Ander - Part 6: Subchapter 28
28
Nilia gasped and jerked her hands away, her tears still flowing, dripping onto his silent face and running down his cheeks.
Again. She had done it again. She had killed him... She had murdered him with her own hands... her own tears...
"No... please, oh please, no..." She slapped herself, frantically trying to get the tears off her face as if they were a swarm of angry spiders, sinking their fangs into her flesh, injecting their venom into her blood.
No... if she wanted to get rid of these feelings, if she didn't want her tears to harm anyone ever again, she would have to cut them out at the source.
They were still dripping - those hateful, murderous tears. She would replace them with tears of blood. It wouldn't be enough to make up for all the blood they had already spilled, but it would be a start.
It would be a start.
She turned her hands over - her bloody, murderer's hands - and curled her fingers into vicious hooks. She would never cry again, because she was Nilia, and that name meant...
"Never cry..." She shut her eyes tight, but she could still feel those awful tears leaking out, escaping their prison. But no more. No more!
She placed the tips of her claws against her eyelids. She could feel her eyes moving in there, swivelling around, pushing against her fingers like dying fish. But even more than her eyes, she could feel them in there, hot and wet, the swarm of spiderlings still trapped in their eggsack, trying to bite their way out - her tears. Her deadly, poisonous tears...
"Never cry... Never cry..." she whispered, and slowly started to push her claws in. She felt them slide up between her eyeballs and the ridges of her eye sockets, straining against the thin layer of muscle and skin that made up her eyelids. There was hardly any pain at all as her claws started to pierce through. The pain caused by the tears themselves were worse, but she wouldn't have to feel it much longer. She would never cry again. She would live up to her name...
Mateo jerked beneath her body, his slight chest rising and falling rapidly as he gasped for air, sucking in big, whooping lungfuls of the stuff as fast as he could, making a noise like a strangled bullfrog in the process.
"Nnn... Nnnii..."
Through her hooked fingers, it felt like she was watching him through the bars of a cage. There was a single line of blood trickling form the corner of his mouth, just as the tears had run from his eyes. No, her tears.
He had cried her tears for her, just like he said he would, and the pain of her tears had nearly killed him.
"Mateo?"
"Nil...?" He didn't say it so much as he breathed it, letting his lips and tongue form the proper sounds.
"I... I'm so sorry..." It was just like last time, the regret and sadness and guilt devouring her from the inside. If only she could make it right again... If only she could lie down with him like before, hug him against her body and feel him try to get his small arms all the way around her in return. If only she could touch his face. If only she could look into those tear streaked eyes and tell him how sorry she was and have it actually mean something. But 'sorry' was just a word, and couldn't do anyone any good.
"Nilia?" He reached for her. He reached for her face with trembling fingers. Did he want his revenge? Did he want to choke her back? Did he want to slap her again? She would let him do all these things and more to balance the scales. But first...
She had to stop the tears.
"I'm sorry!" She took a deep, hitching breath, steeling herself for what she was about to do. She plunged her claws into the hard, bony region just beneath her eyebrows and raked them dow-
Mateo grabbed her by the wrists. His grip was so weak and the pull of his arms was so light, but it was the fact that he was trying to pull at all that made Nilia stop.
Blood flowed from the puncture marks in her brow and mixed with her tears, melting the world into a blur of black and red, but she could still feel his hands around her wrists, pulling as hard as he could.
"Mateo?"
"You really are crazy..." he croaked, turning his head to the side. He coughed and blood splattered onto the bear pelt in fine droplets, staining its fur an even deeper shade of black.
He still had tears in his eyes. Her tears. She could see them swimming in there, slowly birthing more and more to flow down his face...
"Let go of me."
"No."
"I said let go of me!"
"No."
"Gargh!" She ripped her arms loose and scrambled to her feet. She had to get out of here. She didn't care if she had to run naked into the forest, she didn't care if she had to bury herself in snow, she didn't care if she got lost in the dark and never made her way back. There was nothing here for her except the happiness of others. There was nothing here except for things that made her want to cry.
And the half-conscious Fox holding onto her ankle.
"Let go of me!" Nilia almost wailed. It was getting harder and harder to keep going. Just taking a breath without it turning into a pitiful sob was a struggle in itself.
Mateo, lacking the power to speak, simply shook his head.
"By the Cora, Mateo, you stupid..." Nilia pulled her leg back, thinking the moron would at least be smart enough to let go, but he refused, and ended up being dragged along the floor, crumpling up the bear pelt beneath his body. With her eyes burning, leaking blood and tears, Nilia bent down and pried his fingers loose, but he immediately grabbed hold of her wrist again, his small hand squeezing down with panicky tightness.
"Let go... Let go... Let go, let go LET GO you son of a bitch!" And now there was snot dripping from her nostrils, like a child. This was no way for a warrior to behave, not even a warrior without a people. She couldn't bear the way this Fox was looking at her, staring at her with those eyes filled with her tears... her sinful tears. She could break free so easily. She could twist his hand around and snap his arm. She could bring her fist down into his face. She could bend his thumb back until it made that soft popping noise that always made the youngbloods back home scream and scream. She could do any of those things. But those eyes... She didn't want to hurt him again. She didn't want to make him feel any more pain than she had already forced upon him.
Mateo shook his head, licked his dry lips - there was blood on his tongue - and said, "No, I can't let go." His voice sounded dry and crackly, like leaves in autumn.
"Why not?"
"Because you're not done yet."
"What?"
She felt him tug on her wrist, and she allowed herself to sit down, wondering what on earth this crazy Fox was trying to do when he could barely speak.
Maybe I should call for Bethany-kai. Maybe she's still around somewhere. Maybe after I endure whatever punishment they give me, I can go into the mountains. I can live alone. Maybe then I won't have to worry about staying strong, because there won't be anyone around for me to hurt with my tears. That's all I can do. I can either be a statue, or I can hurt everyone around me. That's all there is... That's all I am...
New tears formed in the corners of her eyes and slipped down the tracks created by their forebears, sickly warm.
"See?" Mateo croaked. "I told you... you're not done..."
To Nilia's horror, Mateo started to get up. "N-No, wait, Mateo, you shouldn't do that! Stay still! I'll get Bethany-kai, so stop moving! Stop -"
He leaned against her body, his fur so much softer and sleeker than any Wolf's, wrapped his arms around her, and rested his head on her shoulder.
"I told you..." he whispered in her ear. "That I would feel everything for you. Everything you bottle up inside, you can let it out through me. I will feel your pain for you, and I will cry your tears for you. That way, you'll stay you and I'll stay me. So it's okay. It doesn't count."
"It... doesn't count?"
"None of it does. You're not the one crying. I am. So it's okay to let it out."
She could feel the warmth of his tears seeping into her shoulder, or was that hers? She didn't even know whose tears were falling from whose eyes anymore. But she did know that, coming from him, they felt different. They didn't burn.
"But... But I hurt you?"
"That was just me feeling your pain for you."
"But... but you can't -"
He held her tightly, slowly rubbing his hand up and down her back, and as he cried into her shoulder, Nilia realised that he could. He was.
She returned his embrace, being very careful not to squeeze him too hard, and suddenly the tears leaking from her own eyes didn't hurt anymore. She could still feel them flowing down her cheeks, but they didn't feel as heavy as before.
Was this really happening? Was he really... 'helping' her cry? Was he really taking all her sadness and grief and feeling it for her? Feeling it so she wouldn't have to?
Was such a thing even possible?
Nilia couldn't say for sure. She had spent almost her whole life actively avoiding emotion of all kinds. She had built a solid wall around her heart, stone by stone, not to keep everyone else out, but to keep herself locked in, where she couldn't hurt anyone. But now... she could imagine that wall crumbling apart. She could see it when she closed her eyes, full of cracks and holes. There was something in there, moving in the shadows, and she was deathly afraid.
"I don't know if I can do this..." she whispered.
"It's okay. I'll feel your fear for you, too, so you can be brave."
Maybe it was just wishful thinking, but hearing those words did make her feel... not brave (not yet, at least), but less afraid. Maybe that would be enough.
Maybe... maybe she could finally face the monster inside her heart.
"I was six summers old," she whispered, the taste of blood and tears heavy on her lips, "when I killed my parents..."
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