Alphys' Modern Life (Chapter 4)
NO MORE THAN HALF AN HOUR LATER...
"What's the matter, sweetie-pie?" Toriel curiously asked Alphys, who had just recently regained consciousness fifteen minutes ago and was already busy frantically rummaging through the many, many equipment drawers in her lab for what she liked to call a grink (size-alteration) ray.
"I just recieved a message of impending doom from Mettaton no less than five minutes ago! He told me that he's gotten his hands on one of my grink rays, used it to grow himself to freaking Godzilla size, and is now completely wrecking shop in New Home City as we speak!" Alphys stammered nervously in terror, jittering about in a fit of anxiety as she finally dug her grink ray out from one of her desk drawers, bolted right out the front door and took the local Hotland elevator system straight up into New Home without even saying another word.
"Well, I guess we have to follow her now..." Undyne and Papyrus groaned as the former pulled a rather interesting single-buttoned remote-control device that she had found lying around in another one of Alphys' desk drawers out from her left jeans pocket and hit the big red button on it!
"What the heck?! A big and shiny red button that actually DOESN'T cause something utterly horrible and disastrous to happen?! OH, THE HUMANITY!" Papyrus gasped and sobbed in childlike wonderment and amazement as the button caused a very large secret hatch in the ground at the intersection between Alphys' front door and the Waterfall border to open up, revealing a jet-black surveillance helicopter that Alphys had secretly hidden down there just in case of...emergencies?
"Oh, who the hell cares what its stupid arbitrary purpose is, let's just hop in and ask questions later!" Undyne laughed as her and the wholeheartedly agreeing Papyrus hopped inside and turned the Mew-Mew-themed (because after all, why wouldn't it be?) ignition key.
A FEW MINUTES LATER, IN NEW HOME CITY...
"YES! Monetizing the rampant, utterly senseless destruction of beautiful and innocent civilizations of my own kind for literally no reason other than the wonderful benefit of the sheer level of public exposure I'm going to be getting has NEVER been so unbelievably SATISFYING!" Mettaton laughed maniacally as he kicked down yet another small animal orphanage with his gargantuan stilettos, adding even further onto his previously tallied total of no less than SIX.
"Hey, METAL-FACE, how's it going? Haven't seen YOU in quite a while!" Alphys grew herself to equally massive size with her grink ray and growled very angrily at Mettaton, bitch-slapping him in the face so incredibly hard that several bolts flew out and ended up busting several holes in a nearby maximum-security prison building upon landing.
"And neither have I, for that matter! Have you ever considered the potential possibility of THAT?" Mettaton growled back at her, lurching forward and kicking her right in the nutsack.
"OWWW...for God's sake, why did you decide to do this, Mettaton?" Alphys sighed, kneeling down and clutching her crotch in agonizing pain as Mettaton lunged forward and kneed her right in the face.
"Because I CAN!" Mettaton laughed as he plucked an attacking military-class helicopter (thankfully not Undyne's and Papyrus') out of the air and scarfed it down like a pig. "Because making LITTLE people like you and the MORONS who run this place eat out of the palm of my hand JUST FEELS GREAT!"
"BUT WE NEVER EVEN FREAKING DID ANYTHING TO YOU!" Alphys yelled lividly at him, grabbing one of the remaining support beams of a nearby destroyed building and brandishing it threateningly while Mettaton did the exact same in response.
"Yeah, but you WOULD have, if I had only given you the CHANCE!" Mettaton laughed arrogantly as him and Alphys engaged in a fierce two-handed swordfight with each other.
"FACE it, monsters, I'M SMARTER THAN YOU!" Mettaton laughed dementedly as he smashed Alphys right in the ribs with his support beam, prompting Alphys to then immediately do the same.
"Oh, CONGRATU-FREAKING-LATIONS, you're ALMOST as smart as I am, which apparently to you means SMARTER!" Alphys jeered sarcastically at him, rolling her eyes as she grabbed Mettaton by his ludicrously square shoulders and kneed him right in the crotch.
"But...I had such an indescribably genius evil plan...one that I thought literally COULDN'T be foiled..." Mettaton whimpered in pain as Alphys lunged straight into him and shoved him through several very tall apartment buildings, causing all three of them to topple over like architectural dominoes.
"Oh, yeah, SURE, you freaking hate everyone and everyone hates you back! GODDAMNED GENIUS, AM I RIGHT?!" Alphys screamed furiously at him, kneeling atop his chest and brutally smashing his face with a rapid, alternating stream of passionate maximum-force punches.
"Well, at least I don't have an INCREDIBLY OBVIOUS FREAKING WEAK SPOT!" Mettaton laughed snidely as he lifted up Alphys' glasses and poked her right in the eyeballs with his fingers, causing the poor girl to topple head-over-heels onto the ground and wail in pain as Mettaton grabbed her by the tail and began swinging her around and around in a massive dizzying circle, destroying literally every building around him in the process.
"RUN, IT'S BOWZILLER!" Nice Cream Guy screamed, running for dear life with his precious ice-cream stand in tow while his brother Burgerpants followed along very closely behind him.
"But due to international copyright laws, it's NOT!" Burgerpants pointed out, looking behind him and shaking in terror as Mettaton's spinning-around progressively became faster and faster.
"Still, though, we should run like it IS Bowziller!" Nice Cream Guy screamed in horror.
Meanwhile, Mettaton's spinning motion became so fast that it was almost breaking the sound barrier, causing Alphys to become sick to her stomach and accidentally throw up all over a nearby child orphanage.
"SO LONG, GAY WEEABOO!" Mettaton laughed heartily as he finally let go of Alphys' tail and threw her right through the Underworld Trade Center and into a nearby cesspool about ten miles away!
Meanwhile, while Alphys was busy reeling back and forth from her newfound dizziness and Mettaton was equally busy with the act of violently tearing through every single building that stood in his way, Asriel had an idea...a horrible, awful, won-
"THAT'S A WONDERFUL IDEA!" Asriel laughed maniacally as he used his magical levitation powers to fly directly into the unaware Alphys' right ear while she stumbled aimlessly about.
Once inside the ear canal, Asriel immediately spotted one of many disgustingly large patches of tiny little blue mushrooms growing in very oddly specific areas of Alphys' nastily thick layers of earwax.
"Hmm, I wonder what kind of hallucinogenic effect eating THESE will have on me?" he thought to himself, picking out several of them from their waxy dwelling and shoveling them into his mouth.
SOMETHING LIKE TWENTY SECONDS LATER...
"Oh, how can I ever find the courage to truly repay you for your ever-so-glorious deeds, my beloved Shield Knightress?" Shovel Knight playfully teased his beloved girlfriend Shield Knight as the two of them finally reached the very end of the fabled Tunnel Of Love and disembarked from their canoe.
"Pass your gallantly noble tongue over my marvelously heroic shield, and everything you could ever possibly want to know will immediately be revealed to you." Shield Knight explained, holding her shield directly in front of Shovel Knight's face so that he could proceed with the licking.
"Okay, first of all, what's my name?" Shovel Knight asked as he took off his helmet, revealing a gray robotic head with black hair, blue eyes and a red baseball cap with a silver plate that read CURLYBRACE on the front of it, and promptly began licking Shield Knight's shield like a total idiot...which he was.
"Quote. And mine is Curly Brace, just so you know." Shield Knight replied, removing her own helmet and revealing a pale-white robotic head with gorgeous, golden-blonde hair and blue eyes just like Quote's.
"And most importantly, why in the actual seven hells am I licking your goddamned SHIELD right now?" Quote asked Curly rather inquisitively, despite the fact that he wasn't supposed to be able to speak in the first place.
"This isn't my shield, Quote. This is Jack's eardrum, Quote; this is Jack's eardrum. You're on MUSHROOMS, Quote!" Curly Brace reminded Quote as he suddenly slipped back into focus and-
"EWWW, YUCK!" Asriel cringed in disgust at the mere thought of the fact that he had just literally made out with Alphys' eardrum as he stuck out his tongue and began scraping the gooey, hairy wax off of it with his hands.
"Hmm, I wonder what's going on in there?" Alphys thought to herself, publicly forgetting her manners and digging deeply into her ear with her finger in an attempt to fish the intruder out.
"OH, NO YOU DON'T!" Asriel laughed uproariously as he morphed into his Flowey form, burrowed his way through Alphys' inner ear and headed straight for her central nervous system.
FIVE SECONDS LATER...
"I'M AN ALBATROSS! I'M AN ALBATROSS! I'm flap-flap-flapping my albatross wings, flap-flap-flapping my albatross WINNNGS!" Alphys walked around aimlessly and flapped her arms up and down like a mentally challenged hummingbird while Undyne and Papyrus busted out laughing; meanwhile, as it turned out, Flowey had already reached her brain and was right about to go inside!
"Alphys, what in the hell is going on in your head right now?" Mettaton asked Alphys curiously, cocking an eyebrow suspiciously at her while Flowey burrowed his way directly into her brain!
"I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT, SHORT AND STOUT!" Alphys loudly and dizzily sang to herself as she twirled around on her tiptoes, tripped over literally nothing (since Flowey had just recently traveled right through her extremely delicate semicircular canals) and came crashing down onto the ground, her eyes cartoonishly swirling in a daze as Flowey morphed himself back into goat form and took his seat in front of Alphys' massive central control supercomputer.
"Hmm, let's see...multiple keyboards, a whole multitude of levers and buttons, a microphone for controlling her speech, thousands of different potential commands I could select...OOH, WHAT DOES THIS BIG SHINY YELLOW THING DO?!" Asriel squeed with perverse delight as he recklessly slammed his finger onto Alphys' bright yellow, painfully obvious URINATE button!
"ARF! ARF! WOOF!" Alphys squatted down on all fours, wagged her tail and barked like a dog as she lifted up her left leg and let loose a thick, salty stream of piss all over a poor innocent cosplayer down below.
"MOTHER OF GOD...JUST WHEN I THOUGHT THAT MY FIRE-HYDRANT COSTUME COULDN'T POSSIBLY BE MADE ANY MORE ACCURATE..." the cosplayer moaned with delight, gratuitously lathering the nasty yellow liquid all over himself with his left hand while jerking off with his right.
"Are...are you DONE yet?" Mettaton sighed, facepalming himself and blushing deeply in second-hand embarrassment while Alphys crawled around in circles and chased after her own tail.
"Why would I already be DONE when I'm clearly having so much freaking FUN in here?!" Asriel laughed uproariously through the microphone as he magically produced a modern-day copy of George Michael's world-famous WHAM album out of thin air with a mere snap of his fingers and eagerly inserted the disk into Alphys' disk drive, selecting the epically cheesy and eternally fabulous masterpiece of a song known only as Careless Whisper and setting the lyrics to WHATEVER'S ON HER MIND as he smugly kicked back in his chair and crossed his legs, summoning a tub of popcorn as he let the computer do all the rest of the dirty work for him.
"Oh, for the love of God, would somebody please just KILL me?" Mettaton sighed and shrugged in utter humiliation as Alphys ran up to him, wrapped her arms lovingly around him and kissed him passionately on the lips while the world's sexiest saxophone solo immediately began echoing all around the general area, causing him to blush so hard that several of the blood-vessel wires in his face broke, causing him to shriek in pain while Alphys moaned in arousal.
"I feel so awkward...as I kiss your lips and realize I'm such a nerd!" Alphys sang in a shockingly beautiful voice as she locked her hands tightly together with Mettaton and began dancing the tango with him while everyone around them simply gawked in dumbfounded astonishment.
"Such a lonely girl...such a lonely world...calls to mind experiments, and all their sad results!" Alphys sang deeply as she and Mettaton twirled around gorgeously with their outstretched hands tightly interlocked; basically, you can imagine how the rest of the dance went from there.
"I'm never gonna tell the truth; the evidence is reaching the roof! Though it pains me horribly, I keep it locked inside! I should've known better than to recklessly inject so many folks with DT!
So I'm never gonna be a star, the way you always are!" Alphys sang, accidentally crushing numerous vehicles beneath her massive dinosaur soles as she danced to and fro with Mettaton, her guilty feet clearly lacking the proper rhythm to avoid causing such sad and unfortunate mishaps.
"DAMN, she's good!" Undyne gasped in amazement, covering her mouth with her hands and blushing enviously.
"WHY, BONER, WHY?!" Papyrus wailed as his raging ecto-boner began fiercely sticking out.
"I will always fear...the careless mistakes of my career! Bodies intertwined; disagreeing minds!
They don't even know they're real; pain is ALL they feel!" Alphys cried, lifting Mettaton's left leg up and bending him over backwards in the loving embrace of her arms.
"I'm never gonna tell the truth; the evidence is reaching the roof! Though it pains me horribly, I keep it locked inside! I should've known better than to recklessly inject so many folks with DT!
So I'm never gonna be a star, the way you always are!" Alphys sang as she lovingly brushed and picked out the numerous helicopters and airplanes that had gotten stuck in Mettaton's hair.
"AL-PHYS! AL-PHYS! AL-PHYS! AL-PHYS!" a massive crowd of rabid fanboys standing about a third of a mile over to the west of the dance began chanting loudly through megaphones.
"METTA-TON! METTA-TON! METTA-TON!" another equally massive crowd of even rabid-er fangirls standing about a quarter of a mile over to the east of the dance began chanting even more ear-piercingly loudly through their own rather unnecessarily MTT-brand megaphones.
"Tonight the fans are screaming loud! I wish that we could lose this crowd! Maybe it's better this way, without me nagging you about my anime! I could have been a Mary Sue! Instead I was a weeaboo! A sad amalgamation of...geek tropes!" Alphys sobbed as she and Mettaton both moonwalked away from each other in opposite directions and did the anti-gravity lean directly toward each other, colliding with each other's eagerly awaiting lips in a great big sexy kiss.
"And I'm never gonna tell the truth; the evidence is reaching the roof! Though it pains me horribly, I keep it locked inside! I should've known better than to recklessly inject so many folks with DT! So I'm never gonna be a star, the way you always are!" Alphys sobbed, wrapping Mettaton tightly in her arms and nuzzling his gorgeously handsome face with her snout.
"It's...so...freaking...BEAUTIFUL..." Undyne burst into tears of joy and huddled together with Papyrus to comfort him, what with all of the countless tears of pure sadness that the song was making him shed.
"Now that they've gone...now that they've gone...(now that they've gone)
was what I did so wrong?! So wrong?! That they had to leave me alone?!" Alphys cried as she ripped a massive tree out of the ground as a substitute for flowers before finally collapsing onto her hands and breaking out into a fit of sobbing while Mettaton snuck up behind her, kneeled down humiliatedly onto the ground and lovingly, shamelessly screwed her in both tailholes.
A FEW MINUTES LATER...
"I love you so much, Mettaton." Alphys whispered in Mettaton's ear as the two of them shrunk themselves back down to normal size, hugged each other warmly, and gave Asriel one big high-five each.
"I love you too, Alphys." Mettaton reluctantly admitted as the local law enforcement officers surrounded him on all sides.