Alphys' Modern Life: Camera Shy (Chapter 6)
THE NEXT MORNING, IN THE LOCAL VIDEO STORE AT MTT RESORT IN HOTLAND...
"Like, GREETINGS, loyal customer-dudes! What, like, totally RADICAL things have you brought us THIS time, may I ask?" Royal Guard 1 asked Undyne and Papyrus as they walked right in through the front door and plopped their video camera right down onto the counter, with Alphys in tow.
"Something intellectually stimulating and sexually arousing, I presume? You know how much I LOVE that type of stuff..." Royal Guard 2 whispered slyly into Undyne's ear, flickering his tongue for emphasis.
"Oh, but of COURSE!" Papyrus laughed heartily, walking behind the counter without permission and wrapping his arms around both of the Royal Guards. "Only the BEST for our stalwart warrior friends!"
"Gee, how incredibly flattering..." Royal Guard 2 sighed and blushed awkwardly.
"So, uhh...anyway, what type of stuff are you allowed to do with the video submissions here?" Undyne asked Royal Guard 1 curiously, with numerous dirty thoughts already swimming through her head.
"Oh, that's simple! We just, like, take all of your clips and painstakingly, like, mix them all together into one of the most, like, totally FABULOUS things you'll ever see!" Royal Guard 1 laughed triumphantly, patting Undyne on the back and nodding his head in approval.
"OOH, OOH! Does it also feature goofy sound effects, over-the-top porn music and comically pretentious lyrics as well?" Papyrus asked giddily, raising his hand and jumping up and down like a schoolkid.
"With, like, totally whipped NICE CREAM on top!" both of the Royal Guards laughed, waving their arms up in the air flamboyantly as Undyne and Papyrus began digging into their wallets.
"That'll be twenty dollars and fifteen cents worth of gold, please!" Royal Guard 2 informed them as Undyne pulled 2015 gold from her wallet and handed it over to him while Papyrus suddenly remembered at just about the worst possible moment that he wasn't actually carrying a wallet at the moment.
"Um...guys? Are you SURE that this music video of yours is going to be...how do I say this...something my PARENTS would REALLY want to see?" Alphys poked her head up over the countertop and stammered nervously, hoping very dearly that Undyne and Papyrus hadn't been spying on the one-night stand that she had just had with Toriel the night before.
"Oh, it'll be, like, totally FABULOUS!" Royal Guard 1 laughed, swinging his hand down like a caf paw.
"TUBULAR!" Royal Guard 2 chuckled, wrapping his arm gently around Royal Guard 1 and patting him on the shoulder, remembering how these were all words that they had used to describe their current lives as gay porn stars.
"DELIGHTFUL!" Royal Guard 1 crooned excitedly, putting his hands over his cheeks and vibrating intensely with eager anticipation of what he and his brother were about to make together.
"And most importantly of all, INSIGHTFUL!" Royal Guard 2 pointed out, patting Alphys on the head reassuringly as the two of them waved their hands as if saying goodbye to their new customers.
"Yeah, uh...I don't KNOW..." Alphys trembled nervously, drumming her fingers together in dreadful anticipation of what these two were obviously going to end up making of her; a totally blatant porn film, through and through. (She WAS arguably the hottest character in the game, after all.)
"Oh, don't worry about it, little man, there's always room for second takes!" Royal Guard 1 laughed and giggled nervously, patting Alphys on the back and booping her nose.
"As long as you've got another $10000 worth of gold, that is!" Royal Guard 2 laughed, pinching a large nugget of gold between his fingers and eyeing it suspiciously while Alphys and company turned right around and left the store without even saying another word.
"Aww, but I had, like, so many sweet and delicious complimentary LOLLIPOPS that I wanted to, like, give them! Man, what a total, like, bummer, dude, am I right?" Royal Guard 1 sighed.
"You got that right, brother; you got that right! AWW, C'MERE, PAL!" Royal Guard 2 laughed and cried as the two of them both kneeled down onto the floor and hugged each other tightly, bursting into tears from the fact that they would never see their families again in the process.
A FEW HOURS LATER...
The Royal Guard duo (no, not Undyne and Papyrus) had just finally finished making their latest remix video out of Alphys' recent home videos, many of which were ironically very family-unfriendly and often quite lewd despite the fact that they were supposed to be for her parents.
Sure enough, the background music was Another Medium, because the two of them simply could not find even ONE other song in the Undertale soundtrack that sounded more profoundly like porn music.
And of course, the video's premiere was being shown in an otherwise unassuming rec room down in the basement of the MTT resort, with beatniks and hipsters rapidly filling the tables.
"Man, like...you know how whenever I smoke, I always make the weirdest of facial expressions?" Burgerpants asked Nice Cream Guy with a smug, troll-faced grin as he lit up his cigar and blew a huge puff of smoke all over the poor bunny-dude's face.
"Dude, you're literally ALWAYS freaking smoking!" Nice Cream Guy reminded him angrily, slamming his palms onto the table for emphasis.
"EXACTLY!" Burgerpants laughed like a madman as his lungs withered and fell off, causing him to choke to death and collapse head-over-heels onto the floor while clutching his neck in agony.
"Eh, good riddance..." Nice Cream Guy sighed, gently lifting his coffee mug up off of the table where he was sitting and smugly sipping it without even a care in the world as the show began.
Right from the get-go, the mad techno beats that Hotland had always been famous for immediately filled the room, soaking it with cum, I mean, atmosphere as the video immediately kicked off with the very first scene of the story...you know, the part where Alphys made love to her own Cthulhu-dog.
"Life...is but a dream...of vice...and glorious sin..." the Royal Guards whispered as Alphys lovingly french-kissed Endogeny and rolled around (overly) excitedly on the ground with him.
"Thus...in order to survive...we must...join the disease..." they whispered as Undyne and Papyrus played yet ANOTHER lyrical arrangement of Bonetrousle, with Papyrus using poor little Alphys as an accordion while Undyne offensively reinforced several infamous Mexican stereotypes.
"Alas, it's too late to redeem ourselves..." they sang as Endogeny licked Alphys' feet, followed by Alphys licking Toriel's and Asgore's, and then finally Alphys and Toriel licking each other's.
"This fandom is headed down a slippery slope..." they sang as Alphys, Undyne, Papyrus and Toriel skiied down the side of the tallest mountain in Snowdin.
"They must learn that their mistakes snowballed..." they sang as Alphys, Undyne, Papyrus and Toriel all ended up collapsing together into one giant snowball and rolling down the mountain.
"Everything is sexualized in spades..." they sang as giantess Alphys danced romantically with giant Mettaton in the middle of what was basically New York City while singing Careless Whisper.
"Although every cloud may have its silver lining..." they sang as Alphys and Toriel ate Papyrus' spaghetti together and french-kissed each other Lady-And-The-Tramp-style once they were finished.
"That still doesn't excuse the fact that you freaking people are an insult to every single good fandom that ever existed!" they sang together while Alphys kinkily f#% ed Toriel in her bed.
"You're exactly why people hate this game!" they sang as Alphys and Toriel gave each other simultaneous footjobs.
"There's no telling what you will make next!" they sang as Alphys literally blacked out from the sheer force and physical law-defiance of the infamous rollercoaster that she was riding with Toriel.
"Everything is but an excuse for you to let loose all of your fetishes on us! For shame!" they sang as Alphys barefootedly brushed and scrubbed the inside of Lemon Bread's mouth.
"Would it kill us to attain a little bit of a certain special thing called our privacy?" they sang as Alphys walked nudely down the staircase, officially bringing the video to a close as the crowd clapped and cheered in applause.
However, unbeknownst to the audience, right when the video had displayed that one last clip of Alphys going down her escalator naked, Alphys herself just so happened to be walking down the staircase into the rec room at that exact same very moment...and she was every bit as shocked as you would expect, causing her to lose her balance and tumble all the way down!
"GREETINGS, our beloved new potential porn star!" the Royal Guards giggled and blushed cheerfully as they scraped Alphys up off of the ground and dusted off her quills with a feather duster.
"What in the actual bloody F#% is going on here?!" Alphys screamed in shock, already profoundly disgusted by the Underground's appalling lack of respect for women's roles in society.
"Everyone is FROGGING it to our INSTANTLY sold-out film!" Royal Guard 1 laughed, patting Alphys on the back while she trembled and shook in unimaginable shyness-induced terror.
"Have an espresso, baby!" Royal Guard 2 chuckled, offering her a nice warm cup of caffeine incarnate (which, needless to say, was literally the LAST thing that Alphys needed at the moment).
"OH, ALPHYS, THAT WAS JUST BEAUTIFUL!" Toriel walked over and complimented her, kneeling down and smooching her wetly and passionately on the cheek as her eyelids twitched with anxiety.
"UM...I..." Alphys stammered awkwardly, not quite knowing what to say.
"You gave me the biggest BONER of my life!" Papyrus snickered childishly despite the fact that he had already kind of made the exact same joke a few scenes earlier without even knowing it.
"Alphys, I wanna have fish-lizard babies with you SO, SO BAD!" Undyne squeed ecstatically with excitement, clenching her hand over Alphys' head and playfully ruffling up her quills.
"W-WHAT?! WHAT THE F#&%?!" Alphys screamed as everyone crowded around her with digital cameras in hand and snapped photo after photo of her fidgeting about like a total spaz.
"What's the matter, Alphys? Are you JEALOUS that you don't have our glorious DVD adaptation of this work of art yet?" Royal Guard 2 snickered, showing her one of the DVD cases he was talking about. "It's only 895 gold...plus tax!"
"Everyone who wishes to, like, look artistic and stuff will want one...OF OUR ELEVEN THOUSAND COPIES!" Royal Guard 1 and 2 pointed and laughed at Alphys while the entire crowd around her followed suit; meanwhile, Alphys was curled up into a quivering, humiliated, miserable little ball of shame on the floor.
"WHERE DID YOU SEND THEM?!" Alphys screamed in terror at Royal Guard 1 as she suddenly sprung back up onto her feet and leapt onto his shoulders, shaking him violently by the collar.
"Only to EVERY STORE IN THE UNDERGROUND!" Royal Guard 1 laughed while Alphys' teeth chattered loudly with fear.
"HOW IN THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO REMOVE THEM ALL IN TIME WITHOUT BREAKING ANY LAWS?! FOR GOD'S SAKE, TELL ME! PLEASE TELL ME NOW!" Alphys desperately begged Royal Guard 2, leaping from his brother's shoulders onto his and glaring deeply into his eyes.
"THINK FAST!" Royal Guard 1 laughed as he untied a gigantic sack that he had just recently pulled out of the closet and dumped $100,000 worth of gold all over Alphys.
"THANK YOU...FOR YOUR...PATRONAGE..." Alphys gasped for air as she reached her hand out through the massive pile and gave the Royal Guards a great big thumbs-up.