Fierce 6. In Pursuit of Life
Very intense episode this time... worth the extra time it took to write it
In Pursuit of Life
She walked up to my standing figure like she had done many times in the past few weeks, and my reaction to her was no different. My heart doubled its speed, I breathed much faster, and my mind raced. Luckily, I had been practicing my resolve recently around her, and I'm sure she would not mind if I had still been as shaky and nervous as when she first spoke to me. "Hey there!" I even sounded slightly friendly, rather than horrified. "Hi Markus! Have you been sick? You were absent for a few days, and I started to worry." She smiled, almost too subtlely for me to pick up. I kicked the dirt under my feet and smirked. "I tend to take a few days off when I feel like it." I aimed my face to the ground but concentrated my eyes on hers. "Ah. I guess you're one of those people who's too far ahead in class to even care!" She responded sarcastically. She knew that I lived on my own, so she didn't try to remind me by asking how I was allowed to do such a thing. "Pretty much. I could take the harder courses, but then why would I ask for more work?" I chuckled lightly. "That's true. But harder classes let you into a better college, and if you like the subject, then they present a welcome opportunity to plumb the depths!" I let my jaw slack open. "Wow. How long did it take for you to come up with that sentence?" She beamed and laughed a little. "Why don't you transfer into English Honors with me? It's a great resource for speaking and writing skills!" "And I'm the one confidently cutting class! What about you?" "Oh, my parents would disown me!" We laughed, hers with just a hint of insecurity. I too, recognized when to back off of a subject. "So how long have you-" I don't know why, but she anxiously cut me off. "I should go home, or I may get in trouble." She held a polite countenance and waited for my confirmation. "Wait, do you want to go to the park today and uh... hang out?" Uneasiness leaked through. "I might be allowed. I'll see you there in about two hours, okay?" "Okay! See you then." She walked briskly home, as I stood just watching her go for a few minutes. It was around this time that I no longer simply lusted for changing into a fox, but I had begun to itch for it. I didn't fit into my human skin, it was too restricting. I felt something inside me that was not possible to express in this form. I needed to be a fox to some degree to feel like myself. I needed to be myself to be confident. And yet, I had to be human to keep contact with the world. No, I certainly couldn't be either one, nor could I give up either one. I have to live both lives. I met Alice there two hours after school, and we talked for a very long time, even as the night began to fall from the sky. We were lying in a secluded knoll with thick, fresh forest on all sides of us. We were sitting against one another. I was unsure whether she saw it as a friendly position or otherwise. "You know," Alice said, "my parents are little tough on me, but I don't think they would absolutely murder me if I stayed for a little longer." She mentioned, nonchalantly. "I can stay out her just as long as you can." I patted her shoulder in a bit of an awkward way, but she did not react negatively to it. She simply smiled and allowed me to take my hand back. I did so. "I think the stars are starting to come out." Her voice lowered, indicating that she was relaxed and comfortable in this environment. I leaned backwards until I was on the ground, my head comforted by smooth blades of cool grass. Her head fell straight to my stomach. "Oof!" The sudden pressure was surprising but not painful. "Sorry!" she turned her head left to me. "No, it's totally fine." I leaned my head back down and gazed to the newly uncovered stars. She laid her head on my stomach and did the same. "It is a clear night, alright." "What?" Her voice was soft to me as well. "Here-" She adjusted herself and carefully laid her head on my chest instead. "What did you say?" I froze, this recent action of hers surprised me quite a bit. My eyebrows were raised as high as they would go, and my lips were open. "Markus?" Something started to feel a little different inside me. "Are you alright?" Her voice was further away to me. She sat up and drew her hand to my cheek. I directed my stare to her face. A pain shot through my whole body, near paralyzing me. God no. Not now. My hand screamed as it shifted bone structure. I tried to regulate my voice as much as possible through the intense pain. "You- need to go. Right now." "I'm not just leaving you like this! You're obviously in pain!" I gritted my teeth against the crunching bones. A pain similar to a knife wound surprised me in my lower back. "GO! RIGHT NOW!" I shoved her away, with a portion of the new strength that comes from a transformation. I heard a resonant thud in a tree several yards from me, and soon after her troubled cough. I writhed on the ground and turned over onto my hands and knees. The sound of distant leaves crunching, I felt no hand on my back. Only a few words passed my lips, barely reaching my own ears. "I'm... sorry." The last thing I can remember seeing before fainting was a couple of foxes, silently watching me. They turned around after I stared back at them and left.
When my eyes opened again, I noticed the moon had risen only a few degrees from the horizon. I must have only passed out for a few minutes. The cool air greeted me not with chills, but with a feeling of relaxation and reassurance. I checked my arm. Yup. Furry form. Why the fuck did I have to change then? I rose to my feet, with practically no effort. I was still centered in the grove Alice and I were together in, so I sat back down in the middle of it. I sighed, wrapped my arms around my knees and just thought for a few minutes. So we layed down, very friendly, and started talking. Then she moved up and rested her head on my chest- oh shit. I had remembered how excited I was when she so intimately lay on me. I guess that's one more trigger. That's really just perfect. Considering the circumstances, I think I reacted fairly calmly. "FUCK!" My fist flew threw a tree five times wider than I was, smashed into the ground. "I really need to clear my head." It was time to take out life's little frustrations on some people who actually deserved it.
With my heavy coat and regular shorts shielding the outside world from my "unusual" form, I was within the city in record time. Bright and copious city lights overwhelm the senses of any man, let alone one with such vastly improved senses. It was unusually quiet tonight, however. I did not think such a corrupt place could ever be so peaceful. I scurried up my usual building with only a few leaps, my hind paws pounded upon the concrete roof. I felt a little sorry for the owner of the apartments, whoever it was, for the value of the place must have fallen every time I left paw prints on it. My coat flapped in the high winds as I took a seat upon the ledge. Just high enough to be out of sight, but just low enough to see much of the city. No, the city did not appear to be in need of me tonight. I started to relax and let the wind blow through the fur on my face. All these weeks with this amazing gift, and I had never slowed down enough to really savor the experience. My fur was the sea on a brisk, windless day. It felt as though waveless water caressed human skin. I shut my eyes and leaned back on locked elbows. What the hell am I going to do about this "excitement" issue... I really could not believe something I had wanted so badly for so long would stand so defiantly in the way of much of my happiness. I certainly can't let myself turn into this when I'm together with her, and I can't be human when I am with her. I sighed and watched the steam from my lungs dissipate into the light-polluted sky. I know it's going to be hard, no matter what I do, but I'm sure some solution will- BLAM! A gunshot due east, maybe an eighth of a mile away... I leapt to my feet and looked in its direction. "Robbery." A convenience store with a wide radius of bystanders running away. I hopped rooftops for only a few seconds before I was adjacent to it. I stepped off the ledge and plummeted four stories. When I landed, my paws produced an extremely loud boom, and left huge cracks in the street. I drew my hood to conceal as much of my face as possible. A few of the thieves were staring at me. I started swaggering over to them. "The fuck?" He was wearing a ridiculous ski mask, but I could still see his very confused expression. Only five seconds passed before he made a seemingly arbitrary motion to someone outside. What was that? I moved my eyes but not my head to see who he was communicating to. No one's here... but I can't stop moving, they would see a weakness. I have to keep going... I crossed the median of the very wide city street. The crook returned his focus to the robbery. I was nearly there. Suddenly, headlights speeding to my feet. My right fist involuntarily smashed into the hood, forcing the metal to crumple into itself as the back end of the car rose several feet off the ground. I only directed my glare at the driver when his car met the ground again. Unconscious, mouth gaping open. I'm sure he was okay, his airbag did deploy in time. I readjusted my sleeves and opened the convenience store door. The little bell jingled to alert them to my entrance. "I think your ride is out." Damn, I still love that deep tone this form has. "Look asshole, I don't know who you think you are, but you don't want what I've got in this barrel." The clerk did not cease his intent stare on the wall he was facing. Unsurprisingly, the criminals were all bark and no bite. They were only tough with their words, behind a gun. It's too bad even that weapon can't help them. I continued walking slowly to them. He fired. My arm, again involuntarily, grabbed a thick metal pole from a shelf and drew it quicker than the eye can see in front of my face. An ear-piercing ding emanated from the pole. "Fuck me." He slowly lowered the gun, one of the other crooks dropped the duffel bag full of money. I threw the pole with an insignificant level of my potential strength at the gunman. His head dented by the flying piece of steel, he fell immediately to the floor, and his gun slid to my feet. I picked it up and gripped it in one paw, showing it to the rest of the conscious ones. I closed my hand, the metal oozing between my fingers like clay. One fainted. The last remaining one fell to his knees and tried his best to form words with his lips. I gently lifted the bag of cash and held it in front of the clerk. He hesitated, but grasped it with both hands. Not scared, but curious. He must not have been used to getting the money back. All's done here, just gotta go before- A different kind of siren became apparent to my ears. "Shit." Cops were lining up in front of the doors. The door flew open, almost cracking the glass. "ON THE FLOOR! RIGHT NOW!" Another gun pointed straight at my head. Great. I don't think I should hurt these guys... I slowly dropped to my knees, but kept my eyes on the cop. I knew he couldn't see my face, but I think my furry coat was apparent to him because my knees were exposed. Another one gasped. "Plan 48!" Two cops appeared from behind the crowd, rushed over to me. I did not move, assured that this situation would not be difficult to handle. They grabbed my wrists and pulled me to my feet. I felt the clutch of tight handcuffs. Several pairs. I let them close each one, and did not stop them from yanking my hood off. "Jesus..." "What the fuck, man?" I heard a few reactions to my form. One of them holding my arm behind my back whispered in my ear, "We got you now, you furry bastard." "You don't even know who I am." I said to all of them. They started pushing me out the door, I walked voluntarily with them with my head entirely exposed. We were behind an armored car, one was opening the door. I pretended to struggle. The policeman with the gun aimed at me shoved it between my shoulder blades. "Too close." No holds barred now. I ripped through every pair of handcuffs, creating an indescribably sound of crunching metal. My two arms forced outwards, and the two holding my arms back flew through the air. Before the trigger was pulled, I snapped my right hand behind me and closed my hand around the gun, unknowingly involving the cop's hand as well. "AUGGHHH!" He fell to his knees, clutching his mangled hand. The others were too slow to the draw. I drew all my energy to my legs to make the hugest jump I had ever made. I was touching the ground with one hand, clenching the other into a fist, and released the energy. I careened four stories straight up and onto the ledge. I landed softly over the ledge, as I had barely managed to reach such a height in the first place. I kept running and hopping rooftops until the blaring sirens could not be heard over the sound of my own heartbeat. THUMP THUMP. THUMP THUMP. Huh. I guess I can wear myself out in this form. Too bad. Breathing pretty hard, too. Yes, my breath was far quicker than normal. I took a seat on the edge of one of the buildings. "No thank you, just a dozen pairs of handcuffs. Beautiful." I relaxed for only a few seconds before- "AIIIEEEE!!!!!" There was no way I wouldn't hear that in even my human form. It was right at- Wabash and Kendall Alley. Huh. I guess that place really saw a lot of action. I feel weak, maybe I shouldn't do this. I reached the building parallel to the scene. Well, it's only one man with a knife. This will only take a minute. I yanked my hood back over my head, and stepped off the ledge landing directly behind the crook. He started turning his head. "I've been having a real bad day, fella. So why don't you just lie down against the wall for a minute while she gets the po-" He interrupted me. "NOW!!!" Before I could understand what he was talking about, he dropped down to the ground and a large white van screeched beside the alley. I could not believe my eyes when the side door fell off. A machine gun. Are they insane? I sprinted to the potential victim behind me and swiftly threw her to safety on a fire escape. Before I could even turn around, the earth-shattering bullets began to fly at me. One penetrated my left thigh. I fell instantly to the ground, kneeling in front of my fate. Another bullet passed through my right shoulder. I was forced against the brick wall behind me. I only now started to be aware of the impossible pain surging through my leg and shoulder. I opened my mouth to scream, but not before a third bullet pierced my chest. The firing stopped, luckily most of the bullets had missed me in the first place. It took all my might not to fall over, and I was too overwhelmed with the incredible pain and shock of gaping holes in my body. I was quaking uncontrollably, my eyes began to close. I fell onto my front with my head aimed to one side. I saw nothing more than blood quickly pooling on the cold ground, and heard only footsteps coming closer. God... Please... I knew this was it. I would not live past this alleyway. My eyes finally drew shut. "Is it dead?" "It's not going to be moving for a long time." "Come on, let's take it to him, he wanted it alive." Rough hands pulled me up by my arms, I felt my feet dragging across the pavement. I couldn't move at all. From then on, it was all a blur. I drifted off someplace more peaceful and warmer than here. I couldn't describe it if I tried.
"You're sure that's him?" "He's a big furry fox. What the fuck do you think?" Very gravelly low voice this guy had. "Sorry, sir." Sir? That can't be good. Nobody calls anyone sir in this city. I tried moving my arms- no good. Some kind of metal was holding them to the back of this chair. Suddenly, very loudly in front of my face- "Wake up in there, asshole!" A heavy blow to the side of my face accompanied with a loud metallic clang, and I couldn't help but open my eyes. "Ngggya..." The world rolled around in my head. I was dizzy even before the strike, and still only half-conscious. "Don't sound so fuckin' tough now, do ya?" A third, far more weasely voice. He's right, why is my voice so much higher? I looked at my legs, the fur was running thin. And one of them was almost entirely red. "We took a few samples, hope you don't mind." The one called "boss" started circling around me as he spoke. "Our boys at the lab can't place your DNA, so basically we have no idea why you can do this." He sat on his haunches and grabbed my face, staring straight at me. "So you would," he paused, sounding dangerously sincere, "Really, really help us out if you told us." His face was old, sagging in several places, mostly under his eyes. He had very bushy gray eyebrows, and almost no hair on his head. "I-" his face perched inches from mine. "I don't know." He slowly pushed his fist against my chest wound. "Bullshit." The pain was horrible, coupled with the terror of such helplessness. After a few more seconds of pressure, he relented and stood up. "We shot you to pieces. According to any sane doctor, you should have been dead from a lack of blood minutes after we shot you." He started pacing again, holding his hands behind his back. "It appears that your special ability comes with some rapid regenerative quality. Which is just fine for us, because it looks like you ran out of juice before it finished the job." I looked at my chest. God, that dent must have been an inch deep. It hurt just to look at it. "We would really like for you to tell us how you did all this so we wouldn't have to... undo all that hard work." I tried moving my legs... no, they were tied down hard at the ankles. "You-" It was difficult to form full sentences in this state. "Would never let me go- even if I told you." He started laughing, and turned around to face the rest of his bodyguards at the walls. "Looks like we got a smart som'bitch, guys!" He sauntered over to a table and picked up a sledgehammer. Walked slowly back over to me. I watched as he leaned it against the gouge in my chest. It hurt already. "Aaaaaaughhhhh...." I had so little energy left, I was surprised any sound came out at all. He added more pressure to it as he leaned in closely to my face. He whispered just loudly enough for me to hear, very, very slowly. "Let there be no misconception. You will die here. But if you're unwise, it will be much. More. Painful." He pushed hard on the hammer. I felt a rib give way very slightly. "NGGGYYAAAAAA!!!" Unbearable pain sprinted up and down my entire body. My eyes streamed tears, further obstructing my vision. "We don't understand everything about your... condition. But we understand that your body is tired. So, very, very tired. Whatever the fuck you're doing is worse than what I'm doing right now. So who's the real bad guy here?" He relented and stood in front of me. It didn't even stop hurting yet, and I was still shaking rapidly. "It looks like you're turning human again." He squinted and raised one eyebrow. "Clemens. I want ID on this guy right now." "Yes sir." One bodyguard took a picture of me and started typing frantically on a nearby keyboard. It took only a few seconds. God knows what kinds of files they have access to in this place. "Markus Swift, sir." The boss stopped pacing instantly. He quickly strode to the monitor for confirmation. "Make sure doesn't die yet. I'm not done." He pushed a set of doors open and started jogging somewhere else. I hadn't even noticed before, I was in some kind of medical establishment. Was this an operating room? It fit with the equipment. I looked at my thighs again to gauge how badly I was doing. Fuck... I'm entirely human. That's why it all hurts so much. I turned my head to one side- at least there were no other guards behind me, just these two. But there was no way I could take anyone on in the shape I was in. I can't die here. It's too early, I still have so much left to do with my life. There were no other visible options to me. I began to feel sorry for myself. It's all over. Nothing left to do but wait and hope for the mercy of unconsciousness. I dropped my head and allowed my breathing to slow down. Suddenly, the double doors burst open, with the boss striding through them. "Get out, both of you. Right now." They didn't ask questions, just left the room. He walked briskly up to me, and grabbed my face by the cheeks. "I know everything about you, Markus. So I've decided on a plan that will help both of us out. Do the names Irene, Herman, and Donald mean anything to you?" I tugged hard at the metal binding my arms. Nothing moved more than an inch. He laughed, unfazed by my futile attempts. "Bastard." I couldn't make more than a faint squeak out of my voice. "In 15 minutes, I can have my men surrounding all three of them. In 30, we can do it without a trace. By the time an hour has passed, we can bring you the remains so there is no confusion." He released my jaw. "But I'm going to be real nice to you today. You have one hour before I send the order. He simply turned around and left through the double doors. I was all alone. Jesus fucking Christ. "HHNGGGGGGYYYYYAA!!!" I used every ounce of my strength at the metal restraints, but to no avail. Not a budge. That's it. I'm dead. My friends are dead, all because of this stupid FUCKING transformation. I didn't even have enough energy to scream again. I just let my head fall, and eventually, fell to sleep.
"Wake up!" Whispers from someone right in front of me. It couldn't have been the boss though, his voice was far too menacing. "You have to wake up! Now or never, Markus!" Their hand grabbed my hair and pulled my head up to face theirs. I opened my eyes. A guard? "You can move your arms and legs, there's an open window just behind you. Leave now!" He was wearing a mask. I guess all the guards were? I hadn't noticed. I opened my mouth to speak, but he quickly covered it with his hand, pointing at the door with the other one. I pulled one arm in front of me, the other one too injured by a bullet wound to move. He yanked me up to my feet, and put my arm around his shoulder. I had to put all of my weight on him. I gave him a look that said, "I can't move on my own." He knew what it meant. "You either escape right now, or you are dead. Period." He removed my arm from his shoulders and sprinted back out the doors. I used my good arm and my good leg to balance by leaning on the chair. God, there was blood all over it. I put one leg in front of the other, and tried putting weight on it. The gouge in my thigh reminded me of its presence. I tried screaming in pain, but my voice was again too taxing for my body at this point. No choice but to keep going. I gritted my teeth through the pain and continued walking. I heard very distant voices. Shit! It was a little easier now, I was hobbling more quickly to the window. Only a few more feet to go. The voices grew louder. Footsteps could be heard now. I limped more quickly now, leaving bloody footprints and dragging everything else with each extra foot. Almost there... Yes! My body collapsed onto the window frame, on my belly. I could not possibly bring my legs over it, as it was a small hole so I had to keep going headfirst. My upper body was now hanging out of the window, and I could finally breathe fresh air. I was going to make it. "No, sir. We don't have any files on..." I could understand their words. They were getting too close. Shit, that's a long way down. I was greeted with a forest as far as the eye could see, all 30 feet below me. My legs were no good, so I pulled at the ridges in the building with all my strength. I felt my weight shift. A little more now... Now only my upper thighs were hanging on. I moaned passively at the pain my weight wrought upon my horrid wound. My weight shifted again. I made one more large yank- success! I tumbled endlessly through the sky for what felt like hours... I was not even scared at the concept of pain when I reached the ground, for I knew that I had a chance at survival now. I opened up my arms and legs to embrace the quickly oncoming trees in hope of a merciful landing. My eyes opened when I knew I was facing down. Oh fuck. I would not be so lucky. The ground careened towards me at an alarming rate, I would become good friends with it. I closed my eyes again. The sound was unimaginable- from both sides of my ears I heard a disturbing explosion of undecipherable noise, coupled with a numbness in every crevice of my body except for the three wounds I gained earlier that scared what was left of my common sense. My inner ear I think was still functioning, that's why it felt like I had bounced back up before lying on the ground completely motionless. I could feel each heartbeat, each one seeming more expensive and significant. THUMP. THUMP. "Markus." The mindless buzzing in my head started to fade away. THUMP. THUMP. "There's no need for you to hurt yourself any more." I quieted my mind as much as I could to hear the voice better. It was crystal clear now. "This dirt is very comfortable, you know. I think both of us could enjoy sleeping here for a while." THUMP. I called out to it. "Fox?" My voice as well as my body were weightless. "The one and only, baby." A red fox constituted in front of my eyes. It was unsettlingly pure and unblemished. "I thought you'd abandoned me." My wounds were all gone. I watched myself stand up. He just laughed like there wasn't anything to be afraid of. I refused to believe he was so brave or even reckless. "Don't you have someplace to be?" Dread filled me. "Yes, but I can't remember where." "No you don't. You have something other than yourself to be worried about." I felt as though Fox had direct access to my every emotion. But I just had to keep talking to him. He had something I wanted. "Why don't you tell me what that is?" "You really don't get it yet, do you?" My stomach churned violently. I could tell already that I really didn't want to hear what he was going to say. "Get what?" And yet, my voice came out clear and seemingly confidently. Although not to me. "I'm very disappointed." It felt like he sat up taller. My upper body halted. "I am you. Your subconscious created me as a place to dump all of its unused and locked potential that you were uncomfortable using." I re-experienced the pain in my chest. "You have no second identity, no 'furry' persona, no alternate consciousness inside you. You only have what you brought with you, and I'm what you can't accept the responsibility for." I could feel his voice deepen and become more menacing. I opened my mouth to push words out, but none came to mind or to existence. "It's time to wake up. Do the right thing. Take responsibility." THUMP "HYUUUUUUUNGHHH-" My lungs stung horribly from inhaling so much dust. I pulled my eyes open, to see the forest floor. I sat up with no small amount of effort, and looked around. Shit. I'm still here. Wherever here was. A dark, gothic tower loomed behind me, with one window ledge staring me down. Surely, soon there would be people looking for me there. "The right thing... I have to get out of here." I moved my right leg underneath me somewhat easily, but could not budge the other one. My bullet wound still horribly disfigured my thigh. I didn't care. "Right now, or I never get to feel anything ever again." I grabbed my left thigh with both hands and jerked upwards. At least both of my legs were underneath me now. I pushed with my right leg, then through the searing pain, my left. Standing now, I leaned mostly on my right side. One step at a time. I gripped my thigh with both hands and pulled forward, then put weight on it. I limped momentarily and instantly caught myself on my right leg. I limped again on my bad leg, a little quicker. I was hobbling at a walking pace. That's not fast enough yet. I turned to look behind me as I pushed forward. Still no one in the window. I hobbled faster. Surely soon, they would begin to look for me here. The wound in my chest began to wield a new kind of pain. I ignored it for as long as I could, but it was simply too intense. Every neuron in my brain, every muscle in my body pushed against gravity to move me. I feel as though my conscious mind disappeared from the rest of my brain as I simply did not tell myself to stop.
I can't remember for the life of me how I got back, or even how long it had taken. The first thing I can remember is the view of thousands of leaves a little ways above my head. For all I know, I had walked around the earth and back, and by the way my body felt, and what I remember of the place I last remembered being, I could easily believe it. Absolutely unable to move any of my limbs, I rolled my head around to get a better view. This is the park... I was in a safe place. I could start healing. I just need to turn back into a fox. I know I can heal then. I lay in the cool grass and concentrated as hard as I could on it while the indescribable pains of changing and an injured heart consumed me.
It was nearly a week sedentarily lying on the grass bed until I was strong enough to go back to school and continue a semi-normal life. I didn't need the education or the normalcy even, but I really needed the atmosphere and the friends. Just so I could feel like part of me was still human. Only looking back do I realize how oddly delirious I was from a lack of nourishment and so many changes back and forth. It was a relaxing, yet unsettling feeling. Leaving the forest for the first time in a week, I headed for my school in some clothes I grabbed off a clothesline. I don't really need my backpack... I rarely actually use anything in it anyway. The campus peeked over the near horizon, with people watching their feet reluctantly carry them to the place where they'd be bored out of their skulls for the next half of the day. I smiled out of nostalgia. I joined the group of bus passengers. Funny, I couldn't hear the bus driver screaming profanities. I chuckled anyway at the thought of it. A few of the students looked over at me, smiled, and looked back at the ground. That was weird. I looked behind me too- more awkward smiles. What the hell? Maybe today would not be so normal. Maybe Irene or Herman know what this is all about. I walked past the doors of the school. I noticed Wally walking across from me making deliberate eye-contact far too late for me to be comfortable with. He swerved into my path and grabbed my shoulders. "Markus, if you need anything, I'm right here for you, buddy." I tried to clear my head by massaging my temples, but to no avail. "What? Why are you being nice to me?" He let go of my shoulders. "Are you okay? The principal just said it a second ago on the PA." He was visibly concerned. "What the hell are you talking about? Tell me!" "I- Your friends- I'm sorry, I thought you knew." He walked away. "Wait!" I half turned around to call to him. He held his arms close to him and walked briskly away. I had no choice but to keep walking. More smiles complements and apologies bombarded me until I reached the principal's office. I didn't mind much for preserving the door, so I just ripped it open. "What the hell is going on?" The principal rose politely from his large desk and raised his eyebrows at me. "You don't know about your friends?" "No! What about my friends?" "Markus, please take a seat." I grabbed a chair hurriedly and slumped into it. "About five days ago, your friends were-" He paused and bit his fist. He was already tearing up, at the thought of whatever the hell it was. "Five days ago, Herman, Irene, and Donald were found dead. They were all thought to be the victims of a hate crime, since all three were open... uh-" "Furries." My voice squeaked the word out. "In fact, the police have been looking for you for a while, trying to protect you from whoever did this. You may not be safe out in the open." The world stopped turning at that moment. I stared at a spot on the ceiling, as good as any. My stomach fell through the floor, in a feeling I can hardly even call guilt. I walked out of the office. "Markus, wait!" I didn't listen. My walk sped up through the halls of smiling faces. Another former bully tried to console me. "Hey, I'm really sorry about your friends-" "STOP! I don't need fake help from fake people!" I kept striding. No one else got in my path this time. I stumbled from side to side, I guess everyone was too intimidated to help me walk either. I burst through the doors and almost lost my balance. My stomach reached the tipping point. Something had to come out now. I gagged violently in the grass, but nothing came out. I hadn't eaten in too long. I was on my knees in front of the school now, clutching my head between my hands. Tears flowed copiously from my eyes as everyone else remained at a safe distance, unsure how dangerous I was to them. Good, I don't deserve to be comforted. I sobbed loudly for several minutes before I felt someone rest their arms delicately on my back. "Markus?" It was Alice. Of course. "Get away from me." I brushed my hand at her arm, but she put it right back on. "No. You need help right now, and I don't think anyone else understands you enough to give it to you." "You barely even know me!" I looked at her feet to talk to her. "You know that isn't true, Markus. I care about you a lot, and I'm only here to help. "You're all smiles and nice words like everyone else. You're only here to make yourself feel better. You don't give a fuck about me! LEAVE!" It must have been true. I believed it so wholeheartedly. I heard her begin to cry. She ran off. "This was no fucking hate crime..."
I now understand fox's words. I was just too fucking stupid to do the right thing. Fuck this godforsaken curse wrought upon me. I never even wanted it in the first place. Why did it have to happen to me? Why me! I can't believe any of this. Donald, he was a good man. He didn't appear to be doing anything with his life, but who knows what he could have accomplished after he realized his potential? He didn't deserve this. And Herman, he was so thrilled with life all the time. He was so loyal and kind to even those who called him names. He didn't deserve a slap on the wrist, let alone anything worse for whatever he did wrong in his life. I loved that man. And Irene. She had a good heart, but it won't beat like it used to. She was friends with us, so she became a furry just so she didn't have to abandon us. She made the sacrifice of severing her other friendships for her best. It's not often that anyone has the privilege of meeting someone with their priorities set so straight, morals so righteous. Any one of them deserved to survive more than I did. God, why me? Why in all hell did this happen to me? I know I wasn't the one behind the gun, but I pulled the trigger anyway. Obviously I do not deserve the ultimate gift from whoever's in charge up there. I now know what has to happen to me. But not before I dismantle the gun.
END OF CHAPTER 6