Snake Charmer
#13 of The Otterly Sinful Stories
Another one off the top of my head. I think my brain needs steam cleaned. Sorry for any editing errors. I didn't edit.
To many
folks, being good was a goal to be aspired to. On Mudge's world, this was
looked on as stupid and weak. He lived his life by a lot of rules, not the
least being "do unto others before the do you." It should come as no surprise
that this philosophy led him into many strange adventures, a few of which we
have already covered. It's hard to pick which one might top the others. This
one might come close to his crowning glory. It definitely trumped his fellows.
The
Thieves' Guild was in rare form this night. Booze was flowing freely, as were
egos, tongues and blood. One thing led to another, and the talk turned to
females. It soon became a contest to see who had screwed the strangest member
of the other sex.
Grinna
the raccoon shouted out. "I once laid a wayward weasel from Bortweadil!"
The
others shouted him down. "There ain;t nothing special bout no weasel!"
"Well,
she were tied to a tree at the time!"
Lokkem
the puma guffawed. "Most of me gals is usually tied to something. That don't
make the women special."
"Fine,
what's your best story?"
The
puma sat and thought. "If it's got a hole, I'll nail it. Can't say that I can
think of anything weird. Then again, come to think of it there was Peerly."
"Peerly?"
"Aye,
Peerly. She were a manatee. Got herself caught up in some stray rope down at
the harbor in Genwallen. I waded in and she was all thankful like. Funny for
her I was only interested because she
was already trussed up. Dragged her to
shore and looped them ropes around a tree. Had me way with her for a good two
hours."
The
raccoon seemed appalled. "You left her there?"
"I
ain't no killer, you stinking little fluff tail. I rounded up me buds and I
told the last ones to be done with her to throw her back. That's the way I
roll!"
The
raccoon made a face but said nothing more.
Another
voice kicked up. "I once raped me a virgin rat!"
That
brought down loads of derision. "Afhor, you know there ain't no such thing as a
virgin rat. There own papa's take care of that the day they're born!" This
elicited a room full of laughs. Rats were considered worthless creatures and so
they could be made fun of (or worse) without fear of retribution.
"I once
bedded a skunk with mange!" This was Horniak, the wolf.
The
room went silent. Everyone looked at him. He was an old wolf, with patches of fur
missing, and one eye socket empty. Another of the guild spoke up. "I would have
needed both me eyes missing, and me nose chopped off to do that. What fun were
there in screwing a furless stinker?"
"Oh,
don't go knocking it until you've tried it mates. She was hot, and something
special!"
"Oi!
Like fucking a steaming pile of shit!" That insult broke out into a fight.
When it
settled down, another voice; a very drunk sounding voice, piped up. "L-Borean!"
Everyone
looked to the source. It was a very inebriated otter. Afhor called him out.
"What's
so special about fucking some broad from L'Borea? That's like saying you
screwed some pretty from the Bellwoods, or some cunt from Colivera, or a mare
from Naderall. The location don't make her weird."
The
otter was playing with his sword. He made a few cuts in the air, right under
his digresser's nose. "Look 'ere mate, I didn't say she was from L'Borea. I
said L'Borean."
That
brought forth mumbling. Folks from one region were often just like any other.
There was almost always a mix of species. So what was the otter going on about?"
The
otter soon lost patience with his compatriots. "Listen you thick headed idiots.
A L'Borean riding snake!"
One
thief choked on his beer, while another spit out his food. There was silence
for just around thirty seconds before all hell broke loose. Yells of "liar" and
"freak" filled the air. The otter tolerated it for just a short while before
whipping out his sword again.
"Quiet!"
The
room fell to silence again.
"The
question was, what was the weirdest female that any of us had ever laid. Mine
was a L'Borean snake."
"But
Mudge, it ain't possible!"
"And
why not?"
"Them
snakes is big, huge even. Ain't no one who has one gonna let you go sticking
you cock anywhere near it. Even if you did, that thing would turn around and
have you for a snack."
The
otter smiled. "Aye, they would. And a big one's privies would be so big as to
use me whole body for it's jollies. But not all L'boreans are tame, and not all
L'boreans are adults, if you get's me meaning"
The
others were just beginning to be aware that the otter was telling the truth.
Some of them crossed their fingers to ward off the evil eye. Others simply
gaped at him. There were few things on this world than many of them wouldn't
bed, but have sex with a thing like a L'borean was out of the question. For one
thing, it was snake! No one could have sex with a snake. Sure, there were a few
intelligent reptiles and amphibians around, but they were rare. And at least
they were intelligent. Those snakes were pretty stupid, and when untrained,
dangerous as hell.
"Alright
otter, give it up!"
He sat
down and took off his cap. "This 'ere ain't me original cap you know. Each time
it's been a heart ache to lose. Losing it to a stupid snake were the last straw
for me that day."
"I was
running through woods..."
"For
your health, I presume?" interrupted one of the men.
"You
might say that, for if I was caught, I was as good as dead. I got meself deeper
and deeper into the forest until I was good and lost I was. I found meself in
sections that no one had crossed in decades. Even my pursuers gave up. I wish I
would have known then what I know now; might have changed me mind about 'eading
in."
"I keep
moving for another hour. I ain't lived this long from not being cautious. When
I stopped, I scouted out an area and made meself a little camp. I figured I'd
get some sleep and in the morning, figure me way out of this mess. Night fell
quickly in that dark wood, and though I felt it was safe to have a fire, I kept
it small. By morning it was down to embers."
"I was
just stretching, working the kinks out of my muscles when I saw it. It's head
was hidden in the underbrush, but those big beady eyes were reflecting the rays
of morning sunlight. At first I thought I had been followed. That wouldn't have
been so bad. But when that head came out, followed by the sinuously long body,
I figured me heart would stop."
One of
the thieves gulped. "Whatcha do Mudge?"
"I did
the only sensible thing I could. I grabbed me hat and sword and ran for it. Damn
if that thing wasn't faster than a 'orse with diarrhea. I figured I might have
a shot up in the tress, but damn if that thing didn't keep on coming. At some
point me hat got knocked off, and I watched in horror as the filthy beast
swallowed it up. I guess he was getting a taste of his main course."
"Now me
skin is one thing, but me hat is another. I went from scared to pissed. That
great scaly tube worm had taken me most prized possession!"
"I
scouted around quickly, looking for a method of escape. Then it dawned on me;
what was special about these damn things?"
It was
an open ended question, but no one seemed to have an answer.
"You
see, their heads are big, like this," he made a gesture with his paws, "and
then their neck is smaller like this before their body widens out again. That gave me an idea. I ran until I found a
tree shaped just the right way. It had two trunks, and they ran up together for
a few feet before dividing wider. I jumped up and climbed about ten feet up.
When the bastard followed me, I kicked it hard in the head, stunning it. The
joker dropped like a stone right in between those two trunks. By the time I was
on the ground, it were slithering and twisting to get loose."
"I
thought about killing the thing in retribution for eating me hat. But the neck
was now wedged, and the skull was too thick for me sword to poke through. I
went around the tree and was nearly knocked off me feet from its thrashing
about. I went around the front again and in a fit of anger, slammed a half
rotten log over its head. Wood fragments flew everywhere. But it did the trick.
The beast went into nap land."
I
returned to the back and examined the belly. I figured my hat might be
recoverable. But the scales on those things are tough. I worked my way down to
the tail, looking for a soft spot. Funny thing was I found it."
Ole
Burthy the gibbon blurted out, "I take it ye used the wrong sword on it?"
Mudge
spit at him. "Oh, I could have used me sword. But I figured the thing had a
touch of brain inside that skull, otherwise why had I been able to knock it
senseless? No, I had another idea. There were a lot of saplings growing, and I
worked and wove them together until the thing was trussed up like a fish on a
spit."
The
crowd had gathered closer.
"I
then, and only then, dropped me drawers and pried open that there snake's hidey
hole. First time in me life I ever knew the difference between a boy snake and
a girl snake. Let's just say it were a young one and it were still big enough
to accommodate someone better equipped than ole Mudge. You all know how big
L'Borean eggs are? So you can guess how big the hole that lays them is. This
here snake wasn't going to be comin to no harm from the likes of me, even if it
was a pint size."
"Now
don't go thinking that just because I say that the thing were sloppy. No, once
I was inside, it closed right up around me. About this time it work from its
forced nap and were trying to wiggle free. That made it all the more fun. I just
kept telling it that this 'ere was for eating me 'at! I know it couldn't understand
me, but I felt it deserved to know the reason an otter were porking it's
slither hole."
"I was
glad I thought to tie it down. As it was, the damn thing was twitching like a
willow in a wind storm. Funny thing was, when I started out it was to punish
the brute. But the more I did it, the more fun it got to be. I was getting back
at the beast and getting me nuts off at the same time. Now I ain't one for
raping nobody, but this dumb shit didn't count."
"You'd
be surprised how much fun one of them there snakes can be. After a while she
settled right down. Don't know if it were the concussion to her head, or the
fact the ole Mudge is good with his works. I ain't never seen how a snake makes
love, but ole Mudge figured that it were pretty much alike where ever you
went."
"Well,
I porked that scaled cylinder for hours. The longer I did it, the less she
moved. At one point I thought maybe I 'ad 'it 'er 'ead too 'ard, and went to investigate.
That got 'er going again so I stayed put. Ole Mudge was pretty much exhausted
by the time he was done. It 'adn't gotten me me cap and feather back, but I 'ad taken out the cost of a new
one out on this here reptilian piece of
ass."
He told
the story so matter of factly that no one doubted him. "Did you kill it when
you were done?"
" 'ell
no! I figured it were just being what it was meant to be, just like I was. I
think I might 'ave felt better had my punishment been more successful. Turns
out the trick was on me!"
"Why?"
"Well,
you sees, I decided it would die if I left 'er there, stuck as she were. I cut
the saplings and walked around front. "er eyes were on me the moment I stepped
into view. She weren't so dumb as to not know who had been porking 'er pink
slit. I smelled like snake. Funny thing was, she didn't move. "
I was
looking up and down those two trunks, trying to find a way to set her
free. It were risky, but I climbed up
one and them, and after reaching my former perch, yelled at 'er. She lifted 'er
head and was soon on her own."
"But
Mudge, weren't you afraid of her chasing you down and eating you?"
"Oh, I
was ready. She dropped to the ground and watched me where I sat. I figured what
the 'ell and climbed down. She was still just watching me. After a while I grew
bored with our little staring contest and walked away."
"Did
she eat you?" This fellow was particularly drunk.
"Oi!
Right! Which is why I'm 'ere telling this story! No, that damn thing just
followed me around. I made it out of the
woods and back to the Lorense River with her still on me tail."
"What
did you do with her?"
"The
only thing I knew how. I looked up a rich fellow who also 'appened to raise
L'Boreans. I assured him that mine was tame and a good breeder. She got one
look at the big males and forgot about me right away. So you see boys, not only
did I get laid, I got paid. You can't
beat that. And on top of it all, I've got the best story you blokes will ever 'ear."