FSE

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Entering my apartment side by side with Adrian feels natural. I thought maybe this would be awkward, him staying here for a few nights, but it's not at all. I enjoy his company, and knowing he's so close makes me feel somehow safer and less anxious.

We decide to relax and lounge around on my sofa for a while. I put on a show I only half care about and we settle down, his head lazily leaning against me as I sit back and enjoy the moment. There are many difficulties ahead, that's clear, but they abate in the face of our calm.

The episode neither of us are paying much attention to eventually ends and the fox lifts his head.

"Hey, Kale."

"Yeah?"

"Are you doing okay?" He asks.

It's ridiculous.

He almost killed himself yesterday and he's asking me if I'm 'doing okay'. I don't know how to respond. Nothing comes out of my open muzzle for several seconds.

"Adrian..." I shake my head. "Don't worry about me."

"Just because I have my own troubles doesn't mean I'm going to start ignoring yours."

He clutches one of my paws in his good one.

"Thank you Adrian, really, but I'm fine. I've got a little saved up and I'm sure I'll find a job soon, even if it's not an ideal one. It's not a huge problem right now. The only thing that seriously bothers me is that I'm not likely to end up working with you any more, we might be on different schedules, or working far across the city from one another. We wont be able to have those after work coffee dates any more." I pause. The thought of it is more upsetting than I'd realized before putting it all into words. "I'll really miss that, you know?"

"I know," he says, quiet. "But we'll make our friendship work. We always have before. And of course I'll understand if you don't have as much time for me with a different job, and your new boyfriend, and whatever else, but I'll still be here for you. I'll still want to see you as often as you can make time for me."

Behind his supportive words there's a sort of gut-wrenching resigned sadness that eats away at me. My subconscious hammers at the back of my head, trying to tell me something, but it fails to get the message through.

I pull the fox into a hug.

"I'll make as much time for you as I possibly can. You're my favorite fox and you always will be." I kiss his forehead, at a loss for more words, but knowing the ones I've spoken fall short of my feelings.

I'm unhappy all of a sudden, and though I can point to several possible causes, none of them seem to me a totally accurate summation. It's as though the universe is out of alignment, as though something isn't in its right place and I just can't pinpoint what.

"Thanks Kale," he says simply.

Maybe I'm projecting, but I think I hear doubt in his words. Things are changing, it seems to me he doesn't believe they'll go well.

As for me: I don't know what's going to happen, and that scares me.

There's a silence that lasts between us through the duration of another whole episode of the show neither of us are really watching. When the credits roll I pause the stream.

"Are you hungry? I was thinking of making some dinner." I say, standing up and stretching. "After that I should probably get to updating my resume and making some applications."

Adrian looks at me and frowns.

"Hey, you've had a rough day, if you want to do that stuff now I won't stop you, but there's no shame in taking a night to yourself and starting fresh in the morning. It might help you focus."

I stare at him blankly, trying to work out what would be best and failing to figure out anything. Maybe it's a sign that he's right. My brain is pretty fried right now.

"Thanks, I'll take your advice. We can just chill tonight and I'll go at my job search with a vengeance tomorrow morning."

"That's my Kalie." His tail wags.

"So, what do you want for dinner?" I ask, some memory snagging in my mind as I speak. Damn it, I forgot, I'm pretty much out of food.

"Oh, that, I was going to say... you're being so generous by letting me stay here, and with all that you've done for me, I was thinking I could order something in for us. Pizza, maybe. How does that sound?"

With his grin and kind proposal, all of a sudden I'm smiling again. What he's doing is a small gesture really, but here and now it means a lot to me.

"I'm not about to say no to free pizza."

We decide on an order together and then, while he's fiddling around on his phone to finalize details, I remember my own.

I pull the phone out of my pocket and go to wake it up. Before clicking it into life a chill courses through me.

All those missed calls and messages Adrian left are going to be there, waiting for me.

I have an impulse to hurl the phone at the nearest wall, or break it in two, but no.

I put it back in my pocket.

"Order's in." Adrian announces cheerily.

I put the missed calls out of my mind and force myself to look happy.

"Thanks Adrian."

"No need for thanks Kale. Really I should thank you again for letting me stay here."

I nod.

"It's nothing, really."

He smiles.

There's a moment of silence and our conversation collapses. Soon enough quiet threatens to settle on the room. I notice my mind wandering, trying to pull me back to darker, more destructive thoughts. I have to consciously fight to force myself to focus on the present and find something to say.

"So... how was your visit to Eve's? What did you two get up to?"

"Oh, yeah," he pauses, touches the tip of his finger to the side of his muzzle and stares into space. "It was really good. She's a... she's a really strong person. I guess I always knew that, but, I mean, she's really amazing."

"Definitely. I don't know what either of us would do without her."

He laughs a dark little laugh.

"Yeah," he says, then lets out a sigh. "Yeah." His gaze drifts toward me. "Hey, Kalie?"

"Yes, Adrian?"

"She really loves you, you know?"

"I, uh..."

"Oh, don't worry, it's not like that. Well, not really. What I'm trying to say is that she's glad she has you in her life. Well, she's glad for both of us, but you specifically. That girl is amazing, just... just make sure you take care of her the same way you take care of me if she ever needs it." His suddenly serious tone knocks my fragile mind into a state of bewilderment. He offers a smile as a peace treaty.

"O-of course I would. But, I mean, she's so strong, so dependent. I doubt she'd ever need me like that. I don't mean to be dismissive. And if she does need me I'll be there in a heartbeat, of course." I phrase my words carefully, trying to figure out what Adrian is implying, if anything. He doesn't offer an explanation so I continue. "Unless there's something she said that concerned you." I pause. Still, he says nothing. My pulse quickens. "Was there something like that?"

"Kale, when you have less shit going on in your own life you should ask her yourself. You know what Kale? I love your positivity, she does too, it's part of what draws us to you, but damn if you can't be a big, dumb, blind wolf sometimes. I'll just say this: everybody has their stresses, their struggles, their secrets. Eve included..." He pauses, considers, continues. "Eve included."

The words hit a chord with me. I fall into a mental spiral, questioning everything.

What does he mean. What have I missed this time?

Why can't I see what's going on under my own damn nose?

Flashbacks form, fragments of memories, some fresh and recent. Eve called me and started crying over the phone, she said she hasn't told me everything. She's been hiding something from me. I told Eve that Adrian was in hospital, she told me she had ignored his calls. Why would she do that? Further back, before all this started, she called me and told me she wasn't doing well, I said she should take some time off, go on holiday. She took my advice. I hope it helped, but maybe there was more to it than simple stress. Before that, more signs and hints that things might not be quite right - the way she'd change subjects at random sometimes, or end calls out of nowhere - I thought she was being silly, zany, that she was just that kind of person, but what if I misread her?

I've assumed she's always cheery and happy and in control because that's the persona she chooses to show me. Kale, you idiot. As though people are so one dimensional. As though anything is so simple.

"What exactly are you saying Adrian?"

"She can tell you herself, when you're ready. And, even more importantly, when she's ready."

A sense of escalating anxiety builds up inside me all over again. I'm a terrible friend. I'm a shortsighted fool. I'm hyperventilating.

"I'll call her."

I reach for my phone, pulling it out in front of me.

"No! Don't. Listen to me. She'll talk to you when she's ready Kalie. Stop worrying. She's doing well right now. It's... she just hid a few things about herself from you. From us. Nothing that will make you love her any less, nothing so urgent that you should force it out from her. So, please Kalie, leave her alone for now."

A myriad of voices yell their arguments inside my head, but the most clear and reasoned of them all is Adrian's. I calm down a little, my breathing slows, I nod.

"Okay. You're right. I'll leave her. And, yeah, I should appreciate her more. And you too. I haven't appreciated either of you as much as I should have. Sorry for acting like that, I've had so much on my mind recently. It's been affecting me, clearly."

Adrian's whole face darkens. He then looks to the phone in my paw and scrunches his eyes shut.

"I'm sorry," he says, throat dry.

He thinks this is all his fault.

"No, Adrian, no. Don't apologize. Don't. We've been through this."

He nods, silent, then shakes himself jerkily as if he'd just woken up to a splash cold water.

"Okay," he pauses, his eyes open once more, gaze still locked on my phone. He indicates it with a flick of his muzzle "I almost forgot about that."

"Yeah." I say.

"Have you looked at the messages?"

"No. Not yet."

His muzzle hangs open in indecision for a few seconds before he speaks.

"Could you... would you let me delete them for you?"

"What?"

"Those messages, they... they aren't right. That isn't how I feel any more. They'll only hurt you."

Part of me wants to hand it over, let the fox erase history and forget everything but another, more powerful, part of me stuffs the phone away before I can respond.

"I need to see them."

It's not me saying that, at least it doesn't feel like it. It's not Adrian either. I don't really know who it is.

He stares into my eyes.

I stare into his.

It feels as though a long time passes.

"Okay," he says. "Just remember, that's not me anymore."

"Okay," I say.

And that's that.

More quiet. It's a dynamic that would have been impossible only a week ago. So much has changed between us in such a short time. I only wish more of it was for the better.

This time Adrian does his best to revive the conversation.

"So what exactly did you end up doing today? I mean with how work went and everything..." He rubs the back of his head and avoids my gaze, embarrassed at his clunky choice of words. He tries to recover. "Sorry... Dom's a total bastard. I don't blame you- I mean, He deserved it and you were under pressure. I get it. I would have done the same thing in your place"

I grit my teeth and nod. I do my best to reply honestly through the mist of mixed emotion and mounting fatigue, going through the events of the day with him, telling him about meeting Marty and my chance encounter with Ryan, but only in sparse detail, my exhausted mind unable to hold focus even on events that took place mere hours ago.

He offers brief acknowledgment to my empty outlines and the conversation inevitably dies down once again.

I struggle for words so long that the pizza arrives before we manage any more substantive conversation.

We eat and the food revives our small talk easily enough, but I feel a lingering sense of unresolved unease throughout, like there's an eerie presence in the room that we're both inappropriately ignoring, and have been ignoring for a while now.

As soon as I think about it directly I know exactly what it is. Of course I do.

It seem he and Eve are content to let it lie for now. I was too for a while there, but...

That can't be right, can it?

I'm still not certain I should just bring it up directly, but how can we all ignore something like that? The more I think about it the more I'm sure it's not right.

I wasn't there for him before, I need to be now.

In fact, nothing else matters. Fuck peace of mind and easygoing tranquility. I need to make sure Adrian is okay.

"Adrian, I..." I try and fail the straightforward approach, words and ideas congealing in my throat. "Yesterday... It was..."

He holds a half eaten slice of pizza completely still in his paw as he listens, staring at it listlessly.

"I know."

"I wish we could just... but..."

"I know."

"What I'm trying to say... What I'm trying to ask... it's..."

"Kalie..."

"No, it's important. We need to speak about this. If we don't talk about it how can I know that you're really doing any better? That it won't happen again? I can't let it happen again."

Flashbacks to my sleepless night. Those waking nightmares. Ten minutes. That could have been the difference. Life or death. I'm shaking. I haven't slept. I'm twitching. God I need a fucking cigarette. I don't have any. Fuck.

"It won't happen again."

His voice is strained.

He's still staring at that slice of pizza. I notice his grip tighten until he's crushing part of the crust.

"Adrian, talk to me. How are you holding up?"

There's a pause. He breathes in, slow and deliberate.

"I'm - honestly Kalie - I'm okay." His eyes linger on the pizza slice for just another second, then break free spectacularly and shift focus to me. He takes another bite.

"I don't want to be a pushy bastard but I'm gonna need more than 'I'm okay' from you hon." I do my best to sound positive and casual despite the intensity of the topic and my own stilted delivery. It doesn't go so well.

"It's the truth. I'm doing a lot better. I won't lie and say I'm totally fixed, but after spending time with you and Eve - talking with both of you - my head is far clearer. I'm more lucid now. I wish I could say everything is solved, but I can't. What I can tell you is I won't let anything like that happen again. Ever. I promise you."

His words are salve, but they are not all-healing.

I've known it for a long time, but only recently have I really taken it seriously: people lie. Even people that love you.

How can I be certain that he's telling the truth? It seems impossible.

I make my pathetic attempt.

"Are you sure?"

"Of course I'm sure."

He smiles. It's warm and full of the life he almost lost.

I see the past: he's lying there covered in blood.

I see an alternate timeline: I move up to him, try to find his pulse and... he's dead.

I see him in front of me: he's sat across my small dining table, smiling.

"Okay." I say weakly.

An internal struggle.

Is there more I should do to verify his claim? Am I failing him if I just accept it and move on? What happened yesterday... it was...

How do you move on from something like that?

I can't find answers. I'm tired. I need a cigarette. I need a fucking job. Fuck.

"Okay," he mimics. A sense of relief oozing from him. He visibly settles at my acceptance. I hope it's a good sign, that it merely means he's glad I accepted the truth, but the opposite could just as easily be true. He could be glad he got his lie past me so smoothly.

How am I supposed to know what's real anymore?

He could have died.

He's dead.

He's right there.

I need to sleep. I can't finish this pizza. I need to smoke. I need... I don't even fucking know.

What I do know is that I can't do this.

"Hey, Adrian, I didn't want to end things early, but I'm truly exhausted. I didn't end up getting much sleep last night and to be honest with you I can barely think straight right now. I'm gonna head to bed if that's alright with you."

His eyes go wide; this evidently isn't what he expected me to say.

"Of course, that's fine. You go get settled. I'll stay up by myself a bit longer. I won't disturb you though, I'll sleep on the couch tonight."

"No, it's fine. Just come to bed when you're ready, I'll probably be out like a rock. Even if you wake me it's not a problem, I think I'll sleep better if you're beside me anyway."

He hesitates, thinks better of contradicting me and nods.

"Okay, no problem. I'll come through in a couple hours. Sleep well then Kalie."

"Thanks foxy."

"Nothing to thank me for, except maybe the pizza. I'll box the rest of yours up for the morning. But, anyway, goodnight and sweet dreams."

His grinning face is the last I see of him before I'm sat in bed in my underwear, his after-image painting the insides of my eyelids.

I notice that my phone is in my paw. I barely remember how it got there.

I want to wake it, to see what I missed, but doing that would open the floodgates to something I don't know I'm yet ready for. The whole prospect of delving into Adrian's half-suicidal state of mind is terrifying.

I close my eyes and in the darkness I watch Adrian grinning and wishing me a good night all over again. Then I see him lying down, eyes closed, his breathing shallow, his fur spattered with blood. Then I see him sitting alone in the dark frantically calling me, texting me. No answer, no answer. He's running out of options, he's...

I click a button to wake the phone.

Notification after notification.

More missed calls, unread texts and voicemails than I've ever had before. Almost all of them from Adrian.

I stare at the screen.

I keep staring.

...

Fuck.

I'm entirely overwhelmed. I don't know how to react. At the same time I feel a mix of emotions course through me: I'm sad, angry, disgusted, scared and more.

All I can do is work through the messages or delete them.

There's no way I'm going to delete them.

Fuck.

I start with the texts, reading through one by one, starting with the earliest.

They begin:

Sorry for calling, it's probably a bad time. Could you call back later?

Hey Kalie, I know we didn't part on great terms the last time we spoke, but I really need someone to talk to tonight, please call when you can <3

Later:

I'm sorry for bitching, for fucking everything up, but please Kale. Pick up the phone! I need you

I really, really need to talk to you

A_re you ignoring me or are you not there?_

Later still:

I'm sorry for all the texts and calls, at this point I'm just pissing you off and wasting your time

This is all my fucking fault I'm such an idiot I'm sorry for ever bugging you ignore me I'm sorry

At the end:

I love you. Sorry for everything. I'll try to call one more time because I'm a deluded freak, but then I'll stop.

Frozen in place I take a second to myself before I bring up the voicemail service. It tells me there are five messages to listen to. With a deep breath I start them and hear Adrian's voice almost immediately.

In the first one he's civil, but stiff and a little apologetic. He wants to talk to me, he's sorry for the argument we had.

The next two are similar but each one is a little more intense, manic, strained until it's intensely obvious something is very wrong.

How the fuck did me and Eve let this happen?

Why didn't he try to talk to somebody else, an acquaintance or a therapist?

How did all three of us just let this fucking happen?

In the fourth message he's crying. He cries down the phone for what feels to me like several minutes. It sets me off almost immediately. The all too familiar feeling of tears running down my cheeks greets me once again, less like an old friend, more like a stalking psycho-killer.

Finally finding words he says my name, then says Marcus, then cries again. He says he needs me, then he mutters something angrily under his breath that I can't hear and it's over.

All my muscles are tensed as the last voicemail begins to play. I'm still crying quietly to myself as I relive the fox's trauma in this awful, intimate and terrifying way. If only I didn't leave my fucking phone at Marty and Ryan's. If only I had listened to Adrian earlier, or seen the signs, or more accurately if I'd not fucking screwed my eyes shut when they flared up in front of me. He made it all so clear and I ignored him, over and over.

It's haunting me.

The final voicemail plays. It's the sound of a broken fox.

"Kale." He sighs, truly exasperated. "I love you. I'm about to do something terrible, something really stupid, and I just want you to know it's not your fault." He breathes in and out heavily, deliberately. I imagine him standing in front of his bathroom mirror, one paw with his phone pressed against his ear, the other twirling around the razor blade. The silence lasts for aeons. "It's not your fault."

Static crackle. Sharp beep.

If you'd like to listen again press one.

It's over.

The voicemail just ends there.

That's all there is to it.

If you'd like to save the message press two.

I throw the phone violently across the room and it crashes into the wall with a loud smack. I make a brief anguished yell and sob openly.

Seconds later Adrian bursts into the room, wide eyed and with perked ears, worried and asking what happened in a rushed slurry of words.

I feel ridiculous and pathetic as I point at the phone wordlessly, another involuntary sob rising out of me.

He looks at it. He looks at me. He grimaces. He picks it up from where it's laying on the floor and turns it around in his paws, examining it. The screen is cracked. He presses a button and it lights up. At least it's still working. He passes it back to me.

He doesn't ask what happened.

"Your texts. Those voicemails..." I begin. He wraps his good arm around me and squeezes me as tight as he can. "I could have stopped it. I could have stopped it."

He holds me while I cry, minute after minute, and says nothing.

When I'm finally done he nuzzles softly into my neck and whispers: "It's not your fault."

Somehow, when he says it this time, I find comfort. I hug him and bury my muzzle into his shoulder.

Eventually he disentangles and after, tired and drained, I droop into the mattress, already halfway to sleep. He sits there and watches me for a few more minutes then leaves, turning the light off on his way out and not saying another word.

Most of me wants to embrace sleep more than it wants anything, but a small part of me is blaring on high alert, asking over and over: where is my fox?

He only just left and I already miss him.

Then another thought: Ryan.

Why am I thinking about Ryan?

A blurry fragment of memory plays out before me.

He asked me to call him. I said I would.

I shouldn't do it tonight though.

Shouldn't.

I'm exhausted and stressed yet, somehow, I want to do it. There was something about him when I saw him today. Something wasn't right.

I see Adrian bleeding out in front of me.

I see Ryan's troubled visage from this afternoon.

This might be important. I shouldn't ignore him. I should call him.

Do it tomorrow.

No, today.

No...

Fuck. I don't know.

I sit up once more and look at my phone's cracked, blank resting screen.

I'm still deciding what to do when there's a loud sound, a buzzing and the screen lights up.

I'm getting a call from Marty.

I stare at the phone with a scowl, confused.

It's still only nine at night. God, my internal clock is fucked.

I have no idea what this is going to be about. I could ignore it and call him in the morning, but after the voicemails that feels so wrong.

I answer.

"Hey Marty."

"Hi Kale, do you have time to chat?"

I'm fucking exhausted, but...

"Yeah, sure, what's up?"

"Well, a couple things actually." The otter's voice is steady, light, caring, thoughtful. It perks me up a little and forces me to listen in.

"Sure. Let's talk."

"How are you holding up? Seems you haven't had the best start to your week."

Without thinking I laugh.

"Yeah, you could say that." The laughter morphs into a sigh. "How am I holding up? I don't know, I'll be alright. It's not just the job it's... I need some time."

"Yeah, I totally get that. And, maybe this is too soon, but I was wondering if you wanted to come round and just hang out some time this week. Or weekend. Whenever suits you. It doesn't have to be a date, nothing sexy has to happen you know?" He laughs a surprisingly nervous, self-effacing laugh. "I just miss you, and I want to be a friend to you... even if nothing else."

The words are fragile in a way I rarely hear from him.

"Oh, Marty, it's not that. I just-"

"You just need time. I know, I didn't mean to-"

"No, you didn't do anything wrong." I pause, do my best to think. "Would Ryan be there?"

"No, well, probably not. I'd rather schedule around him. It's just that we've not been on the greatest of terms lately. I- we can talk more about it when you come round, if you decide to."

"Sure, I'm not about to pressure you into giving details when I... when I haven't told you everything about my own week."

I remember Ryan's state today and a strange wash of mixed emotion crashes over me. I remind myself I need to call him. Tomorrow. Tomorrow, definitely. Whatever drama is going on between them is definitely affecting them both, so it follows that I should be there for both of them.

"Yeah, thanks Kale. I appreciate that. And hey, if you do decide to come over, maybe you could bring Adrian with you. I enjoyed meeting him and wouldn't mind the chance to catch up. It's just an option, but I thought I'd bring it up."

"I'll ask him and, yeah, we should meet up," I think about Adrian's injuries. When did he say the bandages could come off? "Maybe Friday? I'm not quite sure yet. I'll get back to you with a date within a day or two if that's alright."

"That's perfect, and thanks Kale. I'm really looking forward to it."

"Do you have any particular plans for us, or?"

"I was hoping to hang out, chat, maybe smoke some or snort, or..." He laughs and I join in with a short, dry chuckle.

"Maybe, maybe. That was quite the experience," I say. "Fucked with my head a bit, but it was fun.

"I'm glad you enjoyed it. But really, I'm up for anything, we could go out or whatever. I want to spend time with you, that's the most important thing."

I agree, but make no firm arrangements as we work on winding down our conversation.

"Oh, and, I hope your ass isn't still sore from Sunday," he remarks casually, his sense of suave confidence having gradually returned throughout the duration of our call.

The memory of the otter taking me springs to life in my mind. I close my eyes and relive it. It's instantly titillating and gratifying, yet still a little confusing. It's certainly not my usual position and the physical and emotional effects were so new and novel to me I can hardly say quite I how I feel about the whole thing. I'm glad it happened, I think, but that's about all I can say for now.

"Not so much anymore, but I'll admit I was feeling it on Monday."

"I'll have to be rougher next time, make sure you feel it for a week." He lets out a single, cocky laugh, then humbles himself. "If there ever is a next time, of course."

"Of course," I say, not letting him in on my thoughts on the matter, barely knowing them myself.

There's a brief pause, then he pipes up in a quieter voice than before.

"One last thing," his words are carefully enunciated, and thoughtfully lain out. "How was Ryan when you saw him today?"

Another brief pause as I ponder how to tackle the question.

No matter their troubles, they've been very close for a long time. I should be open and tell Marty the truth.

"Honestly? He seemed pretty troubled. Maybe I was reading too much into it, he didn't say anything specific, but it seemed to me like he had a lot on his mind. It was really affecting him."

The otter hums low.

"Did he say anything about me?"

"Nothing more than you said about him," I reply simply, thinking back to their shared proclamation that I shouldn't trust everything the other says.

He sighs, audibly.

"Thanks for telling me. I hope the two of us can patch things up," he concentrates on his every word, coming across as utterly sincere. "I love the guy, and maybe I shouldn't say this, but he can be paranoid as hell sometimes. He sees enemies where there are none and it has put a strain on us, it's..." his voice trails off for a few moments and I'm left to digest his words, only partially-succeeding in my sleep deprived state. "Never mind. Thanks for chatting Kale, I can't wait to see you."

"Thank you too, it's been good. I'll get back with a date as soon as I can."

"Perfect."

We share a few more words, say our goodbyes and then I'm once again left in the near-silent dark of my bedroom.

I lie down putting the conversation out of my mind, finally completely out of mental energy and obligations.

I make the poor assumption that sleep will come easily.

I close my eyes.

Nothing happens.

There's tiredness aplenty, but no rest. There's not even any thoughts or waking dreams, just nothing. Nothing at all.

Time stands still, or maybe it skips, I can't tell.

I don't know when it is or how long has passed or how much time is passing.

All I know is that I can't sleep.

At some point I hear pacing around the apartment, outside my door, then past.

I hear flowing water.

It's Adrian, he'll be washing himself alone with that arm still all bound up.

You idiot Kale, you forgot all about that. You should get up now and help him.

But if I go now he'll be upset that he woke me and he'll tell me to go back to sleep. It would be worse for the both of us.

The only thing for it is to wait.

He seems to take forever.

I imagine the painstaking and awkward process he's going through and hate myself all over again.

He almost died because of me, and now I can't even go out there and help him? I'm fucking worthless.

I should be the injured one, the suffering one, Adrian doesn't deserve that. He has never wronged me. I doubt he's ever truly wronged anyone.

He almost died because of me.

After an eternity he approaches the bedroom once more. This time he opens the door to a flood of light, easily evident even behind closed eyelids. He clicks off the hallway lights and enters in the gloom, using his vulpine eyes to offset the difficulties of navigation in the dark.

I stay still, lying on my back, eyes closed. I don't want him to worry that he's woken me or, worse, to realize I haven't slept at all.

He gets into bed, slowly, carefully, and lays on his side right next to me.

A sense of comfort washes through my mind and body. I feel his tail flick against my leg and I can't help but smile.

I'm so overwhelmingly happy that he's here, that he's alive, breathing.

Without a word I roll into my side and wrap an arm around his bare chest. He twitches, then settles and lets out a little pleasured sound.

"Kalie?" He whispers my name as a question.

I don't respond.

He chuckles to himself quietly.

With the fox in my grip I finally find myself drifting off, feeling happier and more content than I have any right to.

Adrian wiggles himself into a more comfortable position, pressing his body against mine, his rear pushed against my crotch. I have underwear on but I'm not sure he's wearing a thing. I pull my arm in towards me, holding him ever tighter and closer. He makes another cute, happy sound and it makes me feel so much better about yesterday, about today, about everything.

Still and quiet, his warm living body on mine: perfection.

He murmurs something as I'm drifting.

He loves me.

I think that's what he says.

Even after everything.

It doesn't make sense to me. But I guess that doesn't matter.

Finally, with him safe in my arms, I find sleep.