FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

What exactly is it about me that tends to shove people away? No not push, but shove, violently.. For some reason, even after all these years that question still rings in my head like a church bell. As usual, following that ever so repetitive question, the insecurities once again came knocking at my back door. Perhaps its my inability to socialize effectively. Or is it because I prefer deep, meaningful conversations over small talk? Hell, maybe it's just me in general. Am I really that ugly?..

..Maybe I'm just not fit to be a part of society..

Unfortunately, this bombardment of internal questions was just another normal daily occurrence for Felix. A young adult male who suffered from a mental power struggle almost every day of his life, and today was no different, except maybe a bit wetter than usual. One by one, in a perfect rhythm, the droplets of water spawned from the cold and lifeless sky above, then crashed down upon the ground below creating a somewhat soothing song to Felix's ears, which were dripping wet by now as he continued to trudge on and along the sidewalk, his headfur flat and matted. He hadn't prepared for this storm at all.

On the bright side, thanks to the sudden rainfall, nobody he passed by could see him crying, not that they cared much anyway. Most people were too busy to care anymore. But for Felix, it seemed to be quite the opposite. Felix was the type of guy who cared about everyone, and everything, maybe almost too much. In fact, his incessant need to emotionally connect or invest himself into something was undoubtedly the reason he always ended up getting hurt. Then again, if he didn't care enough, things somehow knew just how to find their way back around and never hesitated to bite him right in the tail.

..A double edged sword..

The tears were falling harder now, challenging the rain to a race as the internal tug of war raged on, and the pestering voice in his head refused to stifle itself. "Just a few more blocks now." He thought to himself in an attempt to ease his troubled mind while his body trembled from the cold. The wind was picking up now, and with temperatures in the mid fifties, combined with a soaking wet fox, things were anything but comfortable. "Please. Just let me die already." Felix muttered to himself as he quickly approached the traffic signal and spammed the button so that he could cross safely. Oh the irony.

The wait took what felt like a decade, the wind only getting sharper. This was absolutely miserable. While most would consider his rather small stature a blessing, in conditions such as this, it felt more like a curse as he clung to the signal pole for dear life, all the while a rather tall shepherd stood across the street, effortlessly standing upright, waiting his turn. Felix swore that the shepherd laughed, but it wasn't easy to tell when it was raining sideways. Meanwhile, the fox began to ponder if maybe a lightning bolt wasn't such a bad way to go.

He looked down at the ground now, staring into a rather deep puddle at the edge of the sidewalk, trying his best to avoid the shepherd across the way from watching him struggle to stand upright. He examined himself in the water. His hair was a disaster. It definitely needed a trim. The long black bangs of his head-fur smothering the majority of his eyes. He sighed and moved them out of the way, only to have them blown right back in. Of course. He hated how small he was. Standing at five feet and three inches tall, it was a miracle no one ever stepped on him. He scowled at his reflection. Half angry at himself, half angry that his skinny jeans were stuck to him like glue, and his new shirt was ruined.

SPLASH.

Out of nowhere, came a car going way too fast, cutting the reflection in half as it rushed to make it through the intersection before the light changed. Upon doing this however, the car also managed to throw an entire ocean at the fox, who was very unprepared.. The water hit him like a ton of bricks, being sure that if there were any part of him left untouched by the water before, it wouldn't be now. "Could this day get any worse?" He said aloud. Prompting the sky above to send a surge of electricity down from the sky followed by a crash so loud that the little fox became startled. So startled that he tripped over his own feet and fell right into the same puddle below him. Just then, the signal changed.

Felix lay there for a moment, face first in the dirty water. He figured if he lay there long enough, maybe another car would come dashing by and end his suffering right then and there. "Hey!" An unfamiliar voice suddenly called out. Oh no. Felix slowly pushed himself up from the puddle pleading that whoever just saw him eat the pavement wasn't also holding a video camera to upload it on FurTube. He took a deep breath, and looked up, wiping away the water from his nose. It was then that he came practically muzzle to muzzle with the same shepherd that only moments ago stood across, waiting for the light like him. "Are you okay? That was a nasty fall you took." The concerned dog said as he knelt down and held out a paw to Felix, who was practically dying of embarrassment. "Oh. Yeah! Haha, I'm fine.. Just.. Practicing my swan dive!" He said with a half cocked smile, re-stabilizing himself as the shepherd pulled him to his feet once more and walked them both over to the edge of the walk-way.

..Sarcasm. It's how we survive..

The shepherd looked confused for a moment, but caught on quickly. A gentle laugh vibrated its way out of his chest as he let go of Felix and rubbed behind his head. "I'd give you a nine. You really need to work on your form a bit." The fox looked up, confused for a moment. He wasn't used to such a normal response to his dark sense of humor. He giggled softly after a moment and found himself lost within the shepherd's bright blue eyes. So lost in fact, that he didn't even notice the rain storm coming to an abrupt stop. They were so pretty. So blue, like an ocean of endless depth. I wonder if he knew just how many people envied him for those. Or fell in love.. Felix's eyes, on the other hand, were amber, a pretty common color for his species, so it was obvious that he'd be jealous. Or was it something more? The shepherd tilted his head slightly. "You gonna be okay?" Felix jolted himself out of the creepy stare and blushed heavily, nodding. "Y-Yeah, sorry, I've just got a lot on my mind.. College and stuff! Heh. Probably why I always trip over myself.. Never paying attention!" Only part of that statement was a lie.

The shepherd smiled and nodded softly. Good, he bought it. "Yeah, I know the feeling. CCU?" He said quickly, leaving the fox puzzled. "Huh?" Felix said aloud. "Cape Cavada University..?" The shepherd said slowly. Felix felt like a moron. He'd only spent three years of his life there now studying fine arts. Admittedly, the one thing he actually felt good at.. "Oh! Yeah, yep. That's me! Go gators right?!" God that was lame.. The shep didn't seem to mind it though, he just laughed again and nodded, leaning back on the traffic signal pole and crossing his arms. Cool as a cucumber. "Yep.. That's my team." He said proudly. His team? Did he play for the football team or something? He surely looked athletic enough.. He was tall, well over six feet. Pretty built too, muscles vaguely visible through his fitted black sweatshirt. He had short, messy headfur, dark brown like the rest of him, except the spotted black here and there and around his muzzle. He was pretty good looking actually..

"You sure you're okay..?" Damn. Spaced out again. "Yes! I am. I was just uh.. Trying to guess what.. position you play?" For a fox, he really wasn't all that sly.. "Wide receiver actually.. Not to brag or anything, but, I'm pro-bab-ly one of the better furs on the team." Honestly that wasn't saying much, considering that CCU's team hadn't been to the play offs in years. But it was evident that he knew that, as his voice hinted yet more sarcasm. Felix laughed and rubbed at his arm, a nervous habit of sorts. He wasn't the best at socializing with new people, but then again, this was probably the most he'd talked to anyone all week.

"In that case, can I have your autograph?" Felix said with a snicker. The shepherd seemingly looked down embarrassed. It was kinda cute actually. "Yeah.. Well, hey, I better get going. Don't wanna be late to practice!" He said while pushing himself off of the pole and stretching. "Try not to do anymore diving okay um-?" He left the last part on a questionable tone, sort of leaning toward the fox, as if asking for something. His name. "Oh! Uhm, I'm Felix!" He said with another half-hearted smile. "Cool Felix.. I'm Kaiser."

..What a nice name..

"Well thank you Kaiser, have fun at practice." Felix said. Then, as if on cue, the light once more changed and allowed him safe passage. He looked to the light, spacing out for a moment before turning back to the shepherd with a questioning stare, as if asking permission to go. He must've spaced out for awhile though, because by then Kaiser had pulled out his phone and appeared to be typing a message. "I'll probably see you around. Take care." The dog responded half interested, subliminally granting the fox permission to hurry across the street as his heart raced. It was almost unbelievable how the smallest things gave him anxiety. Once safely across, he looked back over his shoulder to the dog, still tap tapping away on his phone.. Just like that, he was invisible again.. At least it was nice while it lasted..

Minutes passed, Felix by now was way out of sight, trudging his way back to his one bedroom apartment, dreading the inevitable loneliness that came with it. Kaiser however, was still firmly planted at the signal light, putting the finishing touches on the message to one of his team mates, warning them that he'd be a bit late to practice. Not that he cared all too much anyway. No amount of practice was gonna fix that team.

As the message whooshed away, he slid the phone back into his sweat pant's pocket and looked up, staring down the now empty street. What an interesting little fox.. Poor guy. It was obvious that he had been crying, but he really didn't want to say anything out of fear of embarassing him. ..Ah well.. Off to practice.

However, upon his shift in direction, his eyes suddenly locked onto something that lay floating in a puddle below him. The same puddle that the fox fell into.. He knelt down and picked it up. ..A wallet.. Black, leather, pretty worn. Kaiser sighed and opened it, confirming the owner. There it was. A plastic card with a slightly younger, seemingly happier looking fox with thick rimmed glasses and a geeky smile. "Felix F. Fennel. Date of birth: November 12th 1993" "Well, he definitely will miss it.." The shepherd said aloud as he slipped it into his pocket and started towards the printed address.

...Practice would have to wait...