Ander - Part 6: Subchapter 27
27
Mateo lay in the darkness, feeling the fuzziness of the bear pelt around his naked body, and stared up at the small circle of starlight above his head, playing the same thought over and over in his head, and that thought was: "_I'm_the slut..."
"Hmm?" Nilia shifted beside him and draped one of her long, muscular arms over his chest. "What was that?"
"I accused Kiana of being a slut for jumping into bed with a Wolf she's known less than a week, and then I go and jump into a bed with a Wolfess I've known less than a day!"
"So?" She leaned in and gave him a kiss on the cheek, although, when it came to Nilia, there really wasn't something as small as a 'kiss on the cheek'. It was more like a kiss on the left half of his face.
"So I'm a giant hypocrite!"
"So?"
"What do you mean, 'so'?"
"I mean 'so' as in why does it bother you?"
"Are you saying it doesn't bother you? What we did?"
"Why would it? You had an itch, I had an itch. We scratched each other's itches, and that's that."
"That's...? Wait, what do you mean 'that's that'!?" Mateo said, incredulous. "This, whatever this was, was most certainly not a 'that's that' kind of thing!"
"Then what kind of 'thing' was it?"
"I don't know! It was..." Mateo felt around in the darkness, letting his fingers trace the now familiar hills and valleys of her arm, and rested his hand on top of hers. "It meant something, didn't it? It wasn't just an 'itch', was it?"
Nilia pulled her hand back. "It was to me. But don't worry, you were an adequate scratcher, if that's what you're worried about."
"_That's_not what I'm worried about! Wait, what do you mean 'adequate'?"
He heard Nilia turn her back and felt the bear pelt pull tight. "Everyone's probably gone home by now. If you feel embarrassed for being a slut, you can sneak out if you want. I don't mind."
"Now wait just a minute! Are you kicking me out? Is that it? You use me as a living scratching post and shove me out the door?"
"Then stay. I don't care what you do, as long as you're quiet. I need sleep."
"But -"
"Goodnight, Mateo."
He lay there, completely frozen, his mouth agape and his eyes wide open, staring at the dark shape lying next to him. This behemoth of a woman, so infuriatingly confusing, was also one of the most ridiculously simple creatures he had ever met. "I can't believe this," he said. "I cannot freaking believe this."
"What?"
"You're doing it again."
"Doing what?"
"That thing you do. That thing you've been doing since you got here, and probably long before. That thing."
"Mateo, I swear to the Cora, if you don't shut up and let me get some sleep, I will -"
"You'll what? Jump my bones? Rip my throat out? Because it seems to be a coin toss with you."
"The second one."
"Really? Then go right ahead! Maybe you'll show some emotion, for the gods' sakes!"
"Are you still obsessed with that? Let it go, Mateo. It means nothing."
"It does too! Are you even listening to yourself? You're dismissing everything! You're going full statue mode again, and I hate that!"
"I don't care what you hate."
"There you go again! You pretend like you don't care about anything, but you do! You care a lot!"
"I care about sleep."
"You care about Ander."
Nilia did not move. She did not say anything. Even her breathing remained exactly the same. She did not react at all, and yet Mateo knew he had stepped over an invisible line. Once again, his mouth had outstripped his head by a mile. Now, he could either back off, sneak back home like a thief in the night with his tail tucked between his legs and hope she didn't end up going on a crazy killing spree somewhere down the line, or he could continue doing what he did best.
Being a jackass.
"Yeah, I said it! You like Ander, but you were too scared to make a move, and now that he's all shacked up with Kiana you just hate yourself for it, don't you? That's where your 'itch' came from, and that's why you needed me to help you 'scratch' it. I bet you thought about him the whole time, didn't you?"
Nilia didn't answer.
Mateo sensed he might be going a bit far, but he just couldn't stop himself. In his own, clumsy way, he had tried to help her, and for her to dismiss it all as an 'itch' hurt him on a level he's only been hurt once before.
"I'll tell you how it is, Nilia. I'll tell you exactly how it is. You're scared to feel anything. You're so scared you take it all and you push it deep down and you lock it away. But the thing is, Nilia, those feelings can't stay bottled up forever. Eventually they explode out, and you end up doing stuff like this."
"You didn't seem to mind."
"But I do mind!"
"Why?"
"Because you're hurting yourself!"
"Why do you care?"
"Because I care about you, okay!? I care about -" The absurdity of those words were not lost on him, and although they came blurting out of his mouth-hole like all the other detritus he spewed on a daily basis, he did not feel that instant pang of regret he normally associated with his hasty, emotional ranting. This felt different. This felt... right. "I... I care about you."
Nilia clicked her tongue. "No, you don't."
Oh for the love of all the gods she's still at it! "Yes, I do!" Mateo said. "Unlike you, I actually know how I feel and I'm not shy about shoving it in other people's faces!"
"And you hurt them in the process."
"Yes, I do, and I feel terrible about it afterwards. But you know what? Being with you tonight has taught me a valuable lesson about myself. Want to hear it?
"No."
"I'd rather be honest about the way I feel and then feel honestly crappy about it afterwards, than keep all those feelings bottled up only to let them fester inside, and then explode into a huge, sticky mess! Like what you're doing right now!"
"_You're_the one who exploded into a huge, sticky mess! Not me!"
"Nilia, I'm trying to be serious here!"
"Oh it's always just feelings feelings feelings with you!"
"Nilia!"
"What do you want me to say, Mateo? That I love you and I want to be mated with you and have a litter of little red rodent puppies? Get over yourself."
"This isn't about me, this about you and your stubborn refusal to feel anything about anything!"
"That's not true. Right now I'm feeling a whole lot of anger. At you."
"Then show me! Don't just lie there like some dead thing!"
"You mean like you did for the better part of the night?"
"Oh, hardy-har-har-har, that's a good one, but you can do a whole lot better. Come on, give me more. I can take it."
"Are you saying you want me to insult you?"
"Yes!"
"Is that a fetish of yours?"
"No! I want you to take all those festering feelings and get them out before you explode again!"
"I won't explode."
"Oh yes you will! And I bet it'll take a lot less the second time around! Oh, and by the way, it's kind of hard to move around when you've got two hundred pounds of woman pinning you to the floor! 'Dead thing', my ass..."
"Mateo, I have humoured you long enough. I have been nice, I have been patient, but I am tired. Go to sleep."
"The moment you start to feel something you push it down. I can actually see you do it, you know. It's this weird freaky little twitchy thing you do with your eyelids. Just how in the name of all that is holy can you keep doing that to yourself? I'd go crazy."
"Go to sleep!"
"I'll let you go to sleep when you emote a little! Come on! Yell at me! Do something! You can even slap me if you want! Just not too hard, okay? Hey, Nilia? Are you even listening? Hey! I know you're awake, so stop pretending! Oh, fer crying out loud, Nilia!" Mateo reached out and shook her by the shoulder, using all of his body weight to rock her back and forth. "I can keep this up all night!"
"Mateo..." Nilia grumbled. "I am deadly serious now. If you do not stop that, I will hurt you."
"Good! Do it!" Mateo huffed, shaking her as hard as he could. "If you want to blow up at someone, blow up at me! I'll take all of it! All those feelings you want to hide away so badly? Put them into me! I'll feel them for you!"
Nilia sat bolt upright, moving so quickly that her shoulder caught him a pretty hard blow right in the chin. He fell back, rubbing his jaw, and watched as the bear pelt slipped off her body and pooled in her lap. In the absolute darkness of the tent, she was little more than a shadow among shadows, but he could see the way her outline shifted with each heavy breath, could hear the soft growls coming from her throat with every exhale, could see her shoulders rise and fall.
He got up on his knees and spread his arms wide. "Come on, I'm right here. You want to yell at me? Yell at me! You want to slap me? Slap me! You want to punch me? Punch me! I'll take it all for you!" He beat his chest. "Come on! There's more than enough room in here! What are you waiting for!? Stop being such a coward! Stop bottling everything inside! If you don't want to feel those things anymore, put them in me! It's the one thing I'm good for! I'll feel your anger for you! I'll feel your hatred for you! I'll feel your sadness for you! I'll feel your loneliness for you! I'll feel your pain for you! I'll feel it all, leaving only the good for you. So please... Nilia..."
She was a pure black shadow, except for her eyes. He could see the way the pale light of the stars reflected inside their emerald depths, twinkling like fireflies. But then they closed and the light disappeared. Her breathing returned to normal and the growls died away.
"I'm sorry I bumped you," she said. "I'm going to sleep now."
Oh hell no.
Mateo did something then that he has never, ever done before, something that went so far against everything he believed in that he thought himself incapable of even considering it. Maybe that's why he was able to do it, because if he had stopped to consider it for even a second, the sheer weight of his stupidity would have been more than enough to stay him. But he didn't consider it. It just happened.
He raised his hand to a woman, and he slapped her in the face.
The sound of his palm connecting with her cheek was such a tiny thing, such a muffled thing, but it was louder than the twang of a crossbow string. It was louder than a coffin lid slamming shut. It was louder than the crack of shame echoing inside his mind. Even the silence that followed seemed loud, drowning out everything else. He was suffocating in it.
Oh dear gods, I did it again... I lost control and I did it again...
"Nilia..." he said. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to -"
Her eyes flew open and the dark green orbs that shone through the shadows were completely different to the emeralds of before, as if they belonged to a completely different person. These weren't the eyes of the sad Wolfess who had kissed him with her smile. These were the eyes of a wild animal.
A _furious_wild animal.
Mateo didn't see her move, but he sure as hell felt her vice-like fingers clamp around his throat. "Nil-" was all he could manage before she slammed him to the ground. A bright flash of pain exploded across the back of his head and suddenly she was on top of him, pinning him down with her weight, growling and snarling, squeezing his neck so hard he could feel her claws digging into his flesh.
"You want me to feel, Mateo?" she asked, her hot breath pushing against his face. "You want to know what happens when I feel? Huh?"
Mateo gasped for air, but it was no use. She was crushing his windpipe, making it so that not even the barest of trickles could get through.
The weight pressing down on him was immense. Was she always this heavy, or was she just being really careful not to hurt him before? Maybe he was losing strength. The world was slowly going away. He could feel himself blacking out, and it wasn't at all like blacking out from too much drinking. There was a strange throbbing inside his eyeballs, and his lips were starting to go numb and tingly. Little white dots appeared around the edges of his vision, swooping around, appearing and disappearing whenever he tried to look at them.
And then there was Nilia, silhouetted against the circle of night; a hulking black shadow, her hair spilling over her shoulders in messy tangles, her fangs bared and glinting with saliva. Her eyes were green fire.
"Is this what you wanted!?" she said, shaking in anger. "Is this what you wanted!?"
Mateo's fingers curled around her arm, her muscles like steel. "Nnn... Nnn..."
"This is what happens when I let it out, Mateo! Do you understand now!? My feelings get people hurt! My feelings get people killed!"
Her second hand joined the first, and the pressure around his throat doubled. The pain was... unlike anything he had ever experienced, and that's when he realised she was killing him. She was literally killing him.
He was dying.
"I have to be strong, Mateo!" she hissed into his face. "I have to lock it all away, otherwise all I can do is hurt the ones I care about! Ander and Hezzi, they nearly died because I was too weak to protect them, and I was too weak because I came to love them! I let my feelings get in the way of my strength, and my strength is the only thing that can do them any good! That's what they need! My strength! Not my love!"
It was getting darker, but... there was something there... something in the dark... What was that?
"Lana died because I was too angry to pay attention! The Chieftain died because I was too useless to serve him! My parents... my parents died because of my tears! I murdered them with my tears, Mateo! Do you know what my name means!?"
Her eyes... were they different? Did they change again? There was nothing else left, only those beautiful, green eyes... standing all alone in an ocean of blackness... such sad eyes... such sad, sad eyes...
"Never cry!" she yelled. "That's what my name means! Never cry! I was the only Wolf ever to name herself, because my parents weren't around to do it for me, because I killed them! I killed them by being weak! I murdered them with my tears! That's why I named myself Nilia! So I would never cry! Never cry! Never Cry! Never cry!"
Never cry... but then... why were those beautiful green eyes brimming with tears? Why could he see them in the darkness, shining like silver? Why... why was it such a sin to let them fall?
Maybe... if he could reach them, maybe if he could touch them, maybe he could take that sadness into himself. Yes... That would be okay. He didn't mind feeling that sadness. Just as long as those beautiful eyes could stop looking so sad.
He would take the tears.
He would cry for her.
He reached up, but he didn't know if he actually had a hand anymore. He could feel it, the weight of it, and he could feel the soft, slightly scratchy texture of something underneath his fingers. Was that her arm? He couldn't see. Everything had greyed out so much, he didn't even know where he was or even what he was. But he could see those eyes in the dark, those green eyes with the silver tears. If he could reach them... He just...
The first tear finally broke free. It moved through the infinite distance, getting closer and closer. It pushed the darkness aside with its silver glow until it was all that was left... that silver tear drop, perfectly round, its edges gleaming. It struck his eye and the lid closed on reflex, trapping it inside. He could feel it, hot and burning, stinging like a needle, struggling to get out. He opened his eye and it happened again. A tear fell from above, silver water from green fire. The sharp sting he felt as it broke upon the surface wasn't so bad, because he knew this pain wasn't really his. He was simply feeling it for the one who couldn't feel for herself, and he was crying for the one who couldn't cry for herself. So he let it flow.
It was good to let it out.
*
He was crying. She could see his tears tracing a line down the side of his face, glinting in the starlight like a blade in the dark, but there was something wrong here. Those weren't his tears. They were coming from somewhere else, somewhere... What was happening to her!?
Nilia knew this feeling. This hot, burning, nasally feeling that built up inside your face when the weakness got out of hand, but it had never been this strong, not since that night... that terrible night when the rain finally came...
No... no, please no...
She could feel them cutting her face apart, dragging their molten bodies across her cheeks, searing her flesh like fire.
She couldn't let it go any further, but it was already too late! They were out! They were out and she couldn't take them back!
No! NOOO!! I take them back! Please, I'm sorry! I take them back!
It was too late. They were loose, a physical manifestation of her sin, her weakness, her shame, and they were out for all the world to see. They were out to kill...
They dripped from her eyes and into Mateo's. She could see the faded blue light of the moon and the stars around his head, shining like a halo, and her own, monstrous shadow covering his face in darkness. Her tears had fallen into his eyes, and now he was crying them for her, just like he said he would.
His dead, staring eyes...
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