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It cost a month of my shitty income, but the price was well worth it; a new desktop computer system. Not only could I play my favorite video games and play high-definition lesbo porn on YiffHub, but the new software let me perform my most favorite of hobbies: trolling.

An outsider looking into my squalid little apartment would see the same thing I did; dirty laundry on the floor, fast food bags, maybe a few roaches, and a bedroom occupied by a loser wolf. I didn’t go outside, barely had a decently-paying job, as well as family I didn’t talk to on a regular basis. No prospects for the future either. I’d never had a girlfriend, didn’t have sex unless I could cough up $1,000 per hour, and lived a deplorable existence. Even the trailer trash thought I lived like trash.

The only thing that gave me any semblance of joy anymore was taking it from others. As long as I made other mammals’ lives worse, in the end, I could sleep better know someone was more miserable than me.

So, I trolled. I didn’t discriminate by discriminating. Sitting at my desk, sipping my latest Munster energy drink, and already finished with my most grueling shift, I got to work. I manned random social media accounts that spouted the vilest, most speciesist, anti-herbivore, anti-gay, and uber-sexist of posts. A bot posted them every minute and I just needed to sit back and drink to the angry reactions in the comments below.

However, tonight would be special. It had been a week or so since the founder of RainbowHaven.com, an LGBT resources website and forum as old as the internet, passed away. Of course, I couldn’t give a rat’s ass—sapient or feral—if some old Mr. Rogers nobody kicked the bucket, but that didn’t stop the gays and lesbos from posting all over social media about. They went on and on and on about it like the President had been assassinated while taking a shit in the White House.

At least the dead guy’s security didn’t compare to such. I got in so easily, then decided to have my fun. I breached the website, took control of Rainbow Haven’s social media sites, then did my thing. On social media, using the seized handles, I posted depraved posts, comments, threads promoting The A$$holes, several dictators, and cryptocurrency/donation links. Already, I was beginning to make several thousand dollars. Never had I gotten such a boner from seeing so much money appear.

My grin wouldn’t sink. Not as I saw thousands of comments appear below the posts, as the site’s new owners scrambled to kick me out, or as the whole fiasco started trending online. If I could access the private information on the website, I wondered if I could run even further scams to be set for life. Speaking of which…

That night, I decided to spend some extra money on myself. Using my budgeted checking account, I went to an expensive delivery app and purchased a deluxe pizza for myself. No more discount ramen noodles for a while. I planned to eat like a king, and I did. By the time the deliveryman arrived at the apartment block, I slumbered downstairs in my undies, gave him a tip in the form of a twenty-dollar bill I’d planned to use for gas, then sauntered upstairs with the delicious-smelling pizza box in both paws. Yeah, I planned to eat like a king. And by the end of the night, once the scam money went into my checking account, I’d live like a king too.

Unfortunately, that wasn’t what happened. After devouring half the pizza, I went back inside the bedroom to check on my computer. What I saw onscreen made me freeze.

“Shit, shit, shit, shit!” I growled. “No, this can’t be fuckin’ happening!”

The online account where all the scam money accumulated in. It was frozen by the bank admins, stopping at just around two-hundred thousand dollars. The notice cited illegal activities up to and including fraud, extortion, etc.

The rest of my expensive pizza went cold in the living room as I frantically sent email after email, saying the suspicions of fraud weren’t true. I called the bank’s phone number too. Nobody answered. Not even after I left a voicemail filled with enough swear words to fill a phone book. Then, to make matters much worse, I didn’t notice that the phone number calling me back did not match the same area code as the bank’s phone number.

Like a real mouth-breathing idiot, I believed it belonged to the bank. Like an idiot, I confirmed my P.O. box address, my debit card, and social security number. Then, I did the most idiotic of things by confirming what my name was. Hey, they sounded professional.

A couple of hours later, the damage had been done. Not even several minutes after I ended the fall, feeling confident that the more than a quarter of a million dollars would be soon mine, karma struck. Suddenly, my phone started pinging. It was my folks, demanding to know why I had linked several lesbian porn sites to them and our extended family on my personal MuzzleScroll account. I missed several calls from them, but got the message well enough, and tried taking back the account to no avail. Then, I started getting even more messages that flooded my email account, and soon, every second I received hateful messages. In my inbox, on my locked out MuzzleScroll account, and everywhere else I went online.

The following morning, I woke up half-asleep to find my phone still exploding with pinging messages. Then, I defeatedly returned to MuzzleScroll to find a final post on my still-locked account. Unlike the previous posts, it happened to be typed formally.

This message is to the one responsible for the hacking of RainbowHaven.com and to his family, friends, and loved ones, however few will continue to exist in the following days.

Several days ago, one of the oldest and most treasured of LGBTQ+ websites lost its creator to health complications. His death has affected so many across the community, both online and in real life. However, it was the owner of this account who thought it would be a hilarious joke to not only hack into his personal accounts, but to deface the cherished website and scam unaware users and donators out of an estimated $250-300 thousand dollars. Not only is this a vile act against the memory of a man whose website had connected and served as a hub for many members of the LGBT community, but this immature young man thought it would be a great idea to affiliate himself with both The A$$holes as well as re: Sonance. It won’t come as a shock to anyone that neither hacktivist group condones this behavior.

Luckily, Rainbow Haven is back in the hands of its current admins and owners. No private data has been compromised, but the same cannot be said for the bad actor. Thus, The A$$holes and re: Sonance as a whole would like to send a message.

From a representative of The A$$holes, “Our longstanding motto is ‘Providing high-quality entertainment for the cogs in the machine since 2003’. We believe in a good hack and complicated prank as much as the next online idiot. But this was neither a good hack nor a complicated prank. As a longtime A$$hole, I can say you are pathetic. You don’t bother to hide your tracks well, a laughable sense of security, and I’ve seen more creative script kiddies in a middle school computer class. You’re just another preteen mammal behind a computer who thinks screaming ‘faggot’ into a void makes you the Shakespeare of comedy. If you were worried if posting A$$holes memes and redirecting Rainbow Haven to one of our forums would make you an accepted member, you don’t need to worry. You’re not one of us, period.”

And from the word of Themis, leader of re: Sonance, “Rainbow Haven isn’t just a safe haven for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, questioning, intersex, asexual, and other members of the queer community. It is a memorial and time capsule. At the time that Rainbow Haven was created and founded, the first new users on its forum lived in a world where nationwide gay marriage only existed as an idea. It had only been a little over than a year after the U.S. Supreme Court decided that queer Americans had a right to the same privacy as mammals in a straight relationship did. Gay marriages weren’t recognized by the federal government yet. Some mammals could get fired from their jobs or be denied housing for straying too far from the closet. Rainbow Haven’s first forum users documented their own lives, connected with other people, shared their struggles, their joys, and their hopes for the future. And in this online community, people traded artwork, stories, and music. They built longstanding friendships, created their own families, fell in love. They connected with other members of the queer community across the globe, forged bonds that cannot be broken.

“This mammal didn’t just hack a website. He tried hacking away memories. He tried silencing millions of voices while thinking he could make money from it. Well, too bad for him. As this post is being written, the new owners of Rainbow Haven have already released a statement. The website is back in their paws and returned to normal. However, the hacker’s life will never return to normal, and I can expect police will be speaking to him soon.”

Enjoy the fruits of your labor.

Sincerely, re: Sonance and The A$$holes

KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!

I glanced wearily to my apartment door.