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"Then I get outside and into my car and I'm driving out to the store and my mind is skipping around and wondering how my life would have been different had I been born one day earlier then I'm thinking it wouldn't have been different other than I would have asked that question yesterday."

• Steven Wright, from "I Still Have A Pony"

This was most definitely an eye opener for Jared. He looked around his surroundings, wondering what he'd see. He most definitely saw some things. Of course, due to him noticing he's being watched, he knows better to let his mind dwell to long on what he's seeing. The mere fact that he even wants to share his view of the world was a tad bit frightening for him.

However, this wasn't about his fears. This wasn't about his doubts. Rather, this was about Jared's accomplishments. For him, he felt like accomplishments made life. One can tell how another would fare by how much they accomplished, the internalized feeling from the accomplishment, and whether they view it as a good or bad accomplishment.

As of now, Jared had a few good ones he wanted to share with the world. For him, they were something. Of course others had graduated high school. Of course others have become freshmen at a big university. However, for him, they amounted to where he was now, and that was enough for him.

Now, there is something he is willing to share though. He doesn't want to view himself as an average Joe (no offence to all the Joe's of the world)... He can write. There are other writers, yes, but none quite as talented as Jared. He can identify his feelings, he can identify his thoughts, his Achilles Heel, his flaws, perfections, morals, values, talents, perspective, beliefs, and motivations.

He can write about them.

The best part about this talent? He can transform and translate these feelings into stories. Due to him taking psychology in highschool, the young man knows what a being would do. He can take his feelings, add them to a character, and put this new life he made into a situation he might be in, or, if he wants to, into something far fetched, like surviving on another planet, or being a cyborg.

Now, Jared feels like he's bragging, but these stories all have heart, all have charm. They contain fragments of his personality, they contain his thoughts, views even. It is most definitely a good sign if he finds himself questioning his writing. It shows he has some sort of "flaw" in his line of thought. He can fix it. He can fix himself.

This story, this tale, is dealing with how Jared is questioning himself. He has found out that he has no one to fully rely on. He's being silly, yes, but he feels out of touch, out of place. He is starting to... how does one say it... "become an ass hole." He feels like he is becoming one. He is finding out he could care less of what his actions does to others. He doesn't care what he says to others. Love means nothing to him, but hope, trust, and happiness holds some tangible meaning in his life.

So, he is proposed with a question: "What is wrong with me?"

If anything, he feels like he's been nothing but a shoulder. A shoulder to lean on. He's had no voice. He was just a toy, a robot his family built. He didn't like that. Jared did not like that at all. What was his family thinking, raising him to be loving and caring? Or, rather, try to show him how to be loving and caring?

...

Well... How are they supposed to know that he feels like this? He can't just outright say how he feels. The man knows feelings are a way to get into someone's head. A way to get into their heart, in their life. And ruin it. He's seen how his sister, Janine, became when she met Dan. It was hectic. It was one of those relationships where it was just a one-sided love. Unrequited love. Jared didn't like how she changed.

From that experience, he knew that others were just out to get at each other's throats to feel something more than "I'm happy," or other crap like that. It didn't make sense to him why others chased something they'd never get. So... now... He is here, at his desk. He is wondering how... How to write about a realistic, slice-of-life romance. Yes, he wants to know how to write about love. Jared wants to know how write about something he has never felt before.

A smile spreads across the young man's face. He can see how now. He can experience love. He needs to. Of course it was for selfish reasons, but he wanted to see what all the craze about love is. The man stands up, and walks out of his house. He walks to the outside world, and - to the best of his ability - tries to wear his metaphorical heart on his sleeve.

Jared then sees what was so magnetic about feelings. They charge you up, they batter you down, and all the time you are feeling SOMETHING, you most definitely are alive. He sees that crying has it's used. That laughing is an accomplishment. That being angry is something reserved for some scenarios, but being angry is something close to cathartic.

Love, however, encompasses all this.

It drove him wild when he saw that he had fallen for a girl named Gertha. The name, while hilarious and old fashioned, didn't quite match how beautiful she was. It wasn't just limited to how she looked - which was not that bad, really - but rather it was her personality.

It wasn't all rainbows and sunshine with her. She was drop dead serious. She was tough. She was defiant. Gertha knew how to box. How to fight. For Jared, she was a goddess. He hadn't felt so excited, so PUMPED about anything before. He can feel the amount of dopamine his brain was processing. He could feel his heart aching for her affection. He couldn't get her out of his head, and it drove him crazy.

The man couldn't stop smiling and decided he should wait a bit longer for their friendship to strengthen. He couldn't wait to ask the question. This was amazing. He now knows what to write when it comes this feeling called "love" that everyone is striving for. He can see why. Love is addicting.

...

Then he realized something. "Addicting." He knows that addictions are bad. He knows that the feeling when he's in love from now on would not feel the same. He would feel the heart ache sooner or later. He might feel happy the rest of his life if he were to live with her. He might feel desperation and longing and sadness and depression and probably anger if she didn't react to his confession.

Jared didn't want this. He didn't want it. But he couldn't help but ask.

She said no.

More precisely, "I'm sorry Jared, but I'm a lesbian."

This sent him off his rockers. He then felt relieved. He knows he's safe now. He laughed at that. He can't believe he had fallen for a lesbian. Keyword: had.

Of course, the friendship was put on hold after he laughed at that, but he couldn't help it. It was like a comedy of sorts for him. "Straight guy falls for homosexual female!" Hardy-har-har.

The young man then went back to his house, he sat down, and began writing. Of course, he had written during his time outside, but those writings were ruined by the blinding feelings of everything. For him, he had keep a clear mind to see if what he was doing was good for him.

He sorta forgot about that when he tried to see what love was like.

Jared quietly typed all of his thoughts out. He compared to other authors. His take on the feeling of love was new and refreshing. It was something. He made a thing. Jared felt accomplished.

He smiled at this thought of accomplishing something. He took out a list of accomplishments. As he read through what he did (i.e. graduating high school, falling for a lesbian, writing a book about his experience with loving a lesbian, wrote about his despise of love, had graduated his freshman year at college with a minimum of a B grade with a course load of 5 classes, and surviving a car crash his sister died in), the young man slowly found out what he was.

Jared questioned this list. He read what he wrote. He saw he... what? He looked further down the page. He saw something he didn't like. He didn't like it. Was he about to die? No... He can't die. He can't. There was so much life had to offer. The sociopath (he labled himself that, not me) shook his head. He had to defy the laws of nature. He didn't want it.

The young man quickly formulated a plan. If he were to die, he needed to live quickly. Time was short. Time was fast. His enemy was now time. "There is no time for time this time," became a sort of slogan for Jared. He got a job. He got a girlfriend, cheated on her, tried to be with a guy, travelled to London, and all that. He felt like he was rushing through things.

He constantly looked at his growing list of accomplishments. They were becoming nothing. Of course he had climbed Mount Everest. Of course he went to Canada. Of course he tried to be with a guy. Hell, he tried to be religious at one point. But it wouldn't matter.

"We'd all die, right?" he asks.

I refuse to answer.

"But... why can't you answer?"

It's up to you decide how you live.

"..."

So, I leave you some things to consider Jared. You are growing old. You can't escape that. You may enjoy your life while you live. You may take your life. You may rush through it. You can accumulate your list of accomplishments. All that matters is what you do with the ones you love. Got it Jared?

The character nods.

Good. Whatever you do from now on is entirely up to you. It's up to you how your life ends. Don't worry. You will feel content with what you've done. If not, there is a chance you will redeem yourself in another life. If that doesn't happen, you can take your punishment with a heavy but resolute heart. You just need to be a good sport, okay?

"..."

Okay.