way in or something."

Well yeah, it was his first time, hardly a surprise it took him that long to get through. I'm told it can take quite some time to get through if you're not used to it. I got lucky and since day one I've had a natural affinity to passing through.

"I wouldn't worry, it happens. Stepping through the gauntlet can be difficult, though I should have been a bit less smart assed and done it in a place where it's a bit thinner instead of a motel." I grin at him to try to cheer him up a little.

"So you gonna show me or what?" he snaps.

Well that worked. Oh shit. I'm betting he's crushing on Soothing. If he just saw me playing out that little scene I 'thought' was going off in my head, then.. Eeesh.... This is going to be more than a tad difficult for me.

With some very stoic expressions from Alex, I show him each of the forms he should be able to transform into. Keeping my mind occupied and trying to avoid the thoughts of what the fuck I might have just tried to do to Soothing.

"So, you gonna try it?"

I shift back up into my manabozho form and stretch out.

"Go on then Alex, show him what you can do." says Soothing.

I smirk gently and watch Alex close his eyes and call on his beast. I can feel the smile sliding from my face as he starts to get bigger and bigger and bigger. Holy fucking hell, he's enormous! His body stretches up and out, his height increasing to about 20ft tall, his arms long and corded with muscles, his thighs were as big as my waist! The claws on his hands were like wicked knives and his feet looked like they could squash trash cans like they were beer cans. His fur was almost white but I could tell it was more like a silvery grey. Across his eyes was a black stripe. I can feel myself step back when those enormous eyes open and bore into me.

"Holy fuck, you're huge!" I blurt out.

I have to admit, being stood beneath him like this is very freaking intimidating. He's like this powerhouse of claws and fur.

"What's wrong?" he says.

I look up again and blink, was he serious? He's looming over me with a muzzle full of razor sharp teeth and arms big enough to give a fucking polar bear a big hug and he's asking me what's wrong?

"Your fur... It's not the same colour as before." says Soothing.

Oh, he wasn't talking to me. Wait, he's a different colour? That's a strange thing to say.

"Huh?" says Alex.

"When you changed the first time, you were a mucky brown and black. Now your fur is a bright grey, almost white, apart from around your eyes, it's black." says Soothing.

Alex starts to look down himself, checking out his new body properly. He starts looking down at his legs, then I spot a blush crawling up his neck and cheeks. His ears flatten back against his skull. My suspicions were confirmed when he cups his groin with his enormous paws, barely covering the larger equipment there. I almost start laughing, I'd forgotten about this little extra part. Inwardly I was jealous though.

"You're just gonna have to get used to that hun, seriously, don't worry about your dick swinging in the breeze, any person who see's you that's 'not' a garou will be going gaga. Seriously, I mean seriously insane. Humans can't handle seeing stuff like that and keep their heads. You're gonna want to be discreet and never let them see you change, unless you're gonna off them." I say.

"How come you have jeans?" he asks.

"Quirk of the breeds. Plus I didn't get the added size bonus like you." I respond.

He starts to squirm a little, the blush obvious below his rather lightly coloured fur, it's quite adorable. Well, I mean, it will be when I can get over how funny it looks.

"So how come I wasn't naked after the last time I transformed?" he asks.

"Oh, we took care of that. There's a detailed explanation as to what we did, but I'll do that later, short version, we used our power on them." Says Soothing.

"Oh, so you totem dedicated them?" says Alex.

"Yes, how the hell did you know about that?" replies Soothing

"I was curious as to why I didn't get to see Colt naked more often if he lost clothes every time he changed." says Alex timidly.

I burst out laughing. That's the Alex I knew, he might get embarrassed easier than me, but we're both dig a good looking naked man. Shame, I hadn't seen Colt in his beast form yet, though I have to confess I hadn't seen him in much other than hunting gear, seeing him in less would be quite welcome.

Wait, if I was perving over him and Tyr in their tiger forms, does that make me into bestiality? Oh god, I can see this giving me a headache to figure out. I mean, I can see the masculine attraction and there's a certain something about the whole flavour of beast giving a hit of fear and superiority to the man. Oh bugger to it, I'll think about it later before I pop a blood vessel.

"Well, you seem to be getting a grasp on your beast somewhat Alex. I'm surprised, it took me a bit to get in touch with mine, but then again, I wasn't exactly in a position where people could welcome me with open arms." I say, the last piece of bitterness creeping in again. I really need to try and get a handle on that.

I look up at Alex, hoping that he hadn't gotten too pissy at that comment and I frown. He looks to be thinking too hard about something, then all of a sudden, I notice tears sliding down his cheeks from his large eyes.

"Alex.. Why are you crying?" I ask.

He looks startled and then puts his hand on the damp trails on his cheeks.

"I.. I just was thinking too hard about something..." he replies.

Whatever it was, it was bad enough to make you start crying in beast form. You're supposed to be all rar and scarey, not 20ft and weepy. I'm gonna have to be guessing that it's just him adjusting to the emotions still.

"The emotions you're feeling are bound to be strong hun, I know you've not been dead as long as I was, but you clung to your humanity and getting it back will be a shock to your system. Some feelings will be stronger than others due to the... Circumstances that you're put in." I look away from him as I try to avoid thinking about what I was actually feeling.

"What are you hiding Lawrence?" he growls at me.

"Huh?" I blink.

"You're wanting to tell me something but you don't want to actually say it. You've done this ever since I've known you. Saying something without actually saying it. Well, since you're reacting strangely every time I mention Colt then it has to do with him." Alex growls.

I give a slow and long blink. Fuck. How did he get 'this' insightful? I knew he was pretty good at reading emotions before, but now, this was a whole new level and he was reading me like a book. Inwardly I sigh, there's only one way out of this and I need to tell the truth, pissing him off doesn't really seem to be the smartest idea, which I may end up doing. But if I don't tell him the truth then I doubt I'd get away with it.

"Okay, of course, I should have known better. Look, after I lost Tyr, I was given a chance by the pack and Colt was the one who actually spent a little time with me and I got to like him. I'm worried that the feelings might just be me clinging to the first shred of kindness shown me. I do kind of like him alright? I'm sorry, I shouldn't have brought it up."

"No, you should not. Now are you going to teach me more?" he growls at me.

I flinch and feel my ears flatten against my skull. What kind of response was I expecting? Here was me telling him I liked the man he loved and on top of that he couldn't be with him, but I could. I guess I should just be grateful he hasn't smacked me one. Well, better stick with practical lessons before I get smashed about the place.

"When you are either in the umbra or the physical world, you can peer from one to the other using the same principal as you used to get here. However instead of physically stepping here, you just use the shiny surface to look through the gauntlet. Be aware, doing this will leave you blind and deaf to whatever realm you are currently in." I say.

He looks around, I'm guessing to find a reflective surface.

"Don't worry, you can practice that later. I guess right now we should go with the basic let's see how you fight."

"You serious? I'll break you." he says.

"Maybe. You're bigger than anyone else I've sparred with, but as long as neither of us use claws or fangs, we shouldn't die. Besides, your size is going to make this difficult for you. I have bigger targets to hit now than before and I'm betting that you're not used to it fully yet. I've had time to acclimatise to my new form." I respond with some confidence.

I hadn't been a slouch with my fighting skills. I'd just kept them very well hidden. Only Tyr ever knew what my full capabilities had been before I got transformed. I was a dancer and I used that to build my speed. I then learned how to be more than just quick with my feet. If I kicked you, you'd sodding know about it for quite some time. I just made sure that anyone who had come across me as a weakling, learned very quickly that I could hold my own and that they didn't get to tell anyone about it.

"So you're saying that I get to hit you basically?" he says.

"You get to try, yes."

The grin that splits that huge muzzle of his is borderline terrifying. If I didn't know any better, the friend of mine was looking forward to attempting opening a can of whoop ass on me. Screw it, I did know better, he was looking forward to attempting to lamp me one. I can't help but gulp.

"Let's go." he says and darts forward, his arm forward in a thrusting punch.

We spend some time practicing. Alex seems to be fighting pretty well, but at the same time he's starting to get pissed about the fact he can't lay a hand on me. Then he seems to really lose it and put on a burst of speed I'd never have expected and I barely get my guard up to the last blow.

"Fuck, that was close. Damn, I've never actually gone up against someone pushing themselves like that. Didn't realise you'd channel your rage like that so fast." I comment.

"You keep talking about rage as if it's a living entity within me, what gives?"

"Well, from what I've gathered, rage is similar to what we used with blood. Most were creatures can draw on the power of their rage to enable them to be faster, ignore pain or in some cases increase their very strength." I say.

"Oh, so you use yours to move faster?" he asks.

"I don't have rage, it's not a gift that the nuwisha possess." I reply.

"The fuck?!" says Soothing, "You serious? You move that fast without tapping into rage?!"

A smile breaks out across my muzzle. I'd surprised everyone in the pack with my fighting speed. They had all assumed I was a flamboyant gay man. Which I was, but I just wasn't stupid enough to assume that I'd never have to defend myself. The fact that I'd suddenly proven myself to be one of the more seasoned warriors really caught them all off guard.

"Surprise. That's why I'm one of the main warriors for our pack."