FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

"Good afternoon, sir."

"Hi. Pleased to meet you, mister..."

"You can call me Anders." Anders shook the raccoon's proffered paw as he was led into an office. "Thank you for letting me come in, by the way. I really appreciate it."

"It's no problem, Anders. Please have a seat. You can call me Mike."

Anders walked into the indicated room and gave it a quick glance around. It looked like an ordinary therapy office with plenty of furniture; nothing special. He chose a comfy spot on the couch and sat down. Mike the raccoon took a seat across from him, leaning back and folding his hands on his lap.

"I thought I'd start by asking you some questions," said Mike. "Is that okay?"

"Yes of course, go ahead!" Anders said almost giddily. After making countless phone calls trying to find a place that would admit Nathan into an alcoholism program, he had finally found a solution.

"So, first things first. Why have you come in today?"

"My husband has a problem with alcohol," Anders replied. "And I need help to help him get better."

Mike hesitated. "I see. Has he been admitted into an alcoholism program? There are a few really good ones in the area."

"I've talked to him about it. He doesn't want to be helped," said Anders sadly. "And no one wants to take him in if he doesn't come to them himself."

Mike seemed even more conflicted. "Then maybe it would be best for you to try and convince him? After all, not much can be done if he isn't willing..."

Anders began to panic. He had gotten this far; he didn't want to be refused now! "Like I said, he won't listen to me. I was hoping if - wait," he paused. "You're not...homophobic, are you?"

The raccoon's eyes widened. "No, of course not! I make it a point in my family not to pursue that line of thinking. It's just..." Mike hesitated again. "It's really not conventional to try to help one person _through_another without actually talking to him myself. I think you may be in the wrong place -"

"No, please!" Anders pleaded. "I've called every_place I can find nearby, and no one will take him because they want him to call them himself! So I thought that maybe you can help _me help him. Please, I'll do anything; I'm all he's got!"

Mike still appeared uncertain. "I'm not sure this is okay for me to do..."

"Sure it is," Anders said quickly. "It's your job to help people in need, right? Well, I'm in need! Please, I'll pay you extra!"

Mike boggled at the proposition and waved his hands. "No, no need for anything like that. I'm sorry, I've just never done things in quite this way before. But I promise I'll do my very best to help you."

Anders sighed and relaxed against the cushions. "Thank you. Thank you so much."

Mike smiled. "I'm glad to help. Now, sorry about that little setback, but I'm ready to continue with the questions if you are."

"Of course, please continue."

"I'll start with some questions about your background first, if you don't mind," said Mike. "Though purely out of curiosity, where are you from? I can't quite place your accent."

Anders smiled at the friendly gesture. "I'm from a town in southern Norway. You wouldn't be able to pronounce the name."

"I figured it was somewhere in Europe," Mike remarked. "How long did you live there?"

"Oh, a very long time," Anders contemplated. "I remember I had just finished med school before I moved to the US."

"You're a doctor! That's nice. What do you specialize in?"

"I work in the emergency room."

"Interesting. That's what I wanted to do before I decided to go for psychology instead," Mike said pleasantly. "And did you and your husband both live in Norway before you moved?"

"No, just me," Anders replied. "Nate - that's my husband's name - he already lived in the US before I moved so we could get married."

"That's sweet," said Mike, still sitting perfectly relaxed in his armchair. The absence of a notepad or clipboard definitely helped to ease the tension quite a bit. "How did you two meet, if you don't mind me asking?"

"We met online. There was this live stream that we both watched," Anders explained fondly. He cast his mind back, remembering just how he and Nate had happened upon each other. "The streamer was really into health and fitness and that was what most of his content was about. As a medical student, I watched him for the general health information because it was interesting. Nate was really into building muscle and watched him for tips and advice."

"I see. So this live stream is what brought you together?" Mike asked politely.

"Not exactly. There's more." An encouraging smile from the raccoon gave him assurance to continue. "At one point we got into an argument. It was stupid really. Somehow Nate got it into his head that it was bad to eat any kind of sweet or sugary foods. Ever." Anders chuckled. "I mean, you'd think he knew better since he was learning to teach physical education."

"That is strange, I agree," Mike nodded. "Maybe he was a bit biased because of his hobby? Bodybuilders are supposed to be very strict with their diet, right?"

"Nah, he never took it that seriously," Anders said with a wry grin. "Not to the point of wanting to go pro or anything. He just did it for fun. Anyway," he continued. "Of course I disagreed, so we argued about it for a bit. But it never got heated and we were still friendly to each other at the end of it."

"And how did you two end up being together?" Mike inquired.

"Well, long story short, we started talking more and more after that. Eventually we both learned the other was gay and grew that much closer. It got to the point where we were exchanging pictures and soon after, he asked me to be his boyfriend."

His heart leaped in his chest at the happy memory. Anders couldn't remember a happier time than what he had spent with Nate. "After we both graduated, we arranged for Nate to come over to Norway to visit me. I met him at the airport and that's where we had our first kiss." Anders sniffled. "And we had our first date that night, too. A lot of firsts happened that day," he finished with a bit of a blush.

"Did he seem overly health conscious while he was there?"

"No. Not anymore than usual, I mean," Anders replied. With a smile, he said, "I actually took him out for ice cream after, just for good measure."

Mike chuckled in response. "I suppose he had that coming. It sounds like you two got along quite well."

"We did," said Anders. "We do."

_ _ "So when did you start to notice he had a problem?" Mike asked.

"About a month ago," Anders sighed as he was brought back down to earth. "I came back from work one night and found him sitting on the couch with a beer. I could tell he'd already had a lot because he was really drunk. And he was crying."

Mike's expression became sympathetic, his gaze silently urging the coyote to go on.

"He just looked so miserable." Anders found himself holding back a different kind of tears now. "I tried asking him what was wrong, but he wouldn't tell me. Or couldn't, I don't know. But I sat there while he just cried in my arms for a while. I couldn't bear to see him like that."

"Did you ever get him to tell you anything about what happened?"

"No."

"Hmm." Mike hummed thoughtfully. "If he was that upset, I'd imagine it had something to do with something very close to him. Does he ever talk about his family?"

"No," Anders replied. "He's always been kind of shy about that subject."

"How about his social life? Does he have many friends?" Mike inquired.

Anders shrugged. "Not that I know of. He's got plenty of coworkers that he sees every day, but I don't know if he considers them friends..."

"Fair enough. Without him here, it's hard to find the cause. Or causes; usually with alcoholism there's more than one reason for their addiction." Mike tapped a finger on one of his armrests as he thought. "If I were to make a diagnosis right now, I'd say his alcohol problem stems from a history of depression."

The coyote's heart dropped. "So you mean he's been hiding his depression all this time without telling me?"

"I can't be sure of anything. Like I said, without asking him myself it's difficult," said Mike. "But if he does have a history of depression, I'd say that's definitely a leading cause. Whatever happened a month ago must have just made it that much worse."

Anders slumped in defeat. When he spoke, his voice was distant. "I'm a doctor..." He whined. "I should have seen all this before it was too late. Why didn't I...?"

"Don't beat yourself up about it, Anders. When you're close to the situation, it's not at all uncommon to overlook these things. It's okay," Mike reassured him. "Now, I still stand by what I said. The best way to help him with his alcohol problem would be to find a program. But," he held up a finger. "If that's not an option, then you need to do everything you can to help him."

"But I've tried that," Anders insisted desperately. "I've done everything I can. That's why I came to you!"

Mike leaned forward. "And I'm telling you that you're not as powerless as you think. You can make a difference. If he won't listen when you try to talk to him, show_him that you care. _Show him that he doesn't need alcohol to be happy. Take him out, do nice things for him. And then maybe he'll tell you what's wrong and try you can both help him get better. Maybe he'll even agree to find an alcoholism program."

Anders wasn't sure about that last part, but he had to admit it was a decent start. Already plans were beginning to form in his mind.

"Okay," he said. "I can do that."

................................

"Hi, Nate!"

Nathan blinked in confusion as he walked into the apartment. He hauled a messenger bag and a bag of equipment onto the counter and stared at the coyote sitting on the couch. "Hi Andy...Were you waiting for me?"

"Kind of," said Anders, switching off the television and standing up. "I've been alone here all day."

"Sorry," said Nathan, looking around. He frowned at the formation of shoes next to the door and shook his head in confusion. "You know you can go out and do stuff while I'm gone, right? How about that movie you wanted to see?"

"I wanted to see it with you."

"I don't do horror movies, you know that. And besides, you did take the day off. Might as well do something with it, right?"

"Yeah," Anders said absently. This whole lying thing was going to be more difficult than he thought. "So how was your day?"

Nathan looked at him strangely and then shrugged. "It was okay, I guess. Kids were annoying as always. 'Coach Salt this' and 'Coach Salt that' all the time. But that's nothing new, they're always like that. How about you?"

"It was alright. It's nice to be away from the stress of the hospital." Anders walked over and pulled the husky close. He buried his nose in Nathan's chest and sniffed, recoiling a bit. "You smell like the gym. Did you go work out without me?"

"Yeah," Nathan rumbled as he held the coyote. "I tried calling you to see if you wanted to come, but it just went to voicemail. I figured you were out enjoying your day off, so I just went on my own."

Anders cringed inwardly. He must have forgotten to turn his phone back on after visiting the therapist. "Sorry, it might have been dead. I forgot to charge it this morning."

"It's alright."

Anders stood breathing in his mate's scent for a bit before speaking. "So I thought we could go out to dinner tonight."

"Hmm, restaurant food..."

"I know you don't like greasy food," said Anders with a smile. "But you can get something healthy. And I know you like that nice Italian restaurant near the school. Remember that place?"

"Yeah, I remember," Nathan replied fondly. "We should share that grilled chicken dish we had last time. That was good."

Anders laid his head on the husky's chest as they rocked slightly in their embrace. "Mhmm..."

"And we can share a nice bottle of wine..."

His heart skipped a beat. "Um...maybe not this time, Nate. I...want to try something else they've got."

He didn't see Nathan's frown, but he knew it was there. "Okay, Andy. Whatever you want."

Anders smiled and gave him a kiss. Whatever you want.

.......................

They walked out of the aforementioned Italian restaurant a little after seven o'clock that night. The two had enjoyed a lovely meal together, and Anders would not have had it any different. Nathan had seemed a little dismayed when Anders refused the wine a second time, but relented when he was reminded that one of them needed to drive them home.

"That wasn't so bad, was it?" Anders teased. He patted Nathan's stomach. "See? You've still got abs."

"Yeah, yeah," said Nathan with a smile. "But I'm gonna do an extra set of planks to make up for it tomorrow."

Anders looked at him skeptically. "You were going to do that anyway, weren't you?"

Nathan gave him that goofy grin of his. "Maybe..."

Anders snorted and punched him playfully on the arm, receiving a cheerful shove back. "I don't wanna go home yet. You want to do something?"

"Nothing in particular," replied Nathan with a shrug. "I really just wanted to relax tonight."

Anders thought it over and got an idea. "I know a good place we can sit and relax together. Can I drive?"

"Sure," Nathan said, tossing him the keys.

After a short drive, Anders soon parked the car next to a hotel. Nathan looked out the window and frowned. "A hotel? Why are we -?"

"We're not going to the hotel, silly," Anders grinned. "It's just near the hotel. Come on, let's go!" He hopped out of the car, the husky following him.

He led his husband away from the parking lot and behind the hotel, finding the narrow winding nature trail that he knew would be there. It was beginning to get dark out and Nathan was casting nervous glances around at the shadows creeping in.

"Andy, I think we should -"

"Shh. We're almost there!" Anders said excitedly as he walked faster. Up ahead was a small gap in the trees. "There it is! Come on!"

"Andy, wait -" Nathan's words fell on deaf ears as the coyote grabbed his paw and eagerly pulled him forward. The large husky stumbled despite his size. He managed to maintain his balance though as Anders brought him to the gap he had found. "Andy, please - woah."

They had arrived at a beautiful pond almost entirely surrounded by trees. The shallow water remained completely still as it reflected the fading sunlight that shone through a gap formed by the treetops. The grass was fairly short, but covered in autumn leaves that had fallen to the ground. A single bench sat facing the pond.

Nathan gaped in amazement. Looking back down at Anders, he saw the coyote smiling at him proudly. Anders urged him forward toward the bench, their feet crunching softly over the leaves below.

"You like it?"

"I love it," said Nathan, still glancing around. "How did you find this place? Even I never knew about it!"

"A friend recommended it," Anders replied as they sat down. He leaned into Nathan while the husky put an arm around him. "It's a nice place to just sit and think."

"You come here often?"

"Not really. But it's nice, that's all." Anders watched some leaves float silently on the surface of the water. "You said you wanted to relax, and this place just instantly popped into my head."

"Well, it was a good idea," Nathan said nuzzling the coyote's head.

The two sat silently for a while just enjoying each other's company. It was truly beginning to get dark, but they didn't mind. Soon enough, some strategically placed light posts offered some more light, but not enough to ruin the scenery.

"So I did some cleaning today after I got home," Nathan rumbled. His voice was still as quiet as he could make it.

Anders stayed snuggled into his mate. "Mhmm..."

"And I decided I may as well check our messages since I was up."

"Anything important?"

"Not really. Just a couple things from the school I don't need to worry about," Nathan replied nonchalantly. "A dumb prank call from a couple of teenagers...kids these days."

Anders chuckled at the comment.

"Except...there was one thing."

"Yeah?"

"I found a call from a therapy clinic confirming an appointment for today."

Anders tensed, kicking himself internally. He really needed to get over his habit of not erasing his messages!

"And I was at work today, so it couldn't have been for me..." Nathan straightened, making the coyote get off of him. His blue eyes gazed at his lover. "Is there something you want to tell me, Andy?"

Anders balked. "I um...they had the wrong number. They must have thought I was somebody else so -"

"The lady said your name in the message, Andy, don't lie to me," Nathan interjected. "I know where you were today."

Anders slumped with his ears down. He found a spot in the grass to stare at. He was still, but his heart was frantic. "Are you mad at me?"

"Not yet," said Nathan, shifting a little to face him fully. "But I'd like to know what you were doing at a therapy clinic. Is everything okay?"

Anders looked up at his husband. The husky looked expectant and concerned, but not angry. He gulped. "I went to ask about you."

Nathan abruptly clapped his paws on his lap and stood. Having expected this reaction, Anders reached up and grabbed the husky's arm before he could walk away. "Nate please, let me explain!"

"You don't need to explain anything," Nathan growled. "You went behind my back even though I told you to leave it alone! It's as simple as that."

"No, it really isn't, Nate. Please! Just listen!" Anders pleaded.

The husky stopped and looked back at coyote, seeing his almost tearful expression. Nathan huffed and went back to sit on the bench. "Fine. I'm listening."

Anders took a deep breath and began to explain, choosing his words very carefully. "I'm really worried about you, Nate. I have been since that night I found you drunk on the couch and crying. And I want to help you, but you won't let me. Every time you refuse my help, it breaks my heart. It makes me feel powerless to do anything for you, and that hurts."

Nathan remained relatively calm during Anders' speech, staring straight ahead into nothing. Occasionally, one ear would twitch, the only sign that he was still listening.

"I'm always terrified I'll come home one night and find you dead on the floor. And when you said I wasn't enough to help you...it made me feel even more helpless."

Nathan's head whipped up as he looked at Anders in surprise. "But I said I was sorry about that!"

"It still hurts. And that's why I went to the clinic," Anders insisted. He grabbed Nathan's paw and felt some degree of relief when he didn't flinch. "I figured if you wouldn't accept my help, then maybe I should get some help in order to make you better. I did this because I love you, and I will never stop trying until I know you're happy."

Nathan didn't respond. He kept staring at the ground.

"Will you please tell me what's going on? I know you don't like talking about this stuff, but I'm scared for you," Anders begged. "When we first got together, we promised we'd deal with these types of problems together. How is this any different?"

Nathan didn't speak right away. Anders was almost sure he'd get up and leave again until he did respond. "If I tell you..." His voice was tinged with apprehension. "Will you stop going behind my back to try and get me into therapy? You know that's not my kind of thing."

"I can't promise anything," Anders said cautiously. "But I'll never stop trying to help. I refuse to."

Nathan sighed in defeat. "Fine. It's clear you won't let up until I tell you, so here goes..." He paused to think before continuing. "Long story short...I hate my job."

Anders blinked. "What? I thought you loved being a coach?"

"I did at first," replied Nathan. "But I've been doing it so for long. Andy, I've worked at that school for nearly a decade now. And it's gotten dull."

"Have you found any other jobs you want to do?" Anders suggested.

"That's just it. I don't know what I want to do," Nathan said hopelessly. "Being a coach is all I've ever wanted to do and now...I don't know."

"Okay," Anders replied softly. It sounded to him like his husband was experiencing some kind of midlife crisis. A little early, sure, but he couldn't think of another explanation. "How long have you felt like this?"

"A couple years."

That was a shock. "Why didn't you tell me about any of this?"

"Because I thought I could handle it," said Nathan. His ears drooped sadly as he spoke. "I dealt with depression during college and I handled it fine. Didn't need a therapist or anything. But now...I never thought it would come back."

Anders nodded kindly. "Depression isn't something that really goes away. It's just something you learn to deal with. Nate, you have me now; you don't have to do it alone."

"Andy, I can't do it at all." Nathan's eyes were wide and pleading as if crying for help. "Some days I'm just barely holding it together."

Anders was alarmed. "It's that bad?"

Nathan deadpanned, "Would I be drinking so much if it wasn't?"

"Right," said Anders sheepishly. "But there's more, isn't there? I didn't even notice anything was wrong until I found you on the couch that night. What happened?"

Nathan squeezed his eyes shut. "It's really hard to talk about."

Anders laid a paw on his shoulder and squeezed. "It's okay."

Nathan sniffled. "When you came in, I was crying because -"

He stopped to allow himself a few quiet sobs. Understanding how difficult it must be for him, Anders stayed quiet and rubbed his shoulder for comfort. Whatever Nathan had buried inside, it was clearly tearing him up.

"I got a call earlier that day. I was at work at the time," Nathan explained through his sniffling. "I didn't want to tell you about it because I didn't want to believe it. But that day...my mother died."

Anders' eyes widened. "Oh my god..."

"She had a heart attack." Nathan's voice broke and he began crying.

"I'm so sorry!" Anders twisted on the bench to throw his arms around Nathan, allowing the husky to rest his head on a shoulder. Tears streamed down Nathan's cheeks as he trembled in the coyote's embrace, his sobs the only distraction in the otherwise silent tranquility of the pond.

"She was all I had left," Nathan sobbed. "The rest of my family...they all hate me because I'm g-gay!"

Anders' heart swelled as he began rubbing the husky's back. "Shh, it's okay. You're going to be okay..."

"When I - when I c-came out to them," Nathan continued, "My entire extended family was there. It was a f-family reunion. I thought I could just do it then and g-get it all over with. But they all responded with so much hate! They pretty m-much just disowned me right there!"

Anders waited until the sobbing died down a little bit before responding. "What did you do?"

"I couldn't do anything. I was already out of the house at that point, b-but still! They wanted n-nothing to do with me. But not Mom." Nathan fought with all his might to hold back the tears, but they kept coming. "She was the only one who accepted me for who I was. But now she's g-gone," Nathan whimpered. "I've got no family left who cares about me!"

Anders just hugged him while he let his feelings out, occasionally offering a word of consolation or a pat on the back. Eventually, Nathan pulled back and wiped his tears.

"I'm sorry," Nathan sniffled. "It's just all this with the thing about my job...I kind of just lost hope. I'm sorry I didn't tell you about any of this. I just didn't want to face it."

"It's okay, I get it," said Anders. "And you were right. I wasn't enough, not nearly to get you out of this hell you're going through. But," He emphasized when the husky tried to retort. "Now we can try to fix this together. Okay?"

Nathan nodded glumly. "Okay."

"And we can start by finding you some options for potential new jobs," Anders suggested. "I'm not sure how to fix the family thing just yet, but we'll think of something."

Nathan smiled, though his eyes were still wet and bloodshot. "You're too good for me, you know that?"

Anders blinked in mock curiosity. "No actually. Maybe you should tell me more."

The husky shoved him playfully. "Goof. But can you do something for me?"

"What?"

"Don't try and keep me from having alcohol. I noticed what you did at dinner." Before the coyote could protest, Nathan pushed on. "I understand your concern, but I like having a drink once in a while. I promise I won't get totally drunk like before."

Anders was still skeptical. "You promise?"

"I promise," said Nathan sincerely.

Anders stopped to think about that. On one hand, every instinct told him no, but he also wanted to trust Nathan. His husband had just spilled all of his feelings for him, and that couldn't have been easy. He needed to show Nathan that he trusted him back.

"Okay..."