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The Life of Brian

By Zatarra L. Vulpe

"Brian."

"Yes sir?"

"You've done good today, I think we can get one of the interns to handle it from here, go have a good weekend, okay?"

"Yes sir, thank you very much sir."

"Not a problem at all, wanna keep you good and rested. Just don't go out drinking without me, eh?"

"Oh of course sir."

Brian opened the front door, glancing back at Pickman and Taber Accounting. His breath barely puffed, but it felt like removing a weight.

"I know right?"

Brian gave a nod. It was another accountant from his level.

"Christ, he was almost happy today, wha'd you do?"

"Just a little fancy number work."

"Must have been something. Ah well, anyway, I'll see ya round man, just hope he doesn't like you _too_much."

Brian faked a chuckle "Yeah no shit."

Brian wandered off toward his own home. He lived in an arts district, which in a major city means fashion. He was passing by dresses and shirts that were way above his pay grade, ones that would probably have knock offs a few streets over in a month or so. But staring at them with show room lights made Brian's eyes widen a little. He couldn't help drifting a little closer as he passed, enjoying the sheen of silk and the mix of traditional and modern forms. Of colors and lights. He would have given anything to be the effaced mannequins displaying a long, pink dress with heavy silken tresses.

He looked away. He could probably afford one if he didn't spend on anything at all for the next decade, that or just waited for the knockoffs to go on sale, if they last that long. He tried not to think about it and half-heartedly resolved to work on his dieting first.

"Excuse me!"

Brian stopped, spotted a lady in a blue shirt with a pair of large, round glasses. She seemed to be staring straight at him, but he numbly glanced left and right to be sure. She was standing in front of an older shop, one that seemed to have an over simplified landscape theme to a lot of its art, from cursory glance.

"Yes you! Hi!"

"Umm, hi?"

She smiled brightly, her eyes barely visible from the sheen on her extremely thick specs. He wondered half seriously if they weighed her down at all. She was rather thin, fairly small, probably about a head shorter than he was. She had an incisor that seemed a little pronounced every time she opened her mouth. She trotted over to him, as though she weren't quite used to walking, a little giggle with every bounce as she moved.

"Hello there! I just couldn't help but notice you walk by here just about every day."

"Uh, yeah, sure, I kinda like the arts around here."

"Cool! I love art, but I'm trying to raise awareness for shops like mine. I mean being caught between all these designer shops kind of makes little places like this invisible don't it?"

Now that Brian thought about it he really didn't remember ever even looking into this shop before, or how long it had been here. "Yeah I think I get you."

She giggled, a high nasal sound with an admittedly adorable snort at the end. "Of course! But, umm, right, awareness! Here!"

She shoved something into his hand and practically scuttled back to her shop door.

"Hey! Do I have to pay... for...this."

He glanced down. It was a silky little ribbon, one with a large bow tie. It was bright red, and looked just large enough to fit around someone's neck or maybe tied into their hair. He glanced at the shop, for some reason the windows had gone dark. He blinked and furrowed his brow, but shrugged and turned around, making his way home about an hour earlier than usual.

Brian turned the ribbon over and over in his hands. Clearly it was meant to be worn, though it was so girly, why would she give this to him? She must have known somehow, but then he supposed it must have been obvious to someone who's been there every day. He never really had noticed it before though, he'd figure he must have at least once.

He glanced around his apartment, greeted only by Ikea logos and a dim monitor. He supposed there wouldn't be any harm, not like he really had much else in the way of fitting clothing, but he supposed he could at least give it a try.

He grasped the little ribbon and tried it first in his hair, but his hair was way too short, even after letting it grow for a month or so. He sighed, but supposed it would make more sense around his neck anyway. He wrapped the little silk band and adjusted the little bow to be in front. The problem was it seemed too short to actually tie. He sighed. He let go of it expecting it to tumble off of his neck.

Except it didn't. He paused, feeling the gentle tension of the ribbon. He felt where the separation was supposed to be on the back of his neck, but there was none.

"Oh come on dammit."

He ran his finger under the ribbon, but it quickly snapped back into place, pinching his finger.

"Ah! What the-"

He felt a lurch in his gut. The little bow had moved to the back of his neck. It felt like it was larger, ruffling his hair. His stomach felt like it was twisting into knots. He let out a confused grunt before he doubled over. His gut felt like it was actually moving. The ribbon situated itself somewhere higher on the back of his head, leaving a wake of fallen hair.

He shook his head, trying to clear it of these strange sensations, but it only served to clear his head of hair, just his eyelashes were left. His body hair must have followed, because he felt rather smooth all the sudden, his fingers rubbing over each other to find they were slick with sweat. It was foreign, like rubbing a dolphin. He held up his hands for a second, noting that the skin was getting rather pinkish. Maybe he had a fever?

Was it the ribbon that had done this? No, that was insanity. Maybe he was drugged, or he'd finally lost it. He tried to think, but then he was greeted by a twinge from his middle and ring fingers on each hand. He tried to separate them, but the muscles wouldn't bend that way. The skin was adhering, slowly merging millions of sensitive neurons in an odd, squishy sensation. He had the singular sensation of having four fingers and five fingertips. He screamed, or made a wheezing noise that would have been one.

His clothing was pooling around him. He must have been shrinking somehow, but it was so subtle. His proportions were shifting slightly, his body becoming smaller, his head roughly the same size. He tried to grab it, but felt four sharp points instead. Brian's tailbone cracked. He heard a terrible squeaking sound in his spine as it wrenched itself from his shrinking form. His pants were slipping off just in time for him to see the point of his tail rising from his flesh. There were small, red ridges moving up his back from the point of it, his skin tinged from natural to nearly hot pink.

He tried to take a step, but his knees buckled, his legs much shorter. He bent over, his shirt slipping off, his feet slipping out of his shoes shortly before they widened. He only had three toes, the nails growing into pure white, dainty claws. He was totally bare, bright pink skin with a crème colored underbelly. His nipples were gone, though even with how small and squishy he felt, he was undoubtedly feminine, with wide hips and small shoulders.

Brian's smaller, clawed fingers reached for the center of the twisting, between his legs. He found his flesh re-molding like clay, his skin rounded, soft, he had nothing there, simply nothing. It felt so odd to be totally blank, a weird tingle from rubbing the spot where his sex used to be consumed his changed form. He tried to feel for it, a bulge, anything. It was uniform, crème colored skin that flowed along his tail and shortly between his squishy thighs.

He kept trying to scream, to call out, but his lungs didn't quite connect to his face anymore. He wasn't sure if he had them anymore. His mouth buzzed and puckered, then pushed out, his nose melding with the resulting mass. His moans were muffled as his lips wouldn't separate. They thickened, his face rounding into some strange muzzle, rubbery and finally flowering outward. He could breathe again. He tried to speak, but all that came out was a little "Whap wow."

He held his hands up to his face, the pudgy mitts slightly deforming his 'beak?' He couldn't quite figure out what his mouth looked like, but it was strange. Every little touch felt magnified, as though it might act like a third hand. He turned around, his eyes level with the back of his couch. He needed to see himself.

He trotted toward his restroom, managing to get the door and stretching, reaching for the light switch and just barely managing to make it. The little florescent bulbs only highlighted his situation, far too high for him to see clearly. He struggled with a chair, dragging it into the room and crawling onto the cushioned seat.

He was... Not at all sure what he was. He had a bright red bow that was larger than most of his head, which itself was rounded, eyes stretched apart by a short muzzle with what was simply a large, round hole around hot pink lips. His skin was a similar hue, with bright red 'spines' and a thick, lizard-like tail. He felt as though he were some kind of cartoon. Clearly nothing like this should actually exist. He pried at the exaggerated 'lip' around his... Face hole? It felt extremely sensitive, his eyes practically rolled back in his head. He was totally nude, but clearly his genitals were gone. Would that make his face... He poked it again, he made a strange, obscene little "Whooo!"

Brian was terrified. What would happen to him now? He was some kind of cute, vagina faced dinosaur thing. He was oddly expressive, the little arch of his hairless brows and the shape of his face simply conveyed his worry. His lashes fluttered slightly. By rights he should have been far more panicked, but it wasn't in him for some reason.

His gut churned again, he reached for his groin, where he felt a heavy twinge as something was working it's way from there, upward, through his body. He made small, distressed noises as his throat swelled with the protrusion. He felt a strange, warm, wet sensation. He felt it build in his face, sticky fluid slickening his lips. In a moment it pushed out, his lips struggling to pass it. He couldn't try to force it, shuddering with pleasure, his eyes shut, he leans forward, the swell sliding out, giving a dull 'thunk' into the sink. He opened his eyes. An egg. His mouth had just produced an egg, a rather large one.

He blinked. Was he female? Didn't only females lay eggs? Then again he'd lain it from his mouth, which he was pretty sure simply didn't happen. He had no idea, he couldn't even begin to guess what he was, much less how he worked. He shuddered slightly, getting down from the chair in hopes that his head would stop spinning.

"Ahah! So you are done!"

The little pink thing that Brian had become turned his head toward the doorway. The woman with thick rimmed glasses towered over his new height.

"So? Everything feeling okay? Nothing out of place?"

"Whap-wow!" He held his hands to his face. She giggled at his attempt to swear.

"How adorable, you shall make a most excellent servant for his majesty. Come along now you cute little thing."

Brian shook his head. She frowned. "Now now, really, what do you expect to do outside of your intended purpose? You probably don't even know how your cute little body works. I can help you, just come along and we'll sort everything out for you, hmm?"

Brian didn't trust this woman, but he really didn't know anything about himself, and he imagined he would likely wouldn't have lasted long. He rolled his eyes but he followed along behind her. His body seemed to jiggle with every step. She produced a little wand and waved it at the door. She trotted through the spinning, bright vortex, with little stars around them. Brian was beyond questioning, shuffling his little body through.

"- And have returned with a perfectly serviceable minion for you, my king."

The girl was gone, in her place was a blue robed... Orange... Turtle. He had the small hump of a shell hidden by the robes, but he certainly seemed masculine for having been a human female a moment ago. Brian would have considered this further but was busy staring at the extremely large lizard thing resting on a throne a short distance from him.

It had firey red hair, a set of spiked wrist and ankle bands, a thick set of jaws and a huge, spiked shell. It's visible limbs were highly muscular, ending in wicked talons. It's beady red eyes appraised him, seemingly uninterested in its servant's words.

"This creature seems extremely serviceable, with many talents that even I have yet to discover! Come forth and display yourself, minion of Bowser!"

The turtle made a flourishing gesture with the wand. Brian trotted forward, blinking slightly as he drew closer. The massive creature he assumed was Bowser leaned forward. He squinted at the pink creature, his fangs reverberating with an unimpressed growl. Brian felt the horrible gut churning sensation again, his mouth curling around a little egg that plopped softly out of his lips. Bowser's eyes widened. He stared for a moment and then barked out a laugh.

"Uhh... that is just one of the many features of... umm... Birdo! It only needs to put that beak to good use! Right?"

Brian stared at him and gave him a shrug. The turtle knew about as much as he did.

"Come now, don't be modest! Seriously, please show off."

Brian felt another little egg moving up into his throat. Bowser leaned forward slightly, a half serious grin of long fangs on his face. The turtle glared at him anxiously. He decided to pat Brian on the back with his wand. This was enough to startle Brian, the egg launching straight out of his face, shooting just wide of Bowser's head and exploding against a wall. Shell fragments and wet, clear eggy matter coated a portrait of the terrifying turtle. All three occupants of the room stared in disbelief.

"Ahah! Perfect! What a range!"

Bowser's exaggerated, flame-like brows came together low on his thick brow. Brian repeated his little imposed mantra, turning and trying to escape back through a portal that didn't exist. Bowser's movement was as impressive as his girth, all aggression and floor-shaking strength, no easy feat in what was clearly a castle. Brian sprinted down the long red carpet, the hall filled with statues of the massive beast that would be his owner. The smaller turtle was yammering something but was shortly silenced by an errant kick by his master, careening him down the hall on his back, shell twirling.

Brian passed from the throne room into a room with a bridge full of lava. It was fairly thin, but thankfully he was small, sprinting to the other side as quickly as he could. A single step from Bowser rattled the bridge and sent Brian forward, practically into the soupy flames. Brian couldn't pass off of the bridge or through the massive dinosaur before him. Bowser growled and opened his maw to spew a gout of flame. Brian replied with an egg. It landed straight into the dinosaur's mouth and slipped into his windpipe.

Brian was almost relieved when the dinosaur went to grab for his throat. The creature backpedaled, trying to force the egg back up, but lost his footing, the bridge slipping from under him just as he hacked out the egg. The lava swallowed his angrily bellowing form and carried him off into the flow, his calls reverberating from the cavern walls. Brian would have praised providence were he still capable of intelligible speech.

Brian wandered back into the throne room, his little body shuffling across the carpeting easily. He glanced at the little blue robed turtle, his robes rather missing, his head spinning as he rest on the back of his shell. Brian's little crème colored soles bounced a little as he made his way between the statues, past the throne room. He noted a pair of doors that led on further. He pushed them open. Inside was a rather large, crude looking cage. A woman stat inside, her long blond tresses resting over a flowing pink dress. She had a jeweled broach, flowery lace at the edges of her silken gloves, a small crown resting what seemed to be dead center on her head.

"Oh, well hello, is it time to be moved again? It's perfectly alright, there's no need for manacles this time."

Brian blinked, glancing back to the throne room and then to the woman again.

"You are a minion of Lord Bowser are you not?"

Brian shook his head.

"Oh, well, then what are you doing here? This is a most dreadful place to be don't you know, I'm certainly not here by choice anyway."

Brian nodded in agreement, his eyes glancing about to the worn stones. He then wandered a little closer to her cage. He noted it wasn't terribly well locked.

"Oh? That thing? I could probably have it open easily, but what would the point be? It's really there to reinforce that Lord Bowser does have a very real hold on me. I would escape myself, but he just manages to capture me. I'm surprised he hasn't caught you, isn't he aware of your presence?"

Brian nodded.

"Well.. Then... Where is he?"

Brian gave a little shrug.

The woman glanced to the open door. "Did you defeat him?"

Brian gave another little shrug.

The woman reached into her dress and smacked the lock with a frying pan, easily shattering the mechanism before trotting out to the main throne room.

"He's gone! He must have been defeated then, but I can see no other likely source of his downfall... How did you do it?"

"Whaaaap wow?"

"Is that all you can say?"

Brian nodded.

"This is most unfortunate, but I am very grateful for your assistance, what is your name?"

"B-buh, Birdo, slayer of Buh-Bowser." The little turtle in the corner said.

"'Birdo?' Hmm, this sounds ill-suited to me, so inelegant, perhaps you would prefer another name... Maybe... Birdetta? Similar but far more fitting, wouldn't you say?"

Brian thought about it briefly, then gave a nod, his bow bobbing slightly behind his head.

"Most excellent! Birdetta it is then. I simply cannot thank you enough for your expedient rescue, I'm certain you have saved my kingdom much trouble. Is there a way I might repay your kindness? And please, coins are no object."

The newly dubbed Birdetta held his hands to his mouth, a blush forming quickly over his cheeks. He glanced over her dress. How often he'd considered something, maybe not as pink as hers, but certainly as lovely. He couldn't stop himself from feeling a soft end of her dress.

"Oooohhh, I see, you have an eye for fashion? I think I can arrange something, my lovely Birdetta. You shall be the most beautiful maiden in the Mushroom Kingdom if I might help it."

Birdetta blinked. Now that he considered it, he would much like that, or, well, he supposed 'she' would like it. It wasn't hard to think of herself as female, girly, womanly perhaps in an amusingly truncated way. She nodded, the happiness evident in her eyes.

"Birdetta! Mistress Birdetta!"

The little purple spotted toad stool trotted his way through the halls of Princess Peach's personal chateau. He wandered through several halls of similar toads working in the various stages of dress creation: from sheer night gowns to bright day dresses. The toad gave a short knock to a set of golden doors. There was a soft "Whap wow" from the other side. The toad allowed himself in, spying the mistress fanning herself as she observed the smiling sunshine. Birdetta was clad in a pastel purple sundress, her squat legs held ladylike, a matching bow easily identifying her hot-pink form.

"Mistress Birdetta, I do apologize for interrupting your-"

She gave a little hand wave. While she couldn't exactly smile, the toad knew when the mistress was in good spirits. Thankfully he'd rarely seen her in a sour mood.

"Of course miss. As of today we are ahead of schedule by several weeks, we should be able to ship the new line fairly shortly, with your discretion of course."

Birdetta gave a nod. She would have to consult the local tailors to see if they would be ready.

"Also, sir Yoshi has arrived on the premises. While he is currently busy-"

Birdetta gave a little puff much analogous to a gasp. She lept to her squishy little feet and sprinted to her wardrobe.

"Mistress! Do you need assistance with your attire?"

She gave an excited "Whooo!" Ever since the Princess' plumber had been frequenting the castle, Birdetta and his green mount had become quite close. The pair often mused in their own way about their nigh constant egg production, but also shared mutual loves for dress and tennis. Birdetta was sorting through several sets of clothes with barely a consideration for them. She often had trouble deciding what to wear for him.

She was drawing a pair of bright green dresses to herself for comparison, but she just couldn't seem to decide. That's when she felt a pair of soft hands on her shoulders. She blinked and then glanced back, greeted with a soft green snout.

"Yap-bum!"

"Whap wow!"

She threw her dresses back to their hooks and glanced to him in a shy way, the blush thick on her cheeks. Yoshi gave a little chuckle as he always does and gives her a soft hug. They were both quite bare, their smooth, squishy bodies entwined, save for Yoshi's nigh constant brown shoes and shell. It usually ended up this way, Yoshi surprising her as hot pink and bright green came together, the purple spotted toad taking the hint to leave. The door closed, and the sounds of affection and much egg laying resounded for many years to come.