Ander - Part 6: Subchapter 25
25
"No, Nilia, wait, seriously, I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry I said those things! I'm sorry I called you a crazy bitch!" he prattled on as she pushed him through the entrance. Never before has a cosy little tent like this been more horrific, with claw-like shadows from the oak tree's branches crawling all over its animal skin walls, the sunken fireplace lined with smooth, white river stones like children's skulls. "No, wait wait wait - Ooof!"
She tossed him face first into a big, fluffy bear pelt as easily and casually as one might toss a hat at a coat tree, and although appreciative of the soft landing, he didn't think it would make much of a difference in the long run. He spun around and scooted backwards on his butt, intent on putting as much distance between himself and that freakishly strong woman as possible.
She had her back turned and was messing around with the entrance. After a moment of panicked cogitation, Mateo realised with dawning horror that she was tying the eyelets shut, one by one, with strips of rawhide. It was the tent equivalent to locking the door!
Oh dear gods I am dead, I am so, so dead...
Use your wit! Your guile! Stall her! Distract her! Do something! Anything!
"Nilia, I... er..." Was there a knife in here somewhere? Maybe he could slash open the walls. They were only dried out animal pelts, after all. Hell, he could probably chew his way through, given enough time.
Oh, sure, I bet she'll just stand right there with her arms folded, whistling a happy tune while you gnaw at her walls like a teething pup.
If only he could think, but his head felt all weird and numb. It was a similar sensation to when your foot falls asleep, but less tickly and more stingy. He vigorously rubbed his scalp to get rid of that unpleasant feeling and tried to formulate a plan, but his itching, burning head wasn't the only distraction.
Nilia was working so slowly, so methodically, pulling the strips of leather through the eyelets, looping them around, cinching them tight, and every time she did, he could see the way the muscles in her shoulders worked beneath her fur, contracting and relaxing before moving on to the next. It would have been quite alluring, were it not for the fact that she could just as easily twist _him_into a knot.
"Nilia? Please listen to me."
She did not answer, or give any indication that she had heard him at all. She simply moved down to the next eyelet, working in complete silence. There were only two left.
"I am sorry I called you a crazy bitch," he said. "I know, I know, you think I'm just saying that to save my own skin, but I genuinely mean it. And I'm sorry I accused you and your Wolf friends of being another reason we'll all end up dead. I was out of line."
She didn't reply. She simply moved on to the next eyelet. One to go.
"I'm sorry I said those things to Ander! You clearly like him, but I was just -"
"Be quiet, Mateo."
"- so angry and when I get angry it just - it goes everywhere! And I still can't believe I said such a horrible thing to Kiana... I didn't mean to hurt anyone, but it always happens that way! And after that little speech I gave you about 'being happy that they're happy'... Gods, I'm such a hypocrite!"
She tied the last eyelet.
"Nilia, I'm sorry you had to find out that way, I was a total idiot, you just wanted to leave it alone, but I dragged you over there like I knew so much better, like I was going to fix everything and show everyone that I could be a good guy, too! How was I supposed to know we'd open the door to - to that? But it wasn't my fault! That was the one thing that wasn't my fault!"
She cinched the last knot tight, and the rawhide made a sound like a snare tightening around the neck of some unfortunate little woodland critter, doomed to spend its last moments on earth bound and trapped, without any hope of escape. "Be quiet, Mateo," she said. "Do not speak of Ander, or Kiana, or anyone. Do not speak at all."
Mateo did not like the tone of her voice one bit. Granted, he was only familiar with two of her tones (furious anger and neutral boredom), but this didn't seem to fit either. It was... well, he knew what it sounded like, but it didn't jive with the way she was acting.
Aargh! This would be so much easier if she just acted the way she felt, like a normal - Oh, right. 'Normal'. No such thing in this world anymore.
"Nilia?"
She had placed her hand against the canvas, casting a black silhouette against the pale moonshine. She was shaking. "I envy you, Mateo."
"Excuse me?" Of all the things she could have said, that was not what he was expecting.
"You said exactly what you wanted to say. You didn't even hesitate. The moment you felt something, you released it without a thought. Fear, anger, hatred, love... You cast it out. All of it. It didn't matter whether you'd end up hurting yourself or those around you."
Mateo was thankful for the fact that she had asked him not to speak, because, quite frankly, he had no idea how to respond to that. Was she complimenting him or insulting him? Her words were just as ambiguous as her out of sync body language.
"I can't do that," she said, and once again, Mateo thought he could almost tell what was going on in that head of hers. "I can never do that. Never... No matter how badly I want to."
There was a small opening at the top of the tent, and it was letting in just enough moonlight for his eyes to make out her shape in the gloom. She was so tall, so imposing, like something pulled out of a nightmare, and yet her voice... Unable to see the face that always looked so angry and so neutral at the same time, her voice sounded... almost sad.
Maybe she really did only want to talk? Maybe she wanted to do what she couldn't bring herself to do in front of her friends, but he apparently couldn't keep himself from doing? Maybe she just needed a minute to get it all out. Maybe she wouldn't explode.
"Nilia?" Mateo creeped a bit closer, feeling petrified, but oddly optimistic. "Did you... maybe... want to talk about it?"
She turned around and one look at her face was enough to blow his fledgling theory right out of the water. He was hoping to see a sad little smile, or maybe even a tear, something he could actually work with. What he got instead was a solid block of stone with a pair of unblinking eyes and a mouth as straight as a ruler. The only indication of any emotion whatsoever was a slight frown across her brow, but that frown spoke volumes.
She is angry, far more angry than she was at the twins. She is about to explode, and I am locked in this tent with her.
She moved quickly, passing through the small spot of moonlight in the centre of the tent, and in that single moment, as she flickered from pitch black shadow to pale blue light and back again, Mateo saw how much pain she was in, and how badly she was struggling to keep it all inside.
She's not keeping it in, though, he thought as he pressed his back against the leathery wall. She can't. Not anymore. She's kept it in for too long. She really is a stoppered teapot, and when she explodes, she will fill the air with boiling water and scalding steam and shards of razor sharp porcelain. Nothing can stop it. She's exploding right now, and I'm the only one here she can aim it at.
She is going to tear me apart...
She dropped down to her knees and grabbed him by the ankle, her grip as hard as iron, and pulled him closer, dragging him across the floor.
"Nilia! Don't! Please!" he begged, shielding his face from the mountain of shadows looming above him. "People know I'm in here! There's witnesses! You can't!"
She grabbed a fistful of his shirt and jerked him into a sitting position. Her hands moved across his body, fast and rough, and grabbed hold of the back of his neck, forcing him closer and closer until he could feel her breath washing over his face. She smelled like the forest, of pine needles buried in the snow. She had blocked out every last trace of light with her massive body, and her shadow was all he could see.
He opened his mouth to scream, to call for help, to beg for mercy, but the only sound that came out was a muffled moan, because Nilia had pressed her lips against his, and he could feel her tongue lightly playing against his teeth.
He tried to pull back, but her grip was far too strong. She pulled him in even closer, her hands applying more and more pressure to his neck and the small of his back, crushing him to her body. Her tongue slipped between his teeth and entered his mouth, moving in the clumsy, but enthusiastic way of someone who has never kissed deeply before.
"Mmf! Mmmfia! Ni-!" Mateo jerked his head back and gasped for air, shocked, stunned, dumbfounded and flabbergasted all. "Nilia, what the actual hell!?"
"Be quiet."
He just barely managed to take in a quick breath before she was all over him again, her strong hands holding his face in place while her lips moved against his, desperately greedy.
What the hell was going on with this woman!? He had thought she was on the verge of exploding, but now - Wait...
That's when it hit him. Nilia was exploding. Just not in the way he had thought she would.
"Nilia, wai- mmf, Nilia! Wait!" He planted his hands against her chest and pushed away as hard as he could. "Stop it! Get off me!"
She pulled back a little so that their faces weren't quite touching anymore, but she did not release her grip. He could still feel her chest rise and fall as she breathed, lightly rubbing against his body in the dark. And then she asked him something he did not expect, something that made him feel both sorry for her, and angry at her.
"Do you hate me?"
"What?" Mateo didn't know how much higher his levels of flabbergastedness could rise, but this woman was certainly testing the limits. "No! Of course not! I barely know you!"
"Do you think me hideous?"
"No! Why would I think that? I mean, you could do with a wash or two, but I actually... um... I happen to think you're actually, rather... fetching. In a... you know, different kind of way. A wild kind of way. Maybe even more than fetching. Maybe even... beautif -"
She slammed him down so hard he might have banged his head a good one were it not for the bear pelt frumpled up beneath their bodies. "That is good enough," she panted, pawing at his clothes with those monstrous hands of hers. "That is the only reason we need..."
"Nilia, for gods' sakes!"
All out of patience, she grabbed a big handful of his shirt and ripped the whole thing clean off his body with one hard tug, and suddenly her hands were all over him, her fingers winding their way through his fur, caressing, exploring...
"Nilia, don't!"
She grabbed him by the wrists and pinned him to the ground, her full weight pressing down on his body. "Why do you push me away?" she asked, the fine points of her gossamer hair trailing along his face.
"Because this is wrong!"
"Why? Because you are a Fox and I am a Wolf? That didn't stop Ander and Kiana."
"That_is why!" Mateo said triumphantly. "That is _exactly_why! No, I'm not talking about the Wolf and Fox thing, but the Ander and Kiana thing! _That is why you're acting like this! You've been hankering to jump Ander's bones, but now that you can't do that, you're throwing yourself at the first male specimen to come along! Don't you see, Nilia? You've been keeping your feelings locked up for so long that they're finally gushing out! Anything to make the pain go away, am I right?"
"I fail to see how that is a valid reason."
"It's because you're not in your right mind! It's like..." Mateo cast around for a good example. "It's like taking advantage of a drunk girl. It's just not gentlemanly."
"As you said, you barely know me. That means you don't know what my 'right mind' is."
"But I do know!"
"How?"
"Because you're the exact opposite of me!" Lying in the dark with the absolute silence drawing out between them like a blade, with no sight or sound, only a sensation of touch and weight, Mateo felt something strange growing within him. Just as he was unsure if she had complimented or insulted him with her words, he was unsure if his own were a confession or an accusation. Maybe they were neither, or maybe they were both. Either way, he couldn't stop now. That was simply the way he was. Once he got started, he always had to finish, no matter what. "Nilia... I am not like you. I'm not strong. I like to pretend I am, but it's not even enough to convince myself most of the time. I can't keep the poison inside. It spills out of me and corrodes everything it touches. My family, my friends, the people I love the most all hate me because of this anger and hatred I can never overcome, no matter how hard I fight it. And then there's you... I look at you, and I see a woman who is so strong, not because of the power in her arms, but because of the strength of her will. I see a woman who risked her life to save her friends, a woman who fought to protect the ones she cared about. I see a woman who has so much good in her, a woman who..." Mateo felt the first bitter sting of tears start to well up in his eyes, and was grateful for the darkness. "I see a woman who, for some ungodly reason, decides to hide herself away from those who call her a hero. I see you and I wonder... why couldn't it have been the other way around? I'm the one who should lock myself away... so I can never hurt the ones I love..."
He shut his eyes tight, trying desperately to achieve what came so naturally to Nilia. He tried to take his emotions and lock them away, but he simply could not do it. He felt the tears leak out from beneath his eyelids and dribble past his temples, unabated, burning like fire, so he tried the next best thing. He stayed perfectly quiet, hoping she wouldn't notice.
He heard her shift in the dark and felt her hand caress the side of his face, strong but soft. He felt her wipe the tear away.
"This is why I envy you..." she whispered. "You can let your tears out so easily..."
"Poison," he said, ashamed to have been caught out, but her hand felt so good against his face... warm.
"Poison? Have your tears ever killed anyone, Mateo?"
He opened his eyes and saw her, staring down at him, the pale light of the moon caught in her raven hair.
"Mine have." The bear claw around her neck swung back and forth, a black crescent as sharp as her gaze. "I murdered my entire family with my tears. That is how I earned my name."
That necklace... slowly slicing through the air, just a scant inch above his heart. It looked so cold. Mateo licked his dry lips, and in a voice choked with tears, he asked, "What does your name mean?"
She leaned closer and the necklace touched down on his bare chest. It wasn't cold at all, but he could still feel its shape burning against his body. "I have been alone for a very, very long time," she said. "So just for tonight... Just for one, single night... I don't want to be alone anymore. I know I'm being selfish, asking this of a stranger, but, Mateo, please... Just for tonight... Just for one, _single_night... Will you stay with me? Will you help me feel... not alone?"
"Nilia, I..." She was so different from the other girls. She was so tall, so strong, so imposing. Her hair was a tangled rat's nest that had evidently never felt the touch of a comb, and her fur was rugged and coarse. He could feel the gentle slope created by the swell of her bicep, and the way it tensed beneath his fingers. Her eyes were wild and feral, a shade of green so deep he could see them blazing even in the dark. She wasn't some delicate flower that needed to be protected from the world, but despite all that, or perhaps because of it, she was also breathtakingly beautiful. "I don't want to hurt you, too..."
She traced the shape of his mouth with her finger, lightly dragging the tip of her claw across his lips. "I don't want to hurt my friends, either," she said. "That is why I need to do this. I see how happy they are, and I know that if I let these feelings get out, all of it will be undone. Surely, you must know what I'm talking about. My tears are the real poison. I don't... I don't want to kill with them again... So please, Mateo... help me lock them away. Even if it's just for one night, please, please help me..."
"Nilia, I..." He took her by the hand, amazed by how much bigger it felt than his own. "I want to help you, but... I don't know if this is the right way to do it. I just..."
She lay down on top of him and touched her forehead to his, so that there was no distance separating them anymore. He could feel all of her; the warmth of her breath washing over his face, the weight of her body pressing down on him - heavy, but not unpleasant. He was completely encapsulated by her presence, their eyes so close he could actually feel her blinking.
"Mateo... If you don't want to do this, I won't force you. If you want me to stop... I'll understand."
"Nilia..." He couldn't take it anymore. He couldn't hold it back anymore. Because everything he felt, he always felt too much.
He kissed her - lightly... delicately... and his lips carried the answer that his voice could not.
He could feel her heart beating against his bare chest, oddly in time with his own. He could feel her sadness, her loneliness, her desperate need to be touched by a gentle hand. He could feel all these things because they were his feelings, too.
In the dark, they didn't need to hold back. In the dark, they didn't need to hide. In the dark, he could feel her response against his lips just as she had felt his answer on hers.
She was smiling. And although he couldn't see it, Mateo knew it was the most beautiful smile in the whole world.
He could feel it.
Remember the journal I posted a few months ago explaining the delay of Part 6? I talked about how I had to go back and change a certain event, and how that minor change led to a massive re-write. I said I'd point it out when I came to it, but the truth is, the actual change happened a few subchapters back. I Just couldn't comment on it at the time because I didn't want to draw too much attention to it. What was the change? What was the thing I travelled back in time for?
It was when Mateo took Nilia's hand. That was it. In the original version, he didn't drag her along to Ander's house. He went by himself, which meant that Nilia was still outside when the massive argument happened. I won't go too deeply into the Butterfly Effect on this one, but feel free to speculate on how differently (and boringly) things might have turned out. :)
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