Ander - Part 6: Subchapter 9
9
The road was eerily quiet. Normally it would be bustling with Foxes, but not now. Almost everyone was inside the town hall, and the only evidence that they had ever existed was the mashup of footprints leading to the entrance, and the only sounds to be heard was the rhythmic tapping of his blood dripping into the snow.
You said you'd protect them. You promised me you'd keep them safe. It was the last thing you ever told me...
Ander looked to the mountain, covered in blinding snow and contrasting shreds of black, towering above all creation like a set of monstrous teeth biting into the sky itself.
"You lied to me, Father..." he whispered, knowing he was being selfish, knowing he was being a brat, unable to stop himself. "You promised me, and your promise was law, and I promised everyone else, but your lie made me a liar, too..." He lowered his head, unable to look at that wall of stone any longer. "Why... Why did you have to die?"
The soft crunch of snow beneath her shoes and the even softer sound of her voice: "Andrew?"
He didn't realize just how close he had been to tears until he hastily tried to swallow them back. It was a close thing.
He turned around, and there she was, just as he knew she would be, with sadness in her eyes and her hands neatly folded.
"Sarah..."
"Let me see your hand."
"It's nothing. Only a scratch."
She didn't ask again. She simply came up to him and took his hand in both of hers, her touch feather light, and began to pick bloody fragments of glass from between his lacerated knuckles, dropping them to the snow one shard at a time.
While she worked, Ander tried to think of something to say, but everything he came up with sounded so overused and hollow in his head, nowhere close to what he really felt. But sometimes it's the simple words that need to be said, because they come the closest to what you really want to say, and right now, what Ander wanted to say most of all, what he wanted to know most of all... "Sarah... Are you okay?"
She didn't answer. She just kept picking glass out of his fur, her eyes on the task at hand.
"I'm sorry you had to find out like that," he blundered on. "I only learned of it myself an hour ago, but there was so much happening all at once, my brother was hurt, and then this meeting directly after. Everything moved so fast, all in a rush, and then Nilia... She didn't know -"
"You're doing it again, Andrew."
"Huh?"
Sarah looked up and gave him a warm smile. "You worry about everyone except yourself. It's part of what makes you you, and it's a part that I love. But, Andrew, it is not good to focus solely on the hearts of others. You'll only end up forsaking your own." She pulled a blue handkerchief from her pocket - the same one he had seen her use time and time again - and draped it over the back of his hand. A dark spot appeared in the centre and grew outwards, building like a storm cloud. "I loved Kadai dearly, and the news of his death did come as a shock, but I haven't seen him since the night you were born. He is just a happy memory to me, and a happy memory he will always remain. For me, nothing has changed. But for you..." She folded the corners beneath his palm and cinched them tight. "You knew him your whole life. To you, he wasn't just a memory, he was a father. A real father. So now, I am the one asking you..." She folded her hands over his and looked up at him with those direct eyes of hers, eyes that seemed to know and understand everything. "Andrew, are you okay?"
"I... don't know," Ander said truthfully. He's never been able to hide anything from Sarah, even back when they barely knew each other. It was like she always knew everything already, before he even had a chance to speak, like she was just waiting for him to be ready to let it out. "I never had time to... even think about it, really. I was so worried about my brother. I just kept praying he wouldn't die. You'd like him, I think. He's really..." A scalding tear leaked from his eye and ran down his cheek, and he wiped it away. "He told me, but it didn't seem real. I saw it in the eyes of the others, too, the way they avoided mine. I knew it had to be the truth, but it still didn't seem real. It's not that I refused to believe, it's just that it seemed impossible, like the sun shining in the middle of the night. It just didn't feel like he could really be dead... dead for months without me even knowing. I said my goodbye at the gate, knowing that I would probably never see him again, but there was always the possibility. There was always hope. But now..." Another tear ran down his face and he wiped it away, feeling angry at himself, angry at the world, angry at everything. The houses were starting to blur in his eyes, fusing with the snow into crystal prisms. "Now he's gone. He died without even knowing if I was alive. I think that's what bothers me the most. He put so much on the line for me, and he never got a chance to see what his sacrifices gave me. He died not knowing if it had actually meant something, or if it had all been for nothing."
"Oh, Andrew, don't say that. I'm sure he knew."
"How can you be sure?"
"It's the same way I knew you were safe when you were just a baby, and I handed you over to Kadai in the shadow of that beech tree. There's no way I could have known you'd be okay, or if you'd even live through the night, but I _did_know. I knew it the same way I knew the mountain would still be there the next morning. Sometimes the heart just knows things, and I knew you were alive and well, just as I know that Kadai knew his sacrifices were not in vain. He knew you were alive, and I know he was happy for you. All you need to do is ask your brother, and I'm sure he'll tell you the same." She wrapped her arms around him, and even though they were standing in the middle of an icy road, with empty houses looking on from both sides, it felt warm. "Just remember, no matter what happens, you'll always have a family, we'll always be there for you, and we'll always love you."
Ander returned her embrace, hugging her tightly. Scalding hot tears leaked from his eyes and fell to the snow, unnoticed. "I won't let anything happen to you," he said, his voice hitching in his throat. "I won't let anything happen to Kiana, or Bethany, or Rufio, or Layla, or Michael, or Hezzi, or Renna, or Nilia, or Danado, or Sorrin, or Mellah. I promise I won't let anything happen to anyone. Hell, even Mateo, if he doesn't bitch about it later..."
Sarah laughed. "That's a very big promise, Andrew. Maybe the biggest one you've made so far." She looked up at him, and Ander was once again struck by the feeling that she somehow knew exactly what he was feeling, and knew exactly what she needed to say. "I know your heart is heavy with grief. Your friends have had the time to process their feelings, but that is a luxury neither of us can afford right now. It is as you said. Our friends and families need us, now more than ever. They need us to be strong. But remember this, Andrew. Strength comes in countless forms. If you ever feel that your grief is too heavy, that the pain is simply too much to bear, you can come to me, and I will be there." She gave his bandaged hand a gentle pat. "That is my promise." She really was a marvel. She had gone through so much, and there was still so much more that surely lay ahead, untold pain and suffering that could strike at any hour, and yet, despite all that, she could still smile so warmly. "Now, if you're going to have any luck keeping such big promises, then don't you think it's time you got your tail back in there?" She winked. "Why don't you go show those elders what real smarts are all about?"
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