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Letting Go

Chapter 35

"I want to know more," Evelyn said, "about your culture and your gods." She was wearing a deerskin dress, and a shawl made of fluffy brown bear fur was pulled tight around her shoulders.

Aina had made Evelyn's clothing for her. She found it sad that dogs in high stations did not know how to do such simple things as sew clothing. Evelyn couldn't do anything for herself, while Aina - princess of her tribe - could hunt, cook, sew, fish, and make her own weapons. The way dogs treated their leaders disgusted her. Among the foxes, Evelyn was like a child, and Aina knew that her kin looked upon their dog guests with pity.

At least Eldon was useful. He learned to hunt with a bow quickly enough and was soon bringing in deer, rabbit, and fish as easily as his fox tutors. Great Sampson improved his cooking under the careful tutelage of fox elders. He listened and watched their instruction with quiet eyes and always managed to emulate them to a T. Lenard lent his efforts through carrying buckets of freshwater to and from the stream on his strong shoulders, while Chauncey was so wrapped up in Neeki, the foxes teased that they would soon have little ones. The elders - having the most cemented hatred for dogs - looked sourly upon their blossoming love. But the younger foxes found them terribly romantic.

Like Chauncey, Aina had faced scrutiny for marrying Evelyn. She was their princess and was supposed to carry on her sacred bloodline. Aina told them the great Ti'uu bird had promised her a child, and when they heard the news, it seemed to satisfy them for the time being.

Evelyn was more excited than the foxes themselves, though she scolded Aina for not telling her much sooner. After Aina's revelation, she couldn't stop discussing names, and Aina listened to her sadly: she had not told anyone the child's name would be Azrian, as ordained by Great Ti'uu Bird. Nor had she told anyone that she would die birthing it. She couldn't see why she should trouble them with more sorrow and so kept the sorrow buried within herself.

As she walked paw in paw with Evelyn, Aina looked at her tribe, silently remembering their happy faces. Old Ayene with her long braids had always loved to cook and had always presided over the tribe's festivals and feast days. Biru was a master hunter and a bit of a drunk - he got along famously with Eldon. Yafet was a fisher who loved to laugh and always smelled of the river. Dynia had five children - two of which died in Celankobi - and had happily taken all the orphaned cubs under her wing. She sat surrounded by them even now, a small multitude of snotty, dirty, tearstained little ones playing in her mane, bouncing on her lap, and picking their own noses.

They were going to die. All of them. Aina wished she knew how soon or even how. But Ti'uu Bird had not seemed willing to impart that information.

"Why?" Aina muttered under her breath. She was clad in a deerskin dress and moccasins, and wearing familiar clothing again was like coming home. Her cropped red mane beat back in the sudden breeze in rippling spikes. The nights were getting colder, and while foxes had a natural resistance to the cold, she knew she would have to make Evelyn a coat soon.

Evelyn squeezed Aina's paw as they walked from the camp and into the trees. "Because I'm one of your tribe now!" she said with a laugh. "To fully embrace your culture, I must understand it, mustn't I? You spoke to the great Ti'uu! What was it like, speaking to a god?" she cried, blue eyes bright with fascination.

Aina stared at the ground. She wished Evelyn would stop asking questions. Fox culture was hardly as fascinating as she seemed to believe it was. The mushrooms were a prime example. That fathers drugged their daughters into having sex was . . . astounding. And yet Evelyn ignored that aspect of the culture entirely.

"That is like asking about sex if you've never had it," Aina said and looked away.

"Oh," Evelyn said quietly, and the disappointment in her voice sent a thrill of guilt though Aina. She squeezed Aina's fingers. "Then what's E'cru like?"

Aina blinked sadly. Each time Evelyn mentioned Ti'uu, she was forced to think of him riding her on his hard penis, the way he pulled her back in his lap, her helpless cries . . . And the fact that she was going to have his child. And die having it.

"Lily?" Evelyn said anxiously. "What's the matter?" She pulled her paw and they came to a stop as twilight reached purple through the silent trees.

"Nothing," Aina muttered.

"Bullshit," Evelyn said at once and gently brushed Aina's red mane from her ear. "Is it your father? Talking might help. When my father died . . ." She bit her lip.

Aina's lip trembled. She didn't resist when Evelyn's slender arms enfolded her. She let her cheek fall on the warm softness of Evelyn's breasts and closed her eyes, listening to that gentle heartbeat. Her arms slipped around Evelyn's narrow waist and squeezed. She looked at her wife and pushed the stray curls back from her cheek.

"What is it, darling?" Evelyn whispered softly, intimately. "You're trembling."

Aina looked into those blue eyes, so warm and so kind. "I love you. And no matter what happens, I promise we will be together here and now. And that we will make the most of it."

Evelyn frowned. ". . . what do you mean? What's going to happen?" she asked carefully.

Aina touched her cheek. "Nothing, mi sihle." She looked at Evelyn's lips and kissed her tenderly. Evelyn happily tightened her arms around her, and as their manes lifted dreamily in the wind, their lips slowly tasted.

Evelyn sighed when Aina pulled away. "Don't stop . . ." she whispered. She pulled Aina close and kissed her again, hungrily. When she pulled back, they rubbed noses, and Aina closed her eyes, letting the content wash over her.

They continued on, walking paw in paw as the trees around them dazzled with the last rays of the sinking sun. Evelyn swung their clasped paws playfully and Aina smiled.

"When are we going to move past infatuation," Evelyn said happily, "and start arguing like an old married couple?"

"Infatuation?"

"I can't help myself when I'm around you. You know that. I wonder when I'll get used to you. Or if I ever will." Evelyn laughed lightly, her white curls slapping her lips in the wind.

"Have you been in love before?" Aina wondered.

Evelyn smiled sadly. "Oh, yes."

"What happened?"

"I had to get married," Evelyn said, swallowing hard. She glanced around. "Where are we going?"

Aina smiled. "I wanted to give you something."

"Really?" Evelyn said happily.

"We didn't have a proper wedding," Aina said apologetically. "Should have been ceremonial baths, gifts . . ."

Evelyn squeezed her paw. "It's alright, darling. We didn't exactly have the resources for all that," she said with a sad laugh. ". . . and did you say baths?"

Aina laughed. "We would have been bathed in sandalwood oils. Would have been rubbed on sex for husband. If two females marry, something tastier is rubbed there . . . for wife to lick off."

Evelyn's lashes fluttered. "Is . . . is that what they did when . . .?" She looked at Aina sadly.

"No," Aina whispered. "I never had a wedding with Uku. My father forced me to him."

"Ah," Evelyn said sympathetically and squeezed her fingers.

"What's important is that Ti'uu has accepted us."

"That's right. The tribe can't say no to a god."

Aina smiled.

They came at last to a great tree with something of a small cubbyhole in its roots. Aina reached into the hole and pulled out a small bundle, wrapped in cloth. As Evelyn watched, she unfolded it to reveal a shell necklace, made of hemp cord and pearls. Beside the necklace was a comb shell, its spines stretching like spindly legs. Aina carefully pushed the comb shell back through Evelyn's mane, which pinned her curls to the side and forced them to spill prettily over one shoulder.

Evelyn smiled as Aina fastened the necklace around her throat next. The center shell lay cold on her breasts. She looked at the gleaming pearls and sighed. "Wherever did you get pearls?"

"They wash up at river. I collect each one and keep it for mi sihle. They represent how many times I kiss you each day."

Evelyn smiled and shook her head, white curls cascading. "There are eight pearls, darling. Eight kisses aren't nearly enough."

Aina's response was to kiss Evelyn's lips. Her small paw slid through her white curls as she drew the taller female down close. Evelyn closed her in her arms. "But I don't have anything for you," she said, lips brushing Aina's.

Aina's hazel eyes crinkled up in a smile. "You give me you."

Evelyn laughed softly. "Do I? I thought you belonged to me," she whispered, backing Aina toward a tree.

They kissed against the tree, slowly, sweetly. Evelyn set her foot on a high tree root, using it like a stool as her knee forced Aina's leg up. Aina's foot dangled over Evelyn's knee, forcing her legs to spread and the flap of her deerskin dress to lift higher. Evelyn slid her tongue against Aina's in a wet embrace as her careful paw made its way up her skirt. Her fingers glided slowly in her moist sex, gently caressing, as their lips slowly tasted, as their tongues twisted.

Aina shivered as Evelyn's fingers closed on her breast in a strong massage.

"No panties," Evelyn whispered against her lips. "Why don't foxes wear panties? Not that I'm complaining. . . ."

Aina laughed softly. "You say that on our wedding night."

"I did. I like pulling a girl's panties off, feeling how wet they are. It adds to the anticipation."

"Then I'll wear panties for you."

"No, don't," Evelyn whispered and frowned. "Sometimes you bend over and it's right lovely. Drives a girl round the bend." She trailed careful kisses down Aina's neck. Her paws squeezed Aina's breasts, and she knew she was wishing she could get her dress off to suck them. "Ah. This is maddening."

Aina laughed softly. "We should return anyhow. Almost supper."

"Tonight then, my princess. I shall have to ravish you beside the fire instead," Evelyn joked.

Aina smiled: they slept each night on bearskins and deerskins, curled near the fire, breasts to breasts. There was no real privacy in the camp - not unless one decided to sneak off to some dark part of the ruin for a quick embrace. Thus, Aina and Evelyn would never have truly done anything while beside the fire. When Evelyn was thirsty for more than mere cuddling, she made her desires known - with an aggression that left Aina weak afterwards. They would go to the fields where they had made love the day of their wedding, and down in the grass together, they would kiss and touch as birds sang around them.

"Do I belong to you?" Aina whispered as they walked.

Evelyn twined her tail around Aina's. "I dare anyone to try to take you from me," she said darkly.

Aina glanced at her happily. "So protective. Makes me wet," she teased.

Evelyn smiled. "Good to know. What else makes you wet? I know watching me bathe is probably number one . . ." She shrugged her shoulder playfully, and one of her big breasts jiggled as she dragged her tongue over her fang.

Aina laughed. "I miss that, watching you bathe. Seeing you . . . touch yourself." She looked away. "Seems so long ago now."

Silent fell between them, and they walked for a while in content.

"You don't belong to me," Evelyn said softly. She pulled Aina closer as they walked, her tail winding affectionately around hers. "You belong with me."

Aina's heart fluttered, and they smiled at each other.

Paw in paw, Aina and Evelyn finally arrived back at camp. They halted to find themselves face to face with Nhlahla, whose throat was tight, whose eyes were flat when she saw them. She stood with Thandanani's staff in her paw, clutching her black wolfskin to her throat. Her short white mane hung limp around her ears and lifted lazily in the breeze.

In the sudden tension, the three females stared at each other, until finally, Evelyn kissed Aina on the cheek and went ahead into the camp. As she passed Nhlahla, she avoided her gaze, and Nhlahla in turn lowered her eyes to the earth. Her lip curled in disgust as Evelyn moved past her, no doubt brushing her with the sweet scent of her white curls. When Evelyn had gone, she lifted her eyes to Aina and they blazed with hurt and anger.

Aina wanted to follow Evelyn but felt frozen in place by Nhlahla's silent fury. She and Nhlahla had pointedly avoided speaking since their first encounter. Once Ti'uu returned to the tribe, there seemed little reason to. And doing so would only cause them both pain.

Needless to say, Nhlahla made herself scarce during Aina and Evelyn's wedding. No one saw her for three days, though foxes set out to look. When she finally returned to camp, she was cold and withdrawn and refused to speak to anyone. She would sit alone at a small fire on the edge of camp, huddled in her wolfskin and clutching Thandanani's staff as if it were the last shred of familiarity in this new place. Aina had wanted to reach out to her, but somehow, she knew she'd only make things worse.

"You used to love me like that," Nhlahla said into the silence.

Aina looked at her miserably.

"You used to look at me like I was the only one in the room," Nhlahla went on. Her throat constricted and she said with a sudden sob, "I would die for you."

Aina frowned sadly. "Nhlahla . . ." She offered her paws and moved toward the younger vixen, but Nhlahla stepped back.

"Stay away, traitor," Nhlahla hissed and beat her staff in the earth sharply.

Aina halted, the misery pulling down in her chest. "Nhlah . . ."

"I will not believe Great Ti'uu acknowledged your obsession with that . . . thing," Nhlahla said darkly. She shook her head. "I should have killed her. I should have killed her when I had the chance."

Aina's face darkened. "And then what? You and I would live happily ever after? Would I gladly make love to the murderer of my lover? Behind my husband's back? Even as he raped and beat me?"

Nhlahla winced and flattened her ears, as if Aina's words had struck her like a fist. She lowered her long lashes to the ground and said with a trembling lip, "Uku didn't r-rape you . . ."

Aina shook her head. "Nhlah --"

"He didn't!" she screamed.

Aina looked at her and saw the disturbed eyes of one who had seen tragedy and destruction one time too many. Nhlahla's parents died when she was a cub, and she had witnessed her younger brother's death. How many deaths did Nhlahla also witness as Celankobi burned? How many wails of agony did she drown out with her tears as cubs screamed to the sky?

"The dog lord raped my brother," Nhlahla whispered, tilting her head. A tear trailed from her eye. "And then he shot him. That's what happened. You were there."

"Yes," Aina lied, resigned to humor her at last. "Come, Nhlah . . . it's supper. Let's go and eat."

"Yes," Nhlahla whispered and didn't protest when Aina put her arm around her and led her toward one of the campfires. "They call me Nhlahla the Lucky . . ."

"Because you make your own luck," Aina finished for her and smiled sadly.

Nhlahla swallowed miserably, her wet eyes sliding to their corners to regard Aina. "But I'm not so lucky, am I?" She waited, and when Aina's unhappy eyes couldn't meet her gaze, she whispered, "No. I'm not so lucky at all."

Supper was as merry and loud as it had been for the last few weeks. Neeki sat in Chauncey's lap, allowing him to feed her as young foxes looked on, teasing them with oos and awws, while older foxes darkly shook their heads. Lenard and Eldon sat together talking quietly and happily. The captain spilled something down his lip, and when Eldon wiped it off with his thumb, Lenard blushed like a boy.

Sampson had participated in preparing supper and seemed very proud that everyone was enjoying it. He sat beside Nhlahla, watching everyone tuck in with satisfaction, before he noticed the vixen was not eating her meal. Ever the strong silent type, Sampson grunted at Nhlahla and nodded questioningly at her food - which was a sort of bread wrap full of meat and vegetables. Nhlahla's lashes fluttered and she assured big Sampson that it was delicious. She just . . . had no appetite. As she spoke, she glanced over at Aina, who was talking happily with Evelyn and barely caught her words. But she caught them. Aina looked at Nhlahla unhappily, and the Lucky One returned to her meal.

"Food is good for the heart's sorrow," Sampson said.

Nhlahla looked at him, taken aback by the fact that he had spoken. And in her language, no less. She looked at her meal again and poked it. "Is it? If it were that easy to fix a broken heart, I'd be big as a burrow by now."

Sampson chuckled. "I put heart into making this. So let my heart . . . heal your heart." So saying, he pinched off a bit of the bread and pressed it to Nhlahla's lips. Nhlahla's lashes fluttered, but she slid her tongue out and accepted. They looked into each other's eyes, and sitting nearby with Evelyn, Aina saw the connection crackle between them lightning. And something in her . . . broke.

Later that night, Aina was lying in Evelyn's arms beside the fire when she saw Nhlahla slip away into the ruins. Her ears pricked forward as she watched the little vixen look both ways before disappearing down a dark stair. Aina slowly sat up, pushing Evelyn's slender arm away. She glanced at Evelyn to make sure the foxhound was sleeping and smiled: Evelyn looked so beautiful when she was sleeping, so helpless, absorbed as she was in her dream. Aina touched the white curls that cascaded into the sweep of Evelyn's lashes, but she pushed herself up and followed Nhlahla.

The vixen hadn't gotten far. Before Aina had even reached the bottom of the stair, she could hear voices. She crept to the bottom and peered around the wall. She almost gasped. Nhlahla was standing at the end of the corridor, touching her paw to a sconce. Light swelled in the darkness, slowly glowing stronger to reveal big Sampson, who towered over her in the shadows, his amber mane long and loose.

"You came after all," Sampson whispered in the language of the foxes.

Nhlahla turned to look up at him, her white mane rippling back. "Why wouldn't I?"

Sampson twisted his big fingers, looking sheepish. "I don't know, my lady. You're so pretty . . . you could have any one of those foxes out there. And I'm . . ."

"A gentleman," Nhlahla said fondly. "And so sweet and kind. I never expected . . ." She reached up on tiptoe and touched his face, and Aina saw his eyes soften as he looked down at her. "But my heart is afraid," she whispered.

Sampson nodded. "Your heart is broken," he said, taking her paw and patting it. His paws were so large, they swallowed hers. "Whatever Lily did to you," he said earnestly and frowned, "I would never hurt you."

Aina's ears flattened wretchedly but she couldn't bring herself to turn away.

They started to kiss, and Nhlahla reached down, unbuckling Sampson's belt with clumsy fingers. His big paws pushed up Nhlahla's dress, and Aina closed her eyes when they clutched her buttocks in fistfuls.

"How do you know my language?" Nhlahla whispered.

"I told you I was captured by foxes once," Sampson answered. "I stayed with them a long time . . . I fell in love with one even. They allowed us to marry."

Nhlahla pulled back and looked at him. "What happened to her?"

Sampson closed his eyes, as if pained. "You do not want to know, my lady."

"My lady," Nhlahla whispered happily. "I love it when you call me that . . ." She trailed kisses down Sampson's rippling chest. She had managed to pull open his shirt and his pants, and he stood there, mussed and undone, watching with soft eyes as her careful tongue dragged along his hard penis. He sighed, and when she had devoured him, he clapped his big paw on her head and helped her suck.

Aina backed around the wall and listened miserably as Nhlahla gave Sampson oral pleasure. Every lick, suck, and sigh was another crack in her heart. And she hated it. She hated herself. Hadn't she left Nhlahla for another? Then why not try to be happy for her now? But Nhlahla was her first love . . . She looked around the corner again and wanted to punch Sampson: he had picked up Nhlahla and was lifting her up and down on his erection. Her head fell back and she cried out, riding on him with trembling breasts. His nostrils flared, and with fire in his eyes, he licked her breasts in hard, loving laps.

"Oh . . . oh, Sampson . . . make love to me . . ." Nhlahla sighed breathlessly.

"Mm . . . Oh, Nhlahla . . . My Nhlahla . . . shit."

Aina flattened her ears and walked away. When she returned, it was to find Evelyn sitting up and awake, looking around for her. Her white curls were a mess in her face. When her eyes alighted on Aina, she smiled in relief.

"There you are," Evelyn said as Aina sat with her on their bearskin. She pulled Aina between her legs, hugging her from behind. "I hate it when you disappear like that, darling. . . . Lily? What's the matter?"

Aina closed her eyes miserably. "A path has just ended. A new one begins." She looked over her shoulder and smiled at Evelyn, whose blue eyes were bright with concern.

Evelyn was relieved by that smile. "Whatever you say, darling," she teased. "Let's go back to sleep. I've gotten so used to you, I can't sleep when you're not there."

"Gotten used to me?" Aina laughed as they snuggled down again. She pressed her cheek in the softness of Evelyn's great breasts and happily closed her eyes as her lover's slender fingers caressed through her cropped mane.

"Yes," Evelyn whispered. "It's rather like breathing. You're so used to doing it that when you suddenly can't, you remember how you need it to live." She laughed. "It's like you've become my breath."

"I'd prefer to be a heartbeat," Aina teased.

Evelyn laughed softly. Aina squeezed her big breast through her deerskin dress, relishing in the softness. She wished she could see it. She loved the downy white fur and the hard pink nipple. Evelyn's nipple hardened from Aina's touch. Aina slowly sucked it through the fabric, dragging the tip of her tongue against it.

"Oh. . . ." Evelyn moaned. She frowned helplessly. "Don't start something we can't finish, Lily . . ."

"I miss sleeping naked in your arms," Aina confessed, dropping her cheek on Evelyn's breasts again.

Evelyn stroked her mane. "I know. One day we'll have a home. With a bed and everything. I'll build it for you."

Aina laughed. "You? You can't even sew a button."

Evelyn grinned. "But I will. I'll build us a home. And every night, we'll sleep naked, breasts to breasts."

Aina kissed Evelyn and whispered against her lips, "And I'll never let you go."