Ander - Part 6: Subchapter 19
19
Mateo couldn't believe it. None of it. Not his eyes, not his ears, not even his nose. He simply could not believe what his senses were telling him, and yet it was happening all around him. Foxes were singing and dancing, locking arms, jerking each other to and fro around the fire, falling on their asses in a big pile and laughing their heads off.
"Ey, Matty!" Bartholomew (or was that Nicholas?) came sauntering up to him holding two big tankards in each hand. "Wanna drink? You're a connoisseur of the nectar of the vine these days, ain'tcha?"
Mateo turned his nose. "Father already has me hauling rocks to pay my debt, so forgive me if I don't go diving face first into the nearest keg."
"Debt? No debt, Matty! 'S free! Why so curmudgeonly? Have some fun! Unwind! Relax! Live a little! Celebrate!"
"Celebrate? Celebrate what? Being on the brink of war with a race of bloodthirsty savages that could be coming up this hill as we speak? No thanks."
Bartholomew shrugged, said, "Suit yourself, Matty boy..." and downed the tankards together, somehow not spilling a single drop. He licked his lips and turned back to the fire. "Oy! Nick! Where you at? Your libations are getting all depleted like! Foxes keep stealing sips! Ain't my fault! Whoops, there goes another one!" He tipped the rest into his waiting maw and walked off like that, his muzzle pointed straight up into the air.
Mateo slapped his forehead and slowly dragged his palm across his face, feeling like an old greyfur forced to look after a bunch of pups. "The way they're going on, you'd never think our lives are in danger. Never in a million years. Idiots."
"My thoughts exactly."
Mateo nearly jumped right out of his skin. The giant Wolfess with the bear claw necklace was standing right beside him. How long she's been there he had no idea, and although she was the biggest woman he had ever seen, she moved like a freaking ghost.
She must be one hell of a hunter, though, he thought.
"Is this a regular occurrence with you Foxes?" she asked. "Dancing around when you should be preparing for battle?"
"No, but then again, we've never actually had to prepare for battle at all."
"So I've heard." Her face was very difficult to read, for some reason. It was like looking at a paper mask drawn by an unskilled hand, so that you weren't really sure what the artist's intention was, whether he wanted the subject to appear happy or sad, angry or worried, and then he went and drew another face over the old one, trying to fix his mistake but only making it more confusing. "That is concerning."
"We're all going to die, is what you're saying."
"Quite possibly." The mask split apart for a second, revealing an actual face beneath all those carefully constructed layers. "I'm glad there's at least one of you who isn't trying to cover a corpse with wildflowers."
"You're that Wolfess who spoke at the Town Hall today. Lydia, was it?"
"Nilia. And you're Jackass."
"Actually, it's Mateo." He stuck out his hand. "Pleased to meet -"
She seized him and crunched his fingers like a faggot of twigs, then proceeded to give his entire arm a good up-and-down jerk, nearly ripping his shoulder free of its socket. "I am pleased to meet you as well," she said, her face every bit as stony as her grip.
"Aaaye..." Mateo wheezed, struggling to keep the pain off his face. He couldn't afford to look weak in front of a Wolf who already seemed to think of Foxes as ignorant little children oblivious to strife. Although, to be brutally honest, his peers weren't exactly doing much to counter her view.
"Oy, Nicky! Bet'cha can't grab miss Nilia by the tail again!"
"Challenge accepted, you slubberdegullion! Prepare to be amazed!"
Nilia flashed a set teeth the size of carpentry spikes and pointed one wickedly sharp claw at the Lonin twins. "If either of you come near my tail again I will bite your faces off!"
Daayuumn. With her arm just a few inches from his face, Mateo couldn't help but stare at the solid thickness of her forearm and the curvature of her bicep. There was power in that arm to be sure, and yet somehow, it was still feminine. It was remarkable, actually. He didn't think he'd ever seen an arm like this on a woman before.
The twins both recoiled as if caught in a gale, Nicholas in particular. He clutched at his chest and wailed: "Be still, my racing heart!" and swooned to the ground amidst cheers and laughter.
Nilia dropped her arm, but her fingers had curled into a fist so tight the tendons in her wrist stood out like cables. "Is that Fox some kind of pervert?" Even her voice was like a fist, if that made any sense. Almost more growl than words.
"You don't have to worry about them. They mean well, it's just that they go about it in a stupid way. I think they're actually trying to make you feel at home, so don't get too mad when they, erm..." Mateo knew he was probably risking his life by doing this, but he found himself leaning back more and more, until his eyes were able to slide down her waist and across her tail. It was a mangy thing. The fur was all tangled and knotted and bits of leaves and broken twigs were sticking out of it helter-skelter. It was not nearly as fluffy as a vixen's tail, that was for sure. In many ways, it was more like a rat's nest than a tail. And yet, it fascinated him the same way her arm did. It was almost the exact opposite of everything he loved about tails. It wasn't cuddly, or floofy, or huggable, and she didn't swish it around when she walked. In other words, it wasn't girly. But for some reason, that messy tail still seemed so feminine. In fact, it seemed even more feminine than the cleanest, floofiest of tails on the snootiest, most high-brow of vixens the valley had to offer, who spent hours every morning washing and brushing every inch from base to tip. How does that work? How could something so un-girly still be so feminine? Maybe it was because she was so -
What are you doing!? She's going to kill you if she sees you staring like this!
Mateo stood up straight as a rod and cleared his throat in what he hoped was a nonchalant way, expecting her to swipe those shovel-like hands of hers across his face at any second. How long had he been staring? It must have been a good long while.
He risked a quick peek at her face, and that was the first time he noticed there was something about Nilia that was slightly... odd.
Her eyes were closed. Her mouth was a straight line, but he could see the muscles in her jaws and temple working as she ground on her teeth. Her fingers were slowly uncurling, but they were shaking as she did so, as if releasing a fist was harder to do than making one. Her frown was so deep it almost seemed to reach all the way down to her muzzle.
"Nilia?" Mateo took a small step back. Many years ago, back when he was a stupid pup, he had plugged his mother's tea kettle with a cork and tied down the lid with a piece of string and then set the whole thing to boil, just to see what would happen. It had shaken like a living thing, with plumes of steam billowing from every little gap like a dragon's breath. Eventually the cork went flying out of the spout and ricocheted up the chimney before breaking into a hundred little pieces. If that kettle had been pointed at his face, he might have lost an eye. Standing next to Nilia right now was like standing next to that shaking tea kettle, except this tea kettle was roughly fifty times bigger, came with razor sharp teeth and claws, and was filled with, well... he didn't know what was going on inside, but it sure as hell wasn't anything as mundane as boiling water.
And then, everything changed.
Her fingers unfurled, her jaw muscles relaxed, and her frown disappeared. She opened her eyes and her face was completely blank. It was like looking at that poorly drawn mask again.
"Nilia?" Mateo said, flummoxed. "Are you all right?"
"I am well."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
"Sorry, but I don't think so."
"I assure you, I am perfectly well."
"Then what was that just now?"
"What was what?"
"The thing! With your face! That thing!"
"What thing?"
"The- The thing! The thing you just did!"
"Are _you_feeling well, Mateo?"
"Me? Me!? You're the one who went all psycho loopy there for a second!"
"I was just..." She touched her forehead and stared off into the empty night, beyond the fire and the dancing Foxes, into the dark shadows of the valley below. "I am just tired. To be honest, all I want to do right now is lie down, go to sleep. I haven't slept in... I don't even know how long."
"Then that's what you should do. Forgive me for saying so, but you look terrible."
"Really? I'm surprised you'd say something like that to my face."
"Well I'm certainly not going to say it to your behind. If there's something I want to say, I say it." Nilia looked down at him with that blank, thousand yard stare. It was the kind of stare he would have expected from someone who had had way too much to drink, except he was positive Nilia was stone cold sober.
"Perhaps you're right," she said. Even her voice had gone blank. There were no highs or lows at all. "If there's something I want to say to someone, I should just be able to walk up to him and say it. I have faced certain death many times, so why should a simple conversation give me pause?"
"Right," Mateo agreed, although he couldn't shake the feeling that there was something dangerously wrong here. He shot a quick glance to the left and right, but everyone had split up into little groups. There was a group for talking, one for eating, one for drinking, one for dancing. The twins had a group all to themselves (vixens mostly) all twittering as they did a simultaneous hand-stand, back to back, and attempted to empty their tankards down each other's throats.
Nobody was paying them any heed. Nobody had noticed that this Wolf was... he didn't even know what to call it. Off?
"Right. If I want to thank him for saving my life, and I mean really thank him, then I should just do it, right?"
"Of course. Um, who are we talking about here?"
"And if I want to thank him for doing more than that, for waking me up, for making me understand what I've been seeing all my life, for making me feel that something needed to be done, then I should be able to do that, too, right?"
"Er... right?"
"And if I want to say even more than that, then what is there to stop me? If I want to tell him I can still hear every word he whispered into my ear, should I not do so? If I want to tell him I can still feel his arm around my neck, should I not do so? If I want to tell him I can still see his smile every time I close my eyes, the smile that spread across his face even as he stood dying and bleeding, the smile that said he was happy I was still breathing, even though it had cost him his own life, should I not do so!?"
"Er, Nilia, I think you might need to calm down a smidge?"
"If I want to tell him I want nothing more than to see him smile again, smile like that for me, a she-wolf who's never earned any smiles from anyone, should I not be able to do so, Mateo!? I ask you, should I not be able to do so!?"
"Yes! For the love of the gods, yes! Do whatever you want!"
Her eyes snapped shut and she froze in place.
"Nilia? Hello?" He gave her a little poke, but she didn't move. She was like a statue again. "Nilia?"
Little by little, she came back to life. Her muscles relaxed and her eyes fluttered open. "I cannot do that," she said, as if nothing had happened.
"What?"
"I cannot say those things. It is not... fitting of a warrior. It is weak. And being weak gets Wolves killed. It is better to say nothing. To feel nothing. That's the way it has always been."
"Uh-huh, uh-huh, I hear you." Mateo nodded his head. "But see, here's the thing, Nilia. I'm going to be brutally honest now, okay? You ready?" He cleared his throat, took a deep breath, and said, "I do believe you are crazy, and standing so near you is scaring the hell out of me."
Nilia looked at him.
"Now I understand that that was very rude of me, I get that. I'd even understand if you thought me a bit of a jackass for saying so, but you are obviously dealing with some - How shall I put it? - personal issues, and I'd rather not be anywhere near you when it all comes exploding out your ears. So, if you don't mind..."
She was still looking at him. Just looking and looking.
"If you don't mind, I'll just... bid you fare-thee-well."
Looking looking looking.
"Well, fare-thee-well. And goodbye. And... yes. Off I go. Toodles." Mateo walked away, and he did not look back. He walked past groups of Foxes, all of them talking, laughing, singing, and he did not look back. He stood by the warm glow of the fire and took in the smell of roasting meat and he did not... look...
Don't do it, Mat. She's clearly off her rocker, or whatever furnishing Wolves normally sit upon, so don't you do it, you hear? This is your common sense speaking. No good can come from getting involved with Wolves, especially not the stir-crazy ones. So you just steer right clear. Don't turn around.
Mateo clenched his fists and bit down on his lip.
Don't do it! Just leave her alone!
He started to turn his head.
Don't do it, you idiot! Oh look, they've got sausages! We like sausages, don't we? Go on and grab a bite. Have a seat. Stick your head in the fire. Do anything! Just DO NOT LOOK BACK!
He looked back.
Why do I even bother?
Nilia was standing in the exact same spot he had left her, far outside the reach of the fire, where it was dark and cold and nobody paid her a second glance. He might be wrong, but he thought she was still in the exact same pose, too. She kept glancing up at the moon, probably trying to gauge the socially acceptable amount of time she had to stand around and 'make merry' until she could retire to her tent and hide away from the world. She might as well have carved a massive 'sod off' sign across her forehead, and yet he couldn't shake the feeling that he was looking at the saddest little thing ever. Well, 'little' in the figurative sense.
Okay, you looked, now leave her be. She clearly wants to be left alone, so don't you go sticking your nose where it doesn't belong. She damn near kicked one of the twins' teeth in, and I bet she wouldn't hesitate to do the same to you. She is wild and feral and crazy and uncivilized and messy and where do you think you're going!?
He walked up and stood right next to her, feeling like the biggest idiot in the 'Glen. No, make that the smallest. He was by no means a short Fox, but standing next to her like this made him feel positively tiny. The tips of his ears barely reached higher than her shoulders, and that was when he perked them up as far as they could go! She made him feel even smaller than Ander did, maybe because she was a woman.
"I thought you said you were leaving?" she said.
"I decided to come back."
"I thought you said I was crazy, and that being around me scared you?"
"I do still think that, and you do still scare the hell out of me, yes."
"Then why come back here and stand within such convenient grabbing distance?"
"Well, Nilia," Mateo said, not liking the last part of that sentence at all, "everybody's crazy, in their own way. You're crazy. I'm crazy. All your friends are crazy. All mine are, too. My family is especially crazy. It doesn't matter if they're Foxes or Wolves. If they're smart enough to think, they're smart enough to be wholly insane. That's what I think, anyway. So... there really is no reason to let you wither away here like some lonely wall flower just because I'm terrified you might blow up and kill us all." He twiddled his thumbs, wishing he had thought to bring something along with him, a piece of food or drink or anything, really, just so he'd have something to do with his hands. "And also... well, I can't just ignore a damsel in distress."
"I am not in distress."
"You clearly are."
"I assure you, I am not."
"You are so deep in distress I marvel at the fact that none of your cohorts have noticed it yet. Or do you just go around with a big blank piece of wood tied to your face so often that everybody considers it normal by now?"
She looked down at him, but it was difficult to tell whether she was peeved or not, since not even her eyebrows were moving. It would probably be best to assume she was always angry.
You just had to come back here, didn't you? Wouldn't listen to me, oh no. You knew better, didn't you?
She closed her eyes, took a deep breath, opened them again. "You are probably right about everyone being crazy, in their own way. You yourself must be the craziest Fox I've met yet, simply because you're so intent on chatting with a Wolf you believe to be crazy enough to go on a killing spree at any minute."
"Can't argue with that." Mateo stuck his hands in his pockets and tried to pretend that the cold wasn't bothering him. Seriously, what kind of a man would he be if he stood around shivering in his boots when the woman right next to him barely had her fur up despite wearing nothing but a single layer of animal leathers? Still, it would have been nice if she'd decided to pull this pariah act a bit closer to the fire. Hell, he'd even put up with wonderful wonderful Ander if he could get out of this gloomy corner of -
Wait...
"Say, Nilia?" Mateo dearly hoped his head would still be attached to his neck by the end of this conversation. "That Wolf you mentioned earlier, the one you wanted to talk to, but couldn't?"
"What about him?"
"It's Ander, isn't it?"
Lo and behold, a miracle doth descend upon Wolf Hill and Nilia actually showed a bit of emotion other than outright anger or stone-faced blankness. She turned her head away in an unmistakable look of embarrassment. "What does it matter who he is? It doesn't make any difference."
"It makes all the difference in the world!" Mateo said, quite frankly astonished that this behemoth of a woman could be so sheepish. "I thought you were talking about some Wolf waaay on the other side of the mountain, some guy you had to leave behind, or maybe who died, or you know, something that involves some kind of genuine obstacle for you. But Ander is sitting right there! Right there!" He pointed with both hands to accentuate his point. "Right! Theeeeere!!"
"Keep your voice down."
"If you want to talk to him, just walk up to him and do it. There is literally nothing stopping you."
"Yes there is. There are too many people around. Wolves and Foxes everywhere. And that Kiana vixen is always hanging on his arm like some annoying tick."
"Pffft, that's no excuse. Just go over there and tell him you'd like to have a word with him in private. Problem solved."
"I can't do that."
"Why not?"
"Because I don't want to." Definitely not stingy with the venom on that one.
"You're acting like a little girl with a crush."
"I am not."
"So go talk to him! It's not like you have feelings for him or anything, so what's the problem?"
"There is_no problem. None at all. Except for the annoying little red rodent yapping at my heels. Which is you. _Jackass."
And then it hit him. "Oh my dear sweet gods, you do."
"Do what?"
"Have feelings for him."
"I do not."
"Yes you do. I can practically see the little hearts bubbling from your expressionless eyes."
"Listen here, you little runt." She manoeuvred herself between him and the fire in a single step, turning her face into a literal mask of shadow. "I barely know Ander, and he barely knows me." She advanced with her finger pointed right at his chest, but to Mateo it felt like she might as well be brandishing a dagger.
He backed away with his hands up, painfully aware that he was moving farther and farther away from the crowds and any potential aid should this little conversation go pear-shaped. "Okay, okay, I didn't mean anything by it!" he said, but his placations fell on deaf ears.
"We may have lived together in the same village all our lives, but we hardly ever spoke to each other. I was a warrior and he was the freak dosa of the Chieftain. I spent my youth working my fingers to the bone just to be acknowledged by my fellow Wolves, trying to fit in as best I could, while he simply didn't give a damn."
"Well, er, both of those lifestyles are quite admirable in -"
"Probably the most we ever talked was at his farce of an execution, and even those words had to be carefully veiled. He is practically a stranger to me, and I to him."
"All right, I believe you."
"There are no feelings between us, except for respect."
"Yes, I see that now. I'm sorry I upset you."
"I am not upset. I am simply correcting your false assumption."
"Then consider my assumption corrected most rightly, good Wolfess. I shall never assume again."
She bent down and leaned in close so that their noses were almost touching. "See that you don't."
Mateo swallowed the lump in his throat, put on his most winning smile (or at least, he hoped it looked winning) and nodded.
Nilia stared him down a while longer, the glow of the fire just barely reaching around her head and shoulders in a stuttering halo, and said: "Very well."
And that was it. She stepped back and her face returned to its previous, neutral state.
Mateo let out a silent sigh of relief and attempted to still the frantic beating of his heart, which was thudding in his chest so rapidly it felt like the damn thing was trying to crawl up his throat.
You just dodged one hell of a bolt there, Matty-boy. Just make sure you don't say anything stu -
"Hey, you know about him and Kiana, right?"
- pid...
Her head snapped back in his direction like a broken bowstring. "What about him and Kiana?"
Oh dear gods she doesn't know. She's totally got a thing for wonderful wonderful Ander and she doesn't know he and Kiana have been rutting in yonder love nest for the past couple of months.
Her brow furrowed and her gaze darkened. "What about him and Kiana?"
"Well, er..." Think fast! Think fast! "You see, the thing is, from what I've gathered, they've become quite good friends."
"I can see that all too clearly, although I don't understand why. I've seen snakes with more meat on their bones than that scrawny little thing."
"Couldn't agree more, that poor girl is downright emaciated."
"I bet she couldn't even lift a quarter of her own weight."
"String beans for arms, that one. Not well-sculpted tree-trunks of muscle like yours."
Oh dear gods, what in the name of heaven is wrong with you!?
She looked at him sharply, still wearing that dangerous little frown, and Mateo very nearly considered curling himself into a tight little ball and throwing himself down Wolf Hill. If he was lucky he might even make it to the bottom with only a few dozen broken bones to pay.
She glanced at her arms, then back at him, and in a soft voice quite unlike her neutral drone or her ferocious snarling, she said: "Thanks."
Oh thank goodness I'm still in one piece. "You are most welcome." Now, to change the topic before she -
"So what were you saying about Ander and Kiana?"
Dammit!
"Well..." Mateo tugged on his collar, feeling like the damn thing was strangling him. If he told her the truth, he might break whatever passed for a heart in that voluminous chest of hers, and what then? He'd be a jackass, that's what. But she was bound to find out sooner or later, so if he didn't tell her right now, he'd still end up looking like a total jackass when she inevitably embarrassed herself in front of the Wolf she apparently has eyes for, and then there'll be hell to pay. So no matter what he did, he was either a total jackass, or a jackass in traction.
"Spit it out, Mat!"
"The thing is..." Mateo had no idea how she would react, but if she was anything like that pressurized tea kettle, someone was bound to lose an eye. Or maybe even a limb.
"By the Cora, Mateo, if you don't answer me right now..."
What do I do? Oh sweet merciful gods, what do I do!?
Luckily for him (or unluckily, depending on how you looked at it), the decision was ripped from his hands most spectacularly when the twins appeared between them like a sorcerer's conjuration, hanging onto each other for support, a pair of identical grins plastered all over their faces.
"What do we have here, dear brother? A pair of ne'er-do-wells engaged in shadowy gossip?"
"I believe so, dear brother."
"How uncouth."
"How unsightly."
"How rude."
"How droll!"
"How positively delightful! Mind if we join in?"
Bad. Very very very bad. "We are most certainly not gossiping," Mateo said, trying to simultaneously communicate the danger of the situation to the twins while not being too obvious about it, which resulted in a rather stiff-necked display of raised eyebrows and subtle head-jerks, all of them wasted on the semi-inebriated. They simply stared at him with those foolish grins, woefully ignorant of the fact that the unstable Wolfess they were chumming with had not been joking when she said she'd bite their faces off. At least, Mateo was reasonably sure she hadn't been joking. And speaking of the unstable Wolfess...
She cleared her throat, crossed her arms, and in an almost lady-like manner she said: "Actually, we were gossiping. Mateo here was just telling me about Ander and Kiana. Care to weigh in?"
Mateo didn't know what it felt like to hang from a cliff suspended by naught but the strength of a single pinky, but he was willing to bet this came pretty close. That initial sense of frozen terror, followed by the insane urge to scramble for your life, followed by the realization that even the slightest movement would send you tumbling down to your death, followed by that sense of frozen terror again, bringing you full circle in a single moment, and a single moment was all it took for two stupid, air-brained Foxes to open their mouths and say the absolute worst possible things imaginable.
"Ooh! How juicy! Everybody knows they've been stuffin' the muffin, so to speak, it's just the mechanics of it that boggle my mind. Ander's so big and Kiana's so tiny."
"Like trying to force your head through a sweater two sizes too small."
"Please, dear brother, no need to be vulgar."
"Says the Fox equating intercourse to 'stuffing muffins'."
Yup. That's it. I'm dead. They're dead. Everybody here is dead. Ripped apart by a crazy giant lovelorn Wolf psycho...
"Um, guys?" Maybe there was still time to douse the situation. "Guys!"
Something was happening to Nilia, all right. He couldn't see any difference in her demeanour, her facial expression, or her body language, but he could definitely tell something was going on behind those striking green eyes of hers, something building.
The twins didn't seem to notice, though. "Well what euphemism do you propose we use, then?"
"I dunno. Something classy."
"Such as?"
"Bread and butter, one on top of the other."
"How is that any less vulgar than stuffin' muffins?"
"Because my 'bread' can also mean 'life', whereas your 'muffin' is simply a reference to female anatomy."
"Whoa, okay! This is not the kind of talk to have in the presence of a lady!" Mateo tried to worm his way between them as if to stop a brawl, but they just kept yelling over his head, bickering back and forth.
"Poppycock, Barty! They both utilize baking goods as a substitute for hanky-panky! At least mine is more compact!"
"Mine is poetry!"
"So is mine!"
"What!? It doesn't even rhyme!"
"What do you mean? Of course it does!"
"In what world does 'stuffing' rhyme with 'muffin'?"
"Not 'stuffing', you nitwit! 'Stuffin'!"
"Oh, I see. The only way your argument holds any water is by butchering the language."
"Language is fluid, unlike you."
"Now who's full of poppycock!?"
Not unlike birds taking flight just before an earthquake, Mateo could actually sense the impending eruption. It was something in the air, some prickly kind of heat slamming into his back that made him want to curl up into a tight little ball.
Oh, this is going to be bad...
Reluctantly, he looked up at Nilia's face, expecting to see one of two things. Either that eerily calm, blank look he imagined was the last thing seared into the eyeballs of many a dead enemy beyond the mountain, or that furious snarl, all teeth and exposed gums, reserved only for those who had ticked her off particularly badly. But he was wrong on both accounts. She wasn't even looking at the trio of Foxes pushing and shoving each other like a bunch of stag beetles. She was looking at...
Mateo followed her gaze towards Ander and Kiana, sitting by the fire; smiling, talking, laughing, being warm, being happy, being with each other. Seeing them like that made him forget his panic for a moment. He was too busy trying not to double over from the pain blooming in the pit of his stomach, like a wooden spike being driven through his abdomen; slowly, deliberately, deeper and deeper the longer he looked. Watching them made him feel the exact opposite of what they must be feeling: cold, and lonely...
So lonely...
"All right, guys, I think that's enough gossip for now." Drawing from first-hand experience of Othello's heave-ho techniques, Mateo gently (but firmly) marched them away amidst indignant (yet oddly symmetrical) protests.
"Eh! Whoa!"
"Whoa! Eh! What's the big idea, Matty? You been drinking again? Kissing the dame with the hat of cork, as it were?"
"Actually, I'm trying to help you out," Mateo whispered conspiratorially. "In case you hadn't noticed, Nilia is a bit... miffy right now. Say the wrong thing and you're likely to get rolled down this hill like a pair of fuzzy snowballs."
"Aaah..." Nick nodded in understanding, rubbing his still swollen nose. "A roll in the snow sounds most unpleasant. I'd prefer a roll in the hay any day."
Bart burst out laughing. "Ooh! Another euphemism for amorous congress involving baked goods in a rhyming format? What are the odds?"
"Not that kind of 'roll' you idiot!"
Mateo cleared his throat. "Anyway, have you noticed Rachel and Sandra standing over there, all by themselves? Such a pretty pair of vixens. It's downright criminal, if you ask me. Maybe you could go keep them company for a bit?"
Nick's eyes widened in shock. "Rachel and Sandra are lonely, you say? Unacceptable! I must release them from their hellish solitude forthwith!"
Bart sniggered. "And by that you mean flirt with them until they slap you in the face."
"Or until my flirtations succeed, dear brother!"
"Careful Nicky, you wouldn't want to end up putting a... bun in her oven! Haahaha! Eh? Eh? Get it?" Bartholomew sniggered and elbowed his brother in the ribs. "Eh? Eh?"
"Your wit knows no limit, Barty. Now come! Let us depart!"
"Hear, hear!"
They both spun around, gave a little bow and tipped a pair of imaginary hats with such perfect symmetry that Mateo would almost certainly have rolled his eyes were it not for his lingering mortal terror.
"Good night to you, Miss Nilia."
"And welcome to Grovenglen!"
"If Mr. Matty here gives you any trouble, just give us a holler and we'll come a-running."
And with that, they bounded off on another of their conquests, leaving him to deal with the aftermath of their damnable muffin obsession. Those fools had no idea...
Mateo turned around, every muscle in his body tense, feeling like he might need to jump back at any moment.
Nilia was standing in the same spot, still as a statue.
"Um... Nilia?" he ventured. "You really shouldn't take anything they say too seriously. They're kind of... Do you have comedians back home?"
She took in a long, slow breath. It was the kind of breath Mateo knew well, the deliberate kind made by someone struggling to keep their temper under control, and the kind that only seemed to work half the time. And then, in a voice just as calm as it was terrifying, she said: "They made it sound like Ander and Kiana are mated."
"Well, they're not married, if that's what you mean, but..."
But it's not like they're not stuffin' the muffin, breadin' the butter, rollin' the hay, all those vulgar euphemisms the twins are so fond of.
It's not like they didn't rip out my heart and stomp all over it.
It's not like seeing them all lovey-dovey doesn't make me want to throw up all over my shoes and curl up and die.
It's not like I don't want to go over there and -
Mateo looked away, unable to bear that wretched feeling in his gut any longer; part anger, part misery, part actual, physical pain, and, through pure happenstance, his gaze fell on his parents.
Your father and I love you very, very much. You understand that, don't you?
They were talking to a pair of heavy-set Wolves just inside the glow of the fire. Father was comparing height, standing up on tip-toes, while Mother was busy admiring all the little decorations on the female's garb. They seemed to be having fun.
We only want what's best for you. We want you to be happy. That's why we can't just stand by and watch you make yourself miserable any longer.
He was doing it again, wasn't he? Making himself feel miserable?
All I want from you is to stop hating him. Can you do that for me? Please?
He made a promise, didn't he? He promised he would try to stop hating the one she loved so much. What kind of a son would he be if he couldn't keep a promise like that for more than a day?
Mateo took a deep breath, not unlike the one Nilia took before him, sighed, and said: "Listen, Nilia. Ander has been close to death at least twice this side of the mountain. I might even have played a part in putting him down the first time (just a tiny, infinitesimal part, mind you), but anyway, before he got this nice little place, he lived down in the valley with Kiana and her family. They shared the same roof, the same food, the same everything. I don't know the whole story, probably nobody does, but they went through considerable hardship together, so it's natural for them to... be close. What I'm trying to say is..."
He could still see them from here, sitting on that big log by the fire, snuggled up next to each other, not saying anything, just being together with their friends and family. Ander was whittling something out of a piece of wood, and Kiana was watching over his shoulder. She was so beautiful, and although it hurt to look at her in the warm glow of the firelight, he was happy she was smiling, even though that smile wasn't meant for him. "If we love them, we should be happy they're making each other happy. That's just the way it is."
There. He said it. It was out. There was no release, no moment of enlightenment, no holy beams of light shooting down from the heavens. He didn't even feel any better, but... he felt like he might begin to feel better, somewhere down the line. And that was a good enough start, wasn't it?
Too bad Nilia completely misinterpreted his words. "Are you trying to _console_me?"
"Wait, what now?"
"Because if that's what you're doing, you're wasting your time. First of all, I do not care if those two are mated. Secondly, they obviously aren't. So there's two reasons right there for you to shut up."
"Excuse me?"
"You heard me. The only reason I'm out here is for the free food, not the inane bantering of some annoying little rodent."
"Annoying little rodent? You haven't touched a scrap of food since you got here, and you didn't seem to mind my inane bantering before, so the only reason you're being such a total bitch right now is because you don't want to accept the fact that wonderful wonderful Ander might be unavailable."
Oh dear sweet merciful gods up in heaven you just called her a total bitch, didn't you? What are you trying to do, kill yourself? There are less painful ways of doing that! Like jumping in a saw mill, for instance!
Mateo knew he should listen to that internal voice and just keep his damn mouth shut, but he couldn't stop himself. Once his emotions got the better of him, they just poured out, always, and he was powerless to stop them until they had their say, even if the stuff they ended up making him say made him feel like total... well, jackass.
"You're so transparent you might as well be made of crystal!" the words came flying out. "Wouldn't surprise me, since crystal is just a pretty kind of stone, which you seem to be made of through and through! Suits you perfectly!"
Nilia crossed her arms and looked down at him, that dangerous little frown cresting her brow. "I may be made of stone, but you, Mateo, are short. So there."
"What!? Oh, you did not just call me short!"
"I most certainly did."
"I am of a perfectly normal height!"
"Short."
"Slightly above average even!"
"Short."
"You're the freakishly large one!"
"You're the freakishly short one."
"You know what? Fine! I'd tell you not to get your fur in a knot, but it's clearly too late for that, Miss I've-Never-Used-A-Comb-My-Whole-Life! If I'm going to end up being a jackass either way, I might as well be a blunt jackass!" He pointed his finger at the happy couple by the fire in much the same way he would have pointed his darling Agatha. "They are involved with each other!"
Nilia looked at him.
"'Involved' as in together!"
Nilia looked at him.
"'Together' as in a relationship!"
Nilia looked at him, then at Ander and Kiana snuggled up by the fire, then back at Mateo. "You're wrong."
"Do you think I'd be standing here, talking to you, if I was wrong? That girl used to be my fiancé! That means we were promised to be mated! But that's something that can never happen anymore, because she's with him! Do you understand now? Do you? Do you!?"
Who are you talking to, Mat? Nilia, or yourself?
He dropped his arm, suddenly feeling very tired. What was he doing, yelling at this giant woman? Was he trying to make her feel better or worse? Was he trying to make himself feel better or worse? Everything was so messed up...
Nilia continued her blank-eyed stare. It was actually getting rather creepy. "Ander is the second biggest Wolf anyone can remember. He simply cannot be... 'with' that little vixen."
"I know, I know, I've thought the same thing, but apparently they - Um, Nilia? Are you all right?"
Something was happening. Every muscle in her body had gone rigid. If her face wasn't so neutral you would have thought she'd just bitten into a sour lemon.
"Do you know this for a fact?" Her voice was flat and emotionless. It was like talking to someone on the verge of falling asleep, which didn't mesh well with the tense atmosphere. Everything about her just seemed terribly out of sorts. "I'm not talking about idle gossip or baseless rumours. I'm asking if you know for a fact. Cold, hard, fact."
"Well, no. Nobody knows for a fact, but trust me on this one. They're not making any serious efforts to hide it. Kiana comes up here every day, for crying out loud. And she stays for hours."
"That still doesn't prove anything. Except maybe that she's a clingy house guest and Ander's very accommodating."
"Don't do this to yourself, Nilia. I've done exactly what you're doing right now, and it won't end well."
"Doing what?"
"Blinding yourself. Manufacturing false hope. Mark my words, it'll all end in tears."
"I never cry!"
Mateo took a step back in alarm. There were a lot of things about this Wolfess that scared him deeply, but the way she said those last three words was the worst by far. It was even more frightening than the way she had bared her fangs at the twins, but he couldn't figure out why. "I'm sorry," he said. "It was only an expression, I didn't mean any offense."
"There is no reason for your concern, since I am not upset. Who Ander chooses to be with is none of my business, and even if he is 'involved' with Kiana, as you say, I am not bothered in the least, and I most certainly will not cry about it, because tears don't do anything except get people killed!"
Oh crap. Mateo should have seen this coming. She was doing the exact same thing she's been doing all this time. She's taking every little shred of emotion and locking it away. She even said so herself.
It is better to say nothing. To feel_nothing. That is the way it has always been._
Sure, that's the way things worked in that primitive box of savages she once called home, but she's not there anymore. She's in Grovenglen now, and without all that external pressure pushing in from the outside, she didn't have anything to balance her own pressure on the inside.
This woman was on the verge of exploding and she didn't even realize it.
You have to get out of here. Seriously, this Wolfess is dangerous. Probably all of them are. Just grab Mother and Father and tell them you're not feeling well. Say your back hurts. Get back home and lock the doors.
Oh sure, because that worked out so well last time.
Just get the hell out of here!
Mateo turned to do just that, but something stopped him before he could take the first step, something in her eyes. Perhaps it was just the flash of an ember reflected in those deep emeralds; a flame of orange flickering within the green, but for a moment it almost looked like the shine of -
And then it was gone, and he was left looking at an angry Wolfess, close enough to touch, and yet a hundred miles away, locked deep inside herself where it was always dark and lonely, no matter what side of the mountain you called home.
He didn't know what it was about her. She was big and scary. She had teeth that could snap his neck in a single bite and she was clearly an emotional wreck, the worst possible combination, and yet he didn't want to leave her side. Gods help him, he wanted to talk to her, get to know her, maybe find out why she was in so much pain.
He didn't know why, but she fascinated him in a way that no other girl has ever fascinated him before.
So instead of running away, he took her by the hand and started to lead her towards the fire.
"What are you doing!?" She dug in her heels like a stubborn mule and pulled her hand back so fast she nearly whipped Mateo right off his feet.
"If you're too chicken to do it yourself, I'll help you along!" Mateo said, holding on to her hand for dear life.
"Do what?"
"Talk to Ander, you psycho! That's what you wanted to do, right? You wanted to thank him for saving your life."
"Not now! Let go of me or I'll kick your teeth in!"
"Yes, now! Or do you want to explode? Because trust me, I know all about exploding!"
"What are you talking about?"
"You think you can keep everything in there forever? Well you're wroooOOW!!" She had dug her claws into the back of his hand and they were starting to dig into his flesh like a set of meat hooks, but Mateo gritted his teeth and kept going. "Everything will come bubbling out all at once, and you do not want that to happen! Best to let it out a little bit at a time! All you need to do is go up to him and say, "Hey, Ander, remember when you saved my life that one time? Thanks!' It's just one sentence! Is that really so hard? You seem like the kind of person who's done way harder stuff, so - Arghow! What the hell are those claws made of, steel!?"
"This has nothing to do with you!"
"Actually, there's something I'd like to tell him myself. I want him to know that I seriously dislike him, despise him even, and that we'll never be best of buds, but that I'll try not to hate him from now on. I made a promise, you see."
"What kind of messed up promise is that!?"
"The kind that keeps you from exploding and hurting the ones you care about!" Mateo looked around, but Ander and Kiana weren't by the fire anymore, neither were they among the crowd or by the tents. That only left the house. "Come on. We can go talk to him together."
Yes, "slubberdegullion" is a real word. ;P
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