Ander - Part 6: Subchapter 18
18
Ander thought he would've gotten used to this feeling by now, this sensation that he was living in two worlds at the same time. He was both Wolf and Fox. He was both a son of Shekka and a son of Sarah. He was both a brother of Hezzi and a brother of Banno. His present was in Grovenglen, but his past was beyond the mountain, with his people. And now, that past was coming to claim his future, to destroy him and all that he loved.
Which part of him was going to stop them? His Fox half, or his Wolf half? Was there really even a difference? Were the two halves separate, constantly vying for control, or were they so closely intertwined inside his soul that they were practically one and the same?
The wall he had drawn in the snow, the wall that was being constructed this very moment to cut off the pass, where did that come from?
If only it really was just a wall...
Maybe it won't come to that. Wardo is a coward. Once he realizes the situation he's in, he'll have no choice but to retreat.
What if he comes back in the summer?
The plan will still work. It might be even more dangerous without the snow.
Only if he's stupid enough to go through the pass again. What if he decides to go the long way around instead? You have no choice but to end it the first time. If you let them get away, all will be lost. Grovenglen will fall, and it will be your fault. Showing mercy to an enemy is meaningless if that mercy condemns the ones you love.
I can't murder hundreds of Wolves. I just can't.
If you don't, you'll end up murdering thousands of Foxes instead.
Why must this fall on me? Why do I have to make this choice?
Be grateful you get to choose at all. Most never receive such a privilege.
But I can't.
Not choosing is a choice as well. One half must die.
There has to be another way.
One half must die.
Maybe there can be peace? Maybe, if we can just -
You have no choice. You must choose. One half must die. Wolf or Fox?
I can't...
Wolf or Fox?
I can't!
Ander, or Andrew?
An -
"-der? Ander, are you all right?" Kiana shook him lightly by the arm, pulling him back from his thoughts. "Or did you go skipping off to dreamland again?"
Ander looked around, slightly disoriented. He was sitting by the fire with Kiana by his side. She had a smile on her face, but concern in her eyes.
He knew what that voice was. The first time he heard it, it had taken on the form of his older brother, the murderer, the animal, the Flavour of Death: Banno. He was afraid of it, and rightfully so. It was the selfish, ruthless part of him that would commit any sin, spill any amount of blood, and fight to the very death to safeguard what he held dear. It was the part of him that would sooner see every enemy burn than allow them to set foot in this valley. It was the part of him that would bite down and never let go. It was his Wolf half, and although it frightened him deeply, it was also the part of him that always spoke the truth. He had no choice but to choose, and no matter the choice, hundreds would die by his hand.
If only there was another way...
"Ander?"
"I was just thinking, that's all."
"You do that a lot."
"There's a lot to think about."
"Can't argue with that," she agreed. "But it's not all bad. Just look at how well everyone is getting along."
She was right. He didn't expect it to happen so quickly, but the Wolven refugees had taken to the valley like fish to water, and seeing them all together, safe and happy, did a great deal to lift Ander's spirits. Sorrin was much more cheerful and talkative without a roof looming over his head, which he seemed to consider unsafe (a topic he and Rufio were debating with many creative hand gestures) and Mellah was already making friends with some of the older vixens, who apparently found her garb quite fascinating. Nilia and Mateo have been chatting for the better part of an hour, which was a bit strange, but it didn't really worry Ander all that much. If Mateo did anything... well, Mateo-ish, Nilia could take care of herself, and by 'take care of herself' he meant she wouldn't hesitate to pound him into the ground, which was perfectly fine by him.
Danado, on the other hand, was a more genuine concern. He had retired early, without even a single bite to eat, and was now sleeping alone in his tent, quite possibly for the first time in his entire life. Ander knew how painful such loneliness could be, but at the same time he knew that being alone was probably what he wanted the most right now, at least for a little while.
"Hey, Ander, you're doing it again." Kiana gave him a mischievous little poke. "Care to share your latest broodings?"
"I was just wondering if everyone will be okay. These Wolves have been through so much. They carry so many wounds, and I don't know if all of them will heal."
"Your wounds seem to be healing just fine."
"I'm not talking about physical wounds, Kiana."
"Neither am I. That's one of yours right there, isn't it?" She pointed to the one sitting on the other side of the fire, his little brother, Hezzi. He was smiling so broadly it was visible even through the dancing flames.
"See how well he's doing?" Kiana said. "See how happy he is to be back with his big brother? That's something for you to be happy about, isn't it?"
She was right again. For far too long his little brother's memory had been a wound in his soul instead of the source of happiness it was meant to be.
It was good to see him smile.
"Ooh! Wait here, I'll be right back!" Kiana jumped up from her seat without any explanation and ran towards the house with her dress bundled up around her knees, trying her best to get through the snow as fast as possible.
"Um, okay?" Ander called after her, not quite sure what she was up to. Well, stranger things have happened today.
He turned back to the fire, content to just sit back and watch the countless interactions unfolding all around him. Tomorrow would be a day full of hard work and even harder decisions, so for tonight it felt good to be still and rest for a little while.
It would seem Hezzi had taken quite a liking to Fox cuisine, and was on a mission to sample a little bit of everything. Chicken, lamb, pork, beef, none of it stood a chance before the hungry little Wolf, and Renna wasn't having any luck reigning him in. "Slow it down, Hezzi!" she said, slightly frantic. "We didn't kill any of these! Inhaling it all is terribly rude!"
"But it's so good, Renna! Here, have one of these."
"No, I'm fine, really."
"Come on! Just a little bite."
"I'm not hungry." As if on cue, her stomach rumbled like an angry bear, a feat made even more spectacular by her diminutive size. "Not much, I mean."
"You haven't eaten anything since... when even? Yesterday?"
She drew a little circle in the dirt with her foot. "Day before yesterday."
"How are you still standing!?"
"I've gone longer without foo-" Hezzi took advantage of that particular syllable by popping a strip of bacon into her mouth. "Heshiii!" She had to bite down to keep it from falling to the ground, and now there was a long piece of meat flapping against her chin. "Wha ar yoo ooing!?"
"Getting some food in before you pass out. Tasty, right?"
She pushed the dangly bit into her mouth, chewed, and swallowed. "Oh wow, that is good. But you got juice all over my chin! I look like a -"
Hezzi leaned in and gave her a quick lick across the chin, a move that made Ander's eyes go wide, but not nearly as wide as Renna's.
"Hezzi!" She covered her mouth and looked around, embarrassed.
"What?"
"Don't do stuff like that where everyone can see!"
"But it's fine if I do stuff like that where nobody can see, is what you're saying?"
"Yes! I mean no! I mean -"
Hezzi burst out laughing. It was the same kind of laugh that had occasionally rung throughout the village to brighten the darker days of the past, so unabashed and carefree. It was the sound of the old Hezzi.
Renna managed to maintain her façade of indignity for about a second before her own giggles started to slip through the cracks, and then she was laughing almost as hard as Hezzi, doubled over and holding her stomach, tears spilling from the corners of her eyes.
And wherever merriment was to be found in abundance, the twins were sure to follow.
"My gods, did you see that move, dear brother!?" Nicholas exclaimed.
"I most certainly did, brother!" Bartholomew replied.
"Such cunning!"
"Such guile!"
"Such shrewd lasciviousness!"
"Such salacious licentiousness!"
"Genius!"
"Inspired!"
Despite being rather unsteady on their feet, they vaulted over the back of the log and plopped down beside the pair of wide-eyed Wolves like a set of acrobatic bookends. Each of them seized a Wolf by the hand and gave it a vigorous pump.
"Bartholomew, son of Lonin, at your service!"
"Nicholas, son of Lonin, at your service! But feel free to call me Nick. Everybody does."
"Er..." Hezzi looked to Ander for guidance, but Ander was having a difficult time not bursting out in gales of laughter himself. "I am Hezzi, son of Kadai."
"You're Ander's brother, right?"
"That's right."
"Oy! Ander!" They were only a few strides apart, and yet he still found it necessary to yell. "How come you never told us you had such a prodigy for a little bro!?"
Ander shrugged. "He never showed any such signs back home. He was always more interested in running after deer than girls."
Nicholas gasped dramatically and clapped his hands over Hezzi's ears. "Heed not the words of this uncultured buffoon, young Hezzi, for true genius is never recognised in one's home town!"
"Huh?"
Nick put his arm around Hezzi's shoulders and gazed up at the stars as if divining the secrets of the gods themselves. He raised his fist to the moon and proclaimed: "Your technique for stealing sloppy kisses from damsels fair is most sly! I shall add it to my itinerary of lewd stratagems for lecherous debauchery forthwith!"
Hezzi looked at Nicholas, then at Bartholomew, then back at Nicholas again. He raised an eyebrow and repeated his previous interjection. "Huh?"
The twins burst out laughing and thumped him on the back. "You're all right, Hezzi!"
Hezzi seemed confused, but pleased, and broke out in a wide grin.
That's when Ander felt Kiana's arms close around his chest, her chin rest against his shoulder, and the soft fur of her fluffy cheek rub against his neck.
"Hey," she whispered in his ear.
"Hey, where've you been?"
"Oh, I was just getting these." She held up her hands, and Ander noticed the two items she had brought back with her. "I think you know what to do with them now."
Ander took them, feeling the rough, wooden texture pass from her warm fingers to his. He expected his hands to shake and his heart to tremble at their touch, but all was steady. He felt calm, because she was right yet again. He did know what to do. He knew exactly what to do.
It was his whittling knife and the unfinished carving of the little brother he thought he'd never see again, and it was about time he finally finished it.
The orange glow of the firelight spilled across the wood, illuminating every hew and cut, every scratch and ridge, each of them counterbalanced by a pulsing shadow on the other side. The face used to be smooth and blank, but not anymore. He could see every detail. It's been there all along, just hidden.
He placed the tip of the knife against the wood, took a deep breath, and got to work.
The first thing he did was to draw four shallow scratches across the face from forehead to muzzle. Scars were always a source of pride for Wolves, a symbol of honour and bravery. Hezzi earned his by fighting to defend his people, and although it didn't work out quite the way he intended, it was his actions that set everything in motion. He didn't merely fight against Dorin for the position of power he represented, he fought against the mental shackles that bound his friends to a life of misery. He fought to set them free, and for that, if nothing else, he deserved to be proud of his scars.
Ander glanced up at Hezzi, still talking and laughing with Renna and the twins, then immediately focussed his attention back on the carving in his hands. He didn't know it, but he had stuck out his tongue in concentration again, a sign Kiana had been watching and waiting for. She clasped her hands together as if in prayer, silently urging him to do his best.
Next up were the eyes. Happy and energetic, but thoughtful and caring at the same time. Only yesterday it had felt like the memory of those eyes had left him forever, that he would never be able to envision them in his mind again, let alone carve them into a lifeless hunk of wood in such a way as to accurately represent their boundless spirit, but now he could see them as clear as day, waiting to come out. He carved away the superfluous layers of wood, occasionally blowing the dust off the tip of his knife.
Kiana touched his knee, letting him know she was right beside him, giving him her support.
The next part would be the hardest. He glanced up at Hezzi's face one last time, taking in all the details: the way his lips moved when he talked, the way his teeth showed when he laughed, and the way the corners of his mouth crinkled when he smiled.
Ander closed his eyes, waited for the faint afterimages of the flames to disappear from the darkness behind his eyelids, and when he opened them again, he knew what he had to do. He could see it as if he had already carved it out.
He put steel to wood, cutting out every tiny sliver that didn't belong, working faster and faster, completely caught up in his work, until the cuts and lines started to come together. He made one final scratch, wiped away the dust, and looked down at what he had created.
It was finished. The little carving that had haunted him every time he tried to enjoy his new life to the fullest, the manifestation of a promise he thought he'd never be able to keep...
It was finished.
The little wooden Hezzi in his hands was looking back as if in thanks, finally able to see the world for the first time, and he was smiling. It wasn't a huge smile or a smile that showed off any teeth. It was a small smile. A gentle smile. The smile of his little brother.
Kiana nestled up against him and rested her head against his shoulder. "Told you so."
Give him a smile, Ander. I know it's the right answer.
"You were right again, Kiana. Just like always."
"Heh, I wish." She gave him a quick hug and a peck on the cheek. "Now comes the best part."
Ander gave her a wink and tucked the carving away between their bodies, out of sight. "Hey, Hezzi, come over here for a second. I want to talk to you."
Hezzi's ears perked up at the sound of his name, but he seemed reluctant to leave Renna's side.
"Go forth, young wanderer," Nicholas said, sweeping his arm across the heavens. "Rest assured that we shall protect this lovely damsel in your absence!"
"No villain shall lay a finger upon her!" Bartholomew added and put his hand right on top of her head, making her jump.
"Er..." Hezzi didn't seem all that convinced. "Are you going to be okay, Renna?"
She smiled as Bartholomew ruffled her hair, making her ears wibble wobble from side to side. "For crying out loud, Hezzi, it's only a few strides. I'll be fine."
"Well... okay."
"And if either of these Foxes try anything weird, I'll just bite out their windpipes."
"Whooaaakay, then..." Bart leaned away and pulled both his hands back, holding them up as if in surrender while Renna smiled and happily munched on a sausage, her tail wagging behind her.
Evidently satisfied with the state of events, Hezzi walked around the fire and sat down next to Ander. "Yeah?"
Ander gave him a little poke with his elbow. "So...?"
"So... what?"
Ander elbowed him again. "So, you and Renna, huh?"
"Oh." Hezzi bit his lip and looked away, suddenly embarrassed. "Well, you know."
"Oh?" Ander poked him again. "You two seem awful close."
"Well, it is what it is."
"And what exactly is this 'it' that it is, pray tell?"
"Well, it - You know!"
Ander laughed and ruffled Hezzi's hair, making it look like a great big rat's nest, and after multiple failed attempts at putting on a grumpy face, his little brother joined in, sniggering as he tried to tidy it up again. It's only been a few months since they last saw each other, but being able to tease Hezzi about girls was a special kind of pleasure Ander had almost given up on. It was a simple thing, but it was a wonderful thing. "She's a really nice girl, Hezzi. It's good that you're looking out for her."
"Yeah." He wound his hands together and looked down at his feet. "She's had it really rough the last couple days."
"And you didn't? Beth says you almost died."
He shook his head. "Nah. Bethany-Kai is just being thorough, I think. Renna's the one who really needs healing. Not that she'd ever ask, of course. So I guess that's my job now."
"Why does she need healing?"
Hezzi looked up at him with those silvery eyes of his, all serious, perhaps wondering if it was okay to tell such secrets. He sighed and said, "She and her mother didn't part well. I don't know the whole story, but I think Aisa actually told her to leave and never come back. She basically threw her away."
A short, bitter stab of pain shot through Ander's heart at those words, mirrored in the real word by the way Kiana's fingers briefly squeezed down on his knee.
On the other side of the fire, Nicholas was holding Renna's mouth open and Bartholomew was inspecting her teeth, checking to see if they really were capable of ripping out a windpipe, all while Renna rolled her eyes and sighed like a longsuffering mother accommodating a pair of mischievous little children.
"She seems happy enough."
"That's because she's brave," Hezzi said. "She doesn't look like it, or act like it, but she is."
"That's true," Ander said, thinking of the time she jumped in and chomped down on Wardo's leg. He'd be dead if it weren't for her. "She'll be the one I carve next."
Hezzi's ear twitched. "What?"
"Hey, remember that promise I made? The one right before we said goodbye?"
Hezzi looked confused for a second, then his eyes brightened. "Wait, did you...?"
Ander turned to retrieve the carving he had stashed away, but Kiana was already holding it out to him, smiling from ear to ear. He took it in his hands, feeling nothing but gratitude for this vixen who had known from the very start that this carving would end up wearing a smile.
He turned back to face his little brother. He had more scars than before, and he seemed to have aged more than the two months that had separated them, but it was still Hezzi. It was still his little brother.
He opened his hands, revealing the little carving that had gone from a symbol of guilt to one of joy in a matter of minutes. "This is for you, Hezzi."
Hezzi's breath hitched in his throat and he bit down on his lip, hard. He reached for it with trembling fingers, the light of the fire reflected in his silvery eyes as twin shots of orange, curving with the shape of his iris.
Ander put it in his hand and, as they held it together, he smiled and said, "I hope you like it."
Hezzi took it and looked down at it for what seemed like a very, very long time, holding it in his open palms the way you'd hold something incredibly fragile, like an egg. He ran his finger across the little wooden face, tracing the scratches that represented his latest scars before finally coming to rest on the curvature of the smile.
"When you said-" Hezzi sniffed and took a slow, shuddering breath, fighting to maintain his composure long enough to say what he so desperately needed to say. "When you said you'd make me a new one... I knew you would do it. I knew it because you said so, and that was always more than enough for me, because you always seemed to know everything, and you'd always be right about everything. All those times everyone kept telling me that you were dead, that you had bled to death and you were rotting in the woods somewhere, it didn't bother me at all." He sniffed and used his new scarf to wipe his nose. "Sure, it made me sad to hear them say that stuff, because it reminded me that you weren't around anymore, but it never bothered me because I knew it wasn't true. I knew it because you promised me you were going to make me a new carving to replace the one I broke, and you can't do that if you're dead, and you can't be dead because you promised._And you've never broken a promise you made to me. Never once. _That's how I knew..." He couldn't keep it back anymore. The dam broke and the tears burst out of him, tearing through his body in violent convulsions.
Ander pulled him in close and hugged him tight, feeling the warmth of his tears slowly dripping onto his shoulder, and Hezzi hugged him back, clutching the carving inside his fist.
Such a display of affection would have been met with scorn back home. Tears of any kind were a dishonour upon your entire family. First they would throw insults, and then they would throw rocks. Any Wolf caught crying in public was weak and feeble and deserved no less than to be ground into the dust until their tears either dried up or turned to blood.
But that wicked place wasn't their home anymore. Grovenglen was, and in Grovenglen tears weren't a sin, and family wasn't limited to those of shared blood.
Bethany was having a tough time keeping her own tears at bay. Seeing her struggle, Sarah passed her a handkerchief and Bethany took it with a mumble of thanks. She delicately dabbed at her eyes with it and then blew her nose with a mighty honk. Rufio was standing by her side with an arm around her shoulders, contentedly puffing away on his pipe with a jaunty little smile just visible through the plume of smoke.
He had so many friends and family now. Sarah and Michael, Bethany and Rufio, Layla and Kiana, the twins, hundreds of others that would take too long to list and hundreds more he hadn't even met yet. They had opened their hearts and their homes to a group of strangers without thinking about it twice.
Have you decided yet, Ander? It's not a hard choice to make. You can either kill hundreds of monsters, or let them murder thousands of your friends and family. It all comes down to kill, or be killed. Murder, or be murdered.
You're wrong, Ander thought, tears slowly flowing from his eyes as he held his little brother tight. It should be an easy choice, but it's not. Even when I know the right answer, I can't go through with it. I just can't...
"Thank you, Ander," Hezzi whispered. "Thank you for keeping your promise."
Ander smiled. "And thank you for holding me to it."
Oh, Ander, when will you learn? You're a Wolf. You've killed before, and to protect the ones you love, you will kill again, even if it means you have to do it a hundred times over. It's in your blood, and that is no lie...
The moment they drew away from each other the twins burst into boisterous applause.
"Bravo!"
"Such a heart-warming display of brotherly love!" Bartholomew poked his brother in the ribs. "Oy, Nicky, how come you never hug me like that anymore?"
"Because you're perfectly healthy, you toff. Try knocking on Death's door a couple times and we'll see if my hugs become any more amicable."
"So I have to literally be on the verge of death just to get a hug from my own twin brother? Wow, that is cold, Nicky. I think I might be knocking on Death's door right now as a result of hypothermia due to the frigid wind blowing in from your frozen heart. Goodbye, cruel world!"
"Good riddance, I say. Now nothing stands between me and the favour of the lovely Miss Nilia."
"Over my dead body!"
While everyone laughed at the twins' latest antic, Ander felt a light tap on his shoulder. It was Kiana. "Ander?"
"Yes?"
"Could I..." She fidgeted and straightened out the wrinkles in her dress, not quite meeting his eye.
"Kiana? Is there something wrong?"
She shook her head. "No. I mean... I don't know. Maybe. Can I talk to you for a little while? In private."
"Kiana?" This wasn't like her at all. She was normally so direct about everything. Fearless. But now...
She looked him in the eye, and it was with great astonishment that Ander realised she wasn't merely afraid. She was terrified.
"Ander? There's... there's something I need to tell you."
If you enjoy my story, please help keep my face un-mauled by irritable ostriches by dropping me a donation.
Thank you! ^_^
Paypal:[email protected]
Donation Progress $114 / $300 (Unlock Sunday update)
How and Why: The Story behind "Ander" (Journal): https://www.sofurry.com/view/517234
Special thanks go out to the following furs for helping me keep this project afloat with their generous donations. I couldn't do it without your support.
- Mystery fur
- PyrePup
- KmlRock
- Faan
- Sunny-Fox
- Mystery fur #2
- Sky Star
- Claybrook
- 1_2Punch
Thank you! You guys are the best! ^_^