FSE

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My hands gripped the back of my neck so tightly, they shook. My nose wedged itself firmly into the crack of whatever book I had been trying to read through my clouded thoughts.

This was too much.

I couldn't believe I put the entire project onto myself. I didn't have the time to do all of this research and throw together a presentation. I felt like crying, but I was too frustrated to let it happen. So I kept my face in the book and tried to squeeze out the building tension headache.

I jumped as I heard the door to the small study room open. Was it already closing time?

"Get out," I said instinctively as I saw the fox's head pop in.

"No," Jude said, standing against the closed door. The room suddenly felt much smaller as all the air in my lungs drained.

"Get out, NOW." I stood up from my chair, making it shift back and hit the wall behind me. I could feel my hands shaking, but I tried to hide it.

"No." He took a step closer to me and I felt my arm muscles tense. "We need to talk."

"I don't need to hear anymore words from you for the rest of my life." My hands slammed against the table, hoping it'd scare him off.

"Darrick..." he said, taking another step closer to the table.

I pressed my palms hard against the table to stop the trembling. "Get out, Jude. I don't want you here."

"I don't care. We have unfinished business between us that, for the sake of both of us, needs to end one way or another."

I didn't know how I could be more clear. "It's already over. I told you to get out of my life, but you keep dragging yourself back in."

Jude took another step forward, making me lean up from the table. He pulled out the extra chair and sat down in it. "I'm not leaving until we talk."

My boiling anger hit a peak. "Fine. Stay here," I said, rushing to shove all of my papers and books into a halfway manageable pile. I hiked it into my arms and headed towards the door.

I could see Jude jut out towards me out of the corner of my eye, and before I could stop myself, I was on top of him, watching everything fall forward and scatter all over the floor. One of the books separated from its cover. I gripped the corner of the chair and pulled myself up on the wall. I was seething.

"GOD DAMMIT, JUDE!!" I screamed, feeling rage pulse to every part of me. I stared down at the stupid fox, still sitting in his chair; easy target. I lined up my fist with his face.

I caught my reflection in the window of the door and saw my father looking back at me. I had become him, pushing my frustration out in violence. I was twice the size of the fox; twice the size that I was when I was 16 and felt my dad's fists. I looked down at Jude, who was wincing, waiting for the pain. I pictured myself, lying on the floor of the kitchen, cleaning my wounds and crying myself to sleep. My muscles relaxed.

"You stupid ass..." I said. He looked up at me in confusion. "Why can't you just leave me alone?"

My legs got wobbly, and I sat down in my chair. The off-white walls of the room created a perfect screen where the horrors of my past projected in my head. I realized I had started to tear up and I wiped my nose on my arm. "Every time I am free of you, you somehow find your way back." I looked at the fox across the table. "Why are you haunting me?"

Jude looked back at me for a while. "Because, we aren't done here."

"I want to be done, Jude," I said. "I have to be done. I don't have any other option."

"What do you mean? What's going on? Why won't you talk to me?" His questions were sincere. I had tried telling him once, all those years ago. It was so easy to let that burden fly off of me that day, like finally cleaning a thick layer of dust. But, nothing but misery followed, and the years had caked on so much thicker now. I looked into the fox's eyes.

"You wouldn't understand." I looked away.

"Why not? Do you not remember how we used to be? We may not love each other anymore, but that doesn't mean you can't still tell me anything. I want to know, Darrick, please tell me."

Things were so different now. How could I possibly even start? "I can't. I just... Can't."

"Can you try?"

I slid my hands up to my face. How could I make him understand? He hadn't been there. He hadn't suffered the way I did. It's not something I can just spit out. "No. Not here, I-"

"Then come to my place."

I glared at the fox. This was his plan all along. He didn't really care. "Why would that be any better?" I felt the anger begin to bubble in me again. "What are you trying to do to me? Do you think you can just toss me into your trap again, lure me in with fake promises, and then try to seduce me?" A false look of confusion flushed over him, but I saw through it. "I'm not like that anymore, Jude. Especially not with you."

He tried to come up with some excuse to cover himself, and with each second I felt steam rising in me.

"Darrick, I'm not trying to trick you," he finally stammered out. "I'm not going to seduce you either. My place is just a bit more comfortable to have a conversation than this creepy room in a library."

"I don't trust you, Jude."

"When what can I do to convince you my intentions are pure?"

"Jump off a bridge."

"That's a bit harsh."

Yes, it was. But everything was hash. Everything I had been through, everything I was still going through, all because of him. "You just don't get it, do you?"

"No, I don't. And every time I try to understand, you shove me away. I just want to understand, Darrick. I'm just as lost and hurt as you are."

I closed my eyes, trying to calm myself down. I couldn't believe the words coming from his mouth. How could he not know? And then it hit me. He didn't know. He had no idea. Everything that had happened to me, he had never heard about. I never told him about the abuse of my father, and even the letter, explaining it all, only ever found its way back and into my father's hands. I felt my head get light, and I gripped the handles of the chair. He was right. Every time he had asked, I had just shoved him away in anger. But, that didn't mean he wasn't trying to trick me, still. I took a deep breath.

"Fine," I said, opening my eyes to the bright room again. I looked at the fox. "But, if you so much as TOUCH me, I'm going to grind you into a paste, got it?" My eyes flicked to the reflection of my father in the window.

"I promise on my soul."

I felt sick the entire walk from the library. I wanted to take my car, but the thought of being in such a small space with Jude didn't excite me much, so when Jude assumed I had walked too, I went with it. The wind was cold, and blew through the thin sweater I was wearing. I had foolishly left my coat in the car.

Jude was oddly quite on the walk. I kept expecting him to say something, but he never did. He'd only point in the direction if we needed to turn or cross a street. I silently memorized the path, just in case I needed a quick escape. He didn't live very far from where I was. It was the low income college apartment section of town, so it wasn't surprising, but still threw me off a bit, and made me miss having my care a bit more knowing I'd have to walk all the way back to the library.

When we reached the apartment building, he finally said something. "This is it." It wasn't much for conversation, and the comment was fairly obvious, as we were standing in the front door, but hearing someone finally talk seemed to calm my nerves a bit. With a jangle of keys, we were in.

The air smelt like burnt dust, probably from the heat kicking in. We wound around the hallways, my mental map making still going strong, before we stopped at the door. Another jangle of keys.

"Sorry if it's a mess. I didn't really expect anyone over."

We walked in to a lioness sitting on the couch. She looked up, and her eyes got wide when she saw me. I froze in my spot and the door hit my side. She looked familiar, but I couldn't place where. The teeth she was glaring wasn't jogging my memory earlier.

She looked back at Jude, and they exchanged a series of silent nods, before she stood up, grabbed her coat and walked up to me. I shifted out of the way, my eyes locked on her death glare as she passed by and out into the hall. I let the door close behind her.

"Do you want anything to drink?" Jude said, tossing his coat over a chair at a table.

"I'm fine." I just wanted this to be quick.

"I'm going to have a glass of wine," he said, opening up the fridge and pulling out a half empty bottle. "Do you want to sit on the couch?"

I looked over at the couch. It was old and had some strange stains on it, but I wasn't in any place to judge since my second and third hand furniture looked worse. "Sure." I picked the side with less questionable stains and sat down. I looked around the apartment. It was homey, much like how I remember his parents' house. There was a strange abstract painting hung up on the wall, and a lot of mismatched furniture with a couple book shelves with stuffed animals and text books tucked in. I recognized and otter from his room wedged next to a well-worn biology book.

I heard a clink of glass and looked over at the fox, placing two wine glasses on the table.

"Just in case you change your mind."

I watched him fill his glass and questioned my judgment to trust him.

The fox sat down on the opposite end of the couch, facing me, with his legs folded up. He took a sip of the glass and tucked it into his lap. The smell of cheap wine hit my nose.

The room was quiet as we looked at each other.

"So," he said, running his finger absentmindedly along the rim of the glass between his legs. "Where should we start?"

I swallowed, feeling how dry my throat was. "I'm not sure. There is a lot."

"Well," he looked down at his glass. "Maybe let's start with... why did you leave me?"

There was pain in his voice. His thumbs rubbed against his glass, before picking it up for another sip. He looked up at me.

"I..." I said, trying to figure out how to put the words. "I... can't do this." I stood up.

"Please, Darrick." I looked over at the fox, who was leaning forward with is paw reaching for me. "Please? I need to know. It's been too long with no answers."

I closed my eyes and sat back down. My throat felt like sand paper. I tried clearing it. "Can I have some water?" I asked. "Please?"

Before I could even open my eyes, Jude was already up at the sink filling a glass. He set it down next to me.

Something in me snapped and my eyes started leaking. I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. My eyes blurred as I felt everything just crumble inside of me. I felt so stupid, rubbing my face, trying to regain some sort of dignity.

I flinched as I felt a paw on my shoulder. It was warm and tender. I leaned forward and felt two arms wrap around me. My face was leaking everywhere as my shaky paws wrapped around the fox too. It felt weird to touch another body like this; it had been so long. He was so warm.

"I... I tried telling you," I managed to squeak out. "I wrote a letter. But it never got to you."

His paw rubbed along my back.

"I didn't mean to leave. It was all just so much to happen at once. I didn't know what to do, so I panicked and ran. Like I always do." I squeezed the fox tightly. "I'm sorry."

"It's ok," the fox whispered. His muzzle was close to my ear.

I wiped my nose and pulled away from him. I looked at his face, and the fur around his eyes was dark. He sniffled. I wiped my eyes and sat up again.

"My life has been a mess, Jude. My entire life. From the very start until right now, one giant mess."

He placed a paw on my knee.

"The reason I went to school, real school, and met you, was because my grandma got sick and died, and my mom couldn't handle it. My house was a bad place. My dad abused us a lot. That's why I never had you over. Because I didn't want you to know. I kept it all hidden, because I didn't want you to get involved in any of it, because you didn't deserve it. Well, a few days before your birthday, my mom left. Or she ran away. I'm not really sure what happened, but she was gone. We went out looking for her, but we never found her."

"Is that what all the missed calls on your phone were?"

I nodded. "Well, some of them. When I finally answered, my dad told me they found my mom's body in the river."

"Oh my god, Darrick..."

"Or, that's what my dad told me. Apparently he just made it up because he didn't want to admit she left him, or maybe she is dead. I really don't know. My life is a mess, I told you," I said, nervously chuckling while eyeing the empty wine glass. "Maybe I could use some wine."

Jude handed me his glass without even breaking his gaze at me. I took a few sips. The bitter wine splashed down my tongue and made me shiver.

"Well," I continued, clearing my throat, "whatever happened, I freaked out and I left. I didn't know it was going to be my last time seeing you, I really didn't." I looked into the fox's eyes. He was hanging on every word, concern and fear in his eyes. "I missed you, Jude."

"I missed you too, Darrick."

Jude leaned forward, but I pulled my head away before his could kiss me. "I'm sorry," I said, looking down at the wine glass. "It's been a long four years, Jude. A lot had changed."

"I'm sorry," he said, pulling his paw from my knee. I felt the cold room air on the spot. "I shouldn't have done that, I-"

"It's ok." I said, looking up. "Let me explain. When I got home, my dad had lost it. He made us pack up some bare bones essentials, and we drove far away. I'm still not really sure where we ended up. That's when I wrote the letter, telling you everything. But, I must have put the wrong address or something, because it came back, and my dad read it, and..." I was shaking. "It wasn't good, Jude. Everything changed. Everything. I lost my freedom that day."

I went on to tell Jude about everything. He'd occasionally ask a simple question to clarify, but otherwise he just sat and listened. I felt this enormous weight lifted off of me, finally being able to tell someone these things. I felt like I could breathe again for the first time in years. I felt free.

"Darrick..." he said, as I finished my story and looked down at my empty wine glass. "I had... I had no idea. I'm so sorry. If I had known.... I would have found you. I would have saved you."

"I don't think you could have."

"I would have found a way." He placed his paw on my knee again.

"Well, it doesn't matter, because it happened, and there is no changing that," I said, feeling some rigidity return to my back.

"But it shouldn't have happened."

"But it did."

Jude looked at me. He studied my face and my antlers. "I'm glad you're back, Darrick."

"I'm not so sure I am back, not really," I said, feeling my leg muscles tense up again as he squeezed down on my knee.

"We can start over, be like how we used to be, make up for lost time." He looked into my eyes and I looked away. "I love you, Darrick."

"I have to go," I said, standing up from the couch.

I felt a paw graze my shoulder as I walked to the door and quickly found myself in the hallway, the apartments rushing past me. I got to the front of the building and realized I was still holding the wine glass. I set it down on the ground and started running down the block. A few turns, and I arrived at my own building, where I quickly rushed up the stairs and into the safety of my own apartment. I sat in the dark, panting. I let the silence seep into me as my heart slowed down and my mind cleared.

That's when I realized I had left my backpack at Jude's.