Loneliness
I'm sitting here, eating lunch and I just... I had to write. So I wrote down everything straight from the emotions I was feeling. Be warned, this isn't the yiffy stuff I usually write and is very much a depressing story.
I sit, in my room, staring at the computer screen in front of me. My tail is very still as I read over various sites. Twitter and Muzzlebook are the two catching my attention right now. They're troubling me, reaching something deep inside that I can't quite put my finger on, something that, I'm not sure why but It makes me want to ball, then curl up and die.
What could do that you may ask, and the answer is a weird one. To better explain I'll start out with this, growing up I didn't have friends, my next door neighbor was the same age as me but she would rather torment me and hit me and verbally abuse me, than be my friend. We were frienemies if you will. Heck our parents said we acted like brother and sister. It was only in middle and high school that she stopped trying to harm me and we actually became friends.
Sure I went to school and knew people there but... friends weren't something I had the luxury of having. It was only high school and college where I even got the ability to have friends. Before that all my friends were online, people I'd chat with everyday in chat rooms an in MMO's.
Why mention all that, well because I feel like it's the root of what has become my problem. See I have friends now, people I trust more than anything, heck some of them I've trusted so much I put my life in their hands, both literally and figuratively. Especially when you consider I tend to prefer my sex bareback.
But that's all beside the point. It's as I stare at Twitter that I realize even though I have all these friends, all these people I care about and think about a lot... they've all got lives. They've all moved on or are too busy for me now. Maybe it's my fault for my isolation, a feeling of alone. I mean I am at home, staring at Twitter and Muzzlebook. But still... I wish those who I had befriended tried to get me to go out more, tempted me to have fun more. Back when I worked for this Mouse I would take my friends out all the time, they were getting tired of never being home we went out so much and now that I'm no longer working they've all quietly and conveniently seemed to forget about me.
Maybe this is how this wolf's life is supposed to go, constantly alone. Every relationship I've had fails, even friendships and any time I've fallen for someone it turns out that they don't return the feels or have someone else or some reason. I was once questioned why I don't go out and be more adventurous and it's simply the pain kills me inside. The rejection after rejection, the judging and the relationships that never last as long as I wish.
I write journals on sites, I write posts on Twitter but I never feel heard, I feel like I'm talking to empty rooms. I always feel like I'm alone. Writing is my escape, reading and video games give me what I can't seem to have.
Sniffing I glance away from the computer. Maybe it's best I leave now, just go out, maybe go to the store or something, just to get my eyes away from all these posts about my friends tweeting and retweeting each other.
The fabric of my chair is slowly digging into my fur as I keep staring at the point in the wall where I now look. Sighing I stand up and put some shoes on my paws. I quickly exit with my keys in hand. It's time to distract myself from my loneliness, it's time to pretend my life means more than the nothing it always seems to represent. For a pebble in the ocean of life is just a small tiny insignificant piece, it could go missing and you'd never notice it.
As I pull my tail around my waist in my car I glance back at my apartment briefly. Buffy might have lived and fought demons face to face but daily I seem to be fighting demons here in my own house hold without even lifting a stake.