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16

Nilia was tired, probably more tired than she's ever been in her entire life. And cold. Nightfall had taken the chilly breeze and given it a good set of proper teeth, but that didn't matter. She felt good. Better than good. Not even this ridiculously steep hill Ander had chosen as his new home could wear her down. In fact, she actually liked it. They were only halfway up, but they had a wonderfully unobstructed view of the mountain from here, with golden spots of firelight shining through the trees as a testament to their hard work. They had laboured for as long as the sun had shone overhead, measuring the mouth of the pass at its widest and narrowest, drawing lines in the dirt, talking and planning until their voices went hoarse. Even after the sun had set behind the peaks they kept on going, working by torchlight, felling trees by the dozen. She didn't think much of the Foxes and their toy-like hatchets at first, but even the sturdiest of trees couldn't last long with four or five of them whacking away at the same time, each strike perfectly timed to synch with the rhythm of the others. There was an industriousness to their nature Nilia really admired, a sense of teamwork and camaraderie she never got from her fellow warriors. For the Wolves back home, simply not getting each other killed was considered teamwork enough. But these Foxes, the speed with which they worked was uncanny. They were only supposed to inspect the pass today, have a look around, then decide whether Ander's idea was even possible, but they did so much more. Not only did they gather all the required materials in a matter of hours, they actually started to put up the framework for what would become a giant, curving wall, connecting one side of the pass to the other, blocking the mouth completely.

Every log she had wedged in place and every lashing she had cinched tight had made her heart feel just a tiny bit lighter. Every nail and rope and tool was like an actual piece of hope she could hold in her hands, and she knew that the act of working on the wall had done just as much for her sense of wellbeing as the wall itself. But... it wasn't all rainbows and sunshine.

Ander was up ahead, leading the way. She could smell the sweat of a hard day's work on him, but there was something else, too. Something off, and she had noticed it from the very first moment they had begun to work on the wall. He had kept staring off at nothing, and he wouldn't react until you came right up and shouted in his ear, and he kept leaving little spots of blood all over the tools because he still had that nasty habit of digging his claws into his palms. It made her feel that maybe he didn't know exactly what he was doing. Or maybe he _did_know, and just didn't like it. That wouldn't surprise her. They were preparing to fight against their own people, after all, but doing a slipshod job wouldn't keep the deaths to a minimum, it would only increase the bloodshed.

Maybe she would have talked to him if it hadn't been for that Kiana vixen always sticking around like a wet fly, hovering back and forth between Ander's side and the pointless busy-jobs he kept throwing her way. There was something about her that really got under Nilia's skin. Her walk was too bouncy. Her claws were too well kept. Her hair was too soft and flowing. Her arms were too skinny. Everything about her just screamed that she had never worked a proper day in her life.

So, while precious refined Kiana had been busy prancing about fetching tools, Nilia had taken it upon herself to oversee the construction of a temporary camp for the workers. It was small at the moment, little more than a grid of Fox-sized tents with fire-pits every twenty strides or so, but it was perfectly functional, and Nilia was confident she could turn it into a proper base of operations by twilight tomorrow. All it really needed was some food, an easily accessible spot for the weapons (preferably near the entrance) and a corner to treat the wounded. Maybe Bethany-Kai could help with that. Most of the Foxes seemed a bit wishy-washy, but Beth knew what she was doing when it came to medicine, probably even more so than Shekka. The way Hezzi was running around was testament to that. He had pulled so far ahead they could barely see him against the snow. His new 'scarf' (as Bethany had called it) blew around his neck as if to mark his position.

"By the Cora, you guys are so slow!" he called. "I wanna see Ander's house!"

"Slow down, Hezzi!" Ander said. "If Beth finds out I let you climb all the way up here she'll skin me alive. Hezzi! Are you even listening? Hey!"

"See you slowpokes at the top!" And with that he sped up the zigzagging path, cutting corners at every turn, sometimes scrambling to the next level on all fours.

Ander ran a hand through his hair. "I think I understand why Bethany always got so cross with me every time I dodged her treatments."

Watching Hezzi's silhouette made Nilia feel warm inside. So much had happened, but she was glad. Being with his brother was making him revert to the way he was before everything fell to pieces, before his father died, before his own people branded him a traitor.

He was happy, and that made Ander happy, and that made her happy. Well, except for...

The Kiana vixen was still holding his hand, or rather, Ander's hand was engulfing hers. How could she do anything with such tiny little hands? It seemed all they were good for was groping and feeling and touching.

Nilia looked away, slightly disgusted with herself. What did it matter whose hand Ander chose to hold? Actually, come to think of it, he was probably just being nice. These Foxes were so touchy-feely she probably just latched onto him and he didn't have the heart to push her away. It's not like they were in an actual relationship, or anything. That would be absurd. That vixen was just an inappropriately clingy friend, no more. But even if she was something more, it wouldn't bother her. It was none of her business. And there was nothing there, anyway. But even if there was (which there wasn't, probably) it had nothing to do with her. So why was she still thinking about it?

Because they were being so damned obvious about it! It wasn't her fault she couldn't stop thinking about it if they kept throwing it in everyone's faces. Just look at them! She was practically hanging off him like a water skin! Constricting him like a creeper vine! Latching on like a tick! It was nauseating, really.

Not that it bothered her, or anything. Why would it? If Ander liked having some stringy bag of bones hanging on his arm then that was his problem, not hers.

Besides, that vixen wouldn't be staying around much longer. Nilia would have been fine just sleeping in the work camp, on the ground, but Ander had insisted his fellow Wolves all come up to his 'house' and spend the night there. His fellow Wolves. Because they didn't have a place to sleep. The Kiana vixen, however, did. She'd just have to toddle on home after the pleasantries were done.

Maybe then she'd finally get a chance to speak to Ander alone. She still wanted to thank him for saving her life, and... and maybe say some other things as well. Maybe ask him what life with the Foxes was like, if they were treating him well, if he was happy, things like that. Just a conversation. It's no big deal. She could walk up to him right now and ask those things if she wanted to. The reason she didn't was because there were so many people around, yap-yap-yapping all the time. Sorrin was lagging behind somewhere, panting like a bear in heat, muttering about how steep the hill was. Hezzi had the annoying tendency to pop up out of nowhere and derail any conversation before it really had a chance to get going. And then there were all the Foxes. So many Foxes! She remembered Wardo saying there was quite a number of them, but she didn't expect it to be like this. The entire time she was organising the camp they kept coming up to her and asking her the strangest things, like her favourite food and how tall she was. What did any of that have to do with anything!? And then there was that one crazy Fox that kept staring at her, just staring and staring. Apparently one kick to the nose wasn't enough for him. Even after her dramatic speech, you'd never think this was a people on the verge of war.

"We're almost there," Ander said, pulling Nilia back down to earth.

She shook her head and rubbed her eyes, perplexed by how unstable she's been as of late. Maybe it was just a lack of sleep, but ever since she came through the pass it felt like her thoughts were just flying all over the place, and she didn't like that one bit. She was a warrior. She was supposed to be disciplined, focussed. If she couldn't control her own mind then what good was she to anyone? But maybe she was being too hard on herself. Maybe things would make more sense in the morning, after she got a good night's rest. But not before speaking to Ander. She'd wait for the vixen to leave, then she'd take him aside. Just for a little chat, of course. Just the two of them. No vixen, no other Wolves, and definitely no gangs of Fo...

The first thing she saw upon cresting the hill was a gang of Foxes, standing around a large fire, talking and laughing. They noticed their approach and erupted into friendly cheers, beckoning them closer.

Nilia took a quick step back, instantly suspicious. What were all these Foxes doing up here? Were they lying in wait? That fire wasn't nearly as big as the one that had blazed at Ander's trial, but it evoked the same kinds of feelings. Hundreds of eyes staring in, faceless shadows thrown long across the frozen ground, stuttering in the dancing light of the flames.

"By the Cora, finally!" Sorrin huffed. "I could go for some food..."

Trust Sorrin to notice the smell of roasting venison before anything else. There were big chunks of it simmering on wooden spikes planted in the ground, similar to the way they sometimes prepared it back home. But how would the Foxes know of their ways?

She was just about to dismiss it as coincidence when she noticed the bandaged hand raised in greeting. Danado was sitting on a log by the fire, roasting a piece of meat of his own, and he wasn't the only familiar face. Renna and Mellah were with him, too. And Bethany-Kai and her second daughter, Layla.

Wait a minute...

Seeing Layla's face, smiling like a lunatic, triggered the memory of her saying something about a 'welcome' of sorts. Nilia had been in a hurry, so she didn't give it much thought at the time, but surely that crazy little bint couldn't have been serious?

Could she?

Ander and the others quickly merged with the crowd, and Nilia found herself desperately trying to keep track of them all, as if some part of her expected them to disappear if she didn't keep an eye on them. She knew she was being ridiculous, but she couldn't stop herself. So much laughter and cheer wasn't natural. Her only experience with a jubilant gathering like this was when there was a trial or a punishment. Or an execution. There had to be a single unfortunate soul caught in misery and torture to fuel the joy of everyone else. That was the way it always was, and although she never felt that way herself, it was what she grew up with. It was normal. This... whatever this was... was not. There was no pain here, no strife, no anguish to balance out the cheer. Everywhere she looked, she saw Foxes talking to each other, laughing and sharing food, beckoning her over, calling her name. They seemed happy just to be with each other, sharing the warmth of the fire with strangers.

It frightened her. It reminded her of how much she didn't belong in this world.

"Hey, Nilia!" Hezzi called to her from the fireside, waving his arm in the air. "What are you standing over there for? There's free food!"

He was fitting in already. It didn't really come as a surprise to her. He was a lot like Ander. The same was true for Renna, Mellah, and even Sorrin. They weren't scared at all. After only a single day, they were already finding a happiness here that never could have existed back home.

They weren't afraid of how much they could hurt these people just by being here...

Nilia took another step back. This was all too much, and every second she kept looking at this gathering she just noticed more and more things that stabbed her right in the heart.

Ander's house was a blocky construction of wood, almost identical to the ones she had seen in town, except for one detail. It was bracketed by four tents, two to each side. They weren't the small, temporary tents of canvas and rope that had been erected near the pass, but large, proper tents made of sturdy frames and animal skins. Those were Wolf tents.

Danado and Mellah couldn't have built those on their own in such a short amount of time, which meant...

No, it couldn't be. The tents, the gathering, the food... Were they actually...?

Layla came up to her, her face half-concealed by a huge armful of skins, clothes, blankets, water pouches, and strings of preserved meats.

"Miss Nilia?" She peeked out from behind her mountain of provisions, struggling to keep her balance. "These are for you."

Nilia took another step back, her hands held up in defence. If she retreated any further she might end up tumbling all the way back down the hill. "I have no need, thank you."

"Er, Miss Nilia? I don't mean to rush you or anything, but this is getting awfully heavy..."

Seeing the strain on her face, Nilia took the provisions only because it would be a crime to let it all spill to the ground.

Layla cracked her back and smiled from ear to ear. "Wooah, that's a load off. Well then, Miss Nilia, we'll be sure to see you around, okay?"

She started back towards the fire, and Nilia was so stunned by what had just happened she almost couldn't find her voice. "H-Hey! Wait!"

She turned back with a swish of her exceptionally poofy tail. "Hmm?"

"You don't understand." Nilia held the provisions out to her. "I don't have anything to trade for this."

The vixen laughed. "Oh no, Miss Nilia, you don't understand. That's not for trade, it's a gift."

"A gift?"

"Of course."

"You don't expect anything in return? You're just giving this to me?"

"It's not just me. Lots of Foxes were happy to chip in once they found out you came here with naught but the clothes on your back. Look." She pointed towards the fire, at another Fox passing a giant pile of blankets and food over to Sorrin. There was yet another trying to do the same for Hezzi, but Bethany-Kai was there, too, shouting at him not to dare lift anything in his condition.

"Why?" It felt rude to ask such a thing, but Nilia couldn't stop herself. It just didn't make any sense that these Foxes would do something like this for perfect strangers who had done nothing but bring war to their gates.

"Why?" Layla put a finger against her chin and seemed to give her question some serious thought. "Because you need to sleep somewhere, don't you? The logical answer was with Ander, but honestly, his body might be big but his house is so tiny! I just couldn't bear the thought of you all crammed together in there, sleeping on the floor like a bunch of animals, good gods! So I thought to myself: 'Self, what can we do to welcome our new guests proper? Make them really feel at home? Put big smiles on their faces?' I was still pondering on it when Danado suggested a 'Welcome to the Valley/Housewarming Parteeeeee!!' Hee!" She did a little hop, her bushy tail sweeping from side to side. "I don't think he was being serious, but that's no reason to drop such an excellent idea, so I gathered some of the neighbours and we borrowed your friends over there, Miss Mellah and Danado and little Renna. Eee, she's so cute, that one! Mother wasn't at all keen to let them out of her sight, of course, so she insisted on coming with, not that any of us minded. Mother is better than three pack mules, but don't you dare tell her I said that!"

Nilia stood there, her mouth hanging open, listening to this barrage of words smacking her in the face. Did this girl not realize how unnatural this was? Did she not understand that giving something away for no gain flew in the face of every natural law? Did she not know behaviour like this would only hurt her and her people in the long run? Did she not understand that the simple act of standing there, talking to a monster that could rip out her throat with a single bite, was tantamount to lunacy?

These people are too friendly. It's not right. What did we do to deserve treatment like this? It isn't right!

"Missus Mellah and the others were a huge help, of course," Layla went on. "I bet there's loads of stuff we got wrong, but at least you guys will have a warm place to sleep until we can get you settled in with a more permanent arrangement. And hell, if they really do blow down around your heads, Ander's house is right next door, so it should be fine..."

Permanent arrangement? Did she really just say permanent arrangement?

"...and hey! It'll sound a lot less silly calling this place 'Wolf Hill' now that we got more than one Wolf up here, right? We could only finish four, unfortunately, but Missus Mellah said she and her husband and the little girl would be fine sharing, so it all works out. I only hope yours is big enough, though. We sent Peter to ask for your measurements, but the boy does tend to be a bit scatterbrained at the best of times. Came back with his numbers all muddled up!"

"But... this is-"

"Word of our little project got around, of course. It always does in this tiny little town. Before I knew it our little welcoming committee had grown to what you see here. We got everything all set up while you and the menfolk were off grunting in the woods, see? We grew Ander's little camp fire nice and big there, we got some meat on the spit, just like Missus Mellah instructed, although when she said some of you prefer your meat raw that was just... Eeuurreuergh!" She grabbed her shoulders and shivered in place. "No offense, of course. It's just the idea of eating raw meat does nothing to tickle my appetite. You know this one time -"

"That doesn't answer my question!" Nilia said, perhaps a bit louder than was deserved. "You do all of this, but why? It can't be just because you're nice. Nobody's that nice. Nice people like that end up dead."

"Really?" Layla tilted her head, first one way, then the other, scrutinizing her like an owl. "You seem fairly nice, and you're not dead."

"I very nearly did die. And I'm not nice. At least not in the make-believe way you Foxes seem to think of it."

"No? But you've been working so hard to help shore up the defences. Is that not nice?"

"No! I could just be trying to save my own skin as well as yours! You have no way of knowing for sure!"

Layla actually giggled. "You're funny, Miss Nilia. Trying to act like you're some fairy-tale monster come to gobble up our babies when you're actually one of the most selfless people to ever set foot in this valley."

"Selfless? Where did you hear that?"

Layla leaned in close and lowered her voice, as if to impart a great secret. "Renna and the others spoke very highly of you while you were away. They told us the whole story, about how you risked your life a hundred times over, how you saved all their lives with your bravery. They called you a hero, Miss Nilia, and I have no reason to doubt their words. They wouldn't be alive to say it otherwise, and if that's not nice, then I don't know what is."

Nilia was rooted to the spot, absolutely speechless. Was this little Fox really speaking the truth? Did they really see her as a hero? She couldn't think of any joke crueller than that. Her whole life, she's never been able to protect anyone. Her own parents had died because she was such a selfish little weakling. Even in adulthood she was powerless to do anything for Chieftain Kadai, the one Wolf who had put his faith in her. Even Ander... he was alive and laughing just a few strides away, but for two months she had believed he had died because she was too weak to save him, and she still carried that guilt with her every second of every day. Hezzi... that brave little fool definitely would have died because of her. The only reason he was still with them, gnawing on a piece of roasted deer rib, was because of Bethany-Kai. She was the real hero, not...

The sting. That shameful, forbidden sting in her eyes and throat. She couldn't let this go any further. She was Nilia. She was the only Wolf ever to name herself, and she gave herself that name as a reminder to never... ever...

"I'm sorry I was so rude, Layla," she said, clutching the blankets so tightly her claws were on the verge of cutting right through them. "I'm just not used to the way things are done here."

"Oh that's perfectly fine, Miss Nilia. Ander took a while to get settled, too, but now look at him. Happy as a lark. You can take all that and put it in your tent, if you want. It's the one on the far right."

"Right, thank you."

"I should get going, but I hope to see more of you before the night is through. And if you have any questions, anything at all, don't hesitate to ask."

"I won't."

"Well then." She pinched her dress between her fingers and did an odd little bendy manoeuvre with her knees. "See you around."

Nilia watched her make her way back to the little gathering of Wolves and Foxes, bathed in the glow of the fire. All of them were laughing and singing, talking and making merry, passing food and drink from hand to hand. All of this... was to welcome them?

Nilia looked down at the bundle in her arms, feeling like she was caught in the most bizarre dream of her life. She simply didn't understand how a stranger could give so freely, expecting nothing in return. And it wasn't just Layla. This gift had come from many different families, from Foxes she didn't even know the names of.

The walk to the tent was a short one, but it felt much longer, making this world seem even more like a dream. Her shadow grew across the skins with every step, bordered by the golden glow of the fire at her back.

She lifted the flap and stepped inside.

"Oh..."

It was almost identical to her tent back home. The supports were hard and strong and barely moved when she nudged them. The walls were nice and thick, made from multiple layers of animal skins to keep the cold out. The floor, however, was where the Foxes made a few architectural alterations. Back home, the floors were usually lined with skins or simply left open to the ground, but here was a layer of flat wooden planks stuck together, side by side. And in the middle was a small fire pit lined with stones. She looked up and saw a smoke hole where the support poles came together, topped with a little conical cap with a string dangling down. You could pull it down and tie it to one of the supports to keep out the rain and the snow, or leave it open and build a little fire right in the comfort of your own home...

"This is..." Nilia didn't like the shakiness in her voice or the blurriness around the edges of her vision, but it was getting harder and harder to keep it under control.

Next to the fire pit was a huge, fluffy, brown bear pelt. Back home, she'd had to fight and kill her own bear to get a pelt like that. She had to risk her life for the warmth it provided. And yet someone... some stranger... had simply given her a whole bear pelt? As a gift? Someone who hadn't even stuck around to hear a thank you?

Her arms went limp and the bundle of provisions tumbled onto the floor, spilling blankets and skins everywhere.

On top of the bear pelt, on a little wooden plate, was a plucked quail.

What's your favourite food, Miss Nilia?

What does that matter? Can't you see I'm working?

I'm aware of that, but what's your favourite food?

Quail. Now please, I need to concentrate...

Nilia dropped down to her knees and covered her mouth. She breathed slowly, forcing air through her shaking fingers.

Don't do it. Don't do it. You haven't cried at all since that night. Don't do it now.

She didn't know long she sat there. Long enough for her knees to start aching, at any rate. She gathered up the supplies and arranged them neatly along the edges of the tent, where they wouldn't be in the way.

"All right... I can do this. Why am I even so shaky? There's nothing wrong going on here. Nothing dangerous. I just... Dammit..."

She's done it a thousand times before. Every time it seemed like too much, every time her feelings tried to bubble up to the surface, she pushed them down with sheer, brute force of will. Only...

It was getting harder and harder to do so. Normally she'd just close her eyes for a second and everything would go back to normal. She'd feel nothing, and that was good. She'd think nothing of what was going on around her, and that was good. After years and years of growing stone over her heart, she had gotten it to the point where she could ignore the hatred and the scorn, and that was good. She could walk the paths with her head held high, not feeling their cold stares at all, and that was good.

Feeling absolutely nothing... it was good.

But now... she wasn't prepared for something like this. Her only defence, the layer of stone around her heart and soul, her shield against this cruel, hate-filled world...

Why?

Why did it hurt so much?

She wanted to push the pain away, deep, deep down with the rest of all those useless, dangerous feelings, but that only made it worse. She clutched at her chest, her eyes shut tight, her fangs grinding against each other, and held her breath out of fear for screaming at the top of her lungs.

Do it. Push it down. I don't care if you have to break yourself in half, just do it!

I can't. I can't do this anymore! I don't want to do this anymore! I don't want to be this way!

You have to be! If you're not strong, those around you will suffer for it. If you cry, the ones you love will die!

But it's not like that here.

It doesn't matter if you're here or there. Every place is exactly the same. The strong survive, the weak perish. That's just the way it is. Don't be weak.

Ander's not weak. He shows his tears without shame. Hezzi, too. Even Chieftain Kadai. They all -

They're all counting on you to be strong! Do you think any of them will make it through this alive if you shed even a single tear?

I just... I don't want to be alone anymore. I don't want to keep pushing everyone away. This place... I don't think I can do it anymore. It hurts too much...

YOU ARE NILIA!! Have you forgotten what that means!?

Nilia opened her mouth... and let the pent up air rush out between her lips. She breathed slowly and waited for her heartbeat to return to normal. Finally, she opened her eyes and wiped the sweaty hair off her forehead. She felt better now. More in control. She almost let her emotions run away with her, but they're back where they belong now. Deep down, out of sight, where they could never hurt anyone ever again.

Never.

She got up and brushed the dust off her knees. She would go outside like everything was perfectly fine, because it was. She would sit by the fire, have a bite to eat, make polite conversation with anyone who approached her, and then excuse herself. It has been a very long day and she hasn't had much opportunity to rest. They would understand. It was all fine. It was all good.

Maybe things would seem less crazy in the morning.

She gave herself a light slap in the face and stepped outside into the chilly breeze. Hezzi and Renna were sitting by the fire, sharing a rib. Somehow Renna had managed to keep her face pristine while Hezzi's was an absolute mess. Kiana was still hanging onto Ander's arm, and Ander was talking to Mellah and Sorrin. Danado...

Wait, where was Danado?

She scanned the crowd, but couldn't find him. Did he go to bed early? She wouldn't blame him if he did. Being awake must be torture for him, and not just because of his fingers and toes.

She approached the tent next to hers, reaching for the flap, but stopped at the last second. What was she going to do if he was in there? What was she going to say? If it was her, she'd just want to be left alone.

"Right..." She whispered it so softly she could barely hear it herself. "Alone..."

She took a deep breath and faced the fire, the Foxes, the food, the merriment. She could do this. She knew she could do this. There was no reason to be afraid.

Ander was standing head and shoulders above everyone else, his smiling face illuminated by the dancing flames. He saw her looking and waved her over, inviting her to come share in the joy he had fought so hard for.

Nilia smiled back as best she could, fighting against the growing fear inside her heart. Taking that first step towards happiness was every bit as frightening as her first step away from the terror of her old life, but deep down inside, she knew the truth.

It was not the Foxes or this valley or even Ander she was afraid of. It was the things they were making her feel on the inside, and the prospect of losing it all because she wasn't strong enough to protect them.

---

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