Expectations
Soren
hopped down from the tree, three of the five kite strings in his
hands. Eli was right behind him. The five kids crowded around them,
eager to resume playing now that the park's trees were done tangling
their toys. The
pair turned and left, smiling as they heard the shouts and laughs of
the children behind them. They returned to their favorite bench, back
to the shade of cherry blossoms that ringed the entrance to the
Japanese tea garden. Soren laughed as he sat down, holding Eli's
hand. "Don't make me do that again." "I'm
sorry," said Eli, resting his head on Soren's shoulder. "I know
you don't like high places,but I did need your help. I just couldn't
get the highest ones. Thanks for being such a good sport." "I
knew you wouldn't be able to stand the guilt," teased Soren. "I'd
hate to see you crushed by the disappointed pouts of five kids we met
ten minutes ago."Eli
smiled. There was a little pause, and Eli straightened his head and
looked Soren straight in the eye. "Would you ever
want kids, Soren?" Soren
closed his eyes and sighed. He waited for a minute or two, holding
Eli's left hand, rubbing his silver thumb across the two rings: the
white gold band with the iridescent, uncut fire opal and the sterling
silver folded over two tiny, brilliant sapphires. Soren took a deep,
slow breath, and looked into Eli's emerald eyes. "I knew you'd ask
me that soon. I have an answer for you, but I'm afraid I'm going to
disappoint you." "What's
up, dear," asked Eli, concern in his voice. "This isn't about
meeting expectations, sweetie. What's on your mind? Just tell me.""I
don't feel ready, Eli," said Soren, placing his other hand on Eli's
shoulder. "I... I don't get kids like you do. It's like they're a
completely different species, like aliens or something. But you...
you can just sort of get on their wavelength. You understand them so
much better... I always feel so clueless around little kids. You'd
make a great dad. But not me." Eli
smiled and kissed Soren on his cheek. "Sweetheart, your scientist
is showing. You can't raise kids with a textbook. It's a feeling
thing." Soren
smiled back, but with sadness in his eyes
. "But that's what I'm bad at. The feeling things. Stuff like that
is so hard for me." Eli
held his left hand up in front of Soren's face. "You can't be that
bad at it. You married me, didn't you?" "I
know," said Soren, lightly brushing his lips against Eli's hand.
"The best part of my morning is waking up next with you." Soren
paused briefly as he wrapped his arms around Eli. "The best part of
my day is to see the rings on our hands. The best part of my night is
to lay down next to my husband
and tell him I love him." Eli
sighed as Soren held him."But what's holding you up, sweetie?""Eli...
I love you, and being married to you has made me so happy, but...
getting there. It was so hard for me. I was so afraid I'd hurt you,
that I'd screw up. And I came so close to screwing things up. And-"
Eli
put a hand on Soren's muzzle. Cupping Soren's face in his hands, he
sighed. "No. Stop it now. Stop acting like you need to be perfect.
Couples argue. We argue some days. It's not wrong that we had a fight
or two. We got over them. We talked it out. At the end of the day, we
still love each other. That's not screwing things up, that's called
being normal.""You're
too nice to me, Eli," whispered Soren, stroking Eli's hair."No,"
said Eli, quietly, but firmness in his voice. "You're too hard on
yourself. But there's more on your mind than this." Soren
paused. "I... I'm so... afraid." "Of
what, Soren?" Eli gripped one of Soren's hands. Soren
took a minute to compose himself. "What if... I become my parents?
What if I make the same mistakes as my parents did?" The
look of desperate concern on Soren's face was the only thing that
stopped Eli from laughing. "Soren, darling, why would you ever be
like them? What makes you think you, of all people, would treat
someone badly for being gay?" "It's
not about homophobia, Eli," said Soren, his voice barely audible.
"It's about being stubborn. Would I follow my parents' path if a
child of ours chose to be a... oh I don't know... a Scientologist?
Would I be able to support my own kid's decision without letting my
own biases getting in the way?" "You
wouldn't be alone, sweetie," said Eli, holding Soren. "I'd be
with you every step of the way. There's give and take, and we'd be
there to check and balance each other. " Soren
sighed, growling a bit as he felt Eli's arms snake around his back.
Pressing Eli into his chest, Soren continued, "I know that, dear.
But you'd be doing everything. You just get kids.
You're so in tune with whether they need help or want something. I
just don't understand them like you do. I'd just get in the way.""Parenting
is more than providing needs. Think of all the things you're good at,
sweetheart." Soren made a half-cough of dissent, but Eli raised his
voice. "Oh, stop it. What if our son needed help with his math
homework? What if our daughter wanted to know more about chemistry?
What if our kids wanted to learn a new game? I couldn't help them
with that nearly as well as you could. You could foster a lifelong
love of music or food or games or science. Hell, we would be eating
frozen food every day without your cooking prowess. Think of all the
things you could teach any kids we'd raise together." Soren
sighed again. "You're so sweet, Eli. I... you're right. You're
always are. But... I... not right now, ok? I don't feel ready right
now. I know you'd make
a great dad. I'm just not so sure about me. I'm sorry, sweetie." Eli
kissed Soren. He didn't break away for a long time. "You don't need
to be sorry, sweetheart. It's such a big decision. I'd never coerce
you into it. I promise you we will never do anything before we both
know we are ready. But I think you would would make a better daddy
than me." "You
really think so," asked Soren. "You think I'd be
a better dad than you?" Eli
tousled Soren's meticulously cropped blue hair. "You're such a
wonderful teacher. I think the world is missing out on a world class
professor, but I know how much you love your lab job. And I know you
make a difference working there. But have you ever thought of what
kids could learn from you? And you're so nice and sweet and caring
and selfless and loving." Eli kissed Soren, smiling widely. "I
feel so selfish, hogging all the love you give to me every day. Any
kid would be lucky to have you as a dad." "Do
you really mean that," asked Soren, visibly overwhelmed. "Every
word, sweetie," said Eli. "You'd be the world's best dad. But
only when you're ready."Soren
buried his face in Eli's soft shoulders. "And only if you were with
me every step of the way. I love you so much, sweetheart." Eli
kissed Soren's neck as he held his husband. "I love you too. Are
you getting hungry? You wanna grab something tasty at the garden?" Soren
unwrapped himself from Eli but still kept hold of his slender hand,
still running his thumb over the smooth, warm fire opal ring. "I
wanted to stop at the farmer's market. See if I can find some
ingredients that will inspire me." "Let's
go then," said Eli, hopping off their bench. "There's not much
time before they start packing up.' The two foxes hustled out of the
park, anticipating whatever culinary creation Soren was planning in
his head.