Sunshine Days - Chapter 15
Jonathan kept his head down for the rest of the day and tried to act as inconspicuous as he possibly could. It was a vain attempt which, of course, Jonathan knew already. He knew his own self well enough to know that his guilt made him act very self aware and therefore made it almost impossible to hide. He would become hyper sensitive to his own body movements, knowing that any subtle move that he made could expose that he's hiding something. His eyes dart nervously and his hands have difficulty finding something to occupy their time. He feels like a clumsy puppeteer trying to control his body marionette from the inside instead of pulling the strings. Despite knowing that his conscious body and his subconscious mind where in correlation with each other in exposing his shame, he put on his best act. The show must go on, as they say.
He knew that his safest course of action at that point was to avoid making eye contact with Joey again, which he was able to do for the most part. It didn't stop the creeping feeling of paranoia or the fur prickling disquietingly on the back of his neck as he felt himself being watched. A couple of times he accidently glanced in Joey's direction and would snatch his eyes away like fingers from a hot oven. Though he didn't see Joey looking right at him he felt certain that he was.
Over a dinner of dry meatloaf and somehow drier instant mashed potatoes, Jonathan had time to mull over the events of the day and assess them logically in his head. Being seated facing away from Joey at a different cafeteria table made it a little easier for him to focus on his thoughts though it didn't stop the sensation of 'being watched' at all.
He quickly glossed over the events occurring between early morning and afternoon while simultaneously trying not to get aroused over them. More or less, he tried to remember the details outside of the main events that he might have overlooked. He looked through the gaps and holes in his memory for any minute fragments that might have stood out if he had been slightly more vigilant. What he was searching for was any opportunity Joey or someone else might have been able to catch them doing something they shouldn't. Of course, there were plenty of instances where his guard had been down to a point where he wondered if he had ever had it up at all. He was almost embarrassed by his own lack of diligence and awareness. The cabin windows, though grimy and greasy, were not opaque enough that someone might not be able to look in and see what they were doing. Their little morning pee-session couldn't have been observed from the boys' A cabin since they were far enough behind their own cabin, though anyone could have seen them walking around the building....why, oh why, did David have to walk around in his underwear all the time? He hadn't heard anyone come in to the showers or the bathroom while they were getting cleaned up but it didn't eliminate the possibility that someone might have stealthily slipped in and heard them douching themselves. His ears burned at the horror of someone overhearing the obscene noises or heard the pup explaining what they were doing.
While he was stressing over the gaps in his memory, he was also trying to find ways to rationalize what he remembered as he so often did. It was early morning; he doubted anyone would have been up at that time to see them going behind the cabin...except maybe the cook or a leader or- No, stop it! Either way, Joey probably would have been fast asleep at that time.
The acoustics in the bathroom would have made it practically impossible for even the lightest feet to drift in unheard. Though maybe someone might have been outside the bathrooms, listening in from the ventilation ducts or... No, no.
Though he was still unnerved by all the little things he might have missed, as well as David's obliviousness to his surroundings and actions, he was reassured by his own attentiveness and paranoia. Though he was aware that he might not have been watching the window at every moment to see if anyone might have been peeking in on them, he felt like he would have noticed if someone had. Plus! - The bed they were in was a good distance from the windows and it would have made it much more difficult to see them from all the way across the room. Ironically, he was comforted by his own paranoia.
As he was musing over those thoughts, David was yammering on about something he could vaguely make out as something to do with comic book superheroes. David was aiming the conversation at him but the other cub's clamoring and shouting drowned out most of what he was saying. The rest he tuned out by being consumed in his own concentration. He nodded a few times to show he was listening and David was none the wiser.
After dinner they were made to sit through an insufferable feature length movie about a football coach that inspires his team to victory with a little help from the Lord Almighty. It was as nauseatingly saccharine as most 'inspirationally-themed' Christian movies went. Even though he didn't disagree with most of what was being said, he found himself rolling his eyes at how hard the movie was pandering to the audience. It dealt with all the things the usual Christian movie portrays: A man's faith is tested, he falls into doubt, prays for a sign, an impossible and improbable thing happens or his prayer is answered, and all the praise is given to God instead of the people that actually worked to make the 'miracle' happen. Roll credits.
He wasn't against praying or asking for forgiveness or guidance, but he was acutely aware of the hypocrisy behind crediting God for something that other people did. The team won? It wasn't all their hard work and training but GOD'S will. A wife makes a turnaround from the malignant cancer? It wasn't the doctors or the medical treatment but GOD'S WILL! To Jonathan, it stunk of insincerity and lending credit where credit wasn't due. He was also aware that if the opposite had happened and the team had lost or the wife had succumbed to the cancer, it was 'God working in mysterious ways' as opposed to 'Shit happens.'
As Jonathan was bored and a little peeved by the films pretense, David was dozing off before the film was even close to the climax. After the screen faded to back and some cheesy Christian soul music accompanied the scrolling credits going up the screen, Jonathan looked over at the pup next to him and gave him a little nudge.
David snorted awake and sat up, rubbing his glazed eyes with his paws. "Did the Mighty Lions win?" He asked.
"Yeah, of course they did. Why wouldn't they?" Jonathan said a little derisively.
"Oh good," David said. He let out a little sigh as he stretched the sleep out of his limbs.
Before they had a chance to leave the auditorium after the lights came on, Durham stepped up to the podium and started talking to them about the film. It was a mistake on his part as most of the 12-13 year olds were all riled up after the movie and popcorn and didn't have the attention spans to give the elderly fox five minutes to ask what they had learned from the film. He pressed through until finally letting them get back to their cabins before lights out.
Jonathan and David went back to their empty cabin to enjoy at least one more night of solitude together before the rest of their peers came back from the camping trip. The feeling of malaise, which had faded almost away from his mind during the film, was now creeping back up on Jonathan as it followed him back to the cabin. He couldn't shake the thought of someone knowing what they had done together... The shame of the act itself and the shame of his own conflicting feelings for his friend were densely overshadowed by the looming and ambiguous 'What-if?'.
David seemed to notice Jonathan's anxious contemplation and gave him a nudge with his elbow. "What'cha thinkin about, kitty?"
Jonathan furrowed his brow. "Nothing..."
David gave a concerned but yielding look. Jonathan could tell that David wanted to press further but was holding himself back from doing so. He silently commended the pup's restraint and kept moving forward.
Jonathan was first into the empty cabin, followed by David who flicked on the light. He climbed up the steps of the bunk and threw himself down against the lumpy and uncomfortable mattress with a sigh. A moment later, David's head peeked over the rim of the bed and watched Jonathan curiously. Jonathan pretended not to notice as he gazed straight up at the ceiling. He could feel those light blue eyes on him, nosing him with their playful and inquisitive stare. After about 30 seconds he was getting antsy, wanting to turn on the pup and explode on him. Instead, he gave a little groan and turned on his side to glare at him.
David's lips turned up in a cheesy grin, showing off his rows of pearly white puppy fangs. "Hi." There was almost a hint of a giggle in the simplicity of his greeting.
Jonathan, not in the least amused, gave him a lightly reproachful look. He couldn't stay mad at that goofy, lovable face but he could be annoyed at his behavior.
David put his arms up on the bed and crossed them as he watched Jonathan with a more concerned look behind his smile. He opened his mouth a few times but closed it just as quickly. Jonathan knew that he was still trying to hold back his prying or at least contemplating a way to work around the question and figure out what was making him so moody tonight. Jonathan rolled back to his original position and sighed heavily.
"Fine..." He recounted the events after Durham had nearly walked in on them that morning, detailing his encounter with Joey at the volleyball game. There was a lot of uncertainty in his voice, expressing his doubt if Joey had any knowledge about them at all, if he had just imagined or miscalculated Joey's expressions as he went to text on his phone. David listened and nodded, looking attentive as Jonathan concluded his little story before contributing to it himself.
"Hey, I don't think you need to worry..."
"Why not?" Jonathan said with a frown. He said it carefully, trying not to sound snarky or condescending.
"Well," David said in a light, reassuring voice that was different from the way he usually spoke, "For one, you don't even live around here. Who's Joey gonna tell? Vince is the only one that knows you and he'd be cool with you being gay."
Jonathan flinched at the term, as if the flames of Hell had drifted his direction and licked inches from his face. "But what if he tells Pastor Durham or...someone? What if they tell my parents what we did? They're already fighting a lot as it is..." Jonathan drifted off, looking sad.
David leaned over and placed a comforting paw on Jonathan's leg. When he looked down at the pup and saw the compassion and kindness on his sweet, dumb face, he felt the warmth of the love he had for David spread through him. It faded quickly and was replaced by a feeling of shame. He laid his head back on the pillow and let out a sigh through his teeth.
"I don't think he would have seen us this morning," David said, leaving his paw where it was. "And I don't think he was watching us in the cabin either. Even if he did...You shouldn't be worried."
"Why not?" Jonathan asked, a lot softer this time.
David smiled. "Because I won't let anything bad happen."
Jonathan wanted to snort with laughter but held his tongue. It sounded so corny coming from the pup, like something the hero would say to a damsel in a movie. In a snide voice, his brain thought, 'Exactly_how_ would you stop something bad from happening? Are you going to walk up to Durham and fight him into not telling my parents? Are you gonna go beat up the bad boys that want to hurt him?' Then, a more considerate voice spoke up in his brain in response, 'Just have a little bit of faith in him'.
He gave David a half-hearted smile and a shrug as he looked back down at the face resting on the side of his bed. The face rose as David ascended halfway up the steps and leaned in to kiss Jonathan on the lips. They held together for a wonderful, blissful moment before Jonathan felt a little tremor of fear and self-consciousness. He pulled back and stared into the pup's crisp, blue eyes. He felt like he knew what falling in love meant in those seconds where they just gazed at one another. David had a sweet, dumb face alright. But he could also see the handsome man the pup would become one day, more mature and intelligent. Those eyes held a little spark of brilliance that most would not see unless they really looked.
Jonathan saw David's eyes flick up briefly towards the dark window, watching the obsidian blackness of the night behind the murky pane of glass. He wondered if he was checking to see if anyone was watching in on them or not. Unless Joey or someone had their face pressed right up against the window it would have been nearly impossible to tell if anyone was spying on them. The eyes came back to him and he murmured in a low, almost sensual voice. "You wanna...?"
Jonathan swallowed dryly and asked, "What if someone sees us?"
David shook his head, looking a little amused and annoyed. "No one's going to see us. The lights'll be out and everyone will be asleep. We can take it to the showers if you want...I can lock the doors..."
Jonathan gave it a second to think over it. He processed the risks and possibilities of getting caught and measured it up against how much he wanted to play with David. The bathrooms and showers had no windows, the doors could easily be locked, and the ventilation screens were too high up to be peered through unless someone had a ladder. Still, it seemed risky and given his uncertain encounter with Joey it seemed all the more dangerous to follow through with. Though he wasn't entirely sure that Joey knew what they had done...
He took a deep breath and let it out, looked down at David, and with a conceding smile, said, "Alright..."
David pumped his fists into the air and let out a little cheer.