Isolation
I got into a predicament with my sister and my dad about an hour ago. I needed to release some steam, so I recaptured it in a story about how I love retreating into the depths of isolation.
I stand there, frozen. I don't take pity in what I've just done.
It's my family, sitting on the couch, laughing at me, that I take pity in.
I was startled out of my mind and could have gotten seriously hurt.
Out of all people, why does my family find humor in this?
"I'm so sorry! I promise I'm not laughing at you! It's just..."
You think I don't see past that bullshit! Why are you still laughing?
Embarrased out of my mind, I release a short burst of vulgar hatred.
I walk downstairs to my bedroom where I can find bliss in this daily hell.
I step into my dimly lit room and sit down on my bed and pity myself.
I fend off the strong urge to release tears. when I hear my dad coming down.
I quickly eye for something I could throw at him as I yell a threat:
"Don't you dare take one step into my room!" After some argument, he leaves.
I start thinking about a rope in the corner of my room but I see otherwise.
Next to me is my source of anxiety relief and family escape: my laptop.
I turn it on, plug in my headset and my mouse, and turn off the lights in my room.
The ambience of the music I que up adds to the blue and green lights coming from my electronics
Not knowing what elst to do, I do my favorite thing: write a story.
This is just an example of how I live most of my life: in dark, cold isolation.
I become one of my own, not the family. And I love the feeling of loneliness.
It releases the boundaries of my household rules on me, and my brain can run free.
I can enter a world where I can think or do practically whatever I want without judgement.
I don't like when the family singles me out in the most pitiful ways, so I run.
I run to the safety of my room. The freedom of self-inflicted solitary confinement.
And I crave every second of it like Heroin.