FSE

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By the time we reach my apartment things have started to settle back into a state approaching normality.

Now that I finally have the opportunity to put a shirt on I find there's no reason to, we'll be heading to sleep soon and it's warm enough inside anyway. The act would be a wasted effort.

It's late but neither of us have eaten for quite some time, a fact that only really hits me when I see my kitchen.

There's no way I'm going to do any real cooking right now so I offer Adrian some instant noodles, which he thankfully accepts. The familiar and comfortable sense of a stable friendship has once again settled between us. Neither of us wants to keep talking about what happened today quite yet so we don't. We've talked it all through and nothing has been fixed or healed, but I believe progress has been made, and simply getting our feelings out into the open counts for something.

Noodles served, we dig in immediately, both hungrier than we realized.

"By the way," Adrian says between bites. "The doctor promised me a sick note for when I return to work, I don't know if they always give them out for this kind of thing or if she was just being sympathetic but, yeah."

"That's good. You'll still have to give a reason for not calling in yesterday though. And I'll have to give a reason for running out of the office like a lunatic in the middle of the day."

He smiles toothily.

"I was wondering how you got out of work, now I know you just ran for it." He considers something and his expression darkens a little. "How come you dropped everything to come to mine anyway? Are you psychic, or...?"

"Yeah, I'm psychic," I say, slurping down the end of my bowl of noodles. "Oh," I rummage around in my pocket and pull out a small metallic object. "Here's your spare key."

He frowns then nods. He reaches for the key then stops himself.

"You can keep it if you want." I smile and slip it back in my pocket without another word, glad that he made the offer. "How did you know where to find it anyway? I don't think I ever told you where it was. And don't say you're psychic again."

"How did you know I was going to say I'm psychic? You must be psychic."

"Oh, shut up girlfriend."

Adrian's gradual return to his usual lighthearted, campy mannerisms further lifts my spirits.

"For real though, I don't need to be psychic. I've known you long enough, I thought it through and realized that if you hadn't given the key to somebody else then you would have stuck it under the door. Well, I didn't 'know', but I hoped. As for running out of work, Dom asked me why you didn't show up or call in. I thought that didn't sound like you. I called Eve and she said you mentioned your parents were coming round over the weekend. She didn't know how important that information was so she didn't tell me until I asked. When I found out I thought something must be very wrong. I ran out the office and all the way to yours."

Adrian shakes his head in disbelief as he finishes his noodles.

"You're not allowed to protest when I say this, okay?"

"Okay."

"You're an incredible person Kale. Thank you for doing that. You literally saved my life."

I don't feel like an incredible person. Sure I saved his life, just about, but he almost died because of my lack of awareness. In spite of my feelings I accept the compliment with a smile. There's no need to argue over it.

"Thank you."

"So, what are you going to do about work?"

I sigh.

"Fuck, I don't know. I'll explain that there was an emergency with you and that I had to leave immediately. Hopefully that will be enough," I shrug. "Honestly it doesn't matter to me all that much right now. Maybe it should, but I can't help but not care."

"I get that. I think Dom will be okay about it though, he's usually at least halfway reasonable."

"True," I agree absently. "I'll figure it out, don't worry."

We lapse into quiet as I finish my food and Adrian takes a moment to himself, using the time to decompress from a day of mounting stresses.

On the walk here we hardly spoke. I offered my paw and he held it until he got a call from Eve. She was checking in on us. Adrian let her know we were doing okay; he didn't mention our argument. They arranged to meet tomorrow, early in the afternoon since Eve has a half day at work. After, he took my paw again and we walked, linked, in silence.

Done eating, Adrian takes his bowl to the dishwasher and thanks me.

"I hope it was alright," I say.

"It's just what I needed, thank you. I wasn't exactly expecting Michelin star quality cooking."

"Good, I only offer that to the critics," I say, stacking my bowl next to his in the half-full machine.

"How do you know I'm not a critic in disguise?"

"You would have to be in very deep cover, I've known you for years."

"I could be a culinary sleeper agent."

"I'll take the risk on this one," I say with a chuckle. Adrian laughs too, though his tone holds a certain degree of restraint. The events of the day are weighing heavily on him. Of course they are. There are still matted patches of blood dried into his fur, it would be impossible for him to forget what happened. "Hey, did you want to take a shower and get yourself cleaned up before calling it a night?"

"Oh, uh," he lifts up his bandaged arm. "I'd like to, but the doctor said that I'm supposed to keep this dry until I go back to in a few days for them to remove it. Then again, I can't really go around unwashed until then. I'm already dirty and it's only going to get worse. I'm not really sure what to do about it."

"It would be easier if there was an actual bath. Stupid showers," I scratch at the back of my head, thinking, doing my best to reach through the thick mist clouding my subconscious to find a solution. "All I can think of is using a washcloth, shower supplies and warm water."

He nods slowly.

"Yeah, that will help get the blood out at least. I could fill up the sink and dab myself down as best I can."

I try to imagine him going through the whole process alone with his one useable arm, all the while keeping water away from his bandaged one. It would be awkward as hell, it feels almost cruel to put him through that.

"I'll help out, it would be difficult for you alone, being an arm down like that."

"Oh, are you sure?" He seems surprised and maybe even a little anxious.

"Of course, plus I can help you get to those hard-to-reach places," I say winking, trying to lighten the mood.

He laughs and thanks me and we head to the shower room.

I fill up the sink with warm water, plugging it up to use it as a bowl, while Adrian undresses. I grab a washcloth and ask if his unbandaged arm is too tender to scrub.

"I think it should be fine," he says. "Just be gentle with me."

"Never thought I'd hear you say that," I chide. He whips me weakly with his now removed socks.

"Bastard," he says, laughing, now fully unclothed apart from his underwear. Dropping the sock in a pile of his clothes he points at his boxers. "Uh, would you like these to stay on?"

"Don't be silly, I've seen you naked before Adrian, I'm not going to start being squeamish about it now. If we're going to get you clean then we're going to do it properly."

He looks posed as if to argue, but he chooses the better of it and removes his underwear without another word. I would be lying if I said the sight of his sheath and balls didn't elicit a reaction from my own, but I get myself together and focus on the task at hand. I get Adrian to stand in the shower so the water will harmlessly drip off him into the drain and then get to work.

With a warm, damp washcloth I gently scrub the blood and grime of the day from his fur.

I agreed to this readily, but in the midst of the actions I find the situation more intimate than I had realized it would be. We're so close, my paws are all over his naked body. It feels unfair of me to be clothed in his presence. He is so vulnerable and beautiful and wounded and I have an overwhelming urge to protect him, to do anything in my power to make him happy.

It's hard to explain, but there is something about it - the situation, the washing, or just him, I don't know - that's bewitching. Our intimacy has an effect on me I wasn't expecting, I feel myself grow firm, a sudden strain acting against my own underwear. I can't tell if the reaction is sweet, or fucked up, considering the situation. Either way I hope the fox doesn't notice.

Wringing out the cloth and refreshing it with clean warm water and soap I break the silence in an attempt to distract myself.

"Is this weird?" I ask, stupidly, unable to think of a more suitable thing to say.

"No weirder than the rest of today," Adrian says with dark humor and a self-effacing grin. "But if you're finding it awkward that's no problem. I'll finish this myself."

"No, no, that's not what I meant," I say, scrubbing at the fox's chest. "It's just a bit surreal, you know?"

"I can't argue with that."

"Plus I think I find it weirder that one of us is naked rather than both, or neither, if that makes any sense at all."

"Yeah, that makes sense to me," he pauses. "You could always take your clothes off if that's an issue. You're already halfway there." He points at my still-bare chest.

He says it innocently enough, like another joke or casual comment, but I've become more astute and perceptive in recent days. I can tell he'd like me to. Even if he won't admit it, he hasn't given up on the idea of the two of us together quite yet.

I don't want to give him the wrong idea, but I don't want to be antagonistic and... fuck. I don't even know where to start with this one. I avoid answering and instead treat the comment as I would have a week ago, as a bawdy joke from my best friend.

"You'd like that wouldn't you?"

"Kalie, you know I would." He shoots me a half-smile, the expression a reflection of his state of mind, at once recognizing the truth of his words and accepting the unrequited form of his affection.

I laugh, but I don't respond. I don't know what to say. If I outright refuse I look harsh but if I agree to it then what the hell am I implying? Plus, I don't know if I can trust myself to stay unaroused if I'm standing nude beside him.

Even clothed it's not incredibly easy to restrain myself. Why am I such a stupid, horny wolf? Did I never develop any brain function higher than those needed to fuck? Still, being close to him like this is sending a wash of mixed emotions coursing through me and I feel the need to distract myself yet again as I scrub down his back and butt.

Somehow, he's the one who starts the conversation.

"So, uh, Kale. How was your weekend?"

I momentarily stop what I'm doing.

"Well, I saw Ryan and Marty. Are you sure you want to hear about it?"

"Don't worry, it's not like that. You've made your choice about me. I'm just curious." He hesitates. "Plus I wanted to break the eerie quiet, it's a little awkward getting scrubbed down naked in total silence."

"I can't argue with that," I say with abrupt laughter. Telling him about my weekend may ultimately make him feel worse, but he's been honest with me and I should respect him enough to return the favor, and to trust him when he says he can handle it. I recall my mind back to the weekend's events for the first time since I ran out of work today.

Telling Adrian about my date with Ryan on Saturday reminds me of how much I enjoyed it, but all the positive feelings I have towards Ryan are mixed up among a confounding mixture of half-truths and suppositions, especially the accusations aimed at him by his flatmate.

Adrian remains quiet while I speak and continue to clean him, my monologue doing what I wanted and keeping my mind off the physicality of my actions.

"And then came Sunday," I say eventually, my tone dipping.

"You say that like things went poorly. What happened? Was Marty acting like a dick on your date, or...?"

"No, well, no. It's, it was a weird day. We ended up meeting round their place, Ryan was out, and pretty much as soon as I got there Marty offered me cocaine."

"What the hell?" Adrian bursts out. I look up to him, scrubbing his legs now. He's wide eyed and grinning. "I didn't peg him as the type to casually keep cocaine around the house."

"Yeah, and that's just the fucking start of it."

"Girl, I'm glad I asked. I need to hear all about this." Suddenly he's giddy and camp and genuinely excited and I'm with the version of Adrian I've known for so long all over again. The Adrian who's happy and enthusiastic. Of course, that other side of Adrian is part of him too - the part that finds it hard to be happy, the part that hurts himself - it's just the part I'd rather not see. No, that's not quite right. It's the part of him I want to help, whereas this Adrian is the Adrian I want to chat and laugh and spend time with for the rest of my days. Excitedly he grabs my shoulder with his good paw and shakes me in mock panic. "Tell me, did you take the coke?"

I smirk. "Yeah."

"Filthy druggy, I knew you were a bad boy all along."

"You knew, or you hoped?"

"Oh, I knew."

"Did you read it in my eyes?"

"Yeah, because they were always red which made you look like a fucking stoner."

"Well, you know, that wasn't far from the truth at the time."

"I'm just surprised it took you this long to stray into harder territory." He puts on stuffy, authoritative voice while pushing an imaginary pair of glasses up his muzzle. "Weed is a gateway drug don't you know?"

I roll my eyes. He laughs and ruffles my hair as I scrub down to his foot paws. In this position I'm very conscious of how close my muzzle is to his sheath and I feel an uncalled for stirring in groin again.

"Well, it was pretty good while it lasted but I don't think I ever want to do it again."

"Didn't like the aftereffects?"

"Yeah, and I guess I just don't like feeling less in control of myself."

"Sure, I know what you mean. You made it sound like a lot more went down then just a bit of coke though."

"It was a strange day."

I don't go into every detail as I describe what happened, but Adrian can barely believe it when I fill him in on Marty's prestigious family ties. The next part shocks him even more, I could've skipped over it, and maybe I should have, but it doesn't feel right to lie to him. I admit I let Marty top me and the effect the news has on him is instantaneous.

He's wide eyed and slack jawed.

"You bottomed for him?" He asks incredulously. "Who are you and what have you done with Kalie?"

"Look, I was high and there was a lot going on and it was an intense day, I couldn't think straight."

"Fuck, all that I needed to do was stress you out and get you high all this time? I'm gonna need to get in touch with a dealer." He grins wide and laughs, I can't help but join in. Somehow, in spite of everything that's happened, it feels as though things are reaching a stage of normality between us. Minus the part where I'm washing him by paw while he stands naked in my shower. "So, did you like it?"

"Oh, hm, well, yeah, I think so. It was different, at least. Giving myself over to another guy like that, letting him have his way with me, letting him take pleasure in my body, there's something extremely sensual about that."

Adrian's good paw shoots down to cover his sheath.

"Sorry, sorry. It's just, thinking about you in that situation, well," he clears his throat. "You know."

I'm running on instinct as I take hold of his paw and nudge it aside. He resists for a moment, then relents.

"I haven't cleaned down there yet." I say, eyes fixated on his half-mast cock poking out from his sheath.

"That's about the only place you haven't," his voice is airy, almost distant, as though unsure whether any of this is even happening. "I thought you were skipping it to avoid any awkwardness."

I guess I had been avoiding it, I have scrubbed up and down all over him apart from there, subconsciously keeping myself away, most likely in attempt to prevent my own arousal. Well, it's too late for that now.

What exactly do I think I'm doing here? Staring at his dick in wordless appreciation isn't going to get anything done. What exactly am I going to do? Dab it with a warm, damp cloth? As if.

The fox has had a bad day. So have I. A day more stressful perhaps than any day we've ever had. Who says we shouldn't be able to release that pressure?

Or maybe that's just the hormones talking.

If I make a move, what is that going to say to Adrian? Then again he's already convinced I'm not interested in him so what does it matter? He'll enjoy it, I'll enjoy it.

"I was just leaving the best to last," I say, then I stick my tongue out and lick the underside of his member. He shudders and lets out a vibrato _oo_ing sounds.

His cock rapidly grows to full length as I lap at it. Soon enough I wrap my muzzle around the entirety of his member, encompassing it in warmth and wetness. I rock my head back and forth against him to the sound of delighted moans. Feeling his damp fur pressed against my own as I grip his hips somehow only makes it all feel more personal, more physical, more real. The fox's moans only increase my own pleasure.

"Wait, stop," he says, his paw suddenly on my head, pushing me. I pull away and feel guilty immediately. Was I just taking advantage of him? Making use of our vulnerable, emotional states to turn a personal moment into primal sex?

"Sorry, I don't know what's gotten into me, today's just been-"

"No, it's not that. You're just turning my legs to jelly and I don't have as much strength as usual, I think I might fall over if we keep going." He laughs. "If you want to carry on, could we do it somewhere where I don't have to stand?"

Oh. That makes sense.

My tail wags as I stand up and lift the fox bodily. He makes a momentary squeak at the unexpected sensation of finding himself hovering above the ground, then looks up at me, cute and wide eyed as he's cradled in my arms. He's easier to carry than Ryan was, but still I should probably stop doing this or my back will give out eventually.

"I know just the place."

I take him through to my bedroom and lay him face up in the center of the bed. He's damp and drips water the whole way there, but I don't care. I climb onto the bed, between his legs, and continue what I started, my tongue and warm muzzle quickly getting to work pleasuring him. There's no doubt this'll leave me with soggy bedclothes, but fuck it, it's worth it.

Between gasps and moans the fox manages a couple words.

"Hey, wolf?"

I come up for air.

"Yes, fox?"

He stammers and stops himself.

"You know what, don't worry about it." I frown briefly and make to resume my actions, but feeling the tenseness in my pants I instead get off the bed and remove the rest of my clothes. "You are psychic."

"So that's what the trouble was?" I ask. He nods. "I was just trying to give this guy some air." I point at my own hard cock and Adrian laughs, rolling his eyes.

"Well, I'm not complaining, whatever your reasoning. Only..." He pauses as I reclaim my position between his legs. "Only, if you were thinking of taking things further, I should really avoid anything too strenuous with my arms like this. This blowie might be as extreme as I can go for now."

I can't lie, the idea of flipping him over and rutting him after making him cum had passed through my mind, but I didn't have any expectations. I knew this might be the outcome.

"Don't worry foxy, this is all about pleasuring you." I lick the tip of his cock and he shudders in delight once again.

"You're such a generous wolf Kalie," he says. "Don't get me wrong, you can fap and cum all over my ass or something, but I'm just a little frail for the real thing."

"You crass bastard," I say, grinning.

"Hey, look, do you have any idea how much restraint it takes for me to not ask you to ride my ass? It's extremely difficult."

I laugh and nod, and instead of responding directly I get back to work on his dick, lapping the length of it up and down with my tongue before taking it in.

As he moans and loses himself to pleasure a sense of warmth fills me, a feeling that is far more than just the warm, twitching member in my muzzle. It's a feeling of happiness and comfort at spending time with somebody I care about and making them feel good. I feel happy. I feel as though, for once, I am in the right place at the right time doing the right thing.

I tighten my muzzle around his length and increase the speed of my movements. I taste every part of him with my tongue, twisting it around his length, greedily lapping at him and enjoying the taste of his precum. I lose myself to the actions in a way that is rare for me. I usually prefer taking the pleasure for myself but somehow right now, with Adrian, all I want to do is make him happy and in return that makes me happy.

We go on like this for a while, him vocalizing all kinds of cute noises and his good paw alternating between gripping the back of my head and holding onto the bed for stability. My movements continue to intensify and his noises grow louder.

"Oh Kale, I'm- ohhh, I'm close."

He bucks his hips up into my muzzle and lets out a long, slow blissful sigh, on the brink of climax. There's a sharp intake of breath and then, within moments, he is exhaling a ragged, uneven moan as he fills my muzzle with consecutive spurts of his thick seed.

I swallow it all, enjoying and savoring the flavor of him. Once it's all down and I've made sure his cock is clean I pull away and look at his face, finding his eyes closed and tongue lolled out in total bliss. I can't help but chuckle.

"Enjoyed that, did you?"

"I did indeed," he says, his words coming out slow and lazy in the comedown of his climax. "Thank Marty for me next time you see him."

"Why's that?"

"He's turned you into an excellent bottom bitch. First you take it up the ass then you start offering blowjobs without even being asked. You're a changed wolf."

I glare at Adrian and he offers me an innocent puppy smile.

"Well, that's the last time I do something nice for you!" I yell in mock anger.

"Oh, please, no! Can you at least let me ride your ass one time before you get hitched to one of those two lucky bastards?" He's sat up in bed now with me right beside him, my still-hard cock adding an element of absurdity to our appearance.

"Oh, come on! I don't even know what I'm going to do about those two yet."

"Sure, sure, but it sounds like you had a nice weekend with them both. I'm happy for you, seriously." I hesitate and have a false start to a sentence, he capitalizes on my stuttered momentum. "Then again you seemed pretty strongly against going back to fetch your phone when Eve asked about it."

"Yeah, well, I haven't told you the whole story yet." I close my eyes and rub my forehead. "It wasn't all sunshine and rainbows."

I explain about the accusations the two of them had leveled at one another, about Ryan returning home at the worst possible time and my high, hazy escape from the apartment.

"Ah, so it's actually kind of a mess then," he says, succinctly explaining my life away in a sentence.

"Yeah, it's kind of a mess."

We lapse into silence for a while. He yawns and that sets me off too.

It's very late by now.

He slides down the bed a little, then gives up the facade and lays down, his head on a pillow.

"Do you have any idea what you're going to do about them?" He asks finally, his eyes half closed.

"Honestly I'm not quite sure. I was going to spend some time thinking everything through today, but, well, you know."

"Yeah."

"Future me can worry about that."

"Always the best plan," he says, his sarcasm still evident through the layers of exhaustion his voice harbors. "Hey, Kale?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm more tired than I realized, is it okay if we go make up the sofa bed?"

"Don't be silly Adrian, you can sleep here. I'll get out of your way."

"No, wait." His eyes still closed he struggles to search for words. "Its, no, I don't know."

"What is it Adrian?"

"Sorry, it's stupid. Thank you for letting me sleep here. It's just, I know it's inappropriate, and that what you did for me here was only helping out a friend - I'm just tired and not thinking straight - but I was going to say you could sleep next to me if you wanted."

In the presence of the sleepy fox my lids feel heavy and my mind clouded. I'm almost as tired as he is. Maybe if I was more alert I'd say no, maybe if today had gone differently I'd say no, but here I am.

"You know what? I'd love that."

He opens his eyes and grins a giddy, almost childish, grin.

"Really?"

"Really."

I usher him off the bed and lift the covers, letting him back in again, this time shrouded by the warmth of the duvet. I busy myself turning off the electrics in the flat, finishing with the bedroom light. After that, still naked, I slide into bed beside the fox, who is already half asleep.

I tuck an arm under his neck and wrap the other one around his chest, clutching his form against mine.

He moans a different kind of moan. A tired, thankful moan of closeness and appreciation. A moan that would be words to the same effect if he had the energy left to speak them.

I hold him like that for several minutes, staring at his silhouette in the near-perfect dark of the room. The arm under his neck begins to go numb, but I hold it in place regardless. I listen to his breathing and feel him against me. His tail subconsciously wraps its way through my legs and across my back.

His breathing becomes more shallow, less measured or self conscious and eventually I decide he must be asleep.

I kiss the back of his head and give him a little squeeze before finally reclaiming my numbing arm. He stirs and I inwardly scold myself.

He whispers my name: "Kale."

I nuzzle against his neck but say nothing, hoping he will drift back to sleep.

"Kale," he says again, just a touch louder this time.

I guess nuzzling won't do it.

"Yes Adrian?"

"I shouldn't have said those things," he murmurs.

"Which things?"

Deja vu.

"About wishing I was dead. I shouldn't have said that."

There's a stinging in my eyes and I shut them tight. A flood of emotion that I had narrowly managed to lock away threatens to burst forth once more.

"I know Adrian."

"I'm so sorry."

"I know you are."

He softens and makes a quiet grunt of acceptance. I realize then that he's only half awake. He's in that state where you're aware enough that you can basically interact with people, but not conscious enough that you're likely to remember what happened come the morning.

"It's just that, sometimes, I wonder if living is worth it," he mumbles his words in a quiet, slurred speech. I freeze and my mouth seems to dry out. "Sometimes I wonder if living is worth all the pain you have to go through to see each new day."

I don't know what to say. I want to strike down his words, to refute his claims, but more than that I'm curious. I want to understand.

"Why do you say that?"

"Life is three things: pleasure, pain and boredom." His words are drawn out, slowly delivered and poorly enunciated, but I manage to keep track of them. "If in total you have less pleasure than boredom and pain then why bother going on?"

It's a cold outlook. One that sends a shiver to the tip of my tail. I find in it a hint of truth, but mostly I am repulsed. Knowing that Adrian might think this way is hard to take in.

"Why go on? Because A: this life is all we have and B: the equation is not that simple. It can't be. Life means far more than anybody can sum up in a few sentences."

He makes a humming sound as though considerate of my thoughts, but not entirely sold.

"I only think that way sometimes. Other times I want to cling to life more than I want anything."

"Good. That's good to hear, and I want to help you Adrian. I want to make you feel that way all the time."

He makes a contented noise and wriggles gently against me.

"Thanks Kalie."

"Don't mention it fox."

"I love you Kalie."

"I love you too Adrian," I say, without really knowing what the words mean.

His tail tightens around me and within minutes he's snoring. It's a light, repetitive sound, more cute than annoying, at least to my ears.

I listen to him for a long time, not joining him in slumber. At least it feels like a long time to me. Really it could be five minutes or two hours and I wouldn't know the difference.

My mind is simultaneously overwhelmed and completely blank. I think about everything and so I end up thinking about nothing.

Eventually I clear through the debris and hone in on my own problems, primarily my love life. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing with it. Nothing seems to make sense to me anymore. Somewhere in my subconscious I get a flashback to an especially vivid recent dream. I try and hold it in my head but it falls apart before I can properly parse it.

I start to whisper aloud, explaining the dream step by step in an attempt to force myself to remember. I put things in order and try to make some degree of sense out of it all. I talk about the train with no stops, the insane, ever changing setting. I talk about the rotating cast of characters, the untethered and raw sexuality of it all, the closeness and the fucking and the abandonment. The mysterious woman, my inexplicable attraction to her. I talk about the sense of loss as one by one the people I met left me. I talk about trying to find them and the flashing, multicolored exit. And then I was falling. And then...

"All I can remember thinking is: I'm too late." I pause. "And that's about it. It was probably just a fucked up, meaningless dream, but it stuck with me."

I decide I won't be able to get to sleep lying on my side and, moving the fox's tail away carefully, I collapse onto my back.

"I'm no expert on dreams or anything, but I think it was your mind's way of telling you that you don't know what you want." Adrian says, sounding far more alert than when he last spoke. I cringe at the unexpected sound of his voice. I woke him up for real this time.

"I'm sorry, damn it, I didn't mean to wake you. I was just talking to myself, really."

"It's not a problem Kalie. You said earlier that you knew I'd be there for you if you had troubles to talk through, well, here I am, make use of me instead of keeping things inside."

I try to retort but find nothing substantive to say.

"You're right. You're right. Sorry. So, you think the dream was me telling myself I'm clueless?"

"In a sense, yeah. Look at it this way, you were on that train and had no stop to get off at. You met a bunch of different people and enjoyed time with all of them but didn't make a move to stay with any of them. You were confused and indecisive. In the end you felt you were too late. I think the dream was you telling yourself that you should make a decision or risk losing everything. Asleep Kale seems way smarter than awake Kale come to think of it."

"Hey," I protest, swatting at his shoulder pathetically.

"And now you're attacking a cripple."

I laugh out loud.

"That's ridiculous, you can't call yourself a cripple just because of an injured arm. I'm pretty sure that's offensive."

"You're probably right, but I'm tired and nobody else is here and I've already said it so, yeah, I don't care."

"I'll have to let you off then," I say, pause, then: "I really am sorry for waking you."

"Don't mention it. It was interesting to hear about your dream. Especially the part where you were sexually attracted to a woman, I mean," he makes a false gagging sound. "Are you turning bi on me girlfriend?"

I laugh louder.

"I don't think so."

"You don't think so?"

"Women don't get me going, remembering that one time I tried the other side with Eve doesn't stir my loins or anything. I think that was all just some dreamscape weirdness."

"Okay, sure. I was only joking with that gagging thing, I'm not about to get offended by somebody else's sexual orientation. I just might not let you say fag anymore."

"Okay, now that's even more ridiculous than the cripple thing."

"Oh, shut it fag," he says and slaps his tail against my arm playfully. "I'm only joking. So you're sure it's nothing?"

"I'm sure," I say, but something snags in my mind. My memories wander back to the conversation I had with Eve when she was crying down the phone. She asked me why her sex should determine who she can fall in love with. Thinking back on it now the question hit me harder than I'd realized. "Only..."

"Only what?"

"It's nothing to do with the dream, but I had a chat with Eve recently about, uh, about love and sexuality I guess. Since then I've been starting to wonder if love should come down to something more than genitals or gender identity." I sigh. "I don't know. That's probably just tired Kale speaking."

"No, I think there's something to that. I'm still gay as sin, but I hear you. What were you two talking about? Is there a girl in your life you've been thinking about? Is it Eve?"

"No. No, no, no. I mean, I love the hell out of her, but no."

"That's almost too many 'no's to be trustworthy."

"I mean it though. It wouldn't work. There are a lot of reasons including our history and, can you imagine if it went wrong? That would be awful. That would destroy her."

"Why? She's a strong woman."

"It's not that, it's, hell, I learned recently that she was, well, kind of in love with me for quite a while. Bringing all that back for the chance of it shattering all over again? Not happening. And that's ignoring that I wouldn't be able to get it up for her in the first place. Not even a chance."

There's a pause.

"She used to be in love with you?"

"Yeah, that's what she said. That's how we ended up talking about all this sexuality stuff anyway. I guess what she said struck a chord with me."

"So you're not sure you're, uh, fully a hundred percent gay, or...?"

"No, I'm gay, it's just, what I'm trying to say is. Fuck. I don't even know what I'm trying to say."

There's another pause.

The quiet hammers against my skull like a fire alarm.

"A lot of people seem to fall for you don't they."

I sigh.

"Yeah. I don't get it."

"That's part of what makes you such a catch."

"If you say so."

The quiet stretches on for so long this time I wonder if he has fallen asleep again

Then he speaks and it's a barrage of words bursting forth all at once.

"Look, I know it's selfish and stupid to ask this, but I need to get it out of my mind so I can shut up about it once and for all. Is the reason you don't want to be in a relationship with me because you're scared about how it might affect our friendship or is it something else? Are you just straight-up not into me?" I think his question through. I think and I think and I keep on thinking. "Don't worry about offending me, I just need to know the truth about this."

Something about the question doesn't sit right with me, as though some element of it is fundamentally wrong but I can't discern what or why for the life of me.

"Adrian I... I don't know how to answer that."

When he speaks again it sound like he is holding back tears, or maybe pushing through those already silently spilled.

"You know if we tried, if it went wrong, I would still be your friend. We'd be every bit as close as we are now. Eve's already proven it can be done, I'd manage it too. I promise." He chokes out half a sob then stops himself abruptly. "Sorry. This is stupid. I'm stupid. I'm just tired and stressed out and I had a hell of a day and my arms are still in pain and, fuck, I'm sorry Kale. Please can we just pretend I never said any of that stuff. I don't want you to think of me as a needy, clingy fag. That's not who I am, I was just overwhelmed. I'm sorry. I won't let an outburst like that happen again. I promise."

"No, Adrian, it's okay. You deserve an answer. It's just that, well, I don't have one. I really don't know. There has been so much going on in my love life lately that I can barely keep track of it all. I need some time to deal with Ryan and Marty, to think things through, and then I will come back to you and give you an answer. I promise."

A few seconds pass.

"Thank you. Sorry for the outburst."

"Don't mention it," I say, reaching out and stroking his back.

His tail strokes across my chest slowly in response, sending tingles throughout my body.

"You're too good to me. Thanks for putting up with me."

"I don't put up with you Adrian, I enjoy your company. I like being around you and I want to help you when you need help and hear your advice when I need it. You're a wonderful guy Adrian. You will make a very lucky guy incredibly joyful one day. Just make sure I'm the best man at the wedding. I'll make a great speech and share all kinds of embarrassing stories about you."

He laughs a strange little laugh, one tinged with sadness, pain and loss surrounding a core of hope.

"I know I'll get over you eventually Kalie, but I'm not there yet. Thank you though, for being here and for everything you've done for me."

I take hold of the base of his tail and squeeze gently.

"And I'll keep being here for you, always. Until we're both old and gray. Until we're both only memories. Always."

He twists about entirely in the bed and wraps his good arm around me in as tight an embrace as he can manage. He nestles his head into my shoulder once again and where his eyes meet my fur I feel the sensation of dampness. Maybe he's not fully dry from the scrub down, but, no. He has definitely been crying. Maybe he's still crying now.

"Kale, I won't keep saying this, I know it's unfair, but on this day of all days I'm going to take one last indulgence and say it again: I love you."

I stroke his hair and nuzzle his ear and whisper low:

"I know you do, fox. I know you do."

I kiss his forehead. He looks up at me, I can't make out his features in the dark but I get a sense of his shape and distance. I lick his nose and he giggles.

He squeezes me again and then doesn't make another sound.

He falls asleep quickly, arm still wrapped around me.

I'm comfortable, but restless.

I stare at the ceiling, imagining the swirling darkness above to be the vastness of space. I reach out a paw and capture a distant star. It quickly evaporates between my fingers.

Seemingly without provocation, the strangest sensation washes over me. It's an unwanted feeling, an altered state of mind as though the entire world is a fabrication, as though nothing I have ever experienced has truly been real.

I try and mentally recreate the day I just lived through, but it doesn't come together, it is a mess of disparate moments that don't make sense when looked at in unison.

In fact

Actually

None of it makes sense.

The blood.

All that blood.

What if I arrived ten minutes later?

Ten minutes.

Ten minutes later and he'd be dead. Almost certainly.

Ten minutes.

That's all it could have taken.

Ten fucking minutes.

Maybe a little more.

Maybe a little less.

He could be dead.

He would be dead.

I reach a paw out and it feels like he isn't moving.

I reach further and feel his belly and concentrate.

He breathes in.

He breathes out.

Stupid wolf just listen.

He breathes in.

He breathes out.

He's alive.

He is alive.

Ten more minutes and maybe he wouldn't be.

I'm a terrible person.

I'm a failure as a friend.

He could have died.

He could have fucking died.

"Fuck."

I stare at the ceiling and watch the universe expand.

In comparison to the vastness of time and space we are nothing.

I think about the razor blade in my wallet.

I think about all that blood.

I think about the laughing, smiling, living, breathing fox beside me.

I think about how little time ten minutes really is.

I wonder how I'd feel if I arrived those ten minutes later.

It becomes a vivid scenario in my mind.

I run though it over and over.

Oh god.

I'm sweating.

I feel wrong. Out of place. Out of time.

I'm scared.

I can't hear my fox.

I can't hear him.

It's because you're breathing too loud, idiot.

You're fucking hyperventilating.

I feel his belly.

He breathes in.

He breathes out.

I get up, I make myself a glass of water. I start drinking it. I feel sick. I feel scared.

Did I make it all up?

I return to the bedroom and he's there.

He breathes in.

He breathes out.

I watch him.

I go to the bathroom and throw up for the second time today.

That's not like me.

Is he okay?

I return to my room.

I sit up in bed with my glass of water and watch him sleep.

He breathes in.

He breathes out.

It's okay Kale, it's okay.

He's alive.

You won't be sleeping tonight.

No.

But he's alive.