Skin
Just some vent writing I've been meaning to post here. Constructive criticism is greatly appreciated
I let out a sigh as I descended the worn-down staircase, phone in hand, wondering what I should listen to. Between the Buried and Me? Nah, not now. Not in the mood for Renard right now either. I decided to go with PIANO. Daniel Tompkins always gets me through moods like this.
The test review really didn't help me much at all. I already knew everything we went over, but I couldn't skip class because what if I missed something? I approached the front doors of Lupton Hall, only to see the blonde girl in front of me push the door and just continue walking without bothering to check behind her to see if anyone was coming. Typical. I'm sure most guys would take that moment to stare at her firm-looking butt and picture her naked, bent over their bed. Not me. I just got caught up in being annoyed at her lack of courtesy and caught the door before it slammed shut. I looked behind me to see if anyone was coming, but there was no one, so I continued outside only to flinch from the sudden slam of the door. They ought to fix that fucking thing.
It wasn't particularly cold outside, but there was a slight breeze, so I pulled my hood over my head. It smelled like it needed to be washed, but I didn't really care. It wasn't like anyone was going to get close enough to me to smell it anyway. The clock bell chimed in the distance, ringing twelve times, followed by my song starting again. It ended already? I always play it on repeat because it seems to end too quickly. I made my way around the giant boulder that just seemed to appear one day in the middle of the walkway. I guess it was to stop cars from driving through this way. I took a deep breath and exhaled with the blowing wind. "
Should I go get something to eat or just go back to my room," I thought to myself. My body made a right at the fork right before the library, so I guess I was going back to my room. I looked to the left to see the construction workers continuing their work on the new fountain in the plaza. They had planted flowers over the weekend in the area surrounding the walkway around the fountain. They looked perfect and were placed in a repeating pattern. Pink, yellow, white, other pink, purple, pink yellow, white... Everything always has to be about looks. It had to look symmetrical to be aesthetically pleasing. Otherwise, it would look like actual nature. God forbid we should let nature persevere over us.
I walked in a calculated manner, keeping track of how often I stepped on or very close to gaps in the sidewalk with each foot. I didn't actually count, but my feet felt unbalanced if I did this too many times with one foot. I walked past a Dunkin Donuts sugar packet that was wet enough for the sugar to seep through, which attracted a few ants. I stepped over it, leaving them to feast on the artificial sugar most likely misplaced by a lonely office man who brought in coffee for the women in the office next to him, hoping that one day they would notice him. I walked past the front of the administrative building and looked at the old fountain in the middle of the roundabout in front of it.
"Who the fuck designed that? It looks like someone is taking a piss from underneath it; why is the stream so weak?" I sighed again, watching the wet leaves blow past with the wind. Wet leaves are treacherous. That was one of the only things from Driver's Ed that stuck with me. My teacher for that was a fat, balding, old man who seemed too grumpy to be a teacher. At least his angry rants were entertaining enough to keep us all awake. Ugh, high school sucked anyway.
I took my phone out of my pocket and changed the song. I didn't want to overplay it too much. I walked around the blacked out fence which surrounded the area I used to walk through to get to the old dining hall. There was too much construction going on. I thought it was bullshit how I had been a part of the campus for two years and had never seen a time where there weren't areas closed off because they were building something new. I would never even be able to see the accomplishments of the many long hours put in by these people because I was planning on graduating before they were scheduled to be finished.
I found it kind of sad how I was walking past many people and not even saying anything to them. I probably had a few things in common with everyone, but everyone seemed to be on edge. It was "weird" to just smile and spark a conversation with a stranger. I kept walking, trying not to make eye contact with anyone. I was afraid they'd think I was up to something. Maybe they would make a face. Maybe they would laugh. I would probably die if they saw me smile and they laughed at me. I would just collapse on the ground and writhe in pain until my heart stopped beating and they would walk right past me as if I weren't even there. It smelled like it was going to snow, but it still wasn't very cold or even that cloudy. My hands were starting to feel cold anyway, like they always did. I could never figure out how to stop them from becoming cold or shaking.
I swiped my student ID card at the front door of the residence hall, gaining access to the building where I spent four days a week sleeping. I glanced at my card, noticing the fake smile I put on when they took my picture. Funny, people always smile in pictures, even though they're rarely happy when the pictures are taken. Or are they happy? I certainly wasn't. I hated getting my picture taken. "Smile nice!" my mother would always pout when she took my picture. I had to force myself to pretend I was laughing to make it look like the smile was genuine. I slid the card back into my wallet and made a right down the hall. A guy and a girl walked right past me without even glancing in my direction.
I paused my music and took my earbuds out, letting them hang from the opening of my hoodie. I turned the door handle to my suite and shoved my weight against it to open it. I never really pushed it with my arm because I struggled with it since I rarely go to the gym anymore. Everyone's doors were shut, so I guess I was alone. I pulled on the lanyard that was hanging out of my pocket and unlocked my door with the key hanging from it. I made sure to turn the key counter-clockwise so that the door would stay locked after I opened it and quietly closed it behind me.
I tossed my bag onto my bed and the water bottle tucked into the side of it made a sloshing sound as it landed on the soft, grey and black comforter. I looked to the right side of the room, only to see a bare, navy blue mattress with a white trimming that was starting to fray and peel off. Across from it was a light brown, wooden desk with nothing on it but a thin layer of dust and an Apple sticker. Two matching side table drawers were stacked on top of each other next to the desk because I didn't know where else to put them. They were my roommate's before he decided to pack up all his things, and move out, stealing some of my belongings as well.
"Fuckin James," I muttered to myself. If I ever saw him again, I'd fucking punch him in the face without saying a word. ...no, I probably wouldn't. He was bigger and stronger than me and would probably outmuscle me. I looked back towards my bed, noticing that it was unmade and my bag was on top of it still. I picked it up and put it on the floor before hopping onto the bed. I let out another sigh and covered my face with my hands, dragging them harshly as I pulled them down past my chin. I cracked all of my fingers and let out another sigh. I had a strong urge to cry, but no matter how hard I tried, I was never able to shed so much as a single tear.
"I wish I could just be myself without having to hide behind a mask all the time," I thought to myself. "So what if I like things that most people don't. Why should I have to hide that? There has to be other people that go here who share the same interests."
I stared at my door, reflecting on these thoughts further. I took both of my hands, grabbed my ears tightly, took a deep breath, and tugged on them. It never failed to cause an immense amount of pain, but I did it anyway. I tore my face completely off, revealing the short fur underneath, on my actual face. I tossed the mask on the floor gently because I knew I would eventually cave in and put it back on soon anyway. I took off my clothes, layer by layer, until I stood completely naked. I unzipped the fake skin that enveloped my body and stepped out of it, kicking it across the floor. I extended my arm and turned it from side to side, admiring my black claws and pads on my hands. They were moist and wrinkled from being trapped inside my fake skin for so long and the room started to smell like sweat.
My entire body was covered with grey fur, but it was all matted down from sweating inside my false self. I probably looked terrible. I grabbed my phone again, typed in my pin number, and opened up the camera app. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and looked at it. I saw a serious face with glassy, brown eyes. These eyes were surrounded by a black fur pattern that looked like that of a raccoon's. I saw pointed ears that were drooping as if they were sad too. I wiggled them around to make sure they still worked. Below my eyes was a short, wide snout with a wet, black nose and long, crooked whiskers. I pulled my black lips back, revealing crooked, yellowed fangs and a pink tongue. I stared into this digital reproduction of my own eyes and saw a broken creature. His heart was hardened from betrayal, mockery, and fear. His eyes became glassier, but he did not cry. He closed his eyes tight, letting out a soft whimper, but still, the tears did not flow.
I locked my phone and tossed it onto my bed before lying down on my dirty, black rug. I didn't even care that it had dust and dirt on it; I just wanted to lie down. I took a deep breath and instead of sighing, I just exhaled normally. I was getting tired of sighing so much. I closed my eyes again, but did not fall asleep. I merely just continued to think about how much I hated having to cover myself up.
The suite door opened and slammed shut. I heard music blaring from what was probably my suitemate's headphones:
"Now she want a photo. You already know doe. You only live once, that's the motto nigga yolo"
Fuck. I knew my door was locked, but I got up off the floor and grabbed my fake skin. He probably wouldn't knock on my door, but his presence was enough to make me feel uncomfortable. I crawled back into my skin and pulled the face back over my own before sitting back on my bed.
"Yo Justin, you in there?" A voice called out. I rolled my eyes and opened the door, replying, "Nope."
"Yo, what's good, big man? How you doin? You go to the gym today?" He didn't even give me a chance to answer the first two questions. Like he cared anyway.
"Not yet; I'm gonna go later though. Back and biceps today," I lied.
"Good shit, man! Gotta look good for the bitches, you know." I gave him a thumbs up because I was afraid I'd sound insincere if I spoke. "Alright, I'm gonna go jerk off, good luck at the gym. Stay swole."
"Yeah, you too," I said as he closed his bedroom door. I followed suit and sat down at my desk. I opened up my laptop, opened the internet browser, and opened up a Tumblr tab. I had completely forgotten about my fake skin and now focused on whether or not this person was actually telling the truth about their mother deleting their internet explorer icon on their desktop, thinking that would prevent them from using the internet.